Issue 52:
Escaping Life
By
Rascal Stallion
The Happening
Another M. Night
Movie makes us wonder if
He just stole Sixth Sense
The Incredible Hulk
Fooled once, shame on me
Fooled twice, shame on, uh, fool me
Won’t get fooled again
The Love Guru
Myers talks funny
His character is wacky
Seen it all before
Get Smart
Remaking old shows
Rarely good idea. Bet they
Missed it by that much
Wanted
Lots of bullets fly
Ridiculous action scenes
Hope its dark as comic
Wall-E
Can robot find love
In this great big universe?
Hope he’s got some lube.
Hancock
Will Smith hero flick
Can’t do this all on his own
He’s no Superman
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Was the first Hellboy
Good enough to warrant a
Second installment?
Journey to the Center of the Earth
3-D makes films fun
Every film should be 3-D
Except Crying Game
Meet Dave
Has it really been
20 years since Eddie made
A funny movie?
The Dark Knight
Return to Gotham
Joker ain’t the only fool
To make this awesome
Mamma Mia!
Girl with slutty mom
Doesn’t know who daddy is
This just in: Who cares?
Step Brothers
Lets hope Ferrell tried
A little harder this time
Than in Semi-Pro
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Wait just a second
Is there anyone out there
That still cares about this?
American Teen
This looks pretty good
But who wants to relive the
The awkward teen years
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Another mummy?
Rachel Weisz wisely jumped ship
We should do the same
The Rocker
This looks funny but
Can Rainn carry a movie?
My guess is he can.
Swing Vote
Are we to believe
Diebold would let this guy choose
Who gets elected?
The Midnight Meat Train
This wins for the worst
titled film until Bangcock
Dangerous comes out
Pineapple Express
Stoner movies aren’t
Usually good seen straight but
This could be funny
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
There’s no way these girls
Can still fit after gaining
The freshman fifteen
Tropic Thunder
Downey Jr. rules
But can he stay afloat with
Stiller and Jack Black
Star Wars; The Clone Wars
Lucas craps out more
Star Wars and I have no choice
but to go see it
Issue 51:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Terminator |
|
Name: Shredder |
| Occupation: terminating |
vs. |
Occupation: Ninjutsu master |
| Origin: The Terminator |
|
Origin: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles |
Shredder towered over his kneeling students as he paced before them. His master class had progressed quite well and these, his brightest students, were ready for their final exam. The commuter traffic in the city square was sparse for a Monday morning but Shredder was confident a suitable challenge would present itself.
He thought he had an ideal target when an armored car pulled up to the bank two blocks down. However, just as he was about to send his students out something much better caught his eye and he stayed his hand. He couldn’t believe his luck when a real Cyberdyne Systems T-800 passed by across the street.
After a command from Shredder, the five students destined to be the future of the Foot Clan charged towards the Terminator. They were stealthy enough to avoid early detection and the Terminator failed to observe them until they were ten meters away. Fortunately, there was still plenty of time for him to turn and grab the first two that approached. Their necks snapped before they even realized they were in his grasp.
The remaining three students stabbed him with their steely knives but their blades had little effect on the Terminator’s metallic chassis. They darted about quickly but one got too close and found his head in the grasp of the T-800. The Terminator used this ninja as a weapon and swung his body violently into the others. The trauma separated the ninja’s head from his body but not before knocking the other two down. Momentarily stunned, they were still lying down as the Terminator’s foot stomped through their chests, crushing several organs they were counting on for continued life.
This threat neutralized, the Terminator assessed the origin of his assailants and steadily approached the ninja master. The Shedder was a bit nervous but he relished the opportunity to test himself against such a formidable adversary. Besides, it was going to be a real pain in the ass to train new students and the Terminator might as well pay for this inconvenience.
Analyzing his approach, the Shredder formulated his attack plan, thinking several moves ahead. He was really going to enjoy this. With the Terminator bearing down, he pulled his sword from its sheath and cracked his neck.
