Issue 10: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

My 10 Favorite Cartoons

I’ve received many letters from readers asking me what my favorite cartoons were as a child. Since we here at Nerd City are an accommodating lot whose purpose is to serve you, our faithful readers, I am happy to oblige.

I have chosen to include both Saturday morning cartoons as well as the after-school variety for consideration. Anything I began to enjoy after the onset of puberty was considered ineligible. This keeps the more “mature” cartoons I have enjoyed since then such as Beavis & Butthead, The Simpsons and South Park from tainting the wholesomeness of the other entries. Finally, this list is in no particular order. They are simply all presented as equally beloved.

Fat Albert

Hey hey hey Fat Albert is OK. As these lovable urban Philadelphia teenagers learned about life, I learned right along with them. They taught me the danger of drugs and stealing as well as what happens when you get your tonsils taken out (“you’ll get ice cream, ice cream.”) Show creator Bill Cosby was still learning to flex his comedic muscles and though he was a bit restricted by the children’s programming format he still managed to be both humorous and relevant. Throw in The Brown Hornet cartoon-within- a-cartoon concept and you’ve got a pretty entertaining show.

Scooby Doo

Scoob and the gang went through several different show variations. However, regardless of the format, this show was dear to me and never failed to be entertaining, (with the obvious exception of the abortion that was Scrappy Doo.) My favorite gimmick the show pulled was the introduction of celebrity guest stars- The Globetrotters, Batman, Phyllis Diller, you name it. Each one infused a fresh flavor into their episode. The real jewels of the show were the villains. We all know a hero is only as good as his nemeses and Scooby Doo delivered this in bucketloads. The 49er Miner, the 10,000 Volt Ghost and the Willawa lead this motley troupe of outstanding scoundrels. Plus, trying to solve the mystery before the gang gave the youngsters of the world a “Murder She Wrote” of their own. Thanks, Scooby, for all these years of keeping us safe from the things going bump in the night.

Mickey Mouse

This is the only primetime entry on my list. When my family got cable and, with it, the Disney channel, my favorite show became Mousterpiece Theater hosted by George Plimpton. George lorded over the cartoons in his elegant study and regal red chair. He presented the classic adventures of Mickey and his friends while including interesting trivia about each episode.

GI Joe

My favorite toy was available in cartoon form? Awesome! I remember my action figures used to like to line up on the floor of my bedroom to watch the show with me. GI Joe and Cobra would all get along for the duration of the program. But as soon as I learned that “knowing was half the battle,” all hell would erupt between the two sides.

Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears

My second Disney entry on the list doubles as a tasty treat. I prefer the white one myself. I believe this cartoon had the greatest theme song of all of our entries and is second to only Fraggle Rock as the greatest children’s show theme ever. I don’t remember much about these bears other than the fact that they lived in Gummi Glen, (a place I no doubt fantasized living in, as well), and they brewed a wonderful beverage called Gummiberry Juice. One time I tried to make my own Gummiberry Juice by melting gummi bears in the microwave. They melted, sure enough, but then hardened into sugary stone almost instantly as they cooled. I tried desperately to clean the plate before my mother could find out what I’d done and in my hasty scraping of the plate I gashed my hand open on the rigid, melted gummi bears. To this day I am confident I am the only person in the world to have cut themselves on a gummi bear.

Transformers

My other favorite toy had a cartoon, too? Who cares if I was a drone in their extensive marketing campaign? I went willingly. What a great idea Transformers were! With every purchase you got 2 toys in 1. You didn’t just get a robot, you got a car or a radio or a gun or a jet or whatever. It was like cheating. As excited as I was about the Transformers movie, I determined I was too old to go see it. I regretted this for quite some time and recently made up for it by buying the movie. Now, in my 30s, I can watch it as frequently as I want and I bear no shame about it.

Superfriends

Oh boy! What a genius idea for a cartoon! Wonder Woman, Superman, Aquaman and a multitude of other heroes were all assembled for my Saturday morning viewing pleasure. You throw in all those awesome super villains and you’ve got a can’t-fail program. The Wonder Twins could be a little tedious when you really just wanted to see Batman vs. Solomon Grundy and Mxyzptlk. It should be mentioned that the Legion of Doom is a totally cool name for an evil group. In fact, I think I just decided to change the name of my fantasy football team. The inclusion of a bunch of affirmative action heroes in the later episodes can even be forgiven because it was, after all, even more heroes to root for (albeit at a cost of less screen time for Batman.)

