Issue 12:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
A while back, I thought I had put away childish things. At the grand old age of 29, with a job and a mortgage, I thought I had fallen into the pit of adulthood with no strength or desire to pull myself out. But then I realized little habits and joys from my childhood have crept back. For instance, every now and then I’ll make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and lemonade for lunch and all will be right with the world. Or consider this: just recently I bought a toaster for the first time with the express intent of enjoying pop tarts for breakfast. Oh sure, I could tell myself that it was for enjoying more adult faire like turkey basil panini on toasted rye or something sophisticated like that. But I know the truth. My taste buds had relapsed back to when I needed that frosted cherry goodness and the resultant sugar rush just to get through a busy day of bike riding, skateboarding and chasing cats and squirrels through the neighborhood. Even though those simple days are long gone, I can still ruminate. A few times I have been reminded of one of the single most exciting developments I saw during my growing-up years: a little device called The Atari. (Cue the angelic choir and rays of light gleaming on the faux wood console.)
I don’t remember when exactly the Atari became available for middle class families or how old I was. But I do remember how my experience with the Atari started with myth. The coolness of the Atari gaming system was transmitted at first through a mystical oral tradition. Whispers of this incredible new device floated on the wind, it seemed, as kids talked in class and on the playground and in neighborhood backyards and my older brothers looked through giant Sears catalogs as if they were chunky compendiums of pornography, (the catalog, not my brothers.) Once or twice I even saw kids surreptitiously trade little black cartridges adorned with awesomely detailed, other-worldly artwork on stickers. And they had to be quite stealthy as they made the transfer from one bookbag to the other. Otherwise the teacher would confiscate them and use them on her Atari at home.
But this kind of observational half-knowledge would be the sum total of all I would ever know of the Atari. For, sadly, when the time came for my family to leap into the world of 80’s home video gaming systems, for whatever reason, they went with Atari’s competitor-the Intellivision. (Never heard of it, right? Click here for more info.) I can only imagine what that “whatever reason” was, since I was too young at the time to be privy to the discussions preceding the decision. Did my brothers plant a misguided bug in my parents’ ears? Did my parents key into the intelli- in the name and think they were buying the gaming system for smarter kids? Was it cheaper than the Atari? I don’t know. All I really know is that Intellivision was the Beta to the obvious VHS that was Atari.
The worst part was having to explain to all the kids at school when they asked me what my favorite Atari game was. “We don’t have Atari. We have Intellivision,” I would awkwardly have to say, as they couldn’t even feign interest in this thing they’d never heard of. When the word “Atari,” rolls off a kids’ tongue so easily, no kid should should have to recite the syllables “in-tell-i-”- anything. And while all the other kids were playing awesome mindless classics like Frogger and Centipede and Joust, my family was heavily into a game called Utopia, the goal of which was to develop an island society that lives in harmony with another island, if I remember correctly. Two words: Nerd City.
I don’t think it’s too dramatic to say that this situation of home entertainment lameness helped shape me in my early childhood. Rather than try to relate with and explain myself to other kids with hipper, more culturally with-it families, I probably thought that it was easier just to withdraw and save myself the trouble. I wound up being a pretty shy kid and a pretty shy adult. Oh, so sad.
So let this serve as a cautionary tale to all you parents out there with young kids. Whatever you do, buy them the coolest, most popular stuff that’s available. Do they want a robotic dog? Get it! Do they want a zircon-encrusted cell phone-mp3 player-with-email? Get it at once! Go into huge amounts of debt if you have to. Don’t do it for your child’s happiness. There’s something more important at stake: your child’s future happiness.
