Issue 16:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
If the advertising industry had a royalty distribution system in place, I can think of one person who would be insanely rich right now—the genius that thought up the “got milk?” campaign. The residual success of that two-word campaign is unquestionable. “Got ___?” has been usurped by just about every other small business on the planet, it seems, appearing on uncountable roadside magnetic signs: Got golfballs, Got beer, Got furniture, Got Doughnuts, Got clothes, Got beds, Got books, Got TV, Got tacos, Got gas, Got Jesus, Got Got Got…
Typically, the success of an ad campaign should be measured by any increase in revenue that is directly traceable to the new ad, right? But we here in America are professional consumers. We can’t be held down by traditional and conventional analysis. Just like in Texas, where everything is supposed to be bigger, we expect more from the simple idea of drawing attention to your products for sale. We’re looking for advertising that does nothing short of change our culture. I don’t know how much more money the dairy farmers are making due to this “Got milk?” idea, but I do know this: the phrase “Got ___?” has exploded. Like I said, it’s all over the place—T-shirts, bumper stickers, probably sky-writing…
I can think of two or three different ad campaigns in the past that came close to or equaled the cultural pervasiveness of “Got ___?” There was the old lady in the TV commercials wondering “Where’s the beef?” (“Between Wendy’s buns,” my elementary school wiseacre friends and I would respond.) There was, “Pardon me, have you any Grey Poupon?” which is a much more sophisticated version of the milk ad. And how could I forget “Just do it,” which Nike is still peddling. Gatorade seems to be trying the same slightly vague route with their “Is it in you?” The difference, of course, is that I don’t remember any store signs or commercials saying, “Pardon me, have you any golfballs?” Nobody felt the need to co-opt those other catch-phrases.
I just have to wonder—why? What is it about “Got ___?” that is so attractive? I think it’s largely due to the simplicity of it. The whole campaign is comprised of two words. It’s not even a full sentence.
(Grammar alert) The following paragraph contains grammatical nit-picking.
Remember when you were in junior high, diagramming sentences, and you had to use “(you)” for the “understood you” serving as the subject of a sentence like: Go to your room. “Got ___?” has a couple, maybe even three “understood” parts: “(Have), (you)” and “(any),” as in: “(Have) (you) got (any) milk?” Those elided words are pretty key parts of the sentence. This is simple, vernacular language, just slightly above that of a caveman.
It probably makes sense that advertising should be simple and to the point. (My favorite restaurant sign was for a place on the side of the highway on the way to Claremore, Oklahoma. There was a big arrow probably twenty feet tall and ten feet wide, affixed to the side of the building. The name of the place was “EAT.” You don’t get more simple than that.)
Simple is good in advertising. You don’t want to waste opportunities with potentially confusing messages. But I wonder if “Got ___?” is more of an attempt at reaching the so-called Lowest Common Denominator in American society? Is it a wily attempt to appeal to as wide a prospective base as possible? Does “Got ___?” reach the type of person that “2.9% Financing!” or “Prices Slashed to Thousands Below MSRP!” don’t reach?
More questions: Should advertisers be chastised for dumbing-down their campaigns? Is it an offensive insult to the intelligence of a nerd to be bombarded with this type of two-word schlock?
Or is commerce like love and warfare, where all is fair?
Issue 16:
Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By
Sydney Brown
As promised, it’s the bonus edition of the Sixty Seconds. Unless the editor didn’t get it in time. And in that case, I’m a liar. Nothing of note to say, so let’s take a look at what I’ve been watching:
Syriana (2005) George Clooney, Matt Damon, ***½
Riveting, (and a little confusing), story of the world of oil, its mergers, its corruption, and how it affects the world in more ways than just the price at the pump. Clooney won the Supporting Actor Oscar as a CIA informant who gets a little too close to the enemy, but film is populated with many characters just as good ranging from Middle East sheikhs wanting democracy, to young oil reps wanting power, to out-of-work Arabs wanting a reason to be. Story demands that you pay attention, (Cliffs notes would probably be an assist), but those who stay with it are rewarded with what I feel was one of 2005’s best films. Written by the same man who wrote Traffic.
Videodrome (1983) James Woods, Deborah Harry, ***
Early David Cronenberg work about a sleazy cable station manager discovering a program called “Videodrome,” a violent TV show that causes hallucinations in its viewers. Film has amazing special effects for its time, highlighted by a disturbing death at its end, (shown in all of its uncut splendor on DVD.) Somewhat infamous for its “living TV” scenes and the stomach wounds that look suspiciously like a certain part of the female anatomy. Film pretty much falls apart at the end as it tries to take on too much with too little time, (even the actors were reported to be unsure of some of the plot), but as unsatisfying as some of it is, you won’t be bored.
Swamp Thing (1982) Adrienne Barbeau, **
Dopey comic book hero film about a research scientist who turns into a living plant monster when his chemicals react with the swamp. Basically the plot is: woman falls in water, monster saves her, monster throws bad guys in water. Repeat. The only real saving grace is Barbeau’s breasts which show about as much cleavage as possible without actually being topless, and an unintentionally hilarious scene involving Swamp Thing’s arm. Interesting to note that despite falling in the swamp at least five times, Barbeau is dry in a matter of seconds after each spill. Amazingly this mess was directed by Wes Craven. It does hold your attention, but never reaches the “so bad it’s good” distinction.
Jesus’ Son (2000) Billy Crudup, Samantha Morton, **½
The story of a go-nowhere junkie in the early 70’s told in a series of vignettes is good, but it’s basically a poor man’s Drugstore Cowboy. Many scenes are better than others, Jack Black’s role is a highlight, but the film gets a little too “indie” and pretentious at times to be a must-see. Film badly wants to be in the league of Van Sant or Crowe, but too many nuances in this film have been done before, and in better movies. Denis Leary, Dennis Hopper, and Holly Hunter all have minor roles and all compete to see who can have the worst hairstyle.
Brick (2006) ***½
Film-noir set at a modern day high school about a loner whose girlfriend is killed under mysterious circumstances and whose search to find the truth about her death leads to a wide range of suspects and characters. VERY sharp script with great dialogue in what is essentially a love letter to the Bogart films of the 1940’s, though you certainly don’t have to be a fan of them to appreciate it. You would think watching teenagers talk like gangsters would be a little off-putting, but it’s handled very effectively. Perhaps the only flaw is that the hero wraps things up a little too neatly and seems a little too indestructible, but it’s a minor quibble. To be honest, I had so much fun with the dialogue and characters, the identity of the real culprit almost seemed like an afterthought, (unlike most whodunnits where the film almost lives or dies by the “twist”ending.) A must-see.
-Sydney Brown
Issue 16:
Life in Space
By
Mr. Atoz, The Librarian
DAMON????!!!!
Just kidding. I actually don’t mind Matt Damon as the new James T. Kirk. What am I talking about? As some of you non-Trekkies, (and there are legions of you out there), may not know, there is a planned movie prequel for the next Star Trek movie. It will cover James T. Kirk’s early days in Starfleet Academy. I can’t give