The Godzilla Power Hour

One time I was watching the wonderful Godzilla cartoon and I became very engrossed in the show. In fact, I was so absorbed in the program that I failed to notice my dog Skipper spilled my bowl of Fruity Pebbles and gobbled it all up off the carpet. Boy was my mom upset. Godzookie was a douche, by the way.

Spider Man and His Amazing Friends

The Marvel Universe had to throw their hat into the ring for the Saturday morning battle for my attention and they scored a hit with this show. In this case, Spidey’s “amazing friends” refer to Firestar and Iceman. The three of them formed quite a formidable team as they battled evil while still making time to make good grades in college. That’s a true testament to their herohood. I could hardly make it to class half the time and these three managed to save the world countless times and still get their homework done.

Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling

Can’t get enough Andre the Giant and Roddy Piper on Saturday Night’s Main Event? Me either. That’s what made this show so great. No longer were the actions of Tito Santana and the Iron Sheik confined to the wrestling ring. Now we could see how their adventures spilled out into their lives away from the arena.

Did any of your favorites make the list? Which ones did you love that I failed to mention?

Issue 9: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

Rascal Stallion’s Quadrilateral of Horror

What Makes a Horror Movie Awesome?

I’ll tell you what makes it awesome. All you need are four things- scary, bloody, funny and boobs. That’s it. That’s really all you need. It should be so easy. Unfortunately the majority of movies manage to miss at least one of the marks. If you can find some way to include a combination of these four things then you, my friend, have made yourself a complete horror film.

Let’s examine the four categories a little more closely:

Scary
The cornerstone of all horror movies is its scare factor. If a horror movie isn’t scary then it’s not really a horror movie, is it? It’s more of an actiony thriller movie or something. Scares are typically wrought through one of the methods. Let’s look at some Stephen King adaptations for examples. The first route to scary is artful direction resulting in suspense that keeps the viewer on edge. This can be found in Misery as James Caan is sneaking around and you just know Cathy Bates is going to catch him at any moment and make his ankle all floppy. The second is through plot circumstances that remind us that what we’re seeing could happen to us and tear our world apart. An example of this is Cujo. It’s not too far fetched to imagine being assaulted by a rabies-afflicted beast. The easiest route to scary is the jump out. If you’re especially ignorant and can’t think of an example of this just watch the ending of Carrie. The lesson here is that the methods aren’t important so long as the end result if terror.

Bloody
To me, this is the least essential of the quadrilateral. I believe a horror movie requires at least a scene or two that makes me squirm or cringe but if I had to go without at least one of the four this would be the one I omit. That said, when people are discussing movies around the watercooler or at the cafeteria lunchtable these are usually the scenes they are talking about. These are usually the first scenes to come to mind when you are reminded of a horror movie. Think about it, what scenes do you immediately think of when I mention movies like Cannibal Holocaust or Alien?

Funny
The funny is absolutely necessary. If you have an hour and a half of straight tension you would have a stroke and die. Even if you could, why would you want to? There is an art to building up the suspense, breaking it and then building it up again, just a little bigger than before. The great ones do this seamlessly, subtly moving us through laughter and fear. An example of this can be found in Bruce Campbell’s performances in the Evil Dead movies.

The comedy doesn’t even have to be intentional to be effective. Some movies are so campy or the characters so stupid that they provide us with laughs even when they don’t mean to. For instance, take a look at a movie like Troll 2. The plot, acting, and effects are so terrible that it is much more of a comedy film than horror.

Boobs
There’s no way to discuss this section without coming across as a pig, so I’m just going to avoid the pretense and speak frankly here. A flash of boob here or there in a movie inherently makes it better. I’m not looking for porno levels of skin or even a gratuitous amount of nudity. Just give us a little. Throw us a bone, so to speak. The movie should, at least once or twice give us an answer when we wonder to ourselves, “What’s she look like under there?”

This is where the new breed of horror movies got it all wrong. Scream came out and really revitalized the industry. We were so hungry for horror that we flocked to it. Unfortunately, when they skipped the nudity that had become a staple of horror in decades past and we supported it anyway, the message the studios got was that it was ok to leave the boob shots out. Scream’s success encouraged many other films to follow suit, such as the I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legends movies. In those three franchises alone we were denied nudity of Heather Graham, Sarah Michelle Gellar (twice), Drew Berrymore, Rebecca Gayheart (twice), Tara Reid, and Jennifer Love Hewitt (twice.) Yep, good thing Rebecca Gayheart didn’t show her boobs and cause her career to fizzle out.

