The Happening
Another M. Night
Movie makes us wonder if
He just stole Sixth Sense

The Incredible Hulk
Fooled once, shame on me
Fooled twice, shame on, uh, fool me
Won’t get fooled again

The Love Guru
Myers talks funny
His character is wacky
Seen it all before

Get Smart
Remaking old shows
Rarely good idea. Bet they
Missed it by that much

Wanted
Lots of bullets fly
Ridiculous action scenes
Hope its dark as comic

Wall-E
Can robot find love
In this great big universe?
Hope he’s got some lube.

Hancock
Will Smith hero flick
Can’t do this all on his own
He’s no Superman

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Was the first Hellboy
Good enough to warrant a
Second installment?

Journey to the Center of the Earth
3-D makes films fun
Every film should be 3-D
Except Crying Game

Meet Dave
Has it really been
20 years since Eddie made
A funny movie?

The Dark Knight
Return to Gotham
Joker ain’t the only fool
To make this awesome

Mamma Mia!
Girl with slutty mom
Doesn’t know who daddy is
This just in: Who cares?

Step Brothers
Lets hope Ferrell tried
A little harder this time
Than in Semi-Pro

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Wait just a second
Is there anyone out there
That still cares about this?

American Teen
This looks pretty good
But who wants to relive the
The awkward teen years

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Another mummy?
Rachel Weisz wisely jumped ship
We should do the same

The Rocker
This looks funny but
Can Rainn carry a movie?
My guess is he can.

Swing Vote
Are we to believe
Diebold would let this guy choose
Who gets elected?

The Midnight Meat Train
This wins for the worst
titled film until Bangcock
Dangerous comes out

Pineapple Express
Stoner movies aren’t
Usually good seen straight but
This could be funny

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
There’s no way these girls
Can still fit after gaining
The freshman fifteen

Tropic Thunder
Downey Jr. rules
But can he stay afloat with
Stiller and Jack Black

Star Wars; The Clone Wars
Lucas craps out more
Star Wars and I have no choice
but to go see it

Shredder towered over his kneeling students as he paced before them. His master class had progressed quite well and these, his brightest students, were ready for their final exam. The commuter traffic in the city square was sparse for a Monday morning but Shredder was confident a suitable challenge would present itself.

He thought he had an ideal target when an armored car pulled up to the bank two blocks down. However, just as he was about to send his students out something much better caught his eye and he stayed his hand. He couldn’t believe his luck when a real Cyberdyne Systems T-800 passed by across the street.

After a command from Shredder, the five students destined to be the future of the Foot Clan charged towards the Terminator. They were stealthy enough to avoid early detection and the Terminator failed to observe them until they were ten meters away. Fortunately, there was still plenty of time for him to turn and grab the first two that approached. Their necks snapped before they even realized they were in his grasp.

The remaining three students stabbed him with their steely knives but their blades had little effect on the Terminator’s metallic chassis. They darted about quickly but one got too close and found his head in the grasp of the T-800. The Terminator used this ninja as a weapon and swung his body violently into the others. The trauma separated the ninja’s head from his body but not before knocking the other two down. Momentarily stunned, they were still lying down as the Terminator’s foot stomped through their chests, crushing several organs they were counting on for continued life.

This threat neutralized, the Terminator assessed the origin of his assailants and steadily approached the ninja master. The Shedder was a bit nervous but he relished the opportunity to test himself against such a formidable adversary. Besides, it was going to be a real pain in the ass to train new students and the Terminator might as well pay for this inconvenience.

Analyzing his approach, the Shredder formulated his attack plan, thinking several moves ahead. He was really going to enjoy this. With the Terminator bearing down, he pulled his sword from its sheath and cracked his neck.

The Terminator analyzed his opponent and easily determined the most efficient method of dispatching him. He pulled the M1014 Benelli shotgun from the strap on his back and as the Shredder drew back to swing his sword he unloaded a series of twelve-gauge shells into the ninjutsu master.

At this range, the Shredder’s armor was far from adequate and his torso was soon riddled with holes. He lay dead on the ground and the Terminator turned to leave, now free to resume his business.

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Green Goblin was driving down the street when he spotted Loki enjoying a chicken salad sandwich and some ice tea at a trendy outdoor café. His heart leapt with joy as this was just the opportunity for revenge he’d been looking for since the fiasco at the after-party at last year’s Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards.

