So what happens when you combine an “ogre who looks like a librarian” with a scruffy, skater wannabe and a clueless ginger haired part time pseudo manager? The fourth best folk pop duo in New Zealand of course silly! My introduction to Brett McKenzie and Jemaine Clement, also known as Flight of the Conchords, was through a guy at work, who insisted that it was probably the funniest show on TV, and that he had just bought the season one DVD compilation. But alas, since I didn’t have HBO, I wouldn’t to partake… So I filed it away as one of those shows to check out when I’m traveling….

A few weeks later, my PHD (Pretentious Hipster Douchebag) buddy at work had a clip of some song playing on his computer and was almost literally falling out of his chair, so of course I had to check it out. He was playing a clip from Business Time, which I must agree was totally hilarious. Fast forward a week and I’m at PHD guy’s house playing poker. He hands me the DVD and says “If you thought that clip was funny, you’ve got to watch this”. I took it home the next day, cracked it open to see what comedic nuggets it might hold, and found myself four hours later still entranced by the sheer genius of these guys… I actually watched the entire season in just two sittings – the spousal unit spending just enough time in the room to say “Are you STILL watching that stupid show???”. Needles to say, a couple of months later when I found out that the guys had released a CD of the songs from the show, I was determined to get it. And I’ve got three words to describe my response – LUH HUV IT!!!

The only problem is that the whole CD is very contextualized. If you haven’t seen the show, many of the songs don’t make much sense. You have to immerse yourself in the whole experience before the more subtle points of some of the lyrics come together, and often, the visual comedy in the TV episodes provides some necessary sensory input to the interpretive process for most of these tracks. (Isn’t that what videos are supposed to do anyway?) However – this CD isn’t just a soundtrack of some esoteric show with a huge cult following… Ok – maybe it is…

Of course, I’m a sucker for parody – a vice which started in junior high with me tuning my boom box to the faraway FM station on Saturday nights when the Dr. Demento show aired.

But these guys take the parody to a new level – by participating as the object of their own self-parody – the way these guys “deadpan” their whole performance, on screen, and off, leave you wondering whether or not they actually take themselves seriously.

My recommended favorite tracks –
Foux de Fafa
Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenocerous

And… Leggy Blonde brings a tear to my eye every time ;D

Not all of the songs in the series are on this CD, so if you’re a die hard fan, and your favorite isn’t included, you’ll have to stick with the grainy , low-fidelity tracks floating around out there on the internet, as extracted from the DVD… But for the songs that are included, we can enjoy FoC nirvana as we listen to The Most Beautiful Girl(In the Room) to escape the cubical world as we cruise down the two lane towards home – that is, if home is a sonic “Alice in Wonderland”…

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is William Thomas Fairport III, and I write this letter holding the utmost contempt for a recent review of Douglas Hofstadter’s Godel, Escher, and Bach published within the pages of your modern electro-zine. After the egregious review of this book by the most esteemed M. Vesuvuis, I found myself taking serious umbrage to the most villainous caricature of this classic work by Mr. Hofstadter. How could the journal of our Fair City be so horribly wrong?

As support for my thesis, I present a small excerpt from another expert, the Beligerent A. Toh:

My favorite quote in this book? On page 559 we read ‘We can now construct one of the main theses of this book’… And it took me three months of reading to get that far. And this is my second time through this book!!!

And it really does take a lot of that 559 pages to really get to the point. The reader is led through a fairly interesting discussion of symbolic logic and basic number theory, illustrated not by graphs, charts, and tables, but by an overarching series of narrative vignettes starring the recurring characters of the Turtle, Achilles, and Mr. Crab.

And…

But… This book isn’t for the faint of heart. I wouldn’t recommend it to the uninitiated, unwashed, unenlightened masses of non-geekdom. Even those with a fairly refined love of math, art, or music (or even all three) are sometimes lost in the highly technical descriptions of the MIU and TNT systems, and are totally lost when the discussion of self-referential languages, mathematical systems, and even biology turns to the technical. I’m glad it wasn’t recommended to me until I was well entrenched in grad school, and had a fair grasp of Turing Machines and automata of various stripes.

What’s significant about this book, though, is that for those “in the know” (wink, wink), it is the best work that pulls the esthetic elements of art and music into the world of mathematical theory, artificial intelligence, and graduate level computer science topics. And what’s REALLY surprising is that this book was written over 30 years ago, yet the topics discussed and theses postulated are still being validated and discussed. In a sense, it has become the “classic” work that all computer scientists should read.

And further:

Several epiphanic moments came after reading about crab canons (You’ll have to read the book). While playing the guitar, a certain pattern seemed to arise from the chord progressions and the melodies I was playing. It made some sense to me finally, but not in an aesthetic sense, but in a structured, patterned way. And the chapter I was reading in GEB provided the handles for me to be able to understand why it had “clicked” for me… Math… Patterns of numbers… The music of the spheres!!!

So… I suggest you find some REAL book reviewers, and leave the serious books to the less namby-pamby staffers out there – or I shall have to contact my close compatriot Herman T. Zweibel, whom I believe is still editor-at-large for that most heavenly paper The Onion, and have him give you a thorough tongue-lashing.

Signed,

WTF

Hello Apollo, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Through the ship they’re slowly creeping,
They plan to kill us while we’re sleeping,
Alarm bells that pierce my waking brain
Still remain
It was the sounds of Cylons.

In restless dreams we walked alone
In this huge ship that we call home
In the glow of an emergency lamp,
We aim our blasters at the lifeless camp

Then our eyes were stabbed by the flash of a laser light
That split the night
And broke the sound of silence.

“Fools” we said, “you do not know
Their numbers like a cancer grows.
We’ve really got to take the fight to where
They make these metal men of war I swear”
So they asked us to destroy the factory
This they plea
It’s the war with the Cylons

And in the factory light we saw
Ten thousand robots without flaw.
Cyborgs talking without speaking,
Machines hearing without listening.
We plant the bomb and leave like we were never there
And we swear
We left the sound of silence.