As you can see, many movies blend various combinations of these elements; but it is the very rare movie that finds a way to successfully include them all. The most recent movie to nail the mark was Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever. Here’s how:

The plot focuses on a group of friends in the woods, (the isolation of the rural wooded area provides an extremely fertile setting for horror), as they are exposed to a horrific virus. The story is scary because it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to envision a deadly virus sweeping across the country.

This virus is very destructive and leads to some ghastly wounds and decompositions. We’re given all the gore we could want, (provided our name isn’t Peter Jackson.)

James DeBello as Bert and Guiseppe Andrews as Deputy Winston provide ample laughs to ease the growing tension as the virus spreads.

Finally, we are given multiple views of the tasty body of Cerina Vincent. Sure, she’s shaving the flesh off of her legs in one of them but we really can’t be choosy. Somewhat disappointing is that Jordan Ladd refused to bare her goodies but then opted to do so in her very next movie. Oh well, c’est la vie. (I don’t even know what that means but it seemed fitting.)

Now, don’t be mistaken. There are many great horror movies that fail to meet one or more of the critical criteria. These films are especially disappointing because they could have reached pantheon level with just a little more work.

Of course, you could argue that the inclusion of whatever was missing would have detracted from the movie. Maybe you’re right, but good luck convincing me that Sleepaway Camp wouldn’t have been better with a little nudity, or The Shining wouldn’t have benefited from more comedy.

Some movies have to use sequels to hit all four categories. This, of course, is not a successful fulfillment of the quadrilateral. A good example of this is the A Nightmare on Elm Street series. The first movie hits scary, bloody and funny like Hiroshima, but we aren’t delivered a single nipple until later in the series.

Feel free to use my system to evaluate horror movies from now on or even develop your own system. Perhaps, if enough of us start using my system, we can really grow and form a grassroots coalition that will become large enough for the movie studios to take notice. They will begin to meet our demands for better horror and stop just releasing neutered remakes of the beloved classics.

Who will join me? Who will stand my side and declare that we will not go quietly into the night until our desire for fright and gore, balanced with a touch of comedy and completely unnecessary nudity has been satiated?

Issue 8: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

Science Fiction Items I Wish I Had

I was sitting here trying to think of what I might write about this week when my mind drifted off. I began to wonder how different my life might be if I owned various items from books and films. After daydreaming for half an hour about this I realized my topic was plainly evident. So now, without further ado, I present to you:

Science Fiction Items I Wish I Had (and the mischief I would commit with them)

Lightsaber- The first item that comes to mind when my thoughts turn this direction is also probably the least practical. Sure it would be immeasurably cool but what are its practical uses? It’s not enough to just sit around the house and play with it, that’s just asking for an amputated limb (or at least a bisected dog.) I suppose I could tour the country on the fair circuit and show it off between the Gravitron and the Worlds Fattest Man tent, but what kind of a life is that? No thanks.

Pee Wee’s Bicycle- This is another entry into the category of stuff that would be a blast to have but wouldn’t really make my life any different. I already have a bicycle and I don’t ride it all that often. I can’t imagine having a plastic lion’s head on the front would increase the likelihood of my pulling it out of the garage. I suppose it would be fun to use its jets to make massive jumps, but knowing me, it would just lead to a massive wreck. And no doubt while I was convalescing, Francis would come and steal it.

The Predator’s Cloaking Device- Now we’re talking. If I had that thing I would surely lead a life of crime. I could sneak into all sorts of places and, over time, become as world renowned as the notorious LeMarque. If I had the stones for it I could network myself into the world’s greatest assassin. But, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t do anything all that ambitious. I would just rip off 7-11s for cash and spend the rest of my time chilling out in girls’ locker rooms.

Wonka’s Chocolate Factory- Now this would be sweet. Not only would I have a cash cow that would allow me to just sit back and watch the dough roll in but I’d also have my own legion of Oompa Loompa slave labor to carry out whatever devious plans I could concoct. The abundance of available candy would ensure an early death, but if you’ve got to die, you could do a lot worse than death by chocolate.