Goblin felt like he had really been getting somewhere with Hayden Panettiere when Loki totally cock blocked him. The Norse god of mischief got him with the old “how’s your Chlamydia” trick and by the time he recovered Hayden was gone. Loki slipped away and Goblin vowed that day that if he ever saw him again he would make him pay.

The Green Goblin snuck into the kitchen and prepared a tasty hot fudge and anthrax sundae. Then he found the waiter and paid him $100 to deliver it under the guise of being a special treat for such a prestigious patron of the restaurant. Goblin hid behind some other diners and excitedly waited for Loki to become infected. Soon his revenge would be complete.

Unfortunately, that revenge would have to wait. Loki ate half the sundae and then looked Goblin right in the eye. “Don’t you know I’m immune to infection, you pitiful mortal?” He picked up the remainder of the sundae and lobbed it across the patio at him. Goblin dodged the ice-cream but that put him right in the path of the lightning bolt that followed.

The electricity stunned the Goblin and caused a short in his suit. He regained his composure just in time to dodge the second barrage of bolts that followed. Goblin turned and fled, darting this way and that to evade the series of attacks Loki was sending his way.

Goblin darted into the adjacent alley with Loki a few steps behind him in hot pursuit. Loki turned the corner, prepared to launch another series of attacks when he saw something that stopped him cold: The Destroyer Armor. This armor was an enchanted suit forged by Odin himself and possessed near limitless power. There was no question that Loki feared this armor and his nemesis the Green Goblin had just finished donning it.

Empowered by the armor, the tide of the battle turned sharply. Loki realized it was the Goblin’s plan all along to lure him into this alley and he, the trickster, had himself been tricked. Green Goblin began sending blast after blast of heat and electromagnetism at Loki as he retreated. Loki was mostly successful in his evasions but a few shots eventually found their target and he was sent sprawling into the street.

In the moments it took Loki to regain his composure the Green Goblin zeroed in on him and unleashed a disintegration beam from the visor of the armor. The beam struck Loki and squarely accomplished just what its name implies. Loki was immediately turned to a fine dust that was quickly scattered by the gentle breeze of the afternoon.

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“I’m better”

“Nuh uh, I’m better.”

Ivan Drago and Magneto glared at one another with jaws clenched and eyes full of hatred. The two men were firmly entrenched in a verbal battle of which one of them was superior to the other and neither was ready to yield. Eventually, as these things usually do, the verbal battle escalated into one of physical proportions.

“I am in top physical condition,” yelled Drago. He gave Magneto a shove to emphasize his point.

“Your species’ top physical potential is still beneath me, you swine,” retorted Magneto before giving a shove of his own.

“I have been given every physical advantage science and technology have to offer! Whatever I hit, I destroy!” This statement was accompanied by a very forceful shove that sent Magneto sprawling.

Magneto picked himself up with as much grace as he could muster and replied “And that is what makes you humans so pathetic. Even at your very best you still pale in comparison to those of us who have taken the next step in evolution. It’s a lesson I’m afraid you’re going to find most painful.” Magneto raised himself up in the air until he floated several feet above the Russian.

Drago opened his mouth to speak but was cut short by the mutant. Magneto used his power to pull the fillings free from Drago’s teeth and brought them hurtling through his lips into the adjacent wall.

Drago howled in pain and spat out the blood that was gushing from his mouth. He fought through the pain and unleashed a barbaric left-right combo that started at Magneto’s groin and finished at his knee. Magneto’s plummeting confidence coincided directly with his ruptured testicle and shattered femur.

Magneto struggled to concentrate through the excruciating pain but managed to fend off the Russian’s next attack with a magnetic burst that sent him sprawling. Despite wave after wave of force keeping him at bay, Drago’s attack was unrelenting. The ensuing time gave Magneto the moments he needed to unleash his next attack.

With a horrible rumbling, the walls began to shake until the air conditioning vent vomited forth a gnarled mass of metal that had formerly been the air duct. In mid-flight the metal re-shaped itself into a long blade that found its way cleanly through Drago’s thighs.

Ivan dropped to the ground and slipped around in the pool of blood that was quickly forming about him. Fear shown in his eyes, but not for long because moments later the air duct blade severed through the thick muscles of his neck and neatly severed his head.

The Russian was dead but Magneto would carry the wounds of this battle around with him for a very long time.

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Darth Vader was grumpy. He was four hours into a ten-hour road trip and, thanks to Imperial cutbacks, he was forced to take the Greyhound. Vader’s legs ached as the seats were not made for someone of his size and a baby two rows back had been crying for the last four counties.