And the bulkheads bowed and swayed
As lasers ‘cross the ship were splayed.
And the klaxon flashed its warning,
The alarm that it was forming.
And the sign said, “The Galactica is under attack”
and then the lights went black
And all we heard
Were the sounds of Cylons.

Ok… As if my opinion on this mattered to the “head shed” at Marvel… And as if my previous musings on the whole Captain America thing hadn’t already been made abundantly clear… LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE! HE’S DEAD!

The whole Marvel Civil War thing seemed to me to be a case of blatant political bullshit, but in spite of itself, having an overarching storyline provided a lot of room for some fairly significant development of both the minor and major characters. Of course, when you basically “out” over half of the worlds’ superheroes, you introduce a human element that makes the characters a bit more believable. And the assassination of Steve Rogers, Captain America, was the capstone to this whole shebang. Kill a major character, let the world mourn, have some random heroes carry the mantel of the fallen hero for a while… Boo freakin hoo! So all that’s left to fill the cookie cutter plotline that’s been used for oh, fifty years or so, is for the fallen hero to be resurrected.

So guess what?

Bucky Barnes was the sidekick to the Cap’n for a number of years during the WWII era. He was just an orphan kid (another tired sidekick theme) who hung around the Army base where his Dad was stationed. He accidentally walked in on Steve Rogers changing into his Captain America outfit, and vowed to keep his secret if the Captain would train him. So Bucky Barnes became one of the few Marvel teen sidekicks. However, as destiny would have it, he didn’t last long. During the same ill-fated mission that left the Captain in suspended animation, frozen in an iceberg, Bucky was supposedly killed, never to be brought back… Until it was convenient.

So we have the story of the Winter Soldier, who is really Bucky Barnes. After the accident that supposedly killed him, the Soviets found a body floating in the Arctic, missing an arm. They nursed him back to life, gave him a cybernetic arm, and reprogrammed his mind, occasionally reviving him from his semi-permanent suspended animation to go on missions of ultimate importance.

Eventually he meets up with Captain America, who eventually is able to restore Bucky’s memories, but before they can fully reconcile, Steve Rogers is shot and killed. Blaming Tony Stark (Iron Man) for Steve’s death, Bucky plans to kill him, but ends up just stealing the Captain’s shield, hoping to keep Mr. Stark from appointing someone else to replace Steve. It is finally revealed that before his death, Steve had secrety written Tony Stark, asking him to take care of Bucky. Bucky decides to take on the mantle of the red, white, and blue, and Stark decided to secretly support him, even though it would be illegal for him to do so since Bucky intends to keep his secret identity.

So now we’ve got a new Captain America.

But if you’re really going to kill off a major character, then do it. Make it final. Retconn him or her in 20 years, not in 6 months. Captain America’s “resurrection” is only slightly justified by the fact that it’s really Bucky under that shield and mask. But I guess it was destined to happen – many have worn the shield from the Punisher to Power Man, to the cadre of miscellaneous guys in the 50’s and 60’s. They could at least give him some long-forgotten vial of the Super Soldier serum to give him something other than a shield, gun, and a cybernetic arm. I’ll bet it doesn’t even shoot lasers!!! Sheesh!

I’m usually not a huge fan of mixing apocalyptic biblical metaphors with current events, or even fiction. I get enough of that watching overdressed, overweight, sweaty TV preachers with prophecy charts trying to convince me that Saddam Hussein is the antichrist, that there are 88 reasons why Jesus is going to come in 1988, and why the european union will somehow become the devil’s political pawn. But after recently reading the Kingdom Come story, I’m going to bend this particular rule just a bit.

We’re told the story through the eyes of a preacher, who comes to the aid of the Specter, and is assigned the task of viewing the events and passing judgement on the evil doers. The story is set some decades in the future, where the current generation of heroes have aged a bit, and the world is a considerably different place. Superman is in self-imposed exile. Green Lantern has established an outpost in space, and guards against an alien invasion that may never come. The Flash can no longer even move at normal speeds, and is in constant motion. Etc, etc. Most, if not all of the superheroes we know and love have “stepped back” from active duty for one reason or another.

But the beat goes on, or so the story goes. The vacancy left by these heroes is filled by a younger, more brazen group of super-powered beings, some of whom are hard to discern whether they are hero or villain. One super-dude in particular, Magog, becomes the catalyst for much of the conflict. We’re also told that Magog was the reason that Superman went into retirement, when, after killing several people that worked at the Daily Planet, including Lois Lane, the Joker was brought to trial. As he was being escorted into custody, the Joker was killed by Magog. Superman brought Magog in to be tried for murder, and found out that the public sided with Magog. Hopelessly depressed by the public’s loss of confidence in him, and by the death of Lois, Superman went into retreat at his fortress of solitude.

The point of crisis in this story comes as a group of semi-heroes, called the Justice Batallion, led by Magog, attempt to capture a villain known as the Parasite, and in the ensuing battle, Captain Atom is killed, his nuclear energy released on the surrounding Kansas countryside. The fallout kills many and leaves a significant portion of the Midwestern United States irradiated and unlivable. This event drives Superman to come out of retirement and confront the new heroes – his “second coming” of sorts.

Of course, these new heroes think that Superman is hopelessly outdated and clueless about the nature of reality. And a new conflict is birthed out of the ethical and moral cleansing that Superman begins to institute. Essentially anyone who refuses to submit to the “higher” morality that he presents is captured and imprisoned.

And in a nefarious sub plot, Lex Luthor has plans of his own to eliminate the heroes altogether, and give humanity “freedom” from the oppressive presence and rule of the meta-humans. The climactic battle – Armegeddon – comes as the villains escape the prison built for them, and are confronted by Superman. The United Nations are convinced to launch nuclear weapons sufficient to kill all of the metahumans, and as they are being launched, Lex Luthor initiates his plan, and releases Captain Marvel, who has been brainwashed by Luthor, and is sent to keep Superman from diverting the nuclear warheads from the battlefield. Captain Marvel almost defeats Superman, and at the final moments of their battle, is forced back into his human form, Billy Batson. With insufficient time to divert the warhead from the battlefield, Superman forces Billy to make the decision to either save the metahumans by allowing Superman to sacrifice himself, which would allow the metahumans to rampage without control, or to allow the metahumans to die in the explosion. Batson decides to become Captain Marvel and save both the metahumans and Superman by sacrificing himself. However, Captain Marvel was not fast enough, and was only able to contain part of the blast, and few of the metahumans survive.