The Delorean from Back to the Future- I was originally going to write about having one of those flying skateboards from the film until 1 realized 1) I would kill myself very quickly. I can’t even ride the kind with wheels. 2) Who wants a stupid flying board when you can have a time traveling car? (Not to mention how it’s almost impossible to look uncool getting out of a car with those suicide doors. They are like the exact opposite of the motorcycle sidecar.) I know the whole trilogy is essentially about all the problems that arise form jacking with the past and future but I’m sure I could manage to avoid all that and still become the most powerful man in the history of the world.

Honorable mention cars: Batmobile, Mach 5 and KITT

The computer from Weird Science- You have to admit, it would be most excellent to have a computer that you can use to create people. Besides the obvious sexual uses that were explored in the film there are a myriad of other applications. I would create a gardener/custodian so I would never have to do any work around the house again. I would make a series of workers to flood the workforce and enjoy the fruits of their labor all the way to the bank. Plus, I bet you could use it to make all kinds of things besides people. I could start my own zoo of totally unique animals. I could even make a real Bigfoot and Nessie. There is no ceiling to the possibilities here.

Teleportation device from The Fly- With its massive size and weight, this isn’t the easiest product to use. Throw in the inherent danger of a fly taking the trip with you and you’ve definitely got your hands full here. Of course, the convenience factor of a working teleportation device makes all the hassle manageable. The difficult choice would be determining where to place the receiver. Would I put it in my office to shave my commute time from its current 20 minutes down to a wispy 1 second? Perhaps I would choose to put the receiver on the beach or some exotic locale I would like to visit whenever whimsy struck me. Of course, placing it in an unsecured locale is an open invitation to disaster. Sure, easy, instant access to the Bahamas would be awesome but the fun is over the moment I make the trip back with a sand crab in the pod with me.

Death Star- Oh boy. Could it get any cooler than this? Methinks not. Sure it would be a logistical nightmare, not to mention the tiny issue of what to even do with it. Staffing would be especially tricky. Not everyone can be the laser operator. I would need someone to clean all the toilets. Plus, how would I pay salaries and ensure my employees remain loyal to me? I would need a competitive benefits package to keep my employees from trying to leave for work at a different space station after I go to the trouble of training them.

That said, none of those things matter. Not when we’re talking about having your own Death Star. I would just live up in space and lord over the plebians of planet Earth. I would shape the entire political landscape of the world. I would pass doctrine and policy and if anyone dared fail to comply I would make millions of voices suddenly cry out in terror and suddenly silence them.

Issue 7: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

2006 Nerd City Summer Movie Preview Blowout Extravaganza

This summer, movie studios and multiplexes are teaming up to give you a tremendous opportunity. Millions of dollars and countless man-hours have been invested in making films in an effort to provide you with an avenue of entertainment as well as an opportunity to rid yourself of your pesky money.

Welcome to the 2006 Nerd City Summer Movie Preview Blowout Extravaganza.

Let’s explore, chronologically, a large portion of the films for which you can expect to be bombarded with ads over the next few months as they infiltrate a theater near you.

May

An American Haunting -Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek

A horror movie

Not a remake or sequel?

good enough for me

Mission Impossible 3 -Tom Cruise, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames

Never saw part 2

PSH>Cruise

Average mindless fun

Hoot -Luke Wilson, Nobody else I’ve ever heard of

Owls are creepy birds

Rather see hooters than hoot

Still a feel good film

Poseidon -Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell

A boat sinking film

Perfect Storm or Titanic?

Somewhere in between

Just My Luck -Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay is lucky

Wish that I could get lucky

with Lindsay Lohan

Down in the Valley -Edward Norton, Evan Rachel Wood

Love scenes between leads

Norton 18 years older

Sounds super creepy

The Da Vinci Code -Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou

Wish the Catholics would

boycott Tom Hanks’ gross hair cut

instead of this film

Over the Hedge -Bruce Willis and about a million other people

So tired of Dreamworks

Cartoon animals send me

right over the ledge

X-Men: The Last Stand -Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, several hot ladies

If I were mutant

I would make Halle Berry

stop making movies

June

The Break-Up -Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Anniston

What a cute couple

Typical chick flick garbage

No thank you. I’ll pass

Harsh Times -Christian Bale, Eva Longoria

This movie looks dark

I mean really, really dark

Bale is perfect fit

Cars –Owen Wilson, Paul Newman and a bunch of other folks

The only thing worse

than cartoon animals is

cartoon cars and trucks

A Prairie Home Companion –Lily Tomlin, Meryl Streep, and many, many others

An outstanding cast

It will either be boring

or it will be great

The Omen –Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles

This look good to you?

