First, the Superhero Information Initiative, which is pretty self-explanatory. Unlike Tina Turner’s song, “We Don’t Need Another Hero” from the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, we believe that superheroes and their mythologies are inextricably linked to the human condition and should be exposed to the light of day occasionally. Plus, superheroes kick ass.

Second, the Tournament of Villainy, which is almost self-explanatory, but here’s a little help from Rascal Stallion:

“Recently, we here at Nerd City were witness to a macabre, fascinating event. A collection of 64 of the most vile evil doers the world has ever seen were pitted against one another in a single elimination battle-to-the-death tournament.

Over the next year we will bring you the play-by-play of each meeting leading up to the exciting, shocking finale.”

In the coming days, as we upgrade to the new server, you will see the older issues of Nerd City begin to go online as well, so don’t despair. We’re on it.

I’ve been thinking pretty hard lately, trying to figure out my favorite character from the show Freaks and Geeks. There were so many great personalities on that show. Lindsay was brooding and intelligent, yet somehow vaguely unfulfilled. And how could you not like the lovable, bumbling Nick Andopolis-drumming in his short shorts just like his hero Neil Peart. And Mr. and Mrs. Weir were just a hoot in their respective stages of cluelessness.

I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I found the Geeks, (Sam, Neal, and Bill) to be funnier and more interesting than the Freaks, probably because they were still at an awkward stage where they didn’t fit in, but still hadn’t developed the defensive stance of the Freaks. The way I saw the show, both groups were “uncool” to a certain type of kid, (cheerleaders like Vicky.) But the younger guys were still awkwardly humorous in their uncoolness, while the Freaks were more angst-ridden, as if they were choosing not to fit in. So, even though I was probably most like the head Freak Ken when I was in high school, I like the Geeks. And of the Geeks, I’ve decided that my favorite is…(drum roll)…Bill Haverchuck.

I’m a Bill fan for a variety of reasons. One, he has the quintessential nerd look. Those huge, thick-framed glasses are almost standard optical hardware for the nerd toolkit. And he’s certainly not attractive by any stretch of the imagination–sloppily-dressed in those awful sweaters with braces and acne, tall and skinny…he looks like the bumper crop of some sort of alien nerd farm, where the aliens collected all kinds of species of socially awkward misfits throughout earth’s history and genetically combined them into one uber-nerd. That’s what Bill looks like.

But I think my appreciation of Bill stems from how his personality plays as a kind of foil to his physical presence. One look at him and you would think that this guy would be bitter or at best, incomprehensible, to normal-type folks—mumbling smarter-than-thou techno-talk to himself. But Bill’s not like that at all. He’s actually got quite a bit of heart. Unlike the nerd-loner that he looks like, he is actually a very loyal friend to Neal and Sam: always up for anything, ready for adventures and making his friends laugh at his own expense. That’s endearing. Yes, Bill is an interesting individual. As I said before, he understands the value of relationships, (he carved out time in his busy adolescent schedule to watch Dallas with his mom), but at the same time, he has no problems being alone, which is obvious by how much fun he has while watching Gary Shandling’s stand-up routine after school by himself.

Bill is also hilarious in his unpredictability. Remember when he dressed up as The Bionic Woman? Remember when he danced the pop-and-lock Re-run dance? Remember when he started an episode by agreeing to drink anything that the guys concocted in a blender?

Oh, Bill. How I miss you.

I’ve received many letters from readers asking me what my favorite cartoons were as a child. Since we here at Nerd City are an accommodating lot whose purpose is to serve you, our faithful readers, I am happy to oblige.

I have chosen to include both Saturday morning cartoons as well as the after-school variety for consideration. Anything I began to enjoy after the onset of puberty was considered ineligible. This keeps the more “mature” cartoons I have enjoyed since then such as Beavis & Butthead, The Simpsons and South Park from tainting the wholesomeness of the other entries. Finally, this list is in no particular order. They are simply all presented as equally beloved.