The Terminator analyzed his opponent and easily determined the most efficient method of dispatching him. He pulled the M1014 Benelli shotgun from the strap on his back and as the Shredder drew back to swing his sword he unloaded a series of twelve-gauge shells into the ninjutsu master.
At this range, the Shredder’s armor was far from adequate and his torso was soon riddled with holes. He lay dead on the ground and the Terminator turned to leave, now free to resume his business.
Back to tournament bracket
Issue 50:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Norman Osborne aka Green Goblin |
|
Name: Loki Laufeyjarson |
| Occupation: Industrialist |
vs. |
Occupation: Norse God (God status is disputed) of Mischief |
| Origin: Spider Man comic books |
|
Origin: Norse Mythology |
Green Goblin was driving down the street when he spotted Loki enjoying a chicken salad sandwich and some ice tea at a trendy outdoor café. His heart leapt with joy as this was just the opportunity for revenge he’d been looking for since the fiasco at the after-party at last year’s Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards.
Goblin felt like he had really been getting somewhere with Hayden Panettiere when Loki totally cock blocked him. The Norse god of mischief got him with the old “how’s your Chlamydia” trick and by the time he recovered Hayden was gone. Loki slipped away and Goblin vowed that day that if he ever saw him again he would make him pay.
The Green Goblin snuck into the kitchen and prepared a tasty hot fudge and anthrax sundae. Then he found the waiter and paid him $100 to deliver it under the guise of being a special treat for such a prestigious patron of the restaurant. Goblin hid behind some other diners and excitedly waited for Loki to become infected. Soon his revenge would be complete.
Unfortunately, that revenge would have to wait. Loki ate half the sundae and then looked Goblin right in the eye. “Don’t you know I’m immune to infection, you pitiful mortal?” He picked up the remainder of the sundae and lobbed it across the patio at him. Goblin dodged the ice-cream but that put him right in the path of the lightning bolt that followed.
The electricity stunned the Goblin and caused a short in his suit. He regained his composure just in time to dodge the second barrage of bolts that followed. Goblin turned and fled, darting this way and that to evade the series of attacks Loki was sending his way.
Goblin darted into the adjacent alley with Loki a few steps behind him in hot pursuit. Loki turned the corner, prepared to launch another series of attacks when he saw something that stopped him cold: The Destroyer Armor. This armor was an enchanted suit forged by Odin himself and possessed near limitless power. There was no question that Loki feared this armor and his nemesis the Green Goblin had just finished donning it.
Empowered by the armor, the tide of the battle turned sharply. Loki realized it was the Goblin’s plan all along to lure him into this alley and he, the trickster, had himself been tricked. Green Goblin began sending blast after blast of heat and electromagnetism at Loki as he retreated. Loki was mostly successful in his evasions but a few shots eventually found their target and he was sent sprawling into the street.
In the moments it took Loki to regain his composure the Green Goblin zeroed in on him and unleashed a disintegration beam from the visor of the armor. The beam struck Loki and squarely accomplished just what its name implies. Loki was immediately turned to a fine dust that was quickly scattered by the gentle breeze of the afternoon.
Back to tournament bracket
Issue 49:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Ivan Drago |
|
Name: Erik Magnus Lehnsherr aka Magneto |
| Occupation: Boxer |
vs. |
Occupation: Mutant |
| Origin: Rocky IV |
|
Origin: X-Men |
“I’m better”
“Nuh uh, I’m better.”
Ivan Drago and Magneto glared at one another with jaws clenched and eyes full of hatred. The two men were firmly entrenched in a verbal battle of which one of them was superior to the other and neither was ready to yield. Eventually, as these things usually do, the verbal battle escalated into one of physical proportions.
“I am in top physical condition,” yelled Drago. He gave Magneto a shove to emphasize his point.
“Your species’ top physical potential is still beneath me, you swine,” retorted Magneto before giving a shove of his own.
“I have been given every physical advantage science and technology have to offer! Whatever I hit, I destroy!” This statement was accompanied by a very forceful shove that sent Magneto sprawling.