Issue 12:
Life in Space
By
Mr. Atoz, The Librarian
I’m taking another break this week from an episode review. Let’s take a look at my favorite alien races from the Star Trek universe. In fact, I have decided to rank my top five alien races. This is another case where you newer fans will have to indulge me my Original Series bias. I did not include the Cardassians, (a very cool alien race that is used by the Trek universe to present the complexities of what we perceive to be violent cultures in our own world), or the Borg. My top five are all races that made appearances in the Original Series. Here we go:
5. Gorn – I’m always going to love a reptilian alien race in a science fiction serial. The Gorn made their first appearance in the episode Arena. They are first presented as mysterious alien invaders that wipe out a planet. We don’t see an actual Gorn until about a third of the way through the episode. When we first see the Gorn, we are taken aback to how monstrous they appear. Their attack on the planet seems so cerebral and calculated, and yet their physical appearance is that of a lizard. The Gorn captain, which battles Kirk in hand-to-hand combat on the planet, talks and sounds sort of cheesy. I would have preferred the Gorn captain to not speak English. It would add to the intrigue of how such a primal physical appearance could be so cerebral.
4. Orions – We don’t know much about the Orions aside from the fact that they are green and the females of the race have animalistic sexual appetites. That’s good enough for me. I’m not at all familiar with the Animated Series, but apparently the Orions are portrayed in this series as a pirate race. I don’t know how canonized this fact is, but as a result, I’ve always regarded them as pirates, too. Males that are pirates……….females that are sexual beasts. Spec-tacular. Once again, we know very little about them, which adds to their appeal.
3. Romulans – In TOS, the Romulans are the other alien race that is presented as the Federation’s foil. The Romulans make their first appearance in Balance of Terror. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of this episode because it flows too slowly and two-thirds of the episode focuses on the chess game. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I love how they are introduced to us. I love how Kirk tells the entire crew of the Enterprise how no one of their generation has ever laid eyes on a Romulan since their great war with Earth some 100 years prior, and how we see the map of the neutral zone. The Romulan Star Empire just sounds cool. Then, when we first see a Romulan, he has the appearance of a Vulcan. In some of what I’ve read, (once again, not sure how much of this is canonized), the Romulan ancestors were Vulcans who waived away the Vulcan disregard of emotion and passion and adoption of the purity of logic. I’ve only read this once on a brief timeline of Vulcan history that may not have been more than a fan creation. I’m a fan of the Romulan sense of honor. However this characteristic in their military culture seems to have been lost in sequential appearances. The Romulans have subsequently been presented by Trek storytellers as a simple reflection of the Soviet Union. They weren’t presented with a whole lot of depth. I still find them a joy to watch, especially in episodes and stories related to their brother culture, the Vulcans.
2. Tholians – Another race we don’t know much about. We do get some amount of insight into their tactics and characteristics, and they appear to vary widely. “The famous Tholian punctuality,” Spock observes as the Tholians fire upon the Enterprise, after the Tholians give our heroes a precise amount of time to clear themselves of Tholian space. The only glimpse of the appearance of any member of the Tholian Assembly is a staticy, Sphinx-like image with a high-pitched alien voice. The Tholians also have a tactical defense maneuver called the Tholian web, which is where two Tholian ships wrap one ship into a weblike energy field. Don’t ask me to explain it. Kudos to the creative staff that came up with this alien race, however. They are definitely the most mysterious of all the Trek aliens.
1. Vulcans – What more can we say about Vulcans that hasn’t already been said? The Vulcan culture is so fascinating to me, as is their history. Once living on their scorching sand planet as barbaric nomads, the Vulcans saw the error in emotion and passion leading to the demise of their race, and embraced logic. They adopted the mantra that logic leads to the preservation of life. I’ve always wondered about that. There is good and bad in that philosophy. The good is that there is a logical solution that can be applied to every problem, both big and small. The bad is that logic can’t bring joy and goodness. As humans, we are either inborn or nurtured to believe a strange irony: that the bad things of life make life a little sweeter. It’s the unpredictability of life that fuels us. We take the bad if it means getting the good. Logic only brings about solution; there is no subjective “good” or “bad.” The complexities of logic are often addressed in Trek lore.
