Issue 29:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
Just a fortnight ago I experienced something new. It seems to me that the older you get, the potential for totally unique experiences tends to decrease unless you make a dedicated effort to counteract the trend. Thus you have the phenomena of mountain climbers, base jumpers, and what-have-you.
Well, add Roller Derby to that list of exciting diversions. I attended the Tornado Alley Rollergirls’ “It’s A Bout Time” event, featuring Cell Block 9 vs. Valkyrie Vixens and Victory Dolls vs. Homewreckin’ Harlots, and I must say–what an interesting, fun way to spend a Sunday evening, for several reasons.
One, being that the title of this column is “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Thinking,” I would be remiss in not describing the mental dichotomy at play for me—it’s the visceral vs. the analytical. On the one hand you have the simple pleasure, (for hetero males, anyway), of watching women physically engaged in an activity. (It doesn’t take much for me to be transfixed by that, I must admit.)
Add to that—wheels, archetypal costumes, music…Of course, this is not to mention the feeling that chaos or combat, or both, could commence at any moment. I was repeatedly reminded how fearless those girls were, expelling their bodies into the void, or rather into the wall of other girls on skates. I got the distinct impression that all of them could kick my ass and make me apologize for it.
But at the same time, there is food for thought when the proceeding is viewed as a cultural event. Because, let’s face it, in Oklahoma City, Roller Derby is not yet on the forefront of consciousness for hung-up Mr. Normal like, say, going to the mall or watching a movie. And I got the feeling that unconventionality was just fine with the participants and spectators, just from a cursory glance at the folks who actually showed up at this bout. I saw lots of tattoos and dangling earlobes and lots of greased-back rockabilly-type-looks. I wondered if there was something intrinsic to this Roller Derby activity that fills a void in the heart of a Rockabilly lover or tattoo enthusiast. Maybe it’s the feeling that this is entertainment for the underground- a subversive way to spend your time.
But this was all balanced out by plenty of regular-looking folks with kids who couldn’t be bothered to dress up. This is all much ado about nothing, since the way someone chooses to look is not of much importance, but for those looking for a good scene for people-watching, I have found your place.
But I couldn’t help but wonder about the origins of this type of activity. I wonder who originally came up with the idea of putting women on skates and having them fight. (Not that any actual “fighting” went on, but there certainly was a lot of physical contact and crashing.) Whoever that person was, I have a feeling he/she was a member of MENSA. I had some far-fetched theory about the female form and wheels and grace, but that is all tempered by the sound the crowd makes whenever a girl or group of girls loses control and hits the ground.
And so, with my curiosity piqued, I asked Mount Crushmore of the Victory Dolls to shed some light on some questions:
Medulla Vesuvius (Representing Nerd City): I’m trying to figure out whether Roller Derby as a phenomenon is primarily Entertainment or a Sport? What are your thoughts?
Mount Crushmore: I think the general public thinks of it as primarily entertainment. They think it’s just girls knocking each other around for their amusement. However, after they come to a bout, I hope they see the athleticism that is involved. We practice twice a week, three hours at a time, which consists of endurance training, blocking drills and strategy. Don’t get me wrong- I love the attention we receive because of our costumes, make up, team personalities, etc. but that’s just a piece of the pie- not the whole thing.
MV(RNC): Is there real animosity amongst the girls from other teams?
MC: I don’t think there is real animosity. It is hard to be friends with someone but then come the day of the bout, (if they are on the opposing team), you have to tell yourself over and over that you are going to crush them. I think each team, (and players), have a rival but it’s all in fun and fuels us to do better and work harder in practice.
MV(RNC): Would roller derby be as cool if it was all just a bunch of dudes out there in costumes?
MC: I don’t know. I might like to see that! I think there is that sexual aspect to it that makes it popular. In a sport where fishnets and revealing uniforms are pretty much required- you can’t deny that we like to play up the sex appeal.
MV(RNC): I have a feeling that the scoring system is just arbitrary and random. Is that correct?
MC: No. The object of the game is to have your team’s jammer score as many points as possible in a two minute max jam. The only way to score points is if a jammer, (the fast girl with the star on her helmet), legally passes a blocker in the pack. The blockers’ job is to help their team’s jammer get through the pack and score points and to keep the other team’s jammer from scoring points, (by blocking, etc.). I know it looks like chaos the first time you watch a bout- but once you start to understand and learn the positions and their role in the pack- you learn there is method to all the madness.
