Issue 48: Life in Space
By Amdnarg Toh

The Sounds of Cylons

Hello Apollo, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Through the ship they’re slowly creeping,
They plan to kill us while we’re sleeping,
Alarm bells that pierce my waking brain
Still remain
It was the sounds of Cylons.

In restless dreams we walked alone
In this huge ship that we call home
In the glow of an emergency lamp,
We aim our blasters at the lifeless camp

Then our eyes were stabbed by the flash of a laser light
That split the night
And broke the sound of silence.

“Fools” we said, “you do not know
Their numbers like a cancer grows.
We’ve really got to take the fight to where
They make these metal men of war I swear”
So they asked us to destroy the factory
This they plea
It’s the war with the Cylons

And in the factory light we saw
Ten thousand robots without flaw.
Cyborgs talking without speaking,
Machines hearing without listening.
We plant the bomb and leave like we were never there
And we swear
We left the sound of silence.

And the bulkheads bowed and swayed
As lasers ‘cross the ship were splayed.
And the klaxon flashed its warning,
The alarm that it was forming.
And the sign said, “The Galactica is under attack”
and then the lights went black
And all we heard
Were the sounds of Cylons.

Issue 48: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

Sometimes I like to do themes for my reviews. Sometimes I don’t have the time to do that:

Sleeper (1974) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton ***

Silly film about Woody waking up two hundred years in the future to a dictatorship and discovering he’s the only one who can stop it. Movie is a borderline silent film with its nutty sight gags, much of which work but the film runs out of steam towards the end. Allen’s stand-up routines often bring the film to a halt and seem ridiculously out-of-place and dated. Allen as a futuristic robot is the film’s highlight.

They Live (1988) Roddy Piper, Keith David ***

Cult classic with pro wrestler Piper as a poor working man who discovers a pair of sunglasses that reveal the world has been taken over by aliens. Sly wit and a rather decent acting job by Piper is highlighted by a ridiculous fight scene that became infamous in how long it went (five and a half minutes.) Film has rather good ideas and a cute punchline at the end, but perhaps isn’t quite as good as the hype would have you believe.

Talk to Me (2007) Don Cheadle **1/2

Cheadle gives a great performance as DJ Petey Greene, an ex-con who talks his way into a job at a prominent radio station. The acting is strong, but the script is a tad weak, not focusing on what exactly made Greene so beloved by his audience, but instead creating the same old bio cliches that seem to happen to every famous person, and the last half hour switches gears altogether as Petey becomes a minor character in his own movie. Very powerful middle section dealing with the death of MLK, but film starts to lose its focus once Petey gets on The Tonight Show. Good but unspectacular.

Zodiac (2007) Jake Gyllenhall, Mark Ruffalo ***

David Fincher drama chronicling the Zodiac murders of the 1960s and one man’s obsession with finding the killer. Jake Gyllenhall and Robert Downey Jr. give their usual great performances, though the film’s flaw is since it’s based on a true story, if you know about the killings, you know how it ends. Great use of music and cinematography and a thoroughly entertaining film, though not as memorable as I had hoped and quite a few scenes could have been cut to make the film better.

Eagle vs. Shark (2007) **1/2

Ever wondered what Napolean Dynamite would have been like if it took place in New Zealand? Me neither, but you can know with this film about a female fast-food clerk in love with a dorky video game salesman. The two share wacky adventures as the guy goes back home to get revenge on the guy who tormented him in school. Some cute bits and a pretty funny punchline but it’s surrounded by a style and quirkiness WAY too reminiscent of a certain other film. Has its charms but it isn’t enough.

-Sydney Brown

Issue 48: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Joker vs Darth Vader

Name: Joker		Name: Darth Vader
Occupation: Criminal	vs.	Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith
Origin: Batman comic books		Origin: Star Wars

Darth Vader was grumpy. He was four hours into a ten-hour road trip and, thanks to Imperial cutbacks, he was forced to take the Greyhound. Vader’s legs ached as the seats were not made for someone of his size and a baby two rows back had been crying for the last four counties.

Seeking a reprieve of any kind, Vader pulled his iPod out of his pack. The Evil Genius Orchestra had soothed his anxiety so many times before and he hoped it would happen once more. However, when he inserted his earbuds he felt the strangest sensation. The first thing he noticed was his ears felt wet. Almost immediately he detected a warmth in his ears. The warmth quickly accelerated into a full fledged raging burning pain.

Vader was confused, but only momentarily. From behind him he heard the cackling laughter of the Joker! “What’s going on, Darth? Are you listening to some HOT tunes?”

Vader turned in a rage and grabbed the Joker by the throat. “What have you done to me?”

Even as he asked the question, Vader realized he didn’t care. All he cared about now was revenge. He used the force to pull his lightsaber from his pack and activated it. Simultaneously, the Joker blew a fine white powder towards him. It infiltrated his breath filter and instantly made him feel funny. Vader’s senses were dulled and he was quite sure he was stoned.

Darth clumsily swung his lightsaber and missed, which was especially astonishing given the confined quarters of the bus. The sight of the blade sent the other passengers into a panic and they frantically climbed over one another and the rows of seats to get clear of the melee.

The Joker struck again, this time with a high-voltage hand buzzer. He slapped it into Vader’s chest and sent his life support machinery into mayhem. The Joker readied another attack but Darth lay prone. He harkened back to his force training and allowed himself to relax and focus.

The Joker advanced to attack again, but this time Darth was ready. He unleashed a force crush on the Joker’s throat that was so ferocious that his head was violently and forcefully removed from his neck. Blood erupted from the gaping hole like a crimson Old Faithful.

By now the driver had stopped the bus and pulled off to the side of the road. “All right, you two!” he bellowed. “No roughhousing on the bus. You’re out of here.”

Vader grabbed his pack and slunk off the bus. He watched with disappointment as the bus drove away without him. With grim resolve he turned to the road and extended his thumb. The journey must continue.

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