Issue 38: Various and Sundry
By Statica

Death of a Musician

Joseph Allen Reed was confirmed dead at 4:17 p.m. on June 24th, 2082.

According to Rwandan authorities he was shot twice by a member of a radical Rwandan political movement known only by a symbol: a pink beret. The suspect is in custody and has released no comment.

Dr. Reed was in the midst of delivering a speech promoting peace and compromise in the midst of civil unrest. Born on May 23, 1982, Dr. Reed was still speaking and doing work among the poor at 100 years of age. This was his greatest passion. His heart was full of love and compassion. He once stated that if he could ask God for one thing it would be to “give me a bigger heart and more compassion for the masses.” He lived every single moment of his life to the fullest, always taking time to meet the needs of every person around him.

Dr. Joseph Allen Reed was born in a small town in the panhandle of Oklahoma. He graduated at the top of his high school class and went on to gain a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at Southern Nazarene University. After graduating in the top 15% of his class, he went on to get a Master’s degree in School Psychology from the University of Central Oklahoma and then a Doctorate in Theology from Fuller Seminary.

Dr. Reed then went to work as a School Psychologist in the public school system in southern California. It was there that he wrote his first of thirty-seven books. His most popular work is entitled The Diaries of Andrew. It was heralded as the “most important work for adolescents in this generation,” and received a Pulitzer Prize. Some of the topics it covers include self-esteem, sexual orientation, and abuse.

Dr. Reed was very passionate about empowering the younger generation to become great leaders. He started many after-school programs in addition to his writing, which helped to foster the development of the leadership qualities and education of children of all ages. This small program later became known as the American Youth Movement. Many of our current leaders have been through this program in some way, including President Walters.

It was shortly after graduation that he met his future wife, Michelle Kwan. He had always loved ice-skating and fell in love after the Winter Games in Nagano, Japan. He wrote a letter to her every day for seven years until he got his first response. After eight months of courtship, they were married on a traditional Japanese water garden in southern California.

Upon their marriage, Dr. and Mrs. Reed began doing much traveling to promote the American Youth Movement. Together they worked to establish this program in all fifty states within five years. Many political leaders in other nations took notice. Dr. Reed was invited to speak to the governments of many developed and developing nations alike. In just ten years, the American Youth Movement became the Global Youth Movement.

After spending twenty years working with GYM, Dr. Reed began to focus more attention to one of his earliest childhood passions: music. Joseph loved to write music. He began as part of a trio known as Mr. Blue and the Colortones. They had one song, “Why, Darlene,” break into the Top 100. After little success as part of the trio, Dr. Reed went to work as a solo artist. He wrote and recorded everything himself in his home studio in Laguna Beach, CA. His first album, The Panic Project, went triple platinum and spawned many Top 5 hits including his number-one smash hit: “Excuse my Irresponsibility, I am Improperly Trained.” After experiencing the success of his first album, Dr. Reed recorded three further albums, each less successful than the previous.

After his brief stint at the top of the charts, Dr. Reed and his wife then spent the next forty years doing more work in conjunction with the Global Youth Movement. Together, they toured the world working to establish GYM in every country on earth. To this day, France is the only country yet to be responsive. It was during this time that Michelle became ill with the flu and passed on to the next life at the age of 59. Shortly after her death, Dr. Reed returned to his home in Orange County, CA and went into what he called in his autobiography, Man with a Mission, his “orange period.” He spent many days watching slide shows of him and his wife, eating nothing but oranges, and lying in his empty pool. After a few days, he finally “came to his senses,” as he called it, and began working again in the public school system as a School Psychologist in Orange County, California.

It was during this time that he wrote his final book, The Art of Exercise, which was a humorous satire on the public education system. It was only mildly successful as it contained much more gibberish than actual words.

After working fifteen years as a school psychologist, he retired at the age of 79. He moved in to a retirement community where he played horseshoes and drank coffee every morning at 6:00 a.m. He would appear in public on several occasions on behalf of the Global Youth Movement, delivering speeches and promoting his ideas of peace and compassion. It was during one of these speeches in Kigali, Rwanda that he was assassinated.

Dr. Reed had no children, as he was sterile due to frostbite while climbing Mt. Everest when he was in college. He is the longest surviving member of his family.

Dr. Reed’s funeral service was very large, attended by more than 5,000 people and televised on CNN. It was attended by people of every walk of life, including diplomats, presidents, teachers, and lumberjacks. President Walters made this statement in his eulogy, which sums up the kind of life Dr. Reed lived: “His music, his writing, and the Global Youth Movement are his legacy. Though he has no natural children, he has many who would call him father. I am one of his children. He will be missed.”