Seeking a reprieve of any kind, Vader pulled his iPod out of his pack. The Evil Genius Orchestra had soothed his anxiety so many times before and he hoped it would happen once more. However, when he inserted his earbuds he felt the strangest sensation. The first thing he noticed was his ears felt wet. Almost immediately he detected a warmth in his ears. The warmth quickly accelerated into a full fledged raging burning pain.

Vader was confused, but only momentarily. From behind him he heard the cackling laughter of the Joker! “What’s going on, Darth? Are you listening to some HOT tunes?”

Vader turned in a rage and grabbed the Joker by the throat. “What have you done to me?”

Even as he asked the question, Vader realized he didn’t care. All he cared about now was revenge. He used the force to pull his lightsaber from his pack and activated it. Simultaneously, the Joker blew a fine white powder towards him. It infiltrated his breath filter and instantly made him feel funny. Vader’s senses were dulled and he was quite sure he was stoned.

Darth clumsily swung his lightsaber and missed, which was especially astonishing given the confined quarters of the bus. The sight of the blade sent the other passengers into a panic and they frantically climbed over one another and the rows of seats to get clear of the melee.

The Joker struck again, this time with a high-voltage hand buzzer. He slapped it into Vader’s chest and sent his life support machinery into mayhem. The Joker readied another attack but Darth lay prone. He harkened back to his force training and allowed himself to relax and focus.

The Joker advanced to attack again, but this time Darth was ready. He unleashed a force crush on the Joker’s throat that was so ferocious that his head was violently and forcefully removed from his neck. Blood erupted from the gaping hole like a crimson Old Faithful.

By now the driver had stopped the bus and pulled off to the side of the road. “All right, you two!” he bellowed. “No roughhousing on the bus. You’re out of here.”

Vader grabbed his pack and slunk off the bus. He watched with disappointment as the bus drove away without him. With grim resolve he turned to the road and extended his thumb. The journey must continue.

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Kim Jong Il was terribly excited. He had been a member of the Evil Bastard Club for quite a while but this would be his first meeting abroad. He was in England for some political junk when their local chapter had their monthly meeting. Since his dues were paid up he was allowed to attend their meeting in lieu of his regular South East Asia one.

It would be quite different for Kim Jong Il, though. He was used to being the top dog at his branch, especially since that bastard Pol Pot died 10 years ago. He was sure he was evil enough to fit in but he was a little worried they might not like him or respect his evilness.

Kim Jong Il walked into the meeting room and was a little dismayed to see he was the first one there. Still, he had nowhere else to go for a while so he just sat down in his usual seat. Still, it wasn’t too cool to be the first one there. He would rather be fashionably late. Just as he decided to go visit the water fountain to pass some time he heard the door open.

Lord Voldemort strode in and was appalled to see Il sitting in his seat, the coveted spot at the head of the evil table. “Who dares sit in the seat of Lord Voldemort?” bellowed Voldemort in an especially evil third person.

Kim Jong Il rose to his feet and Voldemort’s outrage doubled as he discovered it was a muggle who had trespassed in his seat. Without hesitation he aimed his wand at the diminutive dictator and cursed him. He cried out “aveda kedavra!” and a bright green flash erupted from the wand. The flash struck Il and killed him instantly. Then, as if nothing had happened, He who must not be named then turned to one of his assistants and asked that a replacement chair be brought in immediately.

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The worst thing about the subway was the smell. The second worst thing was all the filthy people. The third worst thing was all the panhandlers, although as Saruman thought about it, that third thing was really just an extension of the second one and probably didn’t merit being its own thing. At any rate, he was in an especially sour mood. That’s not to say he wasn’t always in a sour mood. It should be noted, however, that this mood was so sour that it was nasty compared with his average mood. Suffice it to say, he was not happy. His car was in the shop and he had no option but to use public transportation to return to his home in Newark.

Saruman pushed his way into the waiting subway car just as the doors were trying to close and was immediately jostled from behind by some lout trying to push his way on as well. He turned to give this ruffian a displeasing look and found himself eye to eye with an equally disgruntled Syndrome.

The two subtly pushed against one another for the next few minutes, each one trying to make a little more room for themselves. After two stops’ worth of riding, the subtlety disappeared and a full blown fight was on the verge of erupting.

The train slowed to its third stop and as the doors opened behind Syndrome, Saruman gave him a forceful whack with his staff that sent him sprawling out onto the waiting platform. With a satisfied smile the old wizard informed Syndrome he had best wait for the next train if he valued breathing.