See original instead

and save your money

Nacho Libre –Jack Black

Jack Black in spandex

If that doesn’t sound funny

This is nacho film

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift –Lucas Black, Bow Wow

If people call you

a simple-minded dumbass

this film is for you

The Lake House –Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves

Time travel love tale

Wish I could go back in time

and unmake this film

Click –Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken

If you like Sandler

you will enjoy this movie

otherwise don’t go

Garfield’s A Tale of Two Kitties –Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chest

Can a sequel based

on an unfunny comic

hope to make me laugh?

Superman Returns –Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth

Who is this Routh kid?

With Spacey as Lex Luthor

the film should be good

The Devil Wears Prada –Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway

The real question is

Will Hathaway show her boobs

three films in a row?

Holy cow! I’m just now to the end of June and I’m way out of space. Looks like the rest of the summer preview is going to have to wait until a later issue. I know you were just dying to read a Haiku about Miami Vice, too.

Issue 6: Escaping Life
By Rascal Stallion

Mafia vs Ninja

“My friend, what are you doing?”

“You really want to know? I’m going to kill you, you bastard!”

How about that for opening dialogue? Sure, the title of this movie alone should be enough to cement it as a good idea, but with opening dialogue like that, any trepidation you may have should be laid to rest. Mafia vs Ninja? Are you kidding me? Has there ever been a pairing of two more fertile subjects to arouse the interest of guys across the planet? This is right up there with chocolate and peanut butter.

I’m telling you, this movie almost has it all: great dialogue, wonderfully rich characters, and the amazing ability to combine the wild action expected of a ninja movie with the labyrinthine plot of a gangster film. If the director could have thrown in some gratuitous nudity and some explosions or beast battles, we could be talking about the greatest movie ever made. As it is, however, it’s only the greatest kung fu movie ever.

I know. I know. It seems like heresy to say this is a better kung-fu movie than anything offered up by Chuck, Bruce, Sonny or Don. Don’t get me wrong those guys kicked lots of ass and made some excellent films. They just lack the beautiful magic found in Mafia vs Ninja.

The record should also indicate that the opening sequence of Ninja III: The Domination is head and shoulders better than any other kung-fu movie even dares to be. That digression is probably worth its own article, though, so I’ll try to get back on topic.

Mafia vs Ninja follows the adventures of Jack Do and Charlie Wu in Shanghai. They get involved in a war between Chinese and Japanese crime syndicates that can only be resolved with lots of punching and kicking.

The villains are out of sight. In addition to the traditional Japanese mob bosses, you’ve got a great assortment of ringers they throw into the battle. When these guys are introduced, you know that Jack is in some serious trouble.
First we meet Nemo. He is an Italian dude who is a knife specialist. He slaughters a bunch of apples to prove his skills. You will know Nemo by his resemblance to Rolling Stone Ron Wood and his propensity to draw royal flushes.

Fuji is the sumo looking guy with the samurai sword. You will recognize him by his Hitler ‘stache.

I never caught his name, but there is also an unnamed ninja in black who leads a whole team of assassin lackeys into battle. These lackeys seem to be ordinary fodder until their big battle when their true power is revealed. They possess the ability to turn into clumps of grass that quickly scoot across the battlefield and can only be stopped with the aid of a broom.

Lastly, Mr. Jones has no gimmick but what he lacks in that respect, he more than makes up for with sheer fighting ability. He is the token American black guy. You will know him by his being the only black dude in the film.

This movie has something for the ladies, too. Jack saves a girl’s life and they begin to fall in love. This plot thread is surely enough to keep the interest of any girls you can trick into watching with you. But don’t dismiss their relationship too quickly, fellas, there may be more to this girl than meets the eye. She may be hiding a surprising secret or two.

Another thing this movie has going for it is the stellar editing work by Poon Hung. And if you think I included that just to have a reason to put that name in this article then you’re crazy.

This is a movie with a social conscience, too. It takes a hard line stance on the dangers of drugs and uses copious amounts of violence to punish those who decide to deal them. It’s not difficult to read between the lines of the message when the equation is Jack + drug dealers = pain.

Racial issues are also tackled when Jack and Charlie try to enter a “whites only” club. The manager taunts them by explaining that neither Chinese nor dogs are allowed in his club and insinuates that they are both. The equation here is Jack + racist = pain.

If you are looking for good karate action and an unbelievable level of unintentional comedy you absolutely cannot go wrong with Mafia vs Ninja. Believe it!