Dr. Reed’s last wish is that his entire estate be converted into an orphanage for hungry and homeless Asian children and the royalties from his music be donated to the Global Youth Movement and VH1. He is encouraging all who are inspired or have been impacted by GYM to contribute something, whether it be time, money, or any type of resource so that its continued impact would be felt among the nations of the world.

Issue 38: Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By Clancy Lass

New Zealand is Cool!

 
You know a show is good when you’re already laughing just from the opening credits. HBO’s Flight of the Conchords has steadily become one of my favorite shows for the odd, unusual humor of duo Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie, New Zealand’s fourth-rated folk duo. Intelligent humor is always the best kind, and this nerdy pair makes you work to get all the laughs buried in each episode. Case in point: Bret leaves the band in one episode and Jemaine and Murray hold auditions. The sign on the door lists the qualifications to fill Bret’s spot. You’ll miss them if you don’t pause. They include “Have curly hair,” and “Play guitar, but not very well.” There are also the slogans for the New Zealand posters on Murray’s office walls. Some are blatant and some I’ve missed while my husband was nearly on the floor from the limitations of Murray’s Commodore Vic 20 computer, and Bret’s 1983 Casio DG electric guitar set to electric mandolin and drums.

(On a side note, you also know you are officially out of the cultural loop when your seventy year old Mother calls to ask if you watch the show and fills you in on what it is.)

 
Every episode features the bumbling adventures of the New Zealanders as they settle in New York City and try to make it big on the music scene with aid from an officer of the New Zealand Consulate. They have one über-fan, Mel, whose tongue often begins moving out of her mouth ready to French Kiss the two while speaking to them outside their apartment and they often have to repeat things more than ten times for people to decipher their accents. The genres of music have spanned from French pop, a tribute to David Bowie, Reggae, and bow-chic-a-bow-bow booty songs. Their talents are amazing.  

Aside from the show, there are several snippets from their live performances on YouTube that are often much better than the renditions on the television show. Case in point: “Business Time.” Worked into the show, it’s funny, but slow and full of quirky filming. The live version is all about the facial expressions of Jemaine and a little more revved up. It’s also interesting to watch Bret perform “She’s So Hot – BOOM!” live as opposed to the animation-fueled version in the show. Both are wonderful, but seeing it in one shot in the live performance makes you appreciate his talent even more. On the flip side, there is “Rhymnoserous vs. Hiphopapotomus.” This is much funnier in the show than on the stage, because you are able to hear all the lyrics better, and again, the facial expressions of Jemaine are priceless. Yes, I love Jemaine. My husband knows. He’s okay with it. But I’m okay with his Nicole Kidman fascination…

There is little I can say of the show without spoiling the episodes if you have not yet had the pleasure of their unique, boyish company bestowed upon you in your living room. Go to YouTube and indulge a little. You won’t be disappointed.
 

Issue 38: Superhero Information Initiative
By Amdnarg Toh

Superman – The Comrade of Steel???

Comics in the 40s, 50s, and 60,s were a fairly homogenous group. There weren’t many black, asian, or even redneck heroes. Most of the male heroes were handsome, with square jaws, barrel chests, and the females, (although not displaying the gratuitous amounts of flesh that they would in the 70s and forward), were generally drawn to be easy on the eyes.

The homogeneity extended to the types of villains that our heroes battled – Chinese, Vietnamese, Russians of all sorts, Germans, etc. Basically any non-white ethnic group was subject to villainization at the hands of the comic story writers.

However – since the world is now becoming one big global village, (someone wipe the smirk off my face), we’ve been faced with the reality that when a villain comes on the scene that’s about to enact his plan of world domination, more than just the United States’ cadre of super heroes should be responsible for saving the world.

We’ve also had to deal with some interesting “what-ifs.” One of the most interesting plot twists is: “What if Kal-El’s rocket were launched from Krypton several minutes later than it was, and instead of being found in a Kansas cornfield by John and Martha Kent, he were found in the Ukranian wilderness by a group of collective farmers?” In this tale, young Clark Kent is not taught truth, justice, and the American way. Rather, he is taught the values of communism.

The story is set in three scenes, the first being in the early 1950’s, when things appear to be fairly in line with the “normal” universe. However, the Soviet Union’s secret weapon is revealed – Superman. Instead of a cold war of nuclear proportions, the cold war becomes one of Superheroes pitted against another. Superman appears to be fairly benevolent, helping out problems in his country, and making his world a better place. He meets Wonder Woman, who falls in love with him, and they form an alliance of sorts to rule the world. Lex Luthor becomes Superman’s nemesis in the Unites States, using his super genius to try to thwart Superman’s power, eventually making a clone of Superman called Bizarro.