MV(RNC): Finally, how does the charity part fit in with all this? Are you paid professionals, or are all proceeds given away? How and why are charitable recipients chosen?
MC: Tornado Alley Rollergirls is a non profit organization. We use the money we earn to benefit our organization as well as the Oklahoma City community. Charities are brought to the board members’ attention and they are then put into a hat. Literally. Once the date of the bout is decided- they pull a charity out of the hat and then that’s the charity we sponsor for that specific bout that month. We do not get paid for roller derby but it would be cool if we did!
Issue 29:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
Amdnarg Toh
I-35 winds its way south through the Oklahoma countryside, across rolling hills, flat plains, and through paths carved through the occasional mountainside. In spite of some fairly spectacular scenery, after nearly twenty years of traversing the well-worn path between Oklahoma City and Dallas, the miles seem to blur. The yellow lines stretch to infinity and about the only things that change are the billboards…
On a trip to Dallas last summer, a new billboard sprouted along the side of the road, advertising an “Action Figure Museum” of sorts. Interest sufficiently piqued, I began to recall toys long gone, action figures lost to the pages of time. But, as the toys and figures were forgotten, so were the billboard, and the museum. Until a few months ago.
During conversation with a few nerdy friends about how super hero movies are “coming back,” someone brought up the museum. I don’t know if it was peer pressure, or something more sinister at play, but we all committed to visiting the museum. After deciding on a date, one Sunday afternoon, four of us piled into a Honda Civic and off we went, an unlikely group of pilgrims to a newly-found nerd mecca. Anyone who has longed for the days when a bath towel cape draped over your shoulders was enough to transport you into a fantasy world of your own choosing, should make a pilgrimage to this place.
We were greeted by Kevin Stark, the founder/curator of the museum, who introduced us to 
a couple of other guys who said hi, and then returned to their ongoing game of pirates. Kevin proceeded to show us around the place. It’s apparent that this place is a source of great pride.
It was intentionally designed to be a “hands-on” kind of place. It’s very kid, (and nerdy grownup), friendly – colorful, and visually enticing. Figures stuffed into every nook and cranny, some you don’t notice until a third or fourth scan of the room, or maybe not until the third or fourth trip.
We almost didn’t make it past the gift shop. If you decide to visit, bring some dough, because they have it all-old stuff, new stuff, specialty lines and action figures you didn’t even know existed. Our Trekkie nerd friend saw figures he didn’t know they made, which either calls his Klingon Diploma into question, or tells you how cool the AFM is. They also have a variety of apparel and actual comic books. I would have thought the gift shop was the museum if I couldn’t see DC and Marvel gods descending down a twenty-foot wall. It was like seeing Heaven in the clouds, and then St. Stark ushered us in.
Kevin proceeded to tell us about the history of the museum and its primary displays. The museum’s genesis wasn’t the result of a city planning committee. It was the nerdy love-child of Mr. Stark himself. Collecting figures for nearly twenty years, he had amassed an entire studio full of action figures. They filled the fourteen foot high walls of his art studio in downtown Paul’s Valley. Eventually, he became known at the action figure guy. Every so often some news crew would use him for a story. The newest superhero movie would come out or a random conversation between two strangers at the oft-visited Love’s off of I-35 would bring up Kevin’s collection. Folks would come from all around to visit his unique art studio nestled into the quaint backstreets of this very average American town.
After a few years, Kevin’s involvement with the local business folk and town leadership provided a unique opportunity. The town was looking for something to put Paul’s Valley on the map- something unique and distinctive. Kevin posited the idea of opening an Action Figure Museum. Not too long from that fateful day, Kevin was up to his eyeballs in action figures – with less than two days until opening day, unfinished construction, and displays yet to be populated. An intravenous feed of Starbucks’ best, and an uncanny drive for excellence helped him put everything together just in time for the grand opening.
As we walked through the archway into the main display room, we noticed a roped off area – we’re told that it used to be the room where toys were available for kids to play with, but they decided they needed more room, and moved the hands on display room to a larger area, with video monitors, and plenty of room for full-bore action figure mayhem. The previous space, we’re told, will house a new WWII display, built with 12- in. G.I. Joe action figures. A later visit to the museum revealed a small model of what the finished WWII model will be like. It’s a sight to see.
Kevin points out the mural on the wall above the play area – 
a photograph of downtown Oklahoma City, with a whole team of heroes and villains superimposed over the area. The central figures in the battle are Godzilla and Galactus. Of particular note is the attention given to female characters in the mural, an intentional move on Stark’s part to ensure that girls feel included. Sure, it’s a stereotype, but the AFM does tend to draw a more male crowd.