Fat Albert

Hey hey hey Fat Albert is OK. As these lovable urban Philadelphia teenagers learned about life, I learned right along with them. They taught me the danger of drugs and stealing as well as what happens when you get your tonsils taken out (“you’ll get ice cream, ice cream.”) Show creator Bill Cosby was still learning to flex his comedic muscles and though he was a bit restricted by the children’s programming format he still managed to be both humorous and relevant. Throw in The Brown Hornet cartoon-within- a-cartoon concept and you’ve got a pretty entertaining show.

Scooby Doo

Scoob and the gang went through several different show variations. However, regardless of the format, this show was dear to me and never failed to be entertaining, (with the obvious exception of the abortion that was Scrappy Doo.) My favorite gimmick the show pulled was the introduction of celebrity guest stars- The Globetrotters, Batman, Phyllis Diller, you name it. Each one infused a fresh flavor into their episode. The real jewels of the show were the villains. We all know a hero is only as good as his nemeses and Scooby Doo delivered this in bucketloads. The 49er Miner, the 10,000 Volt Ghost and the Willawa lead this motley troupe of outstanding scoundrels. Plus, trying to solve the mystery before the gang gave the youngsters of the world a “Murder She Wrote” of their own. Thanks, Scooby, for all these years of keeping us safe from the things going bump in the night.

Mickey Mouse

This is the only primetime entry on my list. When my family got cable and, with it, the Disney channel, my favorite show became Mousterpiece Theater hosted by George Plimpton. George lorded over the cartoons in his elegant study and regal red chair. He presented the classic adventures of Mickey and his friends while including interesting trivia about each episode.

GI Joe

My favorite toy was available in cartoon form? Awesome! I remember my action figures used to like to line up on the floor of my bedroom to watch the show with me. GI Joe and Cobra would all get along for the duration of the program. But as soon as I learned that “knowing was half the battle,” all hell would erupt between the two sides.

Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears

My second Disney entry on the list doubles as a tasty treat. I prefer the white one myself. I believe this cartoon had the greatest theme song of all of our entries and is second to only Fraggle Rock as the greatest children’s show theme ever. I don’t remember much about these bears other than the fact that they lived in Gummi Glen, (a place I no doubt fantasized living in, as well), and they brewed a wonderful beverage called Gummiberry Juice. One time I tried to make my own Gummiberry Juice by melting gummi bears in the microwave. They melted, sure enough, but then hardened into sugary stone almost instantly as they cooled. I tried desperately to clean the plate before my mother could find out what I’d done and in my hasty scraping of the plate I gashed my hand open on the rigid, melted gummi bears. To this day I am confident I am the only person in the world to have cut themselves on a gummi bear.

Transformers

My other favorite toy had a cartoon, too? Who cares if I was a drone in their extensive marketing campaign? I went willingly. What a great idea Transformers were! With every purchase you got 2 toys in 1. You didn’t just get a robot, you got a car or a radio or a gun or a jet or whatever. It was like cheating. As excited as I was about the Transformers movie, I determined I was too old to go see it. I regretted this for quite some time and recently made up for it by buying the movie. Now, in my 30s, I can watch it as frequently as I want and I bear no shame about it.

Superfriends

Oh boy! What a genius idea for a cartoon! Wonder Woman, Superman, Aquaman and a multitude of other heroes were all assembled for my Saturday morning viewing pleasure. You throw in all those awesome super villains and you’ve got a can’t-fail program. The Wonder Twins could be a little tedious when you really just wanted to see Batman vs. Solomon Grundy and Mxyzptlk. It should be mentioned that the Legion of Doom is a totally cool name for an evil group. In fact, I think I just decided to change the name of my fantasy football team. The inclusion of a bunch of affirmative action heroes in the later episodes can even be forgiven because it was, after all, even more heroes to root for (albeit at a cost of less screen time for Batman.)

The Godzilla Power Hour

One time I was watching the wonderful Godzilla cartoon and I became very engrossed in the show. In fact, I was so absorbed in the program that I failed to notice my dog Skipper spilled my bowl of Fruity Pebbles and gobbled it all up off the carpet. Boy was my mom upset. Godzookie was a douche, by the way.