Issue 12:
Spotlight on Technology
By
Dr. Roger Korby
A term I’ve seen cropping up in blogs lately is ‘disruptive technology’. It’s basically the introduction of a new approach or solution to a problem that replaces the old dominant solutions. Over the last five to ten years broadband internet, (of either cable or DSL variety), has introduced a lot of disruptive technologies and has itself been disruptive. One of the latest disruptive technologies made available through broadband is Voice over IP (IP in turn means internet protocol, but no one ever actually says these words). I’ll mostly refer to it as VOIP, (pronounced “vee-oh-eye-pee” or “voip” with an oy sound.) VOIP is basically any technology that allows for voice conversations to be sent over the internet. Since it uses your existing internet connection, and the internet already covers most the globe, you can talk to anyone anywhere in the broadband enabled world for no cost beyond your internet fee. This is by far the most appealing feature of VOIP and it is what potentially has telephone companies loosing sleep, (more on this later.)
There are different ways to implement Voice over IP. Some forms of VOIP use software and a microphone on a computer. Others use a special stand-alone VOIP phone that can plug into your internet router. VOIP has been around for a long time in the business and research world, but only in the last few years has VOIP really made it into the home.
Vonage, Cox digital telephone and others offer VOIP solutions that reuse your existing regular telephones. In both cases you need a special router that has a phone jack built in. This router knows how to translate what you are speaking into data packets that can travel over the internet. These packets are then sent to some servers at Vonage or Cox that are connected to the real, existing phone network.
The other main approach to VOIP uses your computer. Most, if not all, the main Instant Messaging clients (Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, Google Talk, AIM) now have some sort of “voice chat” feature that is basically just VOIP. It takes what you say into your computer’s microphone, translates it into data, compresses it so that it takes less time to transmit, and sends it to another person, (or persons if the program supports conferencing.)
There is another set of instant-messaging like programs that are primarily about VOIP. A few such programs are Skype and Gizmo. These offer some features that the other IM apps don’t have, (yet.) Things like the ability to call a real phone from your computer, receive voice mail, and record conversations. Kind of an interesting side-note… EBay recently bought Skype for the pretty inconceivable price of 2.6 billion, (with a ‘b’), dollars. Skype charges a small fee for some of its advanced features, (calling real phones, voice mail, etc…) but you can use its basic features for free. Only a small percentage of its customers use its paid services, (only like 5%, I think I’ve read), so people were pretty much at a loss to understand why EBay would pay such a high price. Since the buyout they’ve released some plans for integrating Skype into the EBay auction process, (for example: a potential buyer could push a button to talk to the seller about the item.) It’s a great technology and all, but I still think they paid way too much for it.
Several companies are building new kinds of VOIP enabled devices that are looking pretty cool. One such device is a cell phone-sized Wi-Fi phone that can get on Skype’s network. With this device you could make free calls anywhere you had access to a Wi-Fi connection, (work, your friend’s house, Panera Bread.)
As for what VOIP is like on a day-to-day basis, I can say from personal experience that it is a huge time and money saver. I work from home twice a week and I will get on Skype or MSN Messenger and talk to my coworkers on and off the whole day – sometimes, for an hour at a time, if we are working through the details of a project feature or troubleshooting something. My notebook has built in speakers and a microphone, so it really just seems like the other person is in the room with you. Before I started using VOIP, I would use up a ton of cell phone minutes just during the work day. My parents live in Asia and since I don’t have international calling on my cell phone plan, VOIP makes talking to them possible and cheap.
If I had to come up with a complaint about VOIP it would be the way your voice data is compressed. Compressing the sound makes it quicker, (and cheaper), to transmit over the internet, but compression always degrades sound quality. Of the various VOIP clients I’ve used, you could usually tell that there was some kind of compression involved, but mostly it’s not that bad. Also, every now and then your VOIP conversations will skip or drop. This is probably related to what you are doing with the rest of your broadband connection. If you’re maxing out your upload quota with Bit-Torrent, (see a future Spotlight on Technology), VOIP is probably going to have some performance issues.
