Issue 34:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
Much like Luke Skywalker found himself forced to choose between following Darth Vader, (his “dark father”), and Ben Kenobi, (his “light father”), my world is balanced precariously between two pillars. This is the duality of life, the tension in which we all live. Good-evil. Rolling Stones-Beatles. Krispy Kreme-Dunkin’. Tastes great-Less filling. Mac-PC.
The new dichotomy? The Food Network’s Good Eats vs. Emeril Live.
Many is the hour I have found myself entranced by these two shows clogging up my DVR. If you’ve never watched these shows, you’ve missed out, my friend. Ever since Good Eats was described to me as “cooking for nerds,” I was intrigued. And there was a time when “Emeril” was the name upon every talk show host’s lips. And while these two shows are both about food and cooking, their approaches could not be more different, unless one was a show about matter and the other about anti-matter.
On the one hand you have Good Eats and its cuisine-geek, Alton Brown. It appears that nothing is simple or inconsequential on this show. The show must have quite a budget for goofy costumes and props to demonstrate principles of chemistry. That’s right- a cooking show involving chemistry. I think the overall goal of the writing can be summed up with the following: “overwhelm with information.” I watched two half-hour shows about water- where it comes from, how it’s purified, home purifiers, how to properly boil it, the many differences between the bottled varieties, mineral content vs. spring water vs. carbonation…If they can do this with a topic as mundane and…dry…as water, imagine the complications in the show about making omelettes.
In Brown’s world of foods, everything is carefully measured, precisely manipulated and handled with the utmost of care and attention, I imagine this is what the kitchen of Howard Hughes was like. There was actually a three or four minute segment where Mr. Brown discussed, (with his maddening verbalized pause “uh,” interjected every ten seconds to make the researched writing sound more off-the-cuff, I’m sure), how slicing a loin with the grain tastes better than slicing it against the grain. Better cooking through science indeed.
But man does not live on objectivity alone. Enter Emeril Lagasse, the Yang to Alton Brown’s Yin. He represents the creative, unquantifiable art of cooking. When Brown instructs “1 1/3 cups of cake flour, sifted, no all-purpose flour, please…” Lagasse says “…and we’re going to add a little of this and kinda put it in like this and let it get happy…Ah, yeah, babe.” There is not a measuring cup to be seen. Emeril is the heart to match Alton’s brain, the fleshy Epicurean horror of the professor.
The two men’s individual approaches to food could not be more different and the tone of the shows and their production styles are equally contrastive. Good Eats pronounces scientific wisdom from on high, while Emeril Live is much more experiential, filmed in front of an insatiable live audience that cheers with mouths watering at the mere mention of the word “garlic.” Not to mention the live band that plays in and out of commercials. In comparison to the instructional, quirky humor of Good Eats, Emeril’s show is nothing short of a freaking orgy.
Right now, Emeril is winning the fight for my culinary soul, (not because of the orgy thing,) but for the simple reason that he makes you believe that maybe you can try your hand at this cooking thing. Alton Brown is really good at helping you remember the multitudinous ways you can screw up cooking, (i.e. mismeasuring, not cooking to the exactly correct temperature, selecting the wrong material for your spoons…) Emeril shows how cooking can be fun and improvisational and the end result should be something that tastes good, whereas Alton puts so much effort into the technique and process of cooking that sometimes the end product is obscured.
Issue 34:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
Amdnarg Toh
No superhero team ever conceived has gone through as many iterations as the Avengers. The membership of this oft-forgotten group of “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes,” has been more fluid than a Spring day in Seattle. Its initial stable included Thor, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, Ant-Man, and the Wasp. It seems that the old adage applied to them, and the only thing that remained constant with this team was change. However, there has been enough consistency in the core group of heroes to keep the story from becoming more than just random groupings of heroes by the same name. Some interesting team dynamics ended up making this “gaggle of gallantry” a quite intriguing group to follow.
Ant-Man, scientist Henry Pym, is in an ever-fluctuating identity crisis. He’s Ant-Man one issue, Giant Man the next, then Goliath, and finally YellowJacket. His identity crisis seemingly comes from a deep-seated inferiority complex, which is seen in several stories through the years, resulting in an eventual nervous breakdown. His on-again, off-again relationship with the Wasp eventually resulted in their marriage, which didn’t last due to his mental instability.
The Hulk almost immediately left the group, realizing that the others didn’t think he was cut out for teamwork, given his wild personality and mood swings.
One of the most important events in Avengers history came with the reintroduction of Captain America, who was found frozen floating in the North Atlantic, was revived, and almost immediately became the leader of this band of heroes, and also its most stable member.
Several reformed villains came into the Avengers fold for a time- Hawkeye, an uber-archer, and the Scarlet Witch along with her brother Quicksilver, both the long lost children of X-Men bad guy Magneto.
With the inclusion of the Vision, an artificial life form created by the robot Ultron, (who was himself created by Henry Pym), we have the makings of a nice love story. After becoming a part of the team, he fell in love with the Scarlet Witch, another former villain who had joined the team some time earlier. Their romance, marriage, and eventual copulation and conception of children became its own story line.