Spider Man and His Amazing Friends

The Marvel Universe had to throw their hat into the ring for the Saturday morning battle for my attention and they scored a hit with this show. In this case, Spidey’s “amazing friends” refer to Firestar and Iceman. The three of them formed quite a formidable team as they battled evil while still making time to make good grades in college. That’s a true testament to their herohood. I could hardly make it to class half the time and these three managed to save the world countless times and still get their homework done.

Hulk Hogan’s Rock N’ Wrestling

Can’t get enough Andre the Giant and Roddy Piper on Saturday Night’s Main Event? Me either. That’s what made this show so great. No longer were the actions of Tito Santana and the Iron Sheik confined to the wrestling ring. Now we could see how their adventures spilled out into their lives away from the arena.

Did any of your favorites make the list? Which ones did you love that I failed to mention?

This being the 10^th issue of Nerd City, I thought I would do something slightly different from my usual synopsis and review of a Star Trek episode. I want to talk about my favorite of the Star Trek movies, Star Trek: The Motion Picture. TMP, (as I will refer to it), has commonly been regarded as a disappointment, both critically and commercially. Thanks to a “Director’s Cut” released on DVD in 2001, TMP has been revisited. I, on the other hand, can say that I’ve always loved it, even before the newer, cleaner version.

I give TMP sole credit for making me a Star Trek fan. Back in the 80’s, we had a majority of our movies taped from television onto VHS tapes. I was a huge fan of The Karate Kid in those days and watched it probably three times a week. TMP was the movie that came on right after it. Most times, I would just shut the tape off after the still shot of Mr. Miyagi smiling and nodding in quiet approval at Daniel-san’s victory in the All Valley Karate Tournament. One day, I just decided to let the tape run past the opening credits of the next movie, which was my dad’s Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

My first memories of the film are some big blue thing chasing down spaceships with weird looking aliens and electric bolts making the ships disappear. I really had no idea what was going on, but I continued to watch. And I watched over and over again. I never truly got it. At one point, I remembered a scene where Kirk was talking about “Vejur.” I thought that Vejur was the alien guy from the beginning of the movie- (hilarious, as I would come to find later that the alien that I thought was Vejur was nothing more than a nameless Klingon victim).

Over the next year, from the ages of 12 to 13, I came to fall in love with TMP. I associate it with sitting in a quiet bedroom at the back of my grandma’s house by myself just watching it, thinking to myself that this big movie with these crazy effects was made when I was only 4-years-old. It’s really hard to pinpoint what it was that made me fall in love with it, but I will tell you that Jerry Goldsmith’s score had no small part in making me love it. It’s actually one of my favorite movie scores, and none of the following scores of the Star Trek movies comes close. Not even the great James Horner, commissioned to compose the score of later Trek films, could match Goldsmith’s work. Unfortunately, the TMP score is well out of print.

TMP is so obscenely different than the other Trek films. The following Trek films are so “Hollywood.” What I mean is, they appeal more to a wider audience. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that, but as a Trek fan, I can tell you that TMP captures the climate of the television series so much better than the other Trek films. There is an epic eloquence to the film that flatters the television series.

TMP has always been criticized for being too slow in telling its story. I used to agree with that. Now as I get older, I’m not sure. I still don’t necessarily disagree that you could make a good “boring” argument against it, but I think a better word to use for the movie is graceful. I’m very glad that Paramount commissioned a “Director’s Cut” of the film, although there is some cheesiness from the theater/television versions that I miss from the times that I discovered TMP.

One of the finer renovations is the setting on Vulcan. The scene is a little brighter, and the two statues under which the Kolinahr ceremony takes place are more defined. With the “Director’s Cut” it’s really hard to tell just WHEN the film was made. It could have been made in 1990 just as well as 1979. My favorite part of the movie, which we didn’t get to experience with the ABC network version, is the overture at the beginning of the film. We get a performance of “Ilia’s Theme” behind a backdrop of stars. It’s like sitting in a planetarium. Outside of the context of the movie, “Ilia’s Theme” works as the perfect musical accompaniment for the wonderment of space. Can you imagine being there in 1979, in the movie theater with your intense love for Star Trek, and space in general, in high anticipation of seeing your heroes reunited with that beautiful music going on? And then…………BAAM!!….you get the huge, anthemic Jerry Goldsmith theme to Star Trek to accompany the opening credits.