Syndrome’s temper flared and he activated his utility gauntlets and seized Saruman with a burst of zero-point energy. He pulled Saruman towards him and held him in place as the doors attempted to shut on him. With another flick of his wrist he whipped Saruman fully out of the car and sent him flying headlong into a brick support pillar. The pillar cracked upon impact, as did Saruman’s skull.

Saruman lifted himself from the ground and used his booming voice to command several citizens to attack Syndrome. He then lifted his staff and unleashed a bolt of valar at him. Syndrome used his aero-boots to evade the people, who were then incinerated by the valar bolt.

Syndrome captured Saruman in another wave of zero-point energy and flung him towards the tracks. Once positioned above the empty tracks, Syndrome violently raised Saruman towards the ceiling. He struck with such force he went through the roof up to his shoulders. Saruman was in terrible pain but he yet lived. This was soon to be not the case.

Hopefully Saruman didn’t have anything terribly important he wished to accomplish while still alive because while Syndrome held him in place the next train swept into the station, taking the lower half of Saruman’s body with it. The subway car was washed in guts as they rained down from the wizard’s body. Syndrome sidestepped a thick drip of blood as he re-entered the car to continue his journey home.

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Zod was flying across country when it suddenly became very important for him to find a bathroom in the immediate future. Using his super-vision he spotted a campground below him and swooped down to use the facilities.

Zod finished his business and went to wash his hands but his hygiene was interrupted when the door was kicked in. The empty doorway was quickly filled with the massive figure of Jason Voorhees, clad in his worksuit and wielding his trademark machete.

Zod looked at the intruder. “I will not tolerate being disturbed while using the restroom. Leave at once or I will be forced to destroy you.”

However, from Jason’s point of view, Zod was the intruder and he intended to deal with him swiftly. Jason lumbered towards the Kryptonian and heavily swung the machete. The machete struck Zod precisely where Jason intended but the results were far from what he expected. The blade struck Zod but found no give in his flesh. It reverberated in his hand fiercly.

Zod looked at his assailant, curious about why this creature showed no fear in his presence. Jason grabbed a mop from the corner and attacked again. He attempted to spear Zod with the handle but the wood simply shattered upon contact.

Zod was not amused and deemed it time to fight back. He clenched his fists together and swung them up into Jason’s chin. It was a mighty blow and sent him through the roof of the bathroom several stories into the air. Jason landed with a dull thud and remained motionless for quite some time.

Zod finished washing his hands and combed his hair in the mirror. As he walked out of the bathroom and readied himself to take flight once more he was shocked to see Voorhees rise and approach him again. Perhaps there was more to this opponent than he originally believed.

Jason swung a haymaker at Zod’s head and did nothing but shatter 6 bones in his hand upon contact. Zod punched back and sent his fist through Jason. While removing his fist from Jason’s chest cavity he gripped his lungs and removed them on the way out.

“I think you’ve had enough.” taunted Zod.

Jason waivered as he stood there, the gaping wound in his chest sucking air. Finally he fell but Zod was amused to see his heart was still beating. Placing a foot on Jason’s shoulder and gripping his head, Zod twisted and ripped Jason’s head from his body and threw it to the moon.

“Now, you’ve had enough… bitch.”

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Godzilla and Megatron eyed one another warily. They had been sitting at the bar for close to three hours and were quickly tiring of each other’s company. Both were lamenting how terrible their latest film incarnations had been, despite the excellent source material, and both were tired of hearing the other one talk about himself. With frustration levels and b.a.c.’s high, the inevitable fighting words finally spilled forth from Megatron:

“You think you’re better than me?”

Godzilla answered with his trademark shriek and whipped his tail around, tripping the Decepticon. Megatron dropped to the ground and wobbled a bit before he rose and faced the gigantic lizard.

Godzilla taunted him, “Of course I think I’m better than you. You started off a toy commercial and now you’re just a whore for that sleazy pimp Michael Bay. I, on the other hand, am a metaphor for the dangers of atomic weapons and became a rallying symbol for a civilization trying to regain its … ”

BAZOOM!

Godzilla was cut off by a blast from Megatron’s arm cannon. That Michael Bay crack had really set him in a frenzy. Godzilla reeled backwards and was dismayed to find one of his teeny arms was charred and unresponsive.