Is VOIP something to be afraid of? If your business depends on the old way we communicated, (standard long distance telephone calls), then I would say, yes – VOIP has the potential to do a lot of damage. We are quickly moving towards a time when all forms of media and communications, (phone, TV, internet, [insert non-existent future medium here]), will move digitally over one giant pipe in and out of our homes and businesses. If your company’s service or product uses a pipe besides this one, (analog phone calls, for example), I would say your days are numbered. Maybe I’m just insensitive, but my stance on companies who are on the losing end of a disruptive technology is that it is just too bad that they didn’t see where things were heading and bring about the innovation themselves.
Issue 12:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Scar |
|
Name: Audery 2 |
| Occupation: Lion King |
vs. |
Occupation: Scenery |
| Origin: Disney’s The Lion King |
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Origin: Little Shop of Horrors |
Scar walked along the jungle path with his hyena friend Shenzi. Scar was giving orders when he heard a sudden whooshing sound and abruptly Shenzi was nowhere to be found. Scar menacingly called out for him, irritated he had disappeared when he turned and found himself facing a 15-foot plant with a hyena’s leg and tail sticking out of his mouth.
Scar angrily advanced at Audrey 2, questioning, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”
Audrey 2 replied, “I’m hungry sucka, and you’re next!”
Scar said “oooh…watch as I quiver with fear” and immediately let loose a magnificent roar.
Audrey said, “Appetizer’s done and now it’s time for the main course!” as he bent down and scooped up scar into his massive mouth. Audrey began to chew and swallow as a satisfied grin spread across his face. However, that smile quickly disappeared as he soon realized something was terribly wrong.
Audrey’s stem suddenly split from the inside as scar’s powerful paw clawed itself free. Audrey 2 had time to utter “Oh shhh” just before he was completely ripped apart from the inside.
His fur slick with plant goo, Scar laid down on the jungle path and began to lick his wounds.
View Tournament Bracket
Issue 12:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
Name: Norman Bates
|
|
Name: Norman Osborne, “The Green Goblin”
|
Occupation: Motel Owner
|
vs. |
Occupation: Super Villain
|
| Origin: Psycho |
|
Origin: Spider Man |
The Green Goblin was out for a joy ride across America on his glider. It was a beautiful, sunny day and he lost himself as he daydreamed his way in and out of the clouds. Suddenly, his reverie was disrupted by an alarm going off on his glider. He was out of fuel and was going down quickly! No longer able to control the glider, the Green Goblin plummeted helplessly to the Earth. His descent abruptly concluded as he crashed through the roof of an old hotel. His momentum carried him through the roof and down through several stories of the hotel down to the ground floor lobby.
The Goblin’s life was spared on account of his super tough skin and armor being able to withstand the impact but he was certainly dazed. Among the debris scattered around him was a mass of something that looked like a crushed, mummified old woman. He thought to himself that the fall must have dazed him more than he originally believed.
Suddenly, Norman Bates rushed through the door in an effort to discern the source of the tremendous disturbance he had heard. He was two steps in the door when he spotted his mother’s mangled corpse. Sounding like a banshee who’s caught his member in his zipper he cried out “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Bates was in a rage. “What have you done? Don’t you know a boy’s best friend is his mother?” As he spoke he grabbed a large knife and advanced at the Goblin who still lay stunned on the floor.”
With all his might Norman Bates brought the knife down into Norman Osborne’s back, the blade shattering against the defense of the Goblin’s armor.
Osborne rolled over and grabbed Bates by the waistband of his pants. With his other arm the Goblin swiftly stuffed a pumpkin bomb down the front of Bates’ pants and then leaped clear of the blast radius.
The bomb exploded with a thunderclap and painted the room in various shades of Bates.
The Goblin dusted himself off and set about looking for some glider fuel.
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