In the aftermath, Superman flies to the UN building to confront the humans that launched the nuclear weapons. Not realizing that some of his friends survived the blast, he flies into a rampage, until the Specter shows him that he had become what the humans feared in the younger metahumans- a vigilante above the law. Dismayed at his own behavior, Superman vows to cease being a “god”, and will more fully participate in human affairs. He takes it upon himself to renovate the Kansas landscape, hitching himself up to a giant plow (swords to plowshares reference anyone?)

So… We’ve got an apocalyptic event of HUGE proportions, almost as big as The Day After, the 80’s TV movie. You’ve got Superman in a ponytail. Wonder Woman on some kick-ass battle armor. And sub plots involving most of my favorites DC heroes – all the makings of a shut-me-up comic burrito/enchilada combo. Me like!!!

And I can’t help but comment on the ending – a little too much “peace on earth goodwill to men” to suit me. Essentially the message we’re left with is that after the end battle, good will prevail and the earth won’t need heroes to curb evil anymore, and they will focus on bettering mankind through humanitarian deeds. Although I agree with this vision on a personal level, I say “Keep that crap out of my comics!!!” I mean- Lex Luthor as a nurse in Batman’s hospital? Come on… All it cost was the genocide of the majority of the metahumans, (read bad guys), on the planet. I’ll leave the political commentary for some other time.

Marvel is doing a – pardon the pun – marvelous thing… They are going to start publishing their older comics online. See the CNN article.

This can’t be anything but good for everyone-the proverbial win-win. But really – it’s about time. The world wide intra webs have been around now for at least forty years or so since Big Al invented them in college. And a lot of folks had access to their favorite comics online anyway, just not in the most “legal” way, if you know what I mean.

It’s the age old problem – how to get readers to buy new stuff so the companies can pay the writers and artists to produce quality stories and product. If you don’t have readers to pay for product, your quality suffers, and then you lose readers, which causes quality to suffer even more as the dollars dwindle furiously.

Part of the problem with getting new kiddos (and I mean kiddos in the most liberal way) interested in comics is that most, if not all, of the more mainline comic book heroes have SIGNIFICANT back stories, many of which reach back to issues decades old. How accessible are twenty, thirty, or forty-year old comics to the newbie who simply wants to read such stories? Impossibly inaccessible I tell you. Even if you could find the one person who has all of the issues you want to read, it’s likely that they are one of those picky types who don’t really read their comics, but place them in hermetically-sealed containers for safekeeping. Perhaps that jazzes some folks, but it’s only depressing for the kid who can’t afford the $50-$100 eBay price for that back issue. Nevermind that the multi-dollar price for single NEW issues is probably out of the range of a lot of youngsters.

So… Now we have Marvel and DC finally coming around to the digital age. With their archives available digitally on the internet, my prediction is that they’ll see a huge influx of new readers. Not only those who are interested in the back stories of more popular characters/groups, but they will find interest in the less mainline groups and characters. One of the effects of the decline in comic book readership in the late 80’s and 90’s was that many of the less popular titles were dropped entirely because it was too costly to produce titles that didn’t sell in volume. Remember PowerMan and Iron Fist? Captain Carrot? If DC and Marvel follow the best of what the music industry has done, they will make considerably more titles available at a much reduced cost. Eventually, I can envision that paper copies will be only for dyed-in-the-wool collectors, and that all new publishing will be done digitally over the internet. Cheap comics for the masses = more sales = more money to introduce new titles and pay artists and writers better for their product.

Hopefully they won’t go the way of the music industry and try to hold onto a profit model that is based on control of the distribution medium. Once you go digital baby, you have to embrace all if stands for – liberation from tightly controlled distribution channels, more power given to the artists, etc…truth, justice, and the American way…

His faculty advisor stated “Along with being the only mountain dwarf in his family to ever attend college, he has excelled in many academic pursuits, not the least of which being his studies in Argumentative Rhetoric, rising to star placement as a Master Debater on the debate team. We’re extremely proud of him here at Eff U.”

Mr. Toh has been a member in good standing of several academic fellowships his entire college career, the two most prestigious being I Ata Pi, the fraternity of culinary arts aficionados as well as the popular leisure studies Honor Society, I Felta Thi.

He was also chosen to be among a handful of students across the nation to receive special financial consideration by the honorable Electrical Engineering National Interscholastic Endowment, (EENIE) as well as the more specified Microscopic Electrical Engineering National Interscholastic Endowment, (MEENIE.)

But home always had a special place in his heart and thus his equally impressive volunteer work in his hometown of Owatonna, MN– a rare advisory board placement with the Minnesota Institute for Nurturing Enterprising Youth, (MINEY) and the Minnesota Organization of Entrepreneurs, (MOE.) “We here at MINEY are very proud of the momentous, altruistic work that Mr. Toh has been able to fit in to his six years as a college student,” gushes president Adolph Oliver Knipple

But a sense of balance between studies and fun is a rare commodity in the lives of academically gifted people. However, Amdnarg has managed it quite well. “What’s that saying? ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?’” opines girlfriend Anita Mann. “Well, Ammy, (as he’s known to close friends) is certainly not a dull boy,” referring to his activity as apostle of school spirit on the yell team.

“He made a great impact on many of us here. His sense of camaraderie and love for his fellow man was evident,” quipped Jimbo Berkinghamshirewood, the president of the yell team.

“At basketball games, he was always able to gather the students into a rhythmic chant of Eff-U Forever!” says fellow student Harry Palms.