Not only is the museum a place to see toys and action figures, there are several educational displays about different types of figures. There is a display set up to show the differences between the figures based on comic books, cartoon shows, and movies. There are a couple of groupings of figures set up with accompanying documentation showing the differences between types, versions, and models of figures based on the same character. You can probably see fifty different Superman figures. Not only do they display them, but they grade/compare them. Don’t be surprised to find out that the AFM thinks the movie version of Daredevil is cooler looking than the comic one, but just the opposite for Batman. Now you don’t have to remember which version of Superman’s shield is better, you can have them right in front of you to compare and argue over.
One of Kevin’s activities that could really put the AFM on the map, is his creation of the Action Figure Hall of Fame, and yearly Action Figure Awards. Each year, two awards are granted – for designer and sculptor of the year. This past year’s Sculptor of the Year lives right down the highway in a little town called Purcell. If you think he won because he’s a local guy, think again. Just to kick his resume off for you, he sculpted the figures for The Lord of the Rings movies.
As we leave the display area, we’re shown the area that’s set up with costumes so you can dress up as your favorite hero or villain. They have a nice variety of outfits for the young and old. While they have amassed them from multiple places, Kevin said the local Wal-Mart really hooks them up after Halloween. There are some different action toys and a TV to keep you entertained when you are Wolverine, Scooby Doo or She-Ra. (I don’t really know if they have She-Ra, and who needs extra entertainment when they’re decked out as Wolverine?) Stark had a twinkle in his eye as he told us about youth of the neighboring towns using the dress up room for dates. They bring their picnic gear, dress up like Scooby Doo and Batgirl, and let the romance commence. I suggest that if you really want to know if your significant other is worth keeping, propose to them in costume.
We then round the corner into an area entirely devoted to Batman. It not only contains Batman related toys and action figures, but it actually looks like the Batcave. We’re told the secret of its construction, but we had to sign a non-disclosure agreement. (Not really.) Entering the hallowed cave, we’re assaulted by Batman toys, action figures, lunchboxes, comic books, costumes, tortilla chip bags, etc. There’s even a Batmobile ride that can transport your youngsters, (or adventurous selves), to the world of heroes for a mere 50 cents. Batman’s image has graced almost every type of consumer good possible. If there is some piece of Batman memorabilia not present in this display, it would be a surprise.
Upon leaving the Batman display, familiar figures from recent years come into view.
Spawn, Lord of the Rings, and Austin Powers figures grace the walls of the next display area. This display, however, is not only a showcase for completed action figures, but depicts the sculpting and design process. Kevin tells us that great strides have been made in the action figure design and manufacturing process that have made it possible to produce very detailed figures at considerably less cost. Figures once costing $150, made by hand in limited runs, can now be produced in mass, and can be bought for less than $20. Since Kevin also does design work and knows people involved in the other aspects of action figure development and manufacturing, he can tell you “the rest of the story” of an action figure’s life – from concept in an artist’s mind to when it becomes an item in your garage sale.
Then the piece de resistance – the full scale diorama depicting a collector’s bedroom… 
Replete with an entire 16’ wall full of packaged figures, we spent an hour just scanning the display and the wall for figures we had when we were kids. Kevin tells us about how the display came together – there is a rhyme and rhythm to the set up of the various figures – a display of Star Trek figures arranged on the bridge of the starship Enterprise, 
with some impossible looking combinations of figures. And who is standing above it all, directing the seemingly impossible chaotic display? Q, of course. There’s a gaggle of Jedi figures-lightsabers ‘a blazing. Almost every figure you could think of from characters in the Rudolph the Reindeer TV special, to MAD Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman dressed like Batman, they’ve got it all. Just name a figure. Kevin knows where they are. I named some of my most obscure heroes and villains, and was immediately pointed to where they were located. He knows because his hands placed each and every figure into the display. One is left wondering what his bedroom looked like when he was a kid.
Time was ticking away, however, and we had to drag ourselves away from the main display to the next area – a tribute to Oklahoma cartoon artists. It’s surprising how many popular cartoons are penned by folks who live and work in Oklahoma.
Kevin then proceeded to tell us about new activities planned for the museum, and ideas that will be made into reality in the near future. With the thirtieth anniversary of Star Wars coming up this year, there is a massive Star Wars display planned for this summer. Most all of their Star Wars paraphernalia is being cleaned and prepared for the display this summer. It sounds like it will be a grand affair, and we all plan to go back for it. I suggest you don’t wait though, because who knows what may go into storage to make room for the Empire.