Megatron transformed into jet form and swooped above the lizard. They played a cat and mouse game for a time. Megatron was diving and strafing while Godzilla returned fire with his atomic breath ray. Megatron scored several hits but the wounds were superficial against Godzilla’s tough skin and regenerative power. Still, he feigned being more injured than he truly was to lure Megatron in closer.

Feeling overly confident, Megatron swooped in closer and Godzilla saw just the break he’d been waiting for. Godzilla let loose a powerful magnetic field that momentarily incapacitated Megatron and caused him to transform back to his robot form as he spiraled downward to the Earth. Just before Megatron struck the ground Godzilla whipped him up the air with his tail and caught him in his mouth, crushing down on the Decepticon with his mighty teeth.

Megatron wailed as the left third of his body was severed but despite the pain he still maintained the presence of mind to unleash several mighty blasts from his arm cannon. At point blank range these shots ripped through the soft inside of the lizard’s mouth. Godzilla dropped Megatron but in his damaged state he was able to do little more than roll over and continue firing.

These shots impacted on Godzilla’s skin but did little damage. The fight ended with Godzilla stunning Megatron with a series of foot stomps and then grabbing him and ripping his head off with his teeth.

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Through my friend’s misfortune I was the lucky recipient of a free trip to Fabulous Las Vegas. Here’s a recap of my time in the greatest city Nevada has to offer:

Our flight arrived a little after Midnight on Thursday. After a taxi ride to our hotel and a quick change of clothes we were off to see what the strip had to offer. Famished, our first stop was Fatburger where by 1:30 I wolfed down a big ass burger with egg, cheese and bacon on it. It was so good I didn’t mind the month or so it shaved off my life expectancy.

We saw a guy in Fat Burger who looked just like former Buffalo Bill Thurman Thomas. He had the right build and his face was a perfect match. I don’t think it was him, though, since he wore no jewelry and the lady he was with was about 20% as pretty as his wife.

With full bellies we started off down the Strip making stops in each of the casinos along the way. We’d gamble a little bit here and a little bit there and were sure to make sure we drank a lot. When walking like that you must be very careful not to get dehydrated. I don’t know if I just never noticed before or if there really were more hookers out but we saw whores everywhere.

As someone who used to enjoy the Aladdin I was more than a little apprehensive about its transition into Planet Hollywood. I may not like the changes they made to the Desert Passage shopping area but there are some very nice differences to the casino. A new gambling area called the Pleasure Pit is about as perfect a gaming environment as I could imagine. There are eight tables grouped together with smoking hot dealers in their underwear and at either end of the table is a pedestal with another girl in her undies wriggling to the music. The bet limits on the tables were too rich for my blood but if I was more of a high roller you can bet where I’d be. Adjacent to the Pleasure Pit is a new bar called The Love Bar that has several of those same dancing girl pedestals throughout.

We spent the next few hours gambling up and down the strip. I had a particularly nice streak of luck at the Venetian but neither my buddy nor I managed to win a car at a slot machine no matter how hard we tried. After traveling up and down the strip we finally ended up back in the room a little after 5. I soaked my aching feet in the bathtub and then made some phone calls to friends who I knew would be just heading to work back home.

We got up about 11 the next morning and took the monorail down to the Hilton. On the monorail I watched a group of old people eating Worther’s Originals and going on and on about how good they were. I couldn’t believe my luck. I love it when I get to see stereotypes play out in real life.

After messing around at the Hilton we walked up to the Riveria. After fiddling about there for a while we were drawn across the street to Slots O’ Fun by their gigantic 99-cent hot dogs. One sign claimed the dogs were 1/2 lb and another that they were 12oz. I don’t know, but either way it was a gigantic wiener. I managed about three bites and couldn’t do anymore. My buddy managed to eat the whole thing but everyone knows he likes wieners a lot more than me.

After lunch we went next door to Circus Circus. We didn’t do any gambling there but rather headed upstairs to the carnival games. I dominated the game where you slam the frog with a hammer and send it flying into a pot. We didn’t want to carry the prizes around though, so we gave them to some loser kids who were watching us and couldn’t win their own.

After some more gambling and drinking and some time at the car museum in the Imperial Palace we went back to the room to get changed into some nicer clothes. We had a big night ahead of us what with the Little Legends show we had tickets to.

