Issue 15: Life in Space
By Mr. Atoz, The Librarian

Star Trek Women

I thought I would write about some of my favorite women from Star Trek: TOS. I don’t have any set criteria for what constitutes my favorite of the women. It’s a combination of looks, intelligence, and niceness. Some may just make the list on looks alone, and some on intelligence alone. Also, this is a random ranking system as the women just come to me.

• Andrea from What are Little Girls Made Of – Played by actress Sherry Jackson, Andrea might be one of the best looking of the Star Trek women. I have a soft spot in my heart for soft-faced, brown-eyed brunettes, (among many other types of women). The one weak point of Andrea is she is an android. In a strange bit of irony, her androidness makes her cold and unintelligent. Give me emotional intelligence over computer/book smarts any day.
• Dr. Elizabeth Dehner from Where No Man Has Gone Before – Played by actress Sally Kellerman, this lady is one of my favorites. Yeah, she’s pretty, but she has a nice voice, is obviously very intelligent, and is fiercely loyal to her man. This is both a weakness and a strength.
• Lt. Mira Romaine from The Lights of Zetar – I’ve always had a soft spot for this lady. I’ve always taken note of her soft-spokenness, which, when combined with intelligence, is such a nice quality. It’s easy to see why Scotty has it bad for her. I thought the line Scotty says, telling Mira that she is the “nicest and sanest” person on board the Enterprise is one of the smoothest, and most sincere things you could say to a woman. I’m not a huge fan of this episode, but I really like the subplot of Scotty’s love, (or at least romantic interest), for Mira Romaine. It makes sense that in the madness and coldness of a long journey through space, Scotty is looking for a woman who carries the simple character traits of kindness and sanity. Aren’t we all looking for that in our women?
• Dr. Janice Lester from Turnabout Intruder – Speaking of sane women, Janice Lester is certainly not one. It’s appropriate to me that we go from Mira Romaine to Janice Lester. Why is this lady so high on my list? I think the actress Sandra Smith is very pretty, but also puts on an extremely charismatic performance. Whether she’s playing Lester or Kirk, it’s hard to take your eyes off her. Combine the faces of Courtney Cox and Tea Leone, and put some red hair on her and you get Dr. Janice Lester.
• Yeoman Tonia Barrows from Shore Leave – There isn’t much to this character other than the fact that she looks really good.
• Varas from Patterns of Force – The second blonde entry on the list, Varas is thought to be a Nazi-type soldier, but instead is revealed to be a rebel sympathizer on a planet that duplicates the Nazi military order. She doesn’t seem overly warm or friendly, but she’s obviously principled.
• Nona from A Private Little War – I have a thing for femme fatales.

Issue 15: Spotlight on Technology
By Dr. Roger Korby

Cryogenics: The Future is One Cold Nap Away

“By Walt Disney’s Frozen Head!*� What is this cryogenics you speak of?”

It’s one of my favorite concepts in science of both the fictional and non-fictional sort. A quick and dirty definition of cryogenics would be the study of extremely cold temperatures. A field related to cryogenics is cryonics, which I’ll say is the use of technology and science to bring life forms down to extremely low temperatures, therein stopping decomposition and prolonging their life. One application of cryogenics is to use it to suspend human life during long space flights. This is used, for example, in the Alien movies where their much-slower-than-the-speed-of-light ships take months or years to reach their destinations.

Cryonics is still a relatively new science. It’s currently illegal to cryogenically freeze a human while they are still alive, so nearly all research is done on animals. There are about 140 humans stored in cryogenics labs around the country.

One of my all-time favorite movie scenes is from Aliens, where Ripley is revived from “hypersleep,” (cryogenic sleep in the Alien universe), and discovers that she has been under for decades longer than expected. She hoped to be picked up soon after her ship made it to space shipping lanes, six weeks away. Instead, she floated silently through space for nearly sixty years. The world she knew and the life she had is gone.

In this way, cryonics, even in current fledgling form, is a sort of one-way time travel. I often think about what life will be like fifty, a hundred, or even a thousand years from now. In theory, (in my imagination at least), I could tomorrow pay $200,000 to a shady cryonics lab in a former eastern bloc country to freeze me for a specified number of years, say 250. Doing this when you’re basically a corpse is one thing, but doing this when you’re a living, breathing being is a pretty massive show of faith in humanity. It’s saying for example that you believe that in a hundred years there will still be humans there to check in on your frozen ass every now and then and that the electrical outlet your freezer is plugged into will be getting uninterrupted power the entire time you’re in there.

Vanilla Sky is another great movie that uses cryonics, (though in retrospect I wish that it starred someone other than Tom Cruise). I’ve already partially spoiled this movie for those that haven’t seen it, so I’ll just finish the job by saying that David, (Cruise), puts himself into cryonic sleep after a terrible car accident and then, in his subconscious, has to decide whether he wants to remain asleep, or take a chance by waking up to an unknown future. It’s a really cool movie and deals with the concept that even in a frozen state, our minds might keep going, dreaming strange or beautiful dreams for decades while our bodies lay motionless. That’s kind of a frightening thought.

What would it be like to awaken 300 years from now? Everything would be so foreign. Over the decades and centuries of your sleep, many others would have probably put themselves in cryogenic sleep. Would there be a new batch of people, (I’ll call them “Frosties”), unfreezing each day? I picture it happening like this: You’re a Frostie with some deadly illness, terrible injury or just a curious time-traveler. Your thawing day arrives and they warm you up and quickly cure or heal you with their Medical Tricorders or whatever it is we use 300 years from now. As part of your freezing service, they supply you with clothes of that day and enough money to get your feet on the ground. They might even supply a “Friend from the Future” - someone to tag along with you the first month or so, helping you adjust to society in the year 2307. Eventually though, you would be left to fend for yourself and I think the culture shock would be daunting to say the least.

From our perspective today, the thought of waking up in the future seems pretty cool, but how do we know we’d even be welcome? Would there be some sort of temporal prejudice against Frosties? Would there be movements to stop reviving them? I imagine historians would love Frosties… living specimens from humanity’s past. Would there be wars waged between historians and the anti-Frosties? The Great Cryonics War of 2429: An army of thawed Frosties led by the world’s leading historians battle the cultural elite of the future, who use hordes of merciless robots to fight what they consider to be blights on society. Perhaps humans of the future would ship all the freezers to Mars or some Pacific island and let the Frosties live amongst their own kind. The societies these Frosties form would probably end up being strange mashups of their original societies and times, which would basically defeat the whole purpose of freezing yourself to get a glimpse of the future.

Cryonics isn’t quite as simple as it seems on the surface. It raises so many social, ethical and practical questions that I really have to wonder if we will ever legalize freezing healthy, living humans. The thought of waking to the hypothetical dystopia of the last paragraph has pretty much convinced me that I wouldn’t want to freeze myself, even after death. Who wants to be brought back from the dead only to be scorned and hated by their descendants?

*As “cool” and strange as this would be, Disney’s head is not sitting in a freezer somewhere… it’s an urban legend.

Issue 15: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

(Let it be noted that due to a mishap, my column was not printed last month. Thanks to your overwhelming cards and letters of concern, the likes of which would stun even the most hardened naysayer, a bonus column will be printed with the next issue.)A long long time ago, a friend of mine and I would partake in “Bad Movie Night,” the watching of films that we knew would be horrible in the hopes of finding ways to entertain ourselves aside from what the director had intended. Classics like Flash Gordon, The Cannonball Run (I & II), and the midget western Terror of Tiny Town were among the fare, and oh, what a time it was!

And what with Netflix allowing access to virtually every movie on the planet, what better idea than to revisit those glory days and look at some of the worst that Hollywood has to offer.

This month we’re taking a look at bad movies, and by that I mean, I purposely went out of my way to find the worst pieces of crap I could find to see if they are worth your time and effort to locate for your own bad movie night.

PLEASE NOTE!!!!

This go-around I’m reversing the star ratings as the more awful a film is, the higher rating I give it. Films with ** or less are so bad, they really are bad. *** or higher indicate a must-see piece of crap.

(And let me also add for the slower readers, some of these reviews may surpass the sixty second limit. I apologize for the false advertising.)

Basic Instinct 2 (2006) Sharon Stone, David Morrissey *1/2

Frustrating murder mystery that came out a decade too late. What with the availability of internet porn, what was shocking in 1992 is pretty tame today. Not only are the sex scenes some of the least erotic in a major motion picture, but the “mystery” cheats so much, it’s impossible to legitimately play along as characters do things SOLELY to throw the audience off. Stone is the author-whore who comes under the guide of a psychiatrist, (whose facial reactions are limited to “none”), whom her mind games may ruin permanently. The only highlight is Stone, who chews so much scenery, you’d think it was her first meal in weeks. Her over-the-top performance is fun, but not enough to save what is pretty much a dull film. And the star ranking here would be the same be it for a bad film or a good film. Though Stone has certainly been keeping herself in shape.

Road House 2: Last Call (2006) *

Sequel to the ultimate bad action film has Dalton’s son, (who technically should only be about 15 or so), basically doing the exact same things his dad did in the original. Patrick Swayze chose not to appear in this, so the screenwriters have him killed off in just about the most emasculating way possible. Almost scene-for-scene copy of the original but with none of the fun. At least the original KNEW it was crap, these guys seem to be think they’re making a real movie. Son is running a new bar but there’s a mole who is so blatantly evil, he may as well carry a sign. Only highlights are villain Jake Busey, (channeling his dad), and the ridiculously overblown fight scenes where the bad guys flip around like the bar lacks gravity. And when a man on life support can kick your henchmens’ asses, it’s time to get new backup.

Over the Top (1987) Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia ***

Yes, the ARM-WRESTLING movie. Stallone is a trucker who puts his entire career, finances, and love of his son on the line to win an arm-wrestling tournament. More plot holes than actual plot, Stallone’s name actually changes throughout the film, badguy Loggia actually offers Stallone the world if he quits, thereby making the tourney pointless, and best of all, Stallone doesn’t even technically win the tourney, (listen to the announcer repeating the rules over and over.) Add in one of the more obnoxious child performaces, and the non-stop use of “Meet Me Half Way” and you’ve got a good, (though not great), bad film. Film is worth watching solely for Stallone’s ridiculous speech about his hat. And if this film doesn’t inspire you to put a home gym in your car, nothing will.

The Apple (1980) ***

Maybe the only film that may actually give the next review a run for its money in flamboyance, this horrible film basically is a loose interpretation of the Bible told through disco songs. In the year 1994, a music mogul has brainwashed the world with his “catchy” pop songs and a young Carpenters-esque duo attempt to get their “catchier” sound heard. But what price are they willing to pay for fame? Ludicrous in every possible way, the kicker is that the last ten minutes of the film have almost NOTHING to do with the entire movie. It’s as if the screenwriter tacked on an ending from another film. Probably the only musical that ever had a sequence based on the Kama Sutra. Also note how the producers only had access to two futuristic looking buildings so practically all the outdoor scenes revolve around them.

Can’t Stop the Music (1980) Steve Guttenberg, Village People ****

How to put this? This movie is quite possibly the greatest worst movie ever made. It’s horrible, but yet it’s so entertaining at being horrible. It’s a film that dares to claim that The Village People are the “sound of the ‘80s,” a film that dares to give Bruce Jenner a lead role, (and a cutoff tanktop), a film that dares to include mess-ups IN THE FINAL CUT, a film that contains not one, not two, but three of the worst musical numbers in movie history, and thusly it’s a film that I think every man, woman, and child NEEDS to see. Guttenberg is a DJ who wants to get a record deal, despite having no actual singing talent. So with the help of his whore landlady and her costumed friends, they set out to conquer New York. And it’s so bad yet so good because nobody involved in the production seemed to have a clue at just how bad this is. The “milk” dance sequence will haunt you in your sleep. Greatest opening film sequence in history.

-Sydney Brown

Issue 15: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Ming the Merciless vs Bluto

Name: Bluto		Name: Ming the Merciless
Occupation: Sailor	vs.	Occupation: Emperor
Origin: Popeye		Origin: Flash Gordon

Ming the Merciless sat in his throne room, stifling a yawn. “Klytus, I’m bored. What play-thing can you offer me today?”

Klytus replied, “Sir, a ship has just appeared on our scanners. It has crashed just outside of Mingo.”

The two of them watched an image of the crash-landed ship on a monitor when suddenly they detected movement. Out stepped a hulking, bearded man and the most beautiful creature Ming had ever seen. “Bring them to me!” the Emperor ordered.

A short while later Bluto and Olive Oyl were forcefully escorted into Ming’s throne room. “Allright, now just what’s going on here!” Bluto shouted.

Ming smiled sadistically and replied, “She is to be my bride and you, my unfortunate oaf, are to serve me in my mines. Guards, prepare her for our wedding and remove this clod from my sight.”

“Nooooooooo!!!” screamed Olive.

“You’re making a BIG mistake you scrawny, bearded nitwit!” cried Bluto. “I’m mean. You know what I mean?”

Ming calmly remarked, “I’d much rather see you on my side, than scattered into… atoms.”

“I don’t see you eating any spinach so I reckon you’re in for a beating!” Bluto said, closing the ground between them as quickly as his bulbous legs would allow.

Several guards attempted to restrain Bluto but he flung them aside like Andre the Giant used to toss those midgets. He would not be deterred.

At least that’s what he thought. However, Ming’s death ray had other ideas. Ming leveled the gun and blasted the charging brute, dropping him coldly with a single shot.

The wedding would go on void of any further interruptions.

View Tournament Bracket

Issue 15: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Predator vs Kim Jong Il

Name: Predator		Name: Kim Jong Il
Occupation: Sportsman	vs.	Occupation: Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army
Origin: Predator		Origin: uh, real life?

Using his cloaking device which renders him transparent, the predator slipped easily into Kim Jong Il’s palace. He snuck into the master bedroom and waited.

The leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had just finished watching Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter in his massive screening room and was getting ready for bed.

The movie was scary, sure, but Jong Il just loved to watch little Corey Feldman chop the killer to pieces at the end. As he was brushing his teeth, he noticed a beam of red light reflecting in the mirror. Flinging himself out of the way, a blast erupted at the spot he had been standing in only moments before.

“Guards!” Kim Jong Il cried out. “Come to my aid at once! I am under attack!”

Five members of Kim Jong Il’s security force burst into the room. Four of them began sweeping the room for the intruder while the fifth tended to his leader.

“Are you ok, sir?” the guard asked, seeing the gash on Kim’s head from the shattered mirror. “You’re cut.”

Kim replied “I ain’t got time to breed. Now get him!”

The predator opened fire on two of the guards, splattering their guts across Kim’s antique Parisian rug. However, his movement allowed the other guards to track him and they blasted away, nicking him as he darted from the room.

Seeing the predator’s fluorescent green blood trailing on the floor Jong Il exclaimed “If it breeds, we can kir it!”

The predator made his way through the palace, wiping out virtually all of Jong Il’s guards along the way. Finally, he spied the diminutive tyrant cowering behind a window curtain. He silently crept up to him, savoring the kill before suddenly plunging a blade deep into Kim’s torso.

Suddenly, he heard Jim Jong Il’s voice from across the room “Herro.” Jong Il fired a bazooka at the predator and in the split second before pieces of him would be scattered across the palace he realized he’d been had. He had fallen for the old decoy trick!

“So rong, Predator” Kim said smugly.

View Tournament Bracket