“He even sometimes tried to make the referees feel like a part of the team by shouting Eff-U! at them continually from the sideline – What a guy!” quipped sophomore student Amanda Hugginkiss.

In addition to his Degree in Argumentative Studies and additional engineering research, he was granted the Argumentative Studies Specialty designation on his diploma. He was recorded as saying “Whenever I look at my diploma on the wall, and see that they realized that I was such an ASS, I’ll think to myself – thank God. Eff-U Forever!”

During my decade-long hiatus of being involved in the reading, collecting, and generally being owned by comic books and comic book characters, some really weird stuff happened…

Comics got really dark.
X-Men changed costumes at least 12 times.
The only Avenger I knew was Captain America.
The original Robin became Nightwing, and replacement Robin #1 was killed by the Joker.
And… Superman died. It was the Death of Superman that awakened me from my lethargic non-comic book involved state.
And why? Not really because Superman died. I knew it was a ratings ploy from the start.

Because Supergirl wierded me out!

A bit of explanation first…

Doomsday was the mysterious monster being who began to terrorize the countryside around Metropolis, Superman’s adult hometown. The Justice League of America was dispatched to take care of him and they ALL, collectively, got their asses handed to them by this unknown beast. Of course, Superman was unavailable at the time, but eventually got the message and showed up to make Doomsday’s – well— er— day. Kal-el found out he was WAY in over his head, and sacrificed himself to stop Doomsday, dying in the arms of his wife, Lois Lane. But that’s not THIS story…

In a critical moment of the battle between Superman and Doomsday, Supergirl intervened. I figured “Hmmm… There might just be enough power between TWO Kryptonians to take care of this menace.” Within about two nanoseconds of her joining her cousin’s defense of Metropolis and humanity itself, she gets KO’ed by the big grey guy. And turns into a grey putty like substance, smoking like she had escaped from a fire!!! And she’s picked up by none other than Lex Luthor, but he’s got long red hair and beard!!! I had to figure this one out, so I turned to the Internet, which at the time was a bit in its infancy, and didn’t have the mountains of comic related information readily available, so I had to do my research the old fashioned way – by collecting and reading the different issues that had information in them about Supergirl.

A short bit of research on today’s Internet yields the following Supergirl “lineage”:

Kara Zor-El – The original version, who was Superman’s cousin from Krypton. Some story lines indicate she lived in the bottled city of Kandor, some have her being sent to Earth in a rocket, much like Kal-El. In the original story line, a small part of Krypton survived its explosion, was eventually in jeopardy, so Kara was sent to Earth by her parents to be raised by her cousin. She holds a secret identity, Linda Danvers. This Supergirl died in the Crisis on Infinite Earths series in 1985. However, she has been recently reintroduced into the DC comics storyline, (2004.)

Matrix – The Supergirl encountered in the Doomsday story. Turns out this incarnation of Supergirl was a being called Matrix. She was a created lifeform with shape shifting abilities who took on the persona of Supergirl to help her hero, Superman. She had telekinetic abilities, which allowed her to mimic a number of Superman’s powers. Her story takes a number of twists, eventually leading to her “merging” with a human named Linda Danvers, losing some of her powers, gaining them back, and eventually being wiped out of the universe by the 2005 Infinite Crisis storyline.

Cir-El – A short-lived Supergirl who was initially thought to be the daughter of Kal-El and Lois Lane, returned from the future, but was found out to be a genetically modified human.

Ok… since I’ve now embraced this bluegrass “funk” in which I find myself, I thought I’d elaborate on some of the more interesting musical experiences of my youth. If you didn’t grow up in the south with parents that had a penchant for southern gospel music, then you may not even have heard of these, much less seen them played live. I’ve seen ‘em all.

My parents attended a small Freewill Baptist church in Arkansas when I was in the first and second grade. Usually, one Sunday out of the month was “Singspiration Sunday”. This was basically an excuse to have a chaotic musical free for all, with the intent of somehow lifting us all from our spiritual complacency into heavenly bliss. Often it was a chore to endure to the end – now that I think about it, I did become more patient. Maybe that’s the enlightenment I was supposed to get. Anyway, I about flipped out when I saw a guy bust out a hammer and hand saw. By placing one end of the saw in his lap, and holding the other end in his hand, he was able to hammer out a tune, accompanied by the church pianist.

My next introduction to homegrown music was at Silver Dollar City in good ole’ Branson Missouri. Often, the park would invite local musicians to play at various venues to entertain the visitors. I was sitting listening to two guys, one with a guitar and one with a banjo, strumming and picking along just fine. Then a guy walks up in overalls. He must have been around 70 or so. He donned some of the old strap-on roller skates with metal wheels. I thought – “What’s he up to?” He proceeded to do a kind of sliding/rolling tap dance as a percussion back-beat to the bluegrass the two other guys were playing. It wasn’t bad percussion, mind you, just atypical. In fact, I was more interested in whether he was going to fall and break a hip than I was about the quality of the beat he was a’ layin’ down.

The most recent example was of someone “Playing the Bones”. No – that’s not some sort of tawdry euphemism. Playing the bones is another percussive technique that involves the use of rib bones or wood carved in the shape of rib bones. The bones are held between the fingers, and a technique used to flop the arms and wrists in the air and against the chest to create a clickety-clack kind of percussion, in time with the music. Two of the most popular techniques are called the “full upper body dry heave” and the “epilepsy in A minor.”

Another back-woods folk instrument worth mentioning is the jug. Most kids have at one time or another made a soda bottle whistle by blowing across the opening. Some have even noticed the differing pitch as the bottle is emptied, and have set up multiple bottles with differing levels of fluid in them to produce multiple notes. But the standard is to use empty ceramic moonshine, or corn mash jugs, sans alcohol. Some say that the enlightenment to play the jug comes during the emptying process. Anyway, large jugs such as the kind that are typically portrayed in bluegrass settings, are used as a droning bass percussion. However, I once saw a group of about ten people, each with 3-4 soda bottles, play a fairly complicated multi-part musical number, handbell style. It was in Mexico, on a work and witness trip, so I’m not sure it counts in my litany of southern culture home brew instruments, but hey – this is my story.