Well, that was pretty nerdy. Which is definitely what I am.

Dr. Rog here, reporting from Boston, MA. I just finished up the week at Tech Ed 2006. It’s one of Microsoft’s annual conferences for IT people of all sorts where Microsoft and other vendors show off their new applications and technologies. This year over 12,000 developers, network people, and other IT types attended the five day event at Boston’s huge Massachusetts Convention Center.

A ton of Microsoft employees and managers were on hand to give presentations and answer questions. Most of the hour-and-fifteen minute presentation sessions were lead by Microsoft program managers who know pretty much everything there is to know about whatever topic they’re talking about… as they should, since they or their employees wrote the software. Most of the sessions I went to were really good and I learned a lot of interesting and useful stuff. Along with the sessions, the Microsoft people were available to answer questions face to face on the convention center floor. It’s really kind of a unique experience to just be able to walk up to the guy who created a certain feature in Visual Studio and ask him specific questions about it.

We had these small Mini-Guides that outlined the sessions for each day. Session titles ranged from the strictly descriptive (“Next Generation Data Access in .NET Applications with ADO.NET vNext”) to the slightly creative (“Software as a Service: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”) to the rare metaphor-inclusive (“Bits to Bolts: Bridging the Gap Between the Solutions and Infrastructure Architecture”) to the wow-that’s-ridiculously-long (“Deep Dive into Increasing Your Information Worker’s Productivity with Tight Integration between the Microsoft Office System and Microsoft Dynamics AX”). Bad session names at a Microsoft event should not come as a surprise, though, because Microsoft has a habit of giving their apps long names. (The next version of Office is called 2007 Microsoft Office System instead of just Office 2007 and Hotmail is about to be renamed Windows Live Mail. I much prefer Google’s simple and straightforward name, Gmail.)

People who know me will vouch that I am no Microsoft fanboy. Over the years I’ve been critical of how slow they are to roll out new stuff and how, because of their giant user base, they are basically forced to design their applications to fit the needs of the lowest common denominator, which usually makes for a pretty boring, under-powered application. From what I’ve seen this week, I have to admit that Microsoft is actually doing some really cool things. From a developer standpoint, they are really focusing on helping web site authors easily create really cool “Web 2.0” sites, (think Google Maps, Yahoo Mail beta, and Gmail), AND they are actually going out of their way to support Firefox. At some of the sessions the presenters actually did all their demos in Firefox which was really surprising, and everything worked cross-platform, which was even more surprising. I saw a lot of new Vista, (the next version of Windows, out in early 2007), stuff and it was all good – nice graphics, new features for experienced users, and just an overall better and more responsive system.

It’s been a really long week and I’m exhausted. I was kind of reluctant going into the conference. Based on their general track record, I doubted that Microsoft would have much of anything really great to show. It may not be the “cool” thing to say, but from what I saw this week I’m actually optimistic about the direction in which Microsoft is heading. They’ve made a lot of changes to their developer tools and to the Vista operating system with the goal of making things work more easily and better. Overall, it seems that Microsoft is really focusing on salvaging the image they’ve let slowly corrode over the last 10 years and with their next generation of applications, I think they may actually go a long way towards accomplishing this.

“The aliens will be striking at midnight,” thought one of the students. “No,” stated another thought that resides in the same student’s head, “aliens are not real because I have never seen one.” “Actually,” stated yet another thought, “aliens do exist because mine eyes have seen them.” This thought was strange, yet different. It had a different scent and commanded a different action. This thought, as they say, spoke in British tones. It was, therefore, sophisticated and charming. Somehow, its knowledge and validity was founded upon the rock of its own accent.