Little Legends sounded like fun but in reality was far and away the worst show I’ve ever seen in Vegas. It was advertised as a midget celebrity impersonator show but that is a generous description. They had one girl midget who just continually changed costumes. She played Alanis Morrissette, Cher, Britney Spears and maybe a few others. She sang along to an accompaniment track. Her routine would commonly be called karaoke. She was a little bit sexy though, and was the highlight of the show. Another performer was a white male midget who played drums along with a Motley Crue song. They said he was Tommy Lee. Later in the show he would reappear as Sonny Bono. The final two midgets were black males who danced as Michael Jackson and Milli Vanilli. That was fitting since the most appropriate description of the male performers would be lip-synching. Round out the cast was a full-sized terrible hack of a magician who mc’d the show. The final act featured all the midgets dressed as the Village People only there were just four of them. We got the tickets for half price and I felt ripped off.

After the show we hit the buffet at Paris where I ate about $100 worth of crab before tackling the prime rib and dessert table. Holy cow that was a great meal.

After dinner we wandered the strip for another 6 or 7 hours making sure to make plenty of stops for gambling and booze. We made sure to spend another hour or so back in the Love Bar at Planet Hollywood. It really was about as good as it gets. I was sitting in a nice comfy chair throwing down White Russians and Witty Chucks. I was surrounded by lovely ladies wriggling in their underwear and when I got tired of watching that, I could look up at a giant screen replaying an NBA game from earlier that evening.

Thirty seven hours after landing we were taking off to go back home and I was glad I had a day to recover before going back to work. I’d like to especially thank the Venetian, the Sahara and New York, New York for helping me to come home with a bit more money than I came with.

Max Cady begrudgingly exited the Sundown Tavern and heard the lock click behind him. Closing time had snuck up on Cady tonight and while he had drunk his share, he would definitely have hit it a little harder had he known it was almost last call. Still, he had a decent buzz and that would have to suffice for the time being.

It was a several block walk to Cady’s home from the bar and he held his jacket close to his body in an effort to block the bitter cold wind from the East. Coming upon an alley he was startled to see a blinding flash of light erupt from deep inside just before he passed by.

Curious, Cady peeked his head down the darkened back street to see what had caused the light. He didn’t see anything that looked like it could have birthed the light but was momentarily stunned when he saw a massive nude man rise from the shadows.

Cady decided to have some fun with the mysterious man. “Well now, friend. It looks like you must be having some kind of party tonight.”

The Cyberdine System Series 800 Model 101 remained silent, analyzing Max as he approached him. Cady spoke again, “What’s wrong? You lose your tongue the same place you lost your drawers?”

As he continued advancing, Cady began to lose his temper. “Hey pal, I’m talking to you.” By now he was almost directly in front of the stranger. When Cady leaned in and shoved him the Terminator quickly reassessed him from benign into the threat category.

The shove didn’t budge the hulking machine. Cady smiled as he realized he may have a real fight on his hands. He swung a heavy right hand at the Terminator’s jaw and connected solidly. Again, the stranger didn’t move but he was certain he had just broken two knuckles.

Max Cady glanced around the alley to locate a weapon. In the moment he looked away the Terminator attacked. The cyborg grabbed Cady by the neck and threw him against the nearby wall. Cady groaned as he struck the bricks, fairly certain he now had a broken collarbone to go along with the bones in his hand. With his working arm, Cady grabbed a bottle from the ground and smashed the end, transforming it into a deadly blade.

When the Terminator reached down towards Cady he thrust the broken bottle deep into the terminators face. The bottle dug itself soundly into the flesh of his opponent before shattering and sending glass bits everywhere.

The lacerated skin around the Terminator’s left eye revealed the metal exoskeleton beneath. Cady’s mind raced as he struggled to understand what he was seeing. Unfortunately he didn’t have enough time to come to a conclusion as only a moment later the Terminator grabbed his neck between his massive hands and ripped his head from his body.

The Terminator took the clothes from his fallen opponent and went to find a suitable location to repair his face.

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Goliath and Jason stared each other down. This fight had been a long time coming. Point of fact, since I didn’t submit an article to the last issue of Nerd City and then we were delayed publishing this week this fight was delayed over three weeks. The anticipation has been overwhelming to the two warriors.

Goliath couldn’t take it any more. He raised his mighty sword and charged at his adversary. Jason silently stood and watched as his massive opponent approached. His cold eyes barely flinched as Goliath ran him through with his sword.

Leaving the long sword still sticking three feet though Jason’s chest, Goliath raised his arms in victory. Now to be fair, Goliath hadn’t read the scouting report on Jason but he should have been suspicious that the fight went down so easily. Still, it wasn’t exactly his gigantic brain he was known for. It was no surprise to anyone but Goliath when Jason looked down at the hilt in his chest and slowly withdrew the sword.

