Issue 14:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
Medulla Vesuvius
In today’s installment of the Superhero Information Initiative, I bring you some discourse on a controversial figure. For those who don’t read titles, I’ll spare you the suspense and just tell you. Today I’m going to talk about Batman. Before the controversy, let me give you some of the concrete details: Batman first appeared in a comic book in 1939, one year after Superman’s first appearance. Like a lot of comic book heroes, he has an alter-ego, namely Bruce Wayne, a wealthy industrialist who lost his parents at the age of eight. Unlike a lot of comic book characters with a secret identity, Wayne is charming and confident, not the nerdy, mathlete-type.
Like Spider-Man, his crime-fighting was inspired by great personal tragedy. Little Bruce watched as his parents were murdered in front of him. He was taken in by Alfred Pennyworth, the Butler. Vowing to fight crime from then on, he traveled around the world to study criminology, forensics, and fighting. As the DC Comics website says, due to his travels and studies, he became “quite possibly the greatest martial artist alive” and “a master detective with a brilliant deductive mind.”
He has been depicted in comics, television, and movies alternately in campy ways, (ahem, Adam West), and in noir-ish, gritty, violent ways, (Frank Miller’s comic-book depiction as The Dark Knight in the 70s and 80s), which was probably the inspiration for Tim Burton’s cinematic version, which opened the floodgates for all manner of gothic comic book adaptations that continue today.
As Jack Nicholson’s Joker noted in the first Burton movie, Batman does his thing with a host of “wonderful toys”: his bulletproof, fire-resistant costume; his famous utility belt- stuffed full of gadgets and climbing apparati, (and shark repellent); and the Batmobile, in addition to a bunch of angular, futuristic vehicles, which he keeps hidden safely in his Batcave.
Those are most of the facts of the character of Batman. Now, for the opinions…
Batman is a lame-o.
“How can you say that, Medulla? Batman’s an awesome superhero!” some of you might say.
Well, listen, you. Batman’s not even a superhero. He’s a hero, I’ll gladly grant you. But even though he’s highly accomplished at martial arts and has a phenomenal mind and moral imperative, etc.–at no point can he or will he transcend human capabilities. He’s not super. He’s excellent. He’s an excellenthero, but not a superhero.
Why do you think he’s such pals with Superman, who transcends human potential because of something to do with the earth’s yellow sun? He’s either riding Superman’s cape-tails to success, or he’s afraid to have Superman as an enemy, that’s why.
Batman is basically a child of privilege who grew up in a mansion and became a glorified private detective who can fight. Aside from the costume and gadgets, there’s really not much difference between Batman and Magnum PI.
Speaking of the costume, Bruce Wayne chose the bat motif so as to be more intimidating to criminals. How weak is that? A bat? Ohhhh, real scary!
Why not Satan-man? Or Soul-devourer? Or The-Cruel-Icy-Hand-Of-Fate-Man? Or Criminals-Will-Inhabit-The-Seventh-And-Eighth-Circles-Of-Hell-Man? Bats are about as scary as the introduction to a Scooby-Doo cartoon.
And then, of course, there’s Robin, his sidekick. Some have proposed that Robin serves the same role for Batman that “Dear Watson” served for Sherlock Holmes. That’s the classiest possible interpretation of their relationship. I will not linger on the famous “Batman and Robin as gay lovers” accusation first made in 1954 by Fredric Wertham in his anti-comics book Seduction of the Innocents. I tend to think that Batman just kept Robin around so as to have a scapegoat to feed his need for intellectual superiority, probably attained while traveling around the world and living amongst the Europeans. Damn euros.
I defy you to find a more overrated “superhero” than Batman.
Issue 14:
Tit-for-Tat
By
Medulla Vesuvius and Rascal Stallion
It’s an argument as old as The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones. Or TO-MA-TO vs. TO-MAH-TO. Or Calvinism vs. Wesleyanism: Which singer, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar, is the true singer for Van Halen? (Former Extreme singer Gary Cherone is excluded as history shows him to be an apocryphal member of the band.) Today, Medulla Vesuvius, (Tit), discusses the relative virtues of each with his adversary, Rascal Stallion, (Tat). Let’s join the conversation…
Tit: OK, so the version of Van Halen with Sammy Hagar is obviously inferior to the one with David Lee Roth. Any fool can see that. For one thing there’s the balance of names: David LEE Roth. Edward VAN Halen. Alex VAN Halen. Three guys with three parts to their names. They are the triune-named trinity of rock. I think you overlook that fact at your own peril.
Tat: (Conspicuous lack of response on the part of Rascal Stallion.)