This aforementioned exchange took place in the head of one Pedro Mooney. Pedro was an intelligent…… perhaps I am being generous with this term. Let me begin again. Pedro was alive and breathing, mostly due to his enlarged heart. However, this will come into play later. For now, be patient. I, the author, command it. He was not Spanish, to clarify for the racial profiler who might be reading this story. He was, in fact, Canadian. Well, actually he was ½ Canadian, ½ Swede, and ¼ Dutch. He was a large boy and his mother was 100% whorish.

Pedro sat in his seat in Senior English, pondering the existence of aliens and the validity of the Brits. He had no idea what he wanted to do in life. He just could not find his place in this world. For the most part, he was a normal boy. But Pedro never knew the value of a dollar. Perhaps that is why he grew up poor. He was constantly working, but never really made any money. Still, he grinned incessantly like an idiot.

Actually, now that I think about it, I remember Pedro in my English class. He really wasn’t that intelligent at all. I began this story as a fictitious one. Who knew it would be based on actual events? Yeah, Pedro was the kid of whom we used to make fun. He had an enlarged heart which explained his disproportioned body. We used to call him “tub-thumper,” not because of the Chumbawumba album, but because his heart could literally fill an entire tub. I bet that heart pumped a lot of blood. Is that why he died…too much blood? That can’t be true. As the old heavy metal saying goes: “there is no such thing as too much blood.” And metal is the most valid form of music on the planet today. I would highly consider anything metal over a doctor’s report. It’s harder and more durable. Come to think of it, the doctor wasn’t even British. There is no way his reports could even be in the vicinity of valid.

I bet Pedro’s death has something to do with his getting hit by that car. And you know what? I saw the scene. There really wasn’t that much blood at all. I think Pedro never really had an enlarged heart. I knew it! He was an illegal immigrant from Mexico who feigned this illness in order that no one would send him back. He played on our sympathies and knew that our superior Christian ethics would not allow us to even consider suspecting a boy with such a moral crime. I thought he did extremely well in Spanish class for a ½ Canadian, ½ Swede, ¼ Dutch boy. This is exactly why we should build a highly secure barbed-wire fence between the U.S. and Mexico.

We here at Nerd City have a lot of respect for superheroes in all their incarnations- print, movie, and myth. Thus, this new Superhero Information Initiative. I figured it would be a good idea to kick things off in grand style with the granddaddy of them all…

On Superman

In a few days, a new movie will open, featuring a certain character by the name of “Superman.” Have you ever heard of this guy? He flies around by his own locomotive power in blue tights and a red speedo and a cape. His hair is perfect. Just like the Werewolves of London. I would say he is stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. So, you have heard of him?

Of course you have. Superman is the omnipresent pop culture archetype of a superhero. I don’t even read comics or get overly excited by comic book movies and even I know something about Superman. I mean, the red and yellow S crest is burned into my retinas as deeply as the Coca-Cola logo. And there’s all the songs. I can think of tons of songs that mention or allude to him just off the top of my head: REM, Our Lady Peace, Crash Test Dummies, Blindside, Five for Fighting, Three Doors Down… Even that goofy bastard Sloth in The Goonies knew who Superman was. Is there any character that even comes close to his identifiabilty?

I’m sure there are comic book historians much more knowledgeable than I who can tell me which superheroes came before him, but in my book Superman is the OG hero. First of all, he’s strong. I’ve seen him lift busses and other heavy stuff. He’s got a six-pack. And like I said, he’s quite handsome, in a fifties kind of way. What I’ve always liked about Supe was his insistence on using his powers for the good of humanity, unlike Nietzsche’s ubermensch. Superman could just as easily have used his super strength to break into all of the banks in the world, flown around the globe really fast to reverse time and do it again in the past multiple times, and then used all the money to finance an unstoppable presidential campaign and then muscle all kinds of crazy self-serving legislation through Congress with his good looks and charm. But that’s not Superman’s style. Instead, he tries to help people in need. I think that’s probably a requirement to qualify as a superhero. There’s a pretty big Messianic thread running through the character of Superman, but that’s fodder for another, much more in-depth discussion.