The Avengers also went through their own “blaxploitation” phase in the 70’s, adding characters such as the Black Panther and the Falcon. However, the writers actually addressed the affirmative action issue within the comics themselves, with the Falcon actually being aware of his inclusion into the group because of his race, and finally resigned after realizing he was the “token” of the group.
There are more – many more – heroes that have graced the halls of the Avengers mansion in New York, a sweet, swingin’ hero pad funded by Tony Stark, the alter ego of Iron Man. And not only did the group eventually encompass almost every known hero, there were spinoff groups such as the West Coast Avengers, Force Works, and the Young Avengers.
Rather than making major character shifts, and having to re-invent specific characters as writers have difficulty coming up with new material, they simply shifted the membership of the team around to include some new lesser-known character, repentant villain, etc. It allowed fans to have character consistency without the complications of a stale storyline. All in all, Avengers stories seem to hold the interest of the fan base, without any plot revamping, or time loops, or any other lame plot devices used to recreate characters to give them fresh identities and story fodder.
Issue 34:
Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By
Sydney Brown
Just a quick note, I’ve gotten some positive feedback on my Wonder Years essay from a few weeks back, and if you want to relive the magic, (in syndicated form), the series starts all over again on either Thursday June 21st or Friday June 22nd.
Now for some porn and frogs:
Hardcore (1979) George C. Scott, Peter Boyle **
Scott is a midwestern religious man whose daughter runs away to L. A. and becomes a porn actress. Scott then tries to find her using the most convoluted methods possible. Somehow Paul Schrader, who wrote the greatest film of all time, (Taxi Driver), wrote AND directed this mess. Many of the scenes are so ridiculous they are laughable, not to mention the mystery “bad guy” who doesn’t even get mentioned until the end. Good soundtrack and Scott gives a very good performance, but the movie is just too damn weird and silly to be taken seriously.
Frogs (1972) Sam Elliot *
Awful “horror” film about nature fighting back against humanity. A rich family with a house in the swampland gets attacked by alligators, birds, snakes… ironically, everything BUT frogs. Hokey and so-bad-its-good dialogue doesn’t quite make it a must-see, but the film’s logic just about does. Grandpa’s having a birthday, and despite the fact that a family member has just DIED, still INSISTS on going on with his party. Sam Elliot is almost unrecognizable with short hair and no beard, and I’d say he’s probably pretty happy about that.
Knocked Up (2007) Seth Rogan, Katherine Heigl ***
Very funny film about a pothead loser getting a hot on-air talent pregnant during a one-nighter. Rogan is great, and Paul Rudd is his usual show-stealing self, (as is an oddly sensitive doorman.)
The film is hilarious, but the thing just goes on too long. It’s an excellent 90 minute movie that goes two hours. It was very funny, I laughed a lot. BUT. . . . .
Just for the record, I really think I’ve seen one too many romantic comedies. There has GOT to be another plot device that doesn’t involve “boy says something stupid, girl leaves him, boy realizes his mistake, they get back together. ” Knocked Up could have been JUST as funny, and in fact maybe even more charming, if they dropped the pointless “conflict” and just had funny things happen and have the kid born. There’s a good half-hour that REALLY lags because the plot becomes more important than the jokes. I still recommend it, but I don’t feel it was the comedy sensation of the year.
Little Children (2006) Kate Winslett, Jackie Earle Haley ***
Tale of suburbia stars Kate Winslett as an unhappy housewife falling for a stay-at-home dad neighbor. Their story is intertwined with a sexual deviant recently released from prison who may not be completely reformed. Winslett and Haley, (as the sex addict), received well-earned Oscar noms in this gripping story that perhaps has a less than satisfactory ending after what appears to be a huge build-up. I’m not entirely clear what the message is, though I am to assume that just because your sins aren’t publicized, it doesn’t make you any less guilty.
Boogie Nights (1997) Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds ****
One of my all-time favorite films, bar none. Wahlberg is Dirk Diggler, a go-nowhere dreamer with an enormous gift who uses it to become a successful porn actor. Paul Thomas Anderson’s breakthrough is hilarious, scary, sad, uncomfortable, and poignant and all done perfectly. Reynolds was robbed of an Oscar in what is truly a remarkable performance. The writing is sharp, the performances sharper, this film is lightning in a bottle.
Issue 34:
Various and Sundry
By
Medulla Vesuvius
The earth is flat. The moon is made of gorgonzola cheese. The sky is red, and the accordion is a sexy instrument.
Other than the sousaphone and maybe the bagpipes, I can’t think of a musical instrument more weighed down by a reputation of geekiness than the accordion. Playing the accordion is the most effective form of non-contraceptive birth control this side of the rhythm method.
And I’m sure that one big reason for this perceived uncoolness is the accordion’s association with polka music- which is certainly not the ideal accompaniment for seductive advances. Today, I want to salute the accordion and the souls brave enough to strap one on with a list of my favorite pop or rock songs that prominently feature its intoxicating bellows.