Tit: As far as vocal stylings are concerned, Dave brought more of a “party-boy” type of vibe to the band, with all of his little asides and speaking parts- i.e. “I’ve always liked those kinds of high-heels, too,” “Have you seen Junior’s grades?” or “Reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back…” A natural singer Dave was not, but I think he brought a certain looseness to the band that made it seem like these guys were having fun. What does Sammy bring to the table? Drama. Dave would have never allowed lyrics like “Baby, just spread your wings,” or any video remotely related to The Blue Angels. I can’t really think of a ballad on any of the first Van Halen records. And everybody knows that ballads are for suckers.
Tat: If the job title includes the word singer then you would infer that singing was an integral part of the job. When it comes to singing, Roth simply cannot compare to the abilities of Hagar. While Sammy has a strong voice that is capable of a good tone while still full of some rocking raspiness, Dave has a vocal range slightly above that of Marlee Matlin.
If asked to sing each other’s material Sammy would at least be able to get through all of the Dave era stuff. Dave wouldn’t last through the first chorus of any Sammy song he might attempt.
Tit: I think the band suffered sound-wise a little bit once Sammy came along. 5150 and OU812 are victims of the sterile, early digital sound that was becoming popular around that time in the 80s, which isn’t Sammy’s fault, but is another reason I’ll take the Roth-era music. The drum sounds on those first Hagar albums are just so tiny and sound like Alex was playing one little drum. And I hate to say it, but even though Eddie’s technique was still mind-blowing, the sounds themselves were a little lifeless and over-effected for awhile there.
Tat: Sammy is a capable musician. With his ability to play the guitar he adds a new dimension to Van Halen that David simply could not. With Roth, Eddie was somewhat handcuffed in what he could do with his guitar. Once Sammy arrived and was able to take over some of the more mundane stuff, Eddie was free to take his wizardry to new heights.
One argument Dave fans like to use is that he is the superior showman to Sammy. While I would concede this point I would contend that the gap between the two is not so severe in this regard. Sure you’re not going to see Sammy jump up and pop a balloon with his foot but it’s not like he hobbled around the stage on palsy crutches.
Hagar excelled in a solo career before joining Van Halen. In that regard he was used to being solely responsible for getting the crowd off. Joining Van Halen must have been such a relief to him to have 3 other bandmates with which to share that task.
Tit: OK, then. Let’s talk some specifics. There’s just simply no beating some of the Roth-era songs: “Running With the Devil,” Album1, Track 1. What a way to introduce your band to the world! How about “Jump?” It’s instantly identifiable, after just one note. “Panama,” “Beautiful Girls,” “Dance the Night Away,” “Hot for Teacher,” “Drop Dead Legs,” “Unchained,” “Atomic Punk,” “Jamie’s Cryin’?” Come on, man! The Roth era just rocked! And even when they did a mid-tempo song like “Jamie’s Cryin’,” there was still such a cocksure attitude! No grating-voiced philosophy. Just full on rock n’ roll that was somehow simultaneously simple and impressive.
Tat: “Right Now” is a much better stadium anthem than “Jump.” Sure, “Jump” is nice when you’re getting ready for a tip ball at a hoops game but very few songs set the stage for drama like “Right Now.” That piano starts doing it’s opening run and the home team bursts out of the tunnel or the skaters start looping around the ice and you just know that somebody is about to get their ass kicked.
Conclusion: Sammy was the natural progression of the band. As the band matured, Dave and his antics became obsolete. These four guys had more or less grown up together, only Dave never really grew up. He was like the old friend from high school who never really adapted to life afterward. Sure he’s occasionally fun to have around, but as time goes on, you realize he’s still living in the past. You’ve got your new friends from college and he just doesn’t really fit in, anymore. The old jokes just stop being funny anymore.
The band weren’t kids anymore and they needed a more sophisticated singer…
Conclusion:…Which I suppose is the reason they went on to fire Hagar after a few years? To continue your metaphor, I guess Gary Cherone would have been their friend they met at their jobs at the bank who they thought was a cool guy, but once they really got to know him outside of work, they found out he’s kind of lame.
Agree to Disagree.
Issue 14:
Various and Sundry
By
Statica
He beat the hamburger patties without mercy.
“The Butcher,” as he liked to be called, showed less grace with his victim with each blow, hoping the beef would know a small amount of the pain he felt. As I walked into the room, I asked “The Butcher” one question: “What is your beef with the beef?” I then laughed out loud, (lol), at my aforementioned pun which I mentioned less than 22 words ago. Remember when I used the word beef in two different ways with the intent that the reader would pick up on the two different meanings of the same word used in the same phrase and find its conclusion to be humorous in nature?
As I pondered whether or not to type that statement I thought to myself in my mind: “You only live once, just go for it. After all, what do you have to lose?” I then answered myself, imagining that I was a hunter standing over my fresh kill, saying: “Don’t wuss out. You are the hunter and these words are thy victim. You hold the power of life and death. With every stroke of the key you can force kingdoms to crumble and enemies to be defeated, to be cast into everlasting darkness where there is no light, hope, or even a hint of a fresh, outdoor scent. You, author, are the butcher and these words are your beef. Pound them mercilessly until the reader knows your pain and suffering.”