Magneto picked himself up with as much grace as he could muster and replied “And that is what makes you humans so pathetic. Even at your very best you still pale in comparison to those of us who have taken the next step in evolution. It’s a lesson I’m afraid you’re going to find most painful.” Magneto raised himself up in the air until he floated several feet above the Russian.
Drago opened his mouth to speak but was cut short by the mutant. Magneto used his power to pull the fillings free from Drago’s teeth and brought them hurtling through his lips into the adjacent wall.
Drago howled in pain and spat out the blood that was gushing from his mouth. He fought through the pain and unleashed a barbaric left-right combo that started at Magneto’s groin and finished at his knee. Magneto’s plummeting confidence coincided directly with his ruptured testicle and shattered femur.
Magneto struggled to concentrate through the excruciating pain but managed to fend off the Russian’s next attack with a magnetic burst that sent him sprawling. Despite wave after wave of force keeping him at bay, Drago’s attack was unrelenting. The ensuing time gave Magneto the moments he needed to unleash his next attack.
With a horrible rumbling, the walls began to shake until the air conditioning vent vomited forth a gnarled mass of metal that had formerly been the air duct. In mid-flight the metal re-shaped itself into a long blade that found its way cleanly through Drago’s thighs.
Ivan dropped to the ground and slipped around in the pool of blood that was quickly forming about him. Fear shown in his eyes, but not for long because moments later the air duct blade severed through the thick muscles of his neck and neatly severed his head.
The Russian was dead but Magneto would carry the wounds of this battle around with him for a very long time.
Back to tournament bracket
Issue 48:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Joker |
|
Name: Darth Vader |
| Occupation: Criminal |
vs. |
Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith |
| Origin: Batman comic books |
|
Origin: Star Wars |
Darth Vader was grumpy. He was four hours into a ten-hour road trip and, thanks to Imperial cutbacks, he was forced to take the Greyhound. Vader’s legs ached as the seats were not made for someone of his size and a baby two rows back had been crying for the last four counties.
Seeking a reprieve of any kind, Vader pulled his iPod out of his pack. The Evil Genius Orchestra had soothed his anxiety so many times before and he hoped it would happen once more. However, when he inserted his earbuds he felt the strangest sensation. The first thing he noticed was his ears felt wet. Almost immediately he detected a warmth in his ears. The warmth quickly accelerated into a full fledged raging burning pain.
Vader was confused, but only momentarily. From behind him he heard the cackling laughter of the Joker! “What’s going on, Darth? Are you listening to some HOT tunes?”
Vader turned in a rage and grabbed the Joker by the throat. “What have you done to me?”
Even as he asked the question, Vader realized he didn’t care. All he cared about now was revenge. He used the force to pull his lightsaber from his pack and activated it. Simultaneously, the Joker blew a fine white powder towards him. It infiltrated his breath filter and instantly made him feel funny. Vader’s senses were dulled and he was quite sure he was stoned.
Darth clumsily swung his lightsaber and missed, which was especially astonishing given the confined quarters of the bus. The sight of the blade sent the other passengers into a panic and they frantically climbed over one another and the rows of seats to get clear of the melee.
The Joker struck again, this time with a high-voltage hand buzzer. He slapped it into Vader’s chest and sent his life support machinery into mayhem. The Joker readied another attack but Darth lay prone. He harkened back to his force training and allowed himself to relax and focus.
The Joker advanced to attack again, but this time Darth was ready. He unleashed a force crush on the Joker’s throat that was so ferocious that his head was violently and forcefully removed from his neck. Blood erupted from the gaping hole like a crimson Old Faithful.
By now the driver had stopped the bus and pulled off to the side of the road. “All right, you two!” he bellowed. “No roughhousing on the bus. You’re out of here.”
Vader grabbed his pack and slunk off the bus. He watched with disappointment as the bus drove away without him. With grim resolve he turned to the road and extended his thumb. The journey must continue.
Back to tournament bracket
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