But here’s one of the really interesting things about Superman—the alter ego. Everybody knows, (well, not everybody), that Superman also has a day job as a “regular guy.” (Whether or not he is in fact a “regular guy” is up for debate. Are regular guys so reticent around a woman like Lois Lane? Stammering out the simplest greeting seems so hard for him. Is this “regular” or is it socially awkward?) I wonder why his creators felt the need for this weakness as well as his famous aversion to kryptonite. Can we not handle perfection, both outward and inward? Do we need weakness in characters so as to better relate to them? Are flawed heroes more interesting? If the purpose of a hero is to inspire us, can we not find equal inspiration in perfection? Or was weakening Superman more of a plot concern? Maybe the Kryptonite weakness allows for more interesting plots in that it makes it possible for Superman to have actual enemies. I guess no one wants to read issue after issue or watch movie after movie of Superman kicking ass without a challenge.

Anyway, Superman raises lots of questions, as a good character probably should. In many ways, he is a flying dichotomy-superhuman yet human, a symbol of strength with a debilitating weakness, an avatar of justice and pragmatist morality yet still susceptible to loneliness.

All this merely to say- “Hats off to the Man of Steel.”

General Zod was on his way home from the grocery store when he decided to take a shortcut through the alley. As he neared the end of the alley he scarcely had time to hear “Hey kid, c’mere” before he was struck in the face by snowball. Enraged, he quickly spun around to discover the identity of his assailant. As Zod turned, his eyes met the vilest pair of yellow eyes he had ever seen.

Scott Farkus stared General Zod down from the opposite end of the alley, slowly licking his lips as he bounced a second snowball in his hand.

Zod spoke softly yet authoritatively, “Do you dare speak to General Zod?”

Farkus glared back and quipped “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to your Aunt Tilly.” He fired the second snowball at Zod. “Now get over here and give me your milk money.”

General Zod didn’t flinch as he responded with a laser shot from his eyes. The laser continued straight through the snowball and knocked Scott Farkus’ coonskin cap from his head, singing it beyond repair.

In an instant, Zod was upon Farkus. Fueled by rage he punched Scott in the face as hard as his might would allow. Zod’s fist went straight through Scott’s head like a cannonball hitting a watermelon. Brains and skull exploded across the alley, glistening in the sun in a rainbow arc. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men would have little chance of putting Farkus’ head back together again.

Scott had clearly bitten off more than he could chew this time. He should have known if he couldn’t win a fight against Ralphie that he stood little chance against the might of a Kryptonian on a planet fueled by our yellow sun.

View Tournament Bracket

Silently, Elle Driver stalked her prey through the forest. It was easy enough to follow the monstrous Grendel with his pungent musk and husky breathing cutting through the still night air. Gazing at his hulking form, she steeled herself for the impending battle and hoped it would be quick.

Grendel stopped at the brook to have a drink of water. He was quite thirsty after feasting on the denizens of the village in the valley below. As he knelt and savored the cool water he thought he detected movement behind him.

California Mountain Snake struck with a flash. Her Hanzo blade split the air and struck Grendel soundly in the soft spot where his neck met shoulder. She had hoped to end his life with a single, quick blow. Unfortunately, she was unaware that special magics protected Grendel from damage by a sword.

With a shriek, Grendel’s backhand sent Elle sprawling. Staggered, she struggled to compose herself but Grendel was upon her. Grasping her leg in his meaty mitts he swung her body against a nearby Oak. The blow broke three of her ribs and shattered her pelvis. Fortunately, Pai Mei taught Elle everything she needed to know about pain and she was able to focus past it to the task at hand.

Elle’s fingers found the familiar grip of the .45 holstered at her side. She whipped it up and emptied it into Grendel’s hairy chest. Grendel howled in shock and pain and then crumpled in a heap. Evidently his protective magics had never heard of bullets before.

Elle smiled with the satisfaction of accomplishment and whistled a happy tune as she settled into the grim task of dragging herself out of the forest.

View Tournament Bracket