Just then I began to criticize my hunting skills. First of all, I am not a very good shot. I was never good at killing rabbits or prairie dogs with my .22 when I was in Jr. High. Secondly, I am not a good “sidler.” I can’t really sneak up on anyone, being that my shoes squeak like that weird kid in my high school class. You know, the kid who always walked around with a gait not unlike a duck wearing constantly soiled trousers? I pretty much hunt like that guy, the only exception being that I do not smell of rotten flesh.
However, if I am going to hunt words with great skill, I need to become what words prey upon. What is it that will draw the words to my mind and my attention? Deer hunters soak themselves in deer urine. What “word urine” or “grammar piss,” (as it is more commonly known), can I soak myself in to attract the words that will once again divide this nation into two powerful halves? I figure we have a better chance of taking over the world if there are two of us. Aren’t two heads better than one? Maybe one of us could sneak around while the other is distracting the enemy, (perhaps an Arab nation of some sort…..or at least someone who doesn’t speak the same language, maybe France), by making strange noises or spinning about like a dreidel, and stab France or Iran or whoever in the head with a bowie knife. After all, what’s more American than a bowie knife…apple pie? I don’t think so. At least this knife bears the name of a progressive English musician who penned such classics as, “The Man Who Sold the World,” and “Heroes.” What did apple pie ever do for America, make us fatter? Thank you, apple pie, for killing us softly with your texture and sweet taste.
So, in conclusion, it is not completely illogical for me to conclude with this concluding thought: Apple pie is the real American enemy.
Issue 14:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Khan Noonien Singh |
|
Name: M Bison |
| Occupation: Genetically Engineered Superman |
vs. |
Occupation: Boss |
| Origin: Star Trek |
|
Origin: Street Fighter video game |
M. Bison landed his ship on Ceti Alpha V and upon debarking, found himself face-to- face with Khan.
As Khan saw the ship he knew this was his chance to escape the planet. He approached Bison and said, “If you’ll excuse me, I must have your ship.”
Khan grabbed a steel pipe and lunged at Bison. Bison, surprised by Khan’s fury, reacted slowly and feebly raised his arm in defense, absorbing the full blow. His arm wasn’t broken but the pain was excruciating.
Bison’s counter attack was swift. He boasted “Behold, the face of your destruction, and of my victory!” as he grabbed Khan and unleashed his psycho crusher attack.
Khan staggered, his superior intellect desperately trying to comprehend the power of his adversary and ensure he not underestimate him again. He said “To the last, I will grapple with thee,” as he unleashed a tempestuous series of kicks to Bison’s groin.
Bison reeled and said “Game Over! You will die!” He then hit Khan with his somersault skull driver attack.
Khan lay crumpled on the ground, his body broken. He had been beaten. Khan spoke “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”
Bison towered over Khan, savoring the moment as he paused to deliver the finishing blow. “For you, the day Bison graced your planet became the most important day of your life. But for me… it was Tuesday.”
Khan said “You talk too much,” and in a lightning quick, fluid motion, unsheathed his blade and drove it deep into Bison’s belly. Bison fell and shivered subtly as the life quickly drained from his body onto the soil.
View Tournament Bracket
Issue 14:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Dr. Evil |
|
Name: Saruman the White |
| Occupation: Criminal mastermind |
vs. |
Occupation: Wizard |
| Origin: Austin Powers films |
|
Origin: J.R.R Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings |
Dr. Evil had but one person standing in his way on his quest for total world domination. He made his way, entourage in tow, to Saruman’s tower to put an end to him and stake his claim over the world.
Dr. Evil sent his soldiers ahead to storm the tower but Saruman, using his palantiri, anticipated their attack and was ready with his Uruk-Hai army. The Uruk-Hai ambushed the soldiers and overwhelmed them. The soldier’s machine guns dealt significant damage to the Uruk-Hai, but in the end the Uruk-Hai’s ferocity and superior numbers overwhelmed Dr. Evil’s soldiers and decimated them.
Then, the booming voice of Saruman carried across the battlefield. His powerful voice manipulated Mini-Me and Frau Farbissina into turning against Dr. Evil.
As they charged towards him, Dr. Evil punched a button on his wrist remote and sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads emerged from the moat to wipe out Mini-Me and Frau. The lasers made quick work of them and left them looking like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
Dr. Evil went to the wrist remote one more time to turn the shark’s attention on Saruman but he was too late. Saruman raised his staff and blasted Dr. Evil with a Bolt of the Valar leaving nothing but a pile of dust and a few tattered shreds of Nehru jumpsuit.
View Tournament Bracket
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