1) They Might Be Giants “Subliminal”
The sound of the instrument’s low register is the first sound you hear on the wonderful album John Henry, their first album to feature a full band. And there are many other TMBG songs featuring John Linnell on the squeeze box that are equally worth mentioning: “Particle Man,” “The Famous Polka,” “Snowball in Hell,” “She’s an Angel”… The list could go on and on. And other than its placement on the album and the straightforward “rocking-ness” of the song, (in contrast to the relative quirkiness of the bulk of their material), I merely chose this song because it was the first accordion tune to enter my mind.
2) Vigilantes of Love “America”
This song also starts with a solo accordion playing “Amazing Grace” before flowing into Bill Mallonee’s melancholy ode to a personified America. The melody is unforgettable and the setting appropriately sparse.
3) Sixpence None the Richer “Kiss Me”
This song has become so omnipresent on the radio and movies that it’s easy to forget that the unadorned single-line melody towards the end is the sound of the accordion. It still makes poor ol’ Medulla Vesuvius want to cry and turn his life around every time he hears that: “Deeee Doo Dee Dah, Doo Dee Dah, Doo Dee Doo.”
4) Elvis Costello and the Attractions “Long Honeymoon”
This noir-ish song from Imperial Bedroom features accordion in the European style, the kind that brings up images of dogs falling in love and eating spaghetti in a dimly-lit Italian café. Unfortunately, it’s a song about marital infidelity, from what I can surmise.
5) Paul Simon “That Was Your Mother”
Aha! Enough accordion as the preferred sound for sad sacks! Here we have Paul Simon’s attempt at Zydeco, from the diverse sounds of the Graceland album, (a favorite of Ma and Pa Vesuvius), and the sound just jumps! I defy you to ignore this song. It is impossible for it to fade into the background.
6) Barenaked Ladies “If I Had $100000000”
Speaking of happy-go-lucky accordionica, this song features some nice single-line accompaniment fills during the verses, but the swells into the choruses followed by big chords serve as a great thickening agent to underscore the aching melodic line that responds to each recitation of the title. Plus, how can you resist the Canadian pronunciation of “out” in the phrase “There would be foods already laid OAT or us…”
7) The Decemberists “Leslie Anne Levine”
Lastly, I come to a band as equally enamored with the accordion as early They Might Be Giants. While each of their albums features loads of accordion work, I celebrate this song largely because it leads out the fantastic album Castaways and Cutouts with a majestic mountain melody. Some other accordion gems from the Decemberists: “Odalisque,” “A Cautionary Song,” and “For My Own True Love (Lost at Sea.)”
So, dear reader, what say you? Have you any suggested amedations or grossly neglected accordion favorites?
Issue 34:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Scar |
|
Name: Norman “Green Goblin” Osborne |
| Occupation: Lion King |
vs. |
Occupation: Industrialist |
| Origin: Disney’s The Lion King |
|
Origin: Spider Man |
The 1975 International Scout ambled along the rocky trail. The Green Goblin was on safari and was really enjoying all the sights Africa had to offer. Although he had to spit repeatedly to clear the dust from his mouth the Goblin didn’t mind. He was just glad to be out and away from the hustle and bustle of the city.
Suddenly the air was split by the sound of a bang from the back of the vehicle and the ride became much rougher. The rough road had been more than the old tire could handle and eventually it succumbed to the rocks and burst. Goblin exited the vehicle and was horrified when he discovered the spare was flat as well. He was relieved when he realized he had remembered to pack his glider. Thank heaven he would be able to ride it to the village and get a new wheel.
Goblin was so preoccupied with unloading his glider that he failed to notice Scar approaching him. By the time Goblin became aware of the lion’s presence the cat was airborne, launching towards the back of his neck.
Goblin spun around in time to avoid the death blow, but not in time to avoid the attack entirely. Scar’s jaws closed viciously around the Goblin’s shoulder, tearing away a generous chunk of flesh. Goblin recoiled in pain and Scar roared in fury. Scar immediately attacked again but he quickly discovered that an alert Goblin was not the easy prey that the unaware one had been.
The pain in Goblin’s shoulder was immense but it was not enough to cause him to lose his bearings. This time when Scar lunged towards him he dropped his back to the ground and propelled both feet roughly into Scar’s exposed underbelly, breaking several of Scar’s ribs.
Scar was injured but not finished fighting. Standing above the fallen Goblin, Scar opened his mouth to crush his opponent’s head between his jaws. Anticipating the attack, Goblin heaved a bomb into Scar’s mouth with one hand while grabbing for his glider with the other. The glider whisked Goblin out of the way as Scar’s body fell to the ground he had occupied a moment before.
From a safe distance away Goblin heard the bomb detonate in Scar’s throat. By the time Goblin returned some time later with a bandaged-up shoulder and a new tire, the hyenas and vultures had picked Scar’s bones clean. The king is dead. Long live the king.
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