Ok. Am I the only thirty-something on the planet who doesn’t understand the current fad of text messaging? Let’s see… If you have a cell phone, a device capable of carrying your voice over long distances, why would you send me some crappy abbreviated, misspelled, terse message that I might not understand, when you could just as easily call me? Remember: it takes less effort to place an actual voice call than it does to send me a text message.

My litany of texting evils:

1. Requires the use of your hands. With the amount of cell phone zombie drivers on the road, I wonder how long it will be before we see text related accidents? Unless humans grow a third arm, and are suddenly able to use some of that 90% unused brain capacity, I’m VERY worried about drivers trying to text while driving.
2. Simple courtesy. In real conversations, meetings, and any other sort of interactive conversation, it’s generally considered to be rude to interrupt. However, it seems that texting during meetings, conversations, etc. has somehow become acceptable. I can see how this might be ok for teenagers, but for adult professionals? Choose who you’re going to communicate with please, and let me know when you can talk to me without distraction. Texting during meetings is as inappropriate as passing notes while the professor is lecturing.
3. Decline in writing skills. When texting, (laden with its emoticons and abbreviations), becomes a primary mode of communication, normal writing skills go on the decline. Perhaps this isn’t such a bad thing, and the vernacular will change to suit a more terse writing style. But I doubt it. We’ll just have to retrain folks to actually spell and write out whole words when they move into the non-texting world.

However, one important aspect of texting is very beneficial. It’s an asynchronous mode of communications. Just like email, texting makes “unconnected” communications possible. In fact, texting is really just a poor man’s Blackberry, the current trendy email thingy for technophiles. Whether or not the Blackberry has made folks more productive remains to be seen, but it most certainly makes it easier to connect with folks. It does make some sense, then, that if I have a low priority message to send, that I send it, and just wait for a response to come later. This is the reason, I believe, why it’s so prominent a habit for folks to text during other modes of communication. It doesn’t require full allocation of the time slot for me to do a “back and forth” quick message.

I’m sure a lot of my griping is just from my being an old fogey. I hardly thought I’d be such a crotchety old guy at the ripe age of 36, but I guess it’s my lot in life. I’ll probably just have to give in and buy the powder blue jump suit, dark socks, and Velcro tennis shoes. If you see me wandering down the road, mumbling to someone who isn’t really there, I’m probably just talking to make sure I still remember how.

And please – if you want to talk to me, just call me. I promise not to drone on and on or make small talk just because…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some googling to do. I heard there was a way to flip the bird via an emoticon… Sheer genius!!!

Comics in the 40s, 50s, and 60,s were a fairly homogenous group. There weren’t many black, asian, or even redneck heroes. Most of the male heroes were handsome, with square jaws, barrel chests, and the females, (although not displaying the gratuitous amounts of flesh that they would in the 70s and forward), were generally drawn to be easy on the eyes.

The homogeneity extended to the types of villains that our heroes battled – Chinese, Vietnamese, Russians of all sorts, Germans, etc. Basically any non-white ethnic group was subject to villainization at the hands of the comic story writers.

However – since the world is now becoming one big global village, (someone wipe the smirk off my face), we’ve been faced with the reality that when a villain comes on the scene that’s about to enact his plan of world domination, more than just the United States’ cadre of super heroes should be responsible for saving the world.

We’ve also had to deal with some interesting “what-ifs.” One of the most interesting plot twists is: “What if Kal-El’s rocket were launched from Krypton several minutes later than it was, and instead of being found in a Kansas cornfield by John and Martha Kent, he were found in the Ukranian wilderness by a group of collective farmers?” In this tale, young Clark Kent is not taught truth, justice, and the American way. Rather, he is taught the values of communism.

The story is set in three scenes, the first being in the early 1950’s, when things appear to be fairly in line with the “normal” universe. However, the Soviet Union’s secret weapon is revealed – Superman. Instead of a cold war of nuclear proportions, the cold war becomes one of Superheroes pitted against another. Superman appears to be fairly benevolent, helping out problems in his country, and making his world a better place. He meets Wonder Woman, who falls in love with him, and they form an alliance of sorts to rule the world. Lex Luthor becomes Superman’s nemesis in the Unites States, using his super genius to try to thwart Superman’s power, eventually making a clone of Superman called Bizarro.

We then fast forward to the 1970’s, where Superman’s influence has caused major shifts in the continuity of the timeline. The USSR has grown to include all known countries except for the Unites States, and Chile. Stories are told about how dissidents in Superman’s regime are lobotomized and reprogrammed into obedient servants of the republic. Superman sees this as bringing order and stability to his world. Batman becomes a terrorist rebel, leading a group of Batmen in an attempt to overthrow Superman’s regime. Eventually he is captured and killed.

The final part of this sordid tale is set in a super-powered showdown in the year 2000. Lex Luthor has taken over as president and ruler of the United States. He has secretly been building up a legion of super-powered beings as the United States’ last line of defense against Superman invading the country. He forms the Green Lantern Marine Corps, headed up by Colonel Hal Jordan. Superman eventually defeats all of Lex’s super heroes, and the battle shifts to the White House, where Lex finally confronts Superman with the fact that he’s done little more than exert control over people in the name of freedom, all the while removing the freedom he wants for them by controlling them. In a last act of defiance, Braniac, who was captured and reprogrammed by Superman back in the 1970’s, reveals that he was not truly under Superman’s control, and triggers a destruct mechanism in his ship, which would destroy the planet. Superman takes the ship into space, where it blows up. It is assumed that Superman dies in the explosion, finally redeeming himself.

Luthor’s scientific genius eventually brings about the utopia that Superman wanted. Eventually it is revealed that Superman didn’t die in the blast, and is still alive. Lex’s descendants become smarter and more powerful. After a couple thousand years, it is revealed that the Earth is being torn apart by tidal forces, and Jor-L, one of Luthor’s great-great-great grandchildren, launches a rocket back in time, intending to rescue humanity, but the rocket falls into the countryside in the Ukraine, in 1938, which triggers the events in the story all over again.

