Issue 28: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Darth Vader vs John Doe

Name: Darth Vader		Name: John Doe
Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith	vs.	Occupation: Serial Killer
Origin: Star Wars		Origin: Se7en

John Doe had been cruising the Wal-Mart parking lot for the better part of a half hour. Sure it was the day before Christmas Eve and crowds were to be expected, but if he was going to murder his latest target in the method he had planned he desperately needed two gallons of paint thinner, a pogo stick and a bag of Cheetos puffs. Truth be told, the Cheetos weren’t a part of the plan but he had a coupon for them and they sounded really good.

Finally, John spotted a space and eureka! it was a great spot, right near the door. He angled his ‘86 Civic hatchback towards the spot but was cut off at the last moment as a blur whished past him into the space!

Darth Vader stopped his speeder bike as he marveled at his luck. Who could have guessed he could get such a great parking spot on such a busy day? The force was clearly with him. His head was in the clouds as he went over all the gifts he needed to buy and Darth paid no mind to the indignant man in the car a few feet away from him.

John Doe abruptly brought his Civic to a halt and glared at the jerk who stole his spot. Sure he was a big looking dude, but he had no idea who he had just messed with. John yelled out the window “Hey! You better move that hunk of junk or you’re going to regret it!”

Vader ignored John which was the final straw. “Oh, you didn’t hear me?” John revved his engine and blasted his car right into the speeder-bike. “Maybe you hear me now.” The car’s fender was dented in but the speeder-bike was demolished.

With that, Vader turned. “Don’t be too proud of your Honda Civic. The ability to destroy a speeder-bike is insignificant to the power of the force.”

Vader began using the force to crush the small car. John barely dove to safety before it was crumpled into a large metal ball.

John Doe used surprising quickness to pull a handgun from his jacket and emptied the clip at Vader, who deflected the bullets with a wave of his hand. The bullets peppered an unsuspecting cart boy who was making his way out to the lot.

At this, John began to realize he had perhaps underestimated his adversary. He began backing away while apologizing to Lord Vader.

Vader was no longer amused and was anxious to get to his shopping. He unsheathed his lightsaber and flung it towards Doe, using the force to guide it cleanly through his body.

Apology accepted, jackass.