We then fast forward to the 1970’s, where Superman’s influence has caused major shifts in the continuity of the timeline. The USSR has grown to include all known countries except for the Unites States, and Chile. Stories are told about how dissidents in Superman’s regime are lobotomized and reprogrammed into obedient servants of the republic. Superman sees this as bringing order and stability to his world. Batman becomes a terrorist rebel, leading a group of Batmen in an attempt to overthrow Superman’s regime. Eventually he is captured and killed.

The final part of this sordid tale is set in a super-powered showdown in the year 2000. Lex Luthor has taken over as president and ruler of the United States. He has secretly been building up a legion of super-powered beings as the United States’ last line of defense against Superman invading the country. He forms the Green Lantern Marine Corps, headed up by Colonel Hal Jordan. Superman eventually defeats all of Lex’s super heroes, and the battle shifts to the White House, where Lex finally confronts Superman with the fact that he’s done little more than exert control over people in the name of freedom, all the while removing the freedom he wants for them by controlling them. In a last act of defiance, Braniac, who was captured and reprogrammed by Superman back in the 1970’s, reveals that he was not truly under Superman’s control, and triggers a destruct mechanism in his ship, which would destroy the planet. Superman takes the ship into space, where it blows up. It is assumed that Superman dies in the explosion, finally redeeming himself.

Luthor’s scientific genius eventually brings about the utopia that Superman wanted. Eventually it is revealed that Superman didn’t die in the blast, and is still alive. Lex’s descendants become smarter and more powerful. After a couple thousand years, it is revealed that the Earth is being torn apart by tidal forces, and Jor-L, one of Luthor’s great-great-great grandchildren, launches a rocket back in time, intending to rescue humanity, but the rocket falls into the countryside in the Ukraine, in 1938, which triggers the events in the story all over again.

Somehow this story has drawn a lot of accolades, mostly due to the careful writing of Mark Millar. Careful attention was paid to making parallels of a lot of DC comic characters and plot devices which made realistic extrapolations as to how those elements would play out in this alternate universe. Most noted was the portrayal of Superman’s unwitting good guy gone bad.

If it isn’t already abundantly clear, I’m kind of “drawn,” (bad pun – I know), to these alternate universe stories, mostly because of the tired story lines I sometimes see in mainline comic writing. This one was an artfully done realistic alternate universe that was pulled off without being campy at all, which seems to be a fairly common theme in alternate universe stories.

Issue 38: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

Concert Review: Collective Soul/ Third Eye Blind/ Counting Crows

Many people never get to see their favorite bands perform live. They could be Beatles fans born in 1980 or Nirvana fans living in North Dakota. They could have gone so far as to buy tickets to see Tupac in October of ’96 or be Elton John fans who can’t afford to spend over $100 per ticket. There are many things that can keep us from the music we love.

Last week I was lucky enough to see my favorite band perform live. This was the sixth time I’d had such a privilege and I was grateful. Living in Oklahoma, about the only way you can see your favorite band that many times is to be a Steve Miller Band fan. Despite the fact that they’ve only played once in my hometown, (ten years ago), I was on my way to show number six.

This is the story of the time I watched the Counting Crows in Tulsa.

The Crows were doing a summer tour of baseball stadiums and made a stop in Tulsa at Driller Stadium. Now, I’ll admit that most of Tulsa is quite a bit cooler than my hometown of Oklahoma City, but compared to their minor league baseball stadium, ours looked like Uday’s Palace. What a dump.

It was late July and a 6:00PM start meant the temperature was still very high. This led to both positive and negative outcomes. The heat was uncomfortable and everyone was awfully sweaty. However, on the bright side, every pretty girl in Tulsa came out to the show and the heat ensured none were dressed in bulky sweaters.

As we parked and began walking towards the stadium the evening began on a decidedly sour note. A few steps from the car we saw a boy who couldn’t have been older than 16 take a big drink from a bottle of Jack and proceed to vomit all over the parking lot. It was so warm outside it wasn’t hard to imagine the barf sautéing on the smoldering asphalt.

The sounds of opening band Collective Soul filled the air as we entered the ballpark. We made a quick stop at the t-shirt stand but were quickly dissuaded by the prices. My wife didn’t want to fight the crowds of the infield so we settled into a seat in the bleachers with a nice view of the stage.

Collective Soul put on a solid rock show and the crowd received them warmly. I was surprised by how many of the songs I recognized from the radio. They made a very smart move when playing the obligatory new material no one cared about by going into an AC/DC medley in the middle of the song.

Collective Soul’s 45-minute, all-hit set was followed by another band I had heard plenty of on the radio, Third Eye Blind. TEB came out blazing and didn’t let up. Again I was impressed by how many radio hits this band has produced. A song I had heard many times but was particularly rocked by is their breakout hit “Semi-Charmed Life.” That song translated very well into the soundtrack for our open air party beneath the dwindling rays of the sun.