Goliath finally took notice of Voorhees removing the sword and grabbed it away from him. He then stepped back and took a mighty swing, this time at Jason’s head. Jason did not intend to be stabbed again. This time he grabbed the sword, one hand on the blade, the other on the hilt. His power took Goliath by surprise and despite the giant’s strength he took the sword from him.

Jason swung the blade. Goliath dodged what he expected to be a blow to his chest but was very disappointed to discover a moment too late that Jason’s target was actually his knee. The blade cleaved through the bones and tendon and completely severed the limb just below the knee.

The one-legged giant toppled to the ground. The fight wasn’t over yet, though. He grabbed Jason’s leg and with one hand above his knee and the other below, he destroyed all the ligaments in his knee.

Jason was wounded and crippled but retained the presence of mind to bring the sword around again. This time the sword dug into the flesh of the giant’s neck and sent his head toppling across the dirt.

Blood gushed from the open neck wound as Jason limped away to await his next battle.

Johnny blazed down the highway on his 1979 Honda Elsinore. The wind caressed his luscious blond hair and dried his damp karate gi. His muscles rippled as they were still taut from his workout. Johnny had just whipped some wimp in a sparring match at karate practice and he was on top of the world.

Meanwhile, Megatron, (in Cybertronian jet mode), raced overhead. He had just installed some new weapons systems and was itching to try them out. When he spotted the dirt bike cruising down the highway he knew he’d found the perfect practice target.

Adjusting his speed, Megatron tracked his oblivious prey and focused his rocket guidance system. With a smile Megatron unleashed a rocket and was almost immediately dismayed when it veered off course and missed the boy by several meters.

The explosion sent up a massive amount of Earth and roughage. The shockwave crashed into the dirt bike and sent Johnny sprawling. The bike slid to a stop on the road while Johnny was thrown off into the embankment where his fall was fortunately broken by a large group of sugar bushes.

Megatron cursed and descended down to where the boy lay. He transformed into his robot form and towered over Johnny. Johnny was just brushing himself off trying to figure out what happened when he heard the Decepticon approaching.

“What the hell are you? Did you cause my bike to crash?”

“Insignificant Earth creature! Do you not know who you stand before?”

“Oh yeah? Is this insignificant?”

Johnny rushed at Megatron and unleashed a wicked leg sweep. This robot may be big but Johnny knew a sweep of the leg would bring him down to size.

Of course, reality differed slightly from Johnny’s expectations. His leg sweep connected just as he planned but when he struck the hard metal of Megatron’s shin his own leg shattered.

Johnny wailed in pain. He tried to stand but his bones betrayed him. Megatron scooped up Johnny and punted him with a drop kick that would have made Doug Flutie proud.

Had Megatron cared enough to zoom in his optics to follow Johhnie’s flight path he would have seen the young man impact into the engine block of an oncoming 18-wheeler some eleven miles away.

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Many people never get to see their favorite bands perform live. They could be Beatles fans born in 1980 or Nirvana fans living in North Dakota. They could have gone so far as to buy tickets to see Tupac in October of ’96 or be Elton John fans who can’t afford to spend over $100 per ticket. There are many things that can keep us from the music we love.

Last week I was lucky enough to see my favorite band perform live. This was the sixth time I’d had such a privilege and I was grateful. Living in Oklahoma, about the only way you can see your favorite band that many times is to be a Steve Miller Band fan. Despite the fact that they’ve only played once in my hometown, (ten years ago), I was on my way to show number six.

This is the story of the time I watched the Counting Crows in Tulsa.

The Crows were doing a summer tour of baseball stadiums and made a stop in Tulsa at Driller Stadium. Now, I’ll admit that most of Tulsa is quite a bit cooler than my hometown of Oklahoma City, but compared to their minor league baseball stadium, ours looked like Uday’s Palace. What a dump.

It was late July and a 6:00PM start meant the temperature was still very high. This led to both positive and negative outcomes. The heat was uncomfortable and everyone was awfully sweaty. However, on the bright side, every pretty girl in Tulsa came out to the show and the heat ensured none were dressed in bulky sweaters.

As we parked and began walking towards the stadium the evening began on a decidedly sour note. A few steps from the car we saw a boy who couldn’t have been older than 16 take a big drink from a bottle of Jack and proceed to vomit all over the parking lot. It was so warm outside it wasn’t hard to imagine the barf sautéing on the smoldering asphalt.