Next, he invited us to take a visit to his studio. We gladly accepted, and walked the short half a block to the place where it all started. We enter the front gallery, where the walls are filled with artwork of various types. It’s here where the action figures were first housed, and where the idea for the museum came to fruition. We look through the door to the back room, and Kevin leads us across the threshold – a portal into a world of imagination, where the magic happens… Sometimes a band practice stage, sometimes a warehouse, full of magical creatures and long-lost memorabilia, it feels like when Charlie and his Grandpa first see the inside of Willie Wonka’s fantastic chocolate factory.
If mom threw away your action figures, or sold them in a garage sale, be at peace, for they’ve found a better home where you can visit them anytime you want. A place where you can re-visit your childhood. Remember Stretch Armstrong? He’s there. Hall of Justice? It’s there. Superman bedsheets you slept in? Them too. All of us found ourselves telling stories of heroes long lost to time, but that are alive and well at the museum. You might wonder what in the world could be of interest in Paul’s Valley, but this trip was well worth it. As we pulled away, Kevin left us with an open invitation to come back…
Visit the Action Figure Museum’s website at: http://www.actionfiguremuseum.com/
Issue 29:
Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By
Sydney Brown
Wow, Sydney been busy, a new column already! Actually, I have been busy, just not watching movies. These are some of the films that didn’t quite make previous columns or I literally just watched last Friday night. Let’s do this sonofagun. Boy, that’s a phrase that lost what little spark it once had once you could say “bitch” on TV.
Ronin(1998) Robert DeNiro, Jean Reno ***
Thriller about DeNiro as a disgraced former CIA agent, hooking up with hoodlums to steal a valuable case only to find the Irish and Russian mobs want it too. Solid action film with perhaps one chase scene too many, and a third act that borders on silliness due to an oddly placed ice-skating subplot. But an entertaining film as long as you ignore the crater-wide plotholes. Second act chase scene ranks as one the finer ones I’ve seen. David Mamet helped write the script, but was uncredited.
Joy Ride (2001) Paul Walker, Steve Zahn **½
Update of Duel finds two brothers using an old CB radio to crank call a truck driver only to discover he’s a homicidal maniac. First half is very sharp and quite suspenseful, but the script seems to run out of things to do, (much like Duel.) Problem is, this type of story is either an hour anthology or a short film. 90 minutes is too long for what amounts to an extended chase, (with a vehicle that can basically only go straight.) Better than it has any right to be, but certainly not a must-see. The discovery of the driver at the end is a complete cheat though.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005) Tyler Perry **1/2
I had purposely rented this film due to hearing about how awful Perry’s performance is, and while it is indeed pretty bad, the film survives despite it. Rather cliched story about a woman thrown out by her husband and how she finds happiness elsewhere only to decide she prefers revenge instead. First hour is actually pretty decent, but then collapses with a plot twist that stops the film dead. And as annoying as Tyler Perry is as Madea, her character is surprisingly only present in less than a third of the film. Film tries to have its heart in the right place, but really, I can’t honestly recommended it either as a good or bad film. Not as bad as you might think, but not so bad as to go out of your way to see it.
Half Nelson (2006) Ryan Gosling ***½
Gosling portrays a history teacher with a serious drug abuse problem. When a student discovers his secret and tries to help him, the teacher ends up trying to save her from a possibly similar fate. Gosling earned a well-deserved Oscar nom if solely for the emotionally powerful climax where he hits rock bottom and KNOWS it, delivering a chilling performance with just two facial expressions. Excellent script, and the classroom sequences are tremendous, (the irony being that Gosling technically isn’t actually teaching anything but his own personal philosophy.) One of the better films of 2006.
Overnight (2005) Troy Duffy ***
Almost painful documentary about Troy Duffy, director of The Boondock Saints, and how he single-handedly destroyed his own career in a matter of years. Troy secured a record deal and a film deal without ever directing or producing anything. The results are documented here as Troy’s massive ego and borderline sociopath behavior alienates him from his family, friends, and ultimately, the studio. It’s perhaps the greatest irony that his bandmates are so kept in the dark to everything that we never even learn their names until the end. And it’s a greater irony that The Boondock Saints became a cult hit on video, but due to the contract Troy signed, he’ll never see a dime of it. Very good companion piece to Saints, though probably a bit dry on its own.
