Issue 16: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

John Doe vs Nurse Ratched

Name: Mildred Ratched		Name: John Doe (unknown)
Occupation: Nurse	vs.	Occupation: Serial Killer
Origin: One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest		Origin: Se7en

Having been named too great a nuisance at his previous institution, John Doe was recently transferred to Portland State Mental Hospital where he would be under the care of Nurse Mildred Ratched. She was stern and unfair and was deemed capable of corralling John Doe’s manic ways.

John Doe was inspiring to the other inmates and they rallied behind him, evolting against Nurse Ratched and her establishment. Everyone was assembled in the day room as tensions came to a head.

“You will all quiet down and line up to take your medicine in an orderly fashion or there will be consequences!” said Ratched.

“I don’t require any medication, Nurse Ratched” Doe replied. “It’s more comfortable for you to label me as insane.”

With that, Ratched quipped, “If you don’t want to take your medication orally, I’m sure we can arrange that you can have it some other way. But I don’t think that you will like it.”

Everyone knew what she was threatening. She was a huge proponent of administering medications anally and if you’ve ever had to take pills up the butt you know it ain’t no fun.

John Doe grabbed Ratched by the hair and slammed her face against the wall, breaking her nose. He then stood and watched her bleed. Ratched cried out for the guards. “That’s it, Mister. You’ve just bought yourself a lobotomy!”

As the guards grabbed John Doe and strapped him to a gurney, he calmly surveyed the room before locking eyes with one of the inmates, the Big Chief.

Unnoticed, the Chief swept across the day room and ripped the television from the wall. Carrying it in his mighty arms he swiftly brought it crashing down on Nurse Ratched’s head.

Ratched crumpled to the ground, her head still encased in the television frame. Her legs quivered slightly as the life left her body.

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