Somehow this story has drawn a lot of accolades, mostly due to the careful writing of Mark Millar. Careful attention was paid to making parallels of a lot of DC comic characters and plot devices which made realistic extrapolations as to how those elements would play out in this alternate universe. Most noted was the portrayal of Superman’s unwitting good guy gone bad.

If it isn’t already abundantly clear, I’m kind of “drawn,” (bad pun – I know), to these alternate universe stories, mostly because of the tired story lines I sometimes see in mainline comic writing. This one was an artfully done realistic alternate universe that was pulled off without being campy at all, which seems to be a fairly common theme in alternate universe stories.

I’m usually not the sort to make predictions or prognostications. I’ve neither the acumen nor the inclination to try to figure out any sort of “grand plan”, at least as far as technology is concerned. However, I’ve been known to comment on the obvious trend now and again. One such trend that I see is one in which some level of connectivity to the Internet is expected, no matter where one is geographically.

It’s a rare occasion that I’m left without connectivity of some sort. I’m one of those types that checks email religiously, even while on vacation. I’ve been known to sit outside the local library with my laptop, searching for the best position to sit so I can get a signal from their publicly available wireless internet connection. I’ve come to expect that I’ll have connectivity anywhere, at any time. In fact, I get a bit stressed when I know I’ll not be “connected”.

For this discussion, we will consider two types of network communications: wired, meaning you must be physically near enough to the access point to connect some sort of cable between it and your computing device, and wireless, meaning no wire is required, just a reasonable physical proximity to the access point, which varies depending on the location of the access point, speed of the connection, etc. Since ubiquitous by definition would preclude any sort of “wired” , the balance of this monologue will address the wireless type of connectivity. First, let’s go over the most common forms of wireless:

CDPD (Cellular Data Packet Delivery). An older data network used over cellular networks. Mostly defunct now, due to slow speeds, cost, and eventual availability of newer, faster, cheaper alternatives.

GPRS (General Packet Radio Service). Data specification for current cellular networks (GSM). This is the data network that currently provides data service (internet/web/etc) for US cellular phone users.

802.11 (WiFi). This is a set of standards developed by the IEEE, (nerdy types), that enable a standard way of doing wireless communications. This is the typical wireless connection that is available at public hot spots such as at coffee shops, restaurants, and airports. 802.11b, introduced in 1999, provides up to 11Mpbs data rate, and a range of 35 meters indoors. 802.11g, released in 2003, ups the data rate to 54Mbps, at the same range. 802.11n, due to be out in 2009, will extend both the data rate and the distance, (75Mbps and 70 meters respectively.)

Both CDPD and GPRS are true mobile services, meaning that they have increased range and can be used while actually in motion. They also have a significant installed base of access points, (towers), that make this a very viable candidate for ubiquitous access. Unfortunately there isn’t any real way for the public to do this grassroots style, since private companies own the network.

Wifi is the most viable candidate for ubiquitous stationary wireless access. With new standards coming up, range can be increased, and these access points can be installed cheaply and in a fairly widespread area. Once enough hotspots are active, one could conceivably move from spot to spot within the coverage range, and connect right up.

So if I’m waxing prophetic, I’d wager a good deal of my kids’ college fund on the fact that within five years, wireless connectivity will become so widespread that it will be the norm, not the exception. Here are my reasons for being so sure of this:

Cellular phones are cheap and feature rich. If you consider that the two most used applications on cell phones now are voice and chat, you will find an interesting parallel with early uses of computers for multiuser functions.
Most laptop computers today come with built in WiFi cards. Price and demand have made this happen.
Businesses already provide free Wifi as a “perk” of doing business with them. I can sit at any Starbucks, Panera Bread, or McDonalds and check email, look for directions, or buy shoes on eBay.
Remember how bad cell phone coverage used to be? Dead spots? We’ve become so used to good mobile phone service that dead spots are the exception.

These alone are not direct proof that what I predict is actually happening, but they’re sure darned good indicators. Customer demand in a consumer based economy is a powerful force. All you really have to do is convince the majority that they can’t live without something, and you’ve won. Mobile devices, and the networks that support them will continue to evolve. This means more capable mobile computers, (read small, light, and powerful), and better wireless networks, (read cheap and fast.) Combine the two and you have the technical capability, and are just left with the development of the wireless network.

Mobile service providers AT&T, Alltel, etc. have already stepped up to the plate to provide high bandwidth Internet service. What needs to happen now is an increase in bandwidth and decrease in cost. As users are added, this will happen as a normal matter of course. Will cost ever be so low it’s virtually free? Maybe.

Initiatives to provide a publicly available, free WiFi network are in progress. The Municipal Wifi is one such example. Many cities want to use WiFi to provide public access for police, fire, ambulance, and utility use, and are making a portion of their networks available to the public for free. There are several grassroots organizations that provide free wireless routers to the public as long as they will allow their “hotspot” to remain open to the public, and will allow the organization to provide their location on a map of available hotspots. All that’s left is time, money, and inclination before WiFi coverage is as wide spread as cellular phone coverage. In fact, some mobile phone providers are trying to wrap their money grubbin’ hands around the WiFi market, and are providing widespread WiFi access for a fee. So when my Internet Service Provider, (AT&T), offered me a roaming WiFi subscription for $1.99 a month, I giggled with glee. I can now connect at most any airport, McDonalds, and many other public hot spots that aren’t free for the average Joe, but are now included in my basic service.

Most likely, the end solution will be some amalgam of both types of services. There are already phones on the market with WiFi built in, that take advantage of WiFi access when it’s available, which wouldn’t cost the user, and will use GPRS when WiFi isn’t available, which costs. Of course, for the open source hippie wanna-be in me, I’d like for WiFi to win the day, since it’s public and free…

Fill in the blank:

Red, white, and ______.

Beans and _______.