Sitting directly in front of us was a group of five less-than-attractive middle-aged women. In the break between bands my wife and I had a fun time trying to decide which of them we would “do” should we be forced to choose. She chose the gap-toothed brunette that walked with a cane. It was about fifteen minutes later when I realized the one I chose bore a striking resemblance to Aileen Wuornos. It was about this time we moved over to an adjacent section.

I was particularly impressed by how great both opening bands sounded. After seeing Cinderella in concert last summer and being shocked by how badly the singer’s voice has degraded it was nice to hear two bands still sound the way they are supposed to.

Whereas the first two bands came out heavy, the Counting Crows took a different approach. They calmly took the stage and then singer Adam Duritz proceeded to talk for about five minutes. Don’t get me wrong, talking about their progress on a new album and VH1 being there to film the show was interesting information. It just made for kind of a slow start to their set. Then, making their opening song a slow one from their yet-to-be-released album just about brought the night to a halt.

Ten minutes in, it seemed like this was going to be a less than stellar show. Then they announced they would be dusting off some old songs and Duritz revealed that his girlfriend had just broken up with him that afternoon and it started to feel like we might be on the verge of something special.

After the inauspicious start, the band really rounded into form and played with lots of emotion. The music was so good I felt like I had floated away from Tulsa and just kept sailing to a happier place. They followed “Perfect Blue Buildings” and “Mr. Jones” with the most heartbreaking arrangement of “Miami” I had ever heard. Song after beautiful song drifted through the night. Then, all too soon, Graham Colton came out to join the band on a spirited “Hanging Around,” signaling the end of the show. They played a couple of songs for an encore and then the night was over.

I hope this isn’t the last time I get to see the Counting Crows but in case it is, I can take solace in knowing that the last time was as good as they’ve ever been.

Issue 38: Superhero Information Initiative
By The Rambler

Learning how to be a Hero

Bart Allen: 4th Flash, First appearance, Flash V.2 #91 June 1994

There are days when I sit back and wish that I could still be a child, living out my dreams and fantasies. Most men do, and probably most women. However, in Bart Allen’s case, that’s what gets him into the most trouble and ends up being his most noble quality.

Bart is the Grandson of Barry Allen in the 30th century. He inherited speed from the time he was born. The Earth Government wanted Bart in order to study him and learn how to engineer his speed. Within two years, he aged to age 12. The scientists placed him in virtual reality in order to keep him sane and accelerate his learning. His grandmother, Iris, abducted him and illegally time traveled back to the 20th century in order to have Wally cure Bart of his accelerated growth, before it kills him. Wally understood that it was his accelerated metabolism. He forced Bart to run to the breaking point, where his body wants to give up. Finally, he pushes Bart past this point, jerking his body into a normal growth rate and taming the speed inside.

Now, the problem with Bart is the fact that he believes that reality works like virtual reality, where nothing will hurt him, and the world works according to the rules that no one really gets hurt. He runs headlong into problems without formulating a plan, and ends up depending on instinct. He Assumed the identity of Impulse and was put under the tutalige of Max Mercury in order to learn how to plan, think things through, and how to channel the speed force. Max moved him to Manchester, Alabama, and taught him to appreciate civilian life as well. He made good friends with Carol Bucklen, who helped him tap into his past with his Mother, Maloni Thawne. Maloni is the daughter of the Earth Government President, Who is a decendent of the Cobalt Blue legacy that comes from Barry Allen’s twin brother. President Thawne has genetically engineered Bart’s twin, Thaddeus Thawne, or Inertia. The problem with Inertia is that his goal is to kill Bart and become him. In these efforts, he nearly has trapped Bart in the Speed Force along with Max Mercury.

Bart assumes the role as the Flash, after he, along with the help of Wally, Pushes Superboy Prime into the Speedforce. He comes back aged to 20 years old, and has lost his speed. He tries to deny his call to be a hero, but in a bombing at the car factory that he works at, he goes into speed mode and nearly explodes. However, after assuming the mantle of the Flash, he valiantly becomes the hero, and moves to LA. Here, Inertia talks the other rogues into building a machine that will “Stop time.” In reality the machine absorbs the Speed force that is now fully imbodied by Bart. The machine works, taking away Bart’s Speed, and leaving him vulnerable. His girlfriend, Valarie Perez, deactivates the machine, releasing the Speed force, but it does not save Bart, who is killed by being beaten to death. He knew his future because his Grandmother from the future told it to him, but he tried to be the hero anyway.

Bart died, giving another name to the Flash legacy for Wally to embody. The nobility of Barry, and the childishness of Bart. Bart was idealistic and appreciated life for the sake of life. Bart left the Flash legacy with a call to return to the nobility of the silver age of Barry, and the lightheartedness of the joy of doing good.

Bart’s powers were dominantly Super Speed, but he could also control his body to vibrate through solid objects.