The sounds of opening band Collective Soul filled the air as we entered the ballpark. We made a quick stop at the t-shirt stand but were quickly dissuaded by the prices. My wife didn’t want to fight the crowds of the infield so we settled into a seat in the bleachers with a nice view of the stage.

Collective Soul put on a solid rock show and the crowd received them warmly. I was surprised by how many of the songs I recognized from the radio. They made a very smart move when playing the obligatory new material no one cared about by going into an AC/DC medley in the middle of the song.

Collective Soul’s 45-minute, all-hit set was followed by another band I had heard plenty of on the radio, Third Eye Blind. TEB came out blazing and didn’t let up. Again I was impressed by how many radio hits this band has produced. A song I had heard many times but was particularly rocked by is their breakout hit “Semi-Charmed Life.” That song translated very well into the soundtrack for our open air party beneath the dwindling rays of the sun.

Sitting directly in front of us was a group of five less-than-attractive middle-aged women. In the break between bands my wife and I had a fun time trying to decide which of them we would “do” should we be forced to choose. She chose the gap-toothed brunette that walked with a cane. It was about fifteen minutes later when I realized the one I chose bore a striking resemblance to Aileen Wuornos. It was about this time we moved over to an adjacent section.

I was particularly impressed by how great both opening bands sounded. After seeing Cinderella in concert last summer and being shocked by how badly the singer’s voice has degraded it was nice to hear two bands still sound the way they are supposed to.

Whereas the first two bands came out heavy, the Counting Crows took a different approach. They calmly took the stage and then singer Adam Duritz proceeded to talk for about five minutes. Don’t get me wrong, talking about their progress on a new album and VH1 being there to film the show was interesting information. It just made for kind of a slow start to their set. Then, making their opening song a slow one from their yet-to-be-released album just about brought the night to a halt.

Ten minutes in, it seemed like this was going to be a less than stellar show. Then they announced they would be dusting off some old songs and Duritz revealed that his girlfriend had just broken up with him that afternoon and it started to feel like we might be on the verge of something special.

After the inauspicious start, the band really rounded into form and played with lots of emotion. The music was so good I felt like I had floated away from Tulsa and just kept sailing to a happier place. They followed “Perfect Blue Buildings” and “Mr. Jones” with the most heartbreaking arrangement of “Miami” I had ever heard. Song after beautiful song drifted through the night. Then, all too soon, Graham Colton came out to join the band on a spirited “Hanging Around,” signaling the end of the show. They played a couple of songs for an encore and then the night was over.

I hope this isn’t the last time I get to see the Counting Crows but in case it is, I can take solace in knowing that the last time was as good as they’ve ever been.

Curses flew past him as Spike rushed down the alleyway. Two Death Eaters were hot on his heels and he was running out of ideas. His refusal to subjugate himself to the rule of the dark lord had earned him a very powerful enemy. Unfortunately his pride was too strong to allow him to serve anyone, even someone as powerful as Voldemort.

Spike turned a corner and spotted his motorcycle. He allowed a small portion of relief to wash over him as he neared the bike. His hope was quickly dashed, however, when the bike suddenly rose up into the air and burst into flames.

Spike realized running was a futile enterprise and felt a surge of power rush through him as he decided he had no choice but to fight. He turned to face his pursuers and was horrified to find himself now encircled by five Death Eaters with the Dark Lord himself at the top of the arc.

Despite being gripped by a growing sense of dread, Spike glowered at his opponent and said, “I’m impressed you wankers can run so fast in your nancy robes. You ought to…” His insult was cut short by the shrill voice of He Who Shall Not Be Named commanding “Silencio.”

Spike was stunned momentarily but quickly regained his composure. He rushed towards the dark lord with his fangs bared, already thinking about how sweet this bloke’s blood was going to taste.

Spike’s charge was interrupted as Voldemort pointed his wand and said “Avada Kedavra.” Green light erupted from the wand and blasted Spike in the chest. The spell knocked him back but hardly killed him.

Spike picked himself up and grinned while saying, “You’re going to have to try harder than that. I’m already dead, you knob.”

“Very well,” said Voldemort. “Imperio!”

Spike suddenly found himself unable to control his limbs. Voldemort picked a stick up from the ground and threw it to Spike. Spike caught the stick and immediately plunged it deep into his chest involuntarily, piercing his heart. A heartbeat later he turned to dust but by then the dark lord had already turned to go.

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