Bacon, lettuce, and _______.

Some combinations make sense. I know of a few that don’t. Cream cheese, mayonnaise, and olive sandwiches just don’t make sense. Pickles and ice cream don’t make sense. A computer nerd that doesn’t have a BlackBerry, Wii, and a DVR doesn’t make sense. So paint me plaid and call me weird – I’m the one.

I confess that I’m somewhat of a Luddite. I drive a car that’s almost as old as me. I don’t play games on my PC. My favorite video game,(Super Contra), is on the Super Nintendo I bought at a garage sale 5 years ago. Most of my computer equipment is second hand – I had never bought a new computer until last year. My home theater system is a 27” TV hooked up to a stereo I received last year via a local FreeCycle group. I didn’t have an MP3 player until a couple of months ago and no, it’s not an iPod. My cell phone is one without an MP3 player, camera, PDA, and all of those other useless gadgets. I’ve even set its ringtone to sound like an old rotary phone. I don’t have cable TV, haven’t ever had it on a permanent basis. (I used free trial subscriptions for a few months in college.) I don’t record any shows on my non-existent DVR. I don’t even record stuff on my VCR, (yes, it’s VHS, and not BETA-I’m not that much of a technophobe.)

Part of the reason for most of my lack of gadgets is that I’m cheap. But there’s also something else. Most of the technological junk that some folks litter their lives with is needlessly complicated. Sure, it’s great to be able to “pause” live TV so you can answer the phone, or the door, or execute a bio-break. But is it worth the cost in dollars and the added layer of complexity in my life just to have something that’s functionally of little use? Sure, I like some PC games, but do I want to spend more money keeping my PC capable of running the most recent games than I do on my car payment?

I’m an old-school computer geek. I don’t really like either Windows or Mac. Give me a Linux workstation and I’m in heaven. There’s something about being able to rewrite the operating system myself that is empowering. I like to code my HTML by hand. When someone points out some pretty little nerd-knob or widget on a web page, I know the exact commands required to code it, not just a program that I can use to design it that does the coding for me.

I agree with my hot rod car buddies who look with a bit of disdain at the younger generation of import-driving, big-ass-trunk-wing-toting, crappy-ground-effects-kit- installing car folks, who we affectionately call “tuners.” Whose idea of hot rodding a car is installing a fresh air intake and a fart pipe muffler, and installing purple neon lights on the underside of their cars. I’ve replaced and/or repaired almost every major system in my car- a 1974 Dodge Dart “Swinger.” That’s Swingerrrrr. Yeah baby!!! I know why it smells the way it does, why it shakes at a certain RPM, etc.

Isaac Asimov wrote in the Foundation series about the decline of a galactic society. One of the harbingers of doom for this empire was that there were signs of the decay of technology. Technology had advanced sufficiently that the average person knew zip about how it worked, and even the folks who managed the technology didn’t know any more about it, other than how to push buttons and twist levers. Innovation had crawled to a standstill, and the engineering skills to develop new technology and really understand how the technology worked had long been lost. Thus most of the technology was in disrepair and failing In essence, the functions that the technology provided were also failing. Eventually, the galactic empire fell, and lapsed into a period of barbarism. Those few that did understand technology were considered to be wizards, and eventually, a very controlled infrastructure of priests and practicians was established to help manage the technology.

I see something similar in the technology field today. There are a lot of folks who “repair” and even construct computers without knowing a lot about how the components really work. There are folks who write programs with some fairly complicated tools that don’t really even have to write any code at all. There are folks who manage computer networks that couldn’t spell TCPIP, much less know how it works. We’re becoming a workforce of technicians, those who operate equipment and technology, rather than a society of engineers, those who design and develop it. Why is this happening? There are a number of contributing factors, which time and space prevent me from going into. But my personal reasons for not embracing every shiny, new, and sparkly gadget that comes into existence, is mostly that I don’t like too many layers of abstraction between me and the actual functioning of the technology. With each added layer of technology between me and the task at hand, whether it’s producing music for my ears to hear, producing kinetic energy from the controlled explosions that drive pistons, gears, and wheels, an additional layer of complexity and cost is introduced, usually at little benefit to me, the end user. And little by little, my ability to understand the system as a whole is diminished.

Most of the technology I mentioned above does really very little to add productivity and/or enjoyment to my life. For example, my requirements for television are basically news, and Heroes. I don’t need cable for that. Sure, it’d be neat to be able to watch all of those old Ren and Stimpy episodes, but do I really need five different 24-7 news channels? It’d be great to be able to record those shows I miss – except for that I only have one I really am interested in enough to give attention to, and I devote time to watching it, and if I simply can’t see it when it’s aired, I watch it online the next day.

Most of my technology is based on some real objective. I have a PC at home to do email, and basic office related tasks. I have an MP3 player that I use while mowing the lawn, working out, and on trips. Other than that, it stays in the drawer.

I’m a nerd’s nerd. Nerdy even to nerds, because I’m not nerdy enough… Sigh…

In a nondescript coffee house somewhere in the Midwest, we see the Dude and Amdnarg Toh conducting a brainstorm of comic book nerdiness…

TD: So – I was thinking the other day about who would be the most villainous villain…

For me I would have to say the Joker. You might immediately think of Magneto, Luthor, or some god-like character. My problem with “bad” guys of Magneto’s type is that it is all relative to your perspective. Luthor and his ilk are too purposefully driven for me, and Gods are Gods. So I am left with the Joker- a super insane sociopath with no real motivation, such as land or power, driving him to cause destruction. He just loves killing and causing mayhem for the fun of it. Add that to the fact that he is a genius with immense knowledge of chemistry, and you have a lethal combination.