Issue 29:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Kim Jong Il |
|
Name: Ming the Merciless |
| Occupation: Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army |
vs. |
Occupation: Emperor |
| Origin: His mother |
|
Origin: Flash Gordon |
Kim Jong Il scurried about his palace, frantically making sure everything was in order. His meeting with Emperor Ming was set to begin shortly and he desperately wanted to make a good impression. If the two could come to an agreement, then no force in the galaxy could stop their domination.
Emperor Ming’s cruiser landed outside and he boldly strode towards the palace, flanked by General Klytus and several robots. Kim Jong Il greeted him and they exchanged pleasantries. It was decided they would have a quick tour of the palace followed by a scrumptious light lunch flown in from Brasserie 8 1/2 before getting down to business.
Jong Il couldn’t help but smile as the tour progressed along. Things were going so swimmingly. Ming seemed genuinely impressed with the palace, a thought that brought joy to his lonely heart.
The two men had just begun eating their braised veal cheeks with wild mushroom tortellini when things took a turn towards disaster. Ming was enjoying his meal so much he wasn’t giving chewing the respect it deserved. The choking was inevitable.
Kim Jong Il was horrified to see his honored guest turning blue so he rushed to his side and began applying the Heimlich. The maneuver was successful but the gesture was not.
Ming spat out the half-chewed veal and turned angrily towards Jong Il. “No one touches Ming, especially a pathetic earthling!” he bellowed.
“Ming, buddy, what are you tarking about” reasoned Kim. “I just saved your rife.”
“No, you puny creature, you just sealed your own death warrant. Guards, destroy him and this place.” Ming delivered a backhand slap to Kim’s face, leaving a nasty red imprint.
Jong Il staggered at the blow. “Guards!” he cried “Get them!”
A major battle ensued and Ming’s guards quickly dispatched most of the Korean’s forces. The tide turned, however, when Kim unleashed his giant cats upon soldiers from Mingo. They promptly ripped Ming’s guards to shreds, including a rather vicious disemboweling of Klytus.
Ming raced out into the hallway to escape the savage felines and was quickly followed by Jong Il. The chase continued into the aquarium room where Kim tripped as he crossed the threshold. Ming stopped as he realized it was just the two of them and the advantage had swung back into his favor.
Ming leveled his death ray at Kim Jong Il as he began to speak. “It really was cute to watch the way you acted like you were my equal. Unfortunately, no Earth creature can be the peer of Emperor Ming. Fortunately, you won’t be alive to bear the shame as your name becomes a joke across the universe. Do you have any ridiculous last words before you are banished from this life?”
“Just three” Kim said wryly. “So rong, sucker.” Kim Jong Il pressed the button that activated the trap door over which Ming had been standing.
Ming dropped down the hatch into the aquarium below where he was quickly ravaged by the edacious sharks inhabiting the tank. His limbs were devoured in a manner particularly unbecoming for an emperor.
Issue 29:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man |
|
Name: Loki Faufeyson |
| Occupation: Advertising Mascot |
vs. |
Occupation: God of Mischief |
| Origin: Ghostbusters |
|
Origin: Norse Mythology |
Loki was craving something to eat. His dinner had been paltry and it was still many hours before breakfast. He desperately searched for a snack. Unfortunately, those that dwell among the gods do not enjoy simple foods like the plebeians over which they rule. Everything must be bigger, bolder, better tasting. This brings us to our current situation…
Using a clever ruse involving a giant illusion of Mrs. Butterworth, Loki lured Stay Puft out in the woods where he now found himself staring down a gigantic fire surrounded by stacks of graham crackers and a pile of chocolate bars. Stay Puft’s confusion turned to outright worry as the heavenly Butterworth disappeared and was replaced by a grinning Loki.
“Aha,” said Loki smugly, “looks like the food has arrived.”
Realizing he was in trouble, Stay Puft raised his massive foot and brought it crushing down upon Loki. Acting quickly, Loki shielded himself with a magical force field, the outside of which was now completely enveloped in a mountain of sticky goo.
When Stay Puft turned to walk away he was shocked to see Loki still standing there, smiling defiantly. Loki quickly flew high up into the air and dropped a massive fishing net upon the marshmallow man.
Stay Puft struggled to free himself but it only caused him to be further entwined. Off-balance, he stepped on the pile of graham crackers and swiftly came tumbling down– straight into the fire.
Stay Puft watched in horror as his flesh toasted in the heat. Loki licked his lips in anticipation of the wonderful snack before him.
Subscribe to Nerd City
Comments Off