AT: I agree. A villain who is either immortal or all-powerful doesn’t hold my interest. But my vote goes to Parallax. It’s hard to get any more bad-ass than being the actual embodiment of fear, and being able to inhabit the body of another and then use their power to do your bidding. That’s “bring me my brown pants” kind of scary. There’s a primal fear that can’t be entirely dismissed by rationalizing it away when the possibility that your body could be inhabited by another being, especially if you’re conscious somehow while it happens. The hammer came down for the Guardians of the Universe, the monk-ish order of beings who created the Green Lantern corps. When Parallax seduced and then made Hal Jordan go mad after the destruction of Coast City, his home base, he basically wiped out the whole green Lantern corps, the Guardians, and the main power battery on OA itself. But the whole “good guy switching to bad” theme kind of takes some of the bite away from the Hal Jordan/Parallax amalgam villain thing, so I’m torn.

Speaking of good guys switching sides, who do think would make the best good guy gone bad?

TD: I would have to go off my gut reaction here of Hulk. He would be like Luthor on roids. He would have all that scientific genius, as Banner, to carry out his plots. If the good guys came along, though, he could change into the Hulk, and you know how that goes. “Hulk smash.” I never really thought about it until now, but Hulk, as he is, really is just a rip off of the Jeckyll and Hyde character.

AT: Yeah – I actually like the Elseworlds story “Red Son.” The basic premise is: What if Kal-El, (Superman), was launched from Krypton a few minutes later and his rocket ship crash landed in the Ukraine instead of in a Kansas farmland? A communist Superman? This story explores the possibility of what might happen if Superman tried to shape the world into the diametric opposite of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way.” The way they changed his chest symbol from the “S” to the Sickle and Hammer just reminds me of the movie Red Dawn… But bad guys gone good – I’m not sure… Whaddyathink?

TD: “Wolverinessssssssssssss!” Seriously, what would be your All-star JLA line up?

AT: I’d have to go with:

Superman – a shoe-in
Batman – dark foil for the “goody two shoes” heroes
Firestorm – young hothead with a professor’s consciousness stuck in his head
Green Lantern – personal favorite
WonderWoman – so call me a misogynist
Bloodwynd – you always need a guy who can summon the dead
Martian Manhunter – I like green guys

Ones definitely NOT in:

Hawkman
Red Tornado
Plasticman
Aquaman
Blue Beetle
Booster Gold

What about you – You got an X-Men MVP team?

TD: I’d say:

Wolverine – personal fave, and a given
Magneto – a god among mutants
Jean Gray – ditto previous, and who needs a cripple in a wheel chair with her around?
Iceman – they are just starting to show how powerful he should be
Spiderman – I need a scientist. If he can replace Mr. Fantastic he can out The Beast
Iron Man – Money, and cool toys
Nightcrawler – get me out of here guy

Sixth (wo)man:
Rogue – copy others’ power

No way:

Cyclops – pussy
Beast – I don’t need any one going feral on me.
Jubilee – personal dislike
Daredevil
Union Jack
Nick Fury

AT: Pretty good t-ball team there – sport… But I’d bet my JLA could kick your X-Men’s ass!!!

TD: SHINK! Nuff said.

AT: Whatever – Wolverine’s just a bad boy with a hormone problem.

TD: Exactly! You make my point for me.

AT: I’ll take you down “dude”!!!!!

TD: I’ll “Toh” your “Amdnarg”!!!

Amid the girly screams and cries of “I’m a bleeder”, we leave our esteemed comic-fellows to their sad, sad little tete-a-tete…

AT: Yoga flame!!!

TD: I know genosha jit-su!!!

Until next time, dear readers.

No superhero team ever conceived has gone through as many iterations as the Avengers. The membership of this oft-forgotten group of “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes,” has been more fluid than a Spring day in Seattle. Its initial stable included Thor, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, Ant-Man, and the Wasp. It seems that the old adage applied to them, and the only thing that remained constant with this team was change. However, there has been enough consistency in the core group of heroes to keep the story from becoming more than just random groupings of heroes by the same name. Some interesting team dynamics ended up making this “gaggle of gallantry” a quite intriguing group to follow.

Ant-Man, scientist Henry Pym, is in an ever-fluctuating identity crisis. He’s Ant-Man one issue, Giant Man the next, then Goliath, and finally YellowJacket. His identity crisis seemingly comes from a deep-seated inferiority complex, which is seen in several stories through the years, resulting in an eventual nervous breakdown. His on-again, off-again relationship with the Wasp eventually resulted in their marriage, which didn’t last due to his mental instability.

The Hulk almost immediately left the group, realizing that the others didn’t think he was cut out for teamwork, given his wild personality and mood swings.

One of the most important events in Avengers history came with the reintroduction of Captain America, who was found frozen floating in the North Atlantic, was revived, and almost immediately became the leader of this band of heroes, and also its most stable member.

Several reformed villains came into the Avengers fold for a time- Hawkeye, an uber-archer, and the Scarlet Witch along with her brother Quicksilver, both the long lost children of X-Men bad guy Magneto.

With the inclusion of the Vision, an artificial life form created by the robot Ultron, (who was himself created by Henry Pym), we have the makings of a nice love story. After becoming a part of the team, he fell in love with the Scarlet Witch, another former villain who had joined the team some time earlier. Their romance, marriage, and eventual copulation and conception of children became its own story line.

The Avengers also went through their own “blaxploitation” phase in the 70’s, adding characters such as the Black Panther and the Falcon. However, the writers actually addressed the affirmative action issue within the comics themselves, with the Falcon actually being aware of his inclusion into the group because of his race, and finally resigned after realizing he was the “token” of the group.

There are more – many more – heroes that have graced the halls of the Avengers mansion in New York, a sweet, swingin’ hero pad funded by Tony Stark, the alter ego of Iron Man. And not only did the group eventually encompass almost every known hero, there were spinoff groups such as the West Coast Avengers, Force Works, and the Young Avengers.

Rather than making major character shifts, and having to re-invent specific characters as writers have difficulty coming up with new material, they simply shifted the membership of the team around to include some new lesser-known character, repentant villain, etc. It allowed fans to have character consistency without the complications of a stale storyline. All in all, Avengers stories seem to hold the interest of the fan base, without any plot revamping, or time loops, or any other lame plot devices used to recreate characters to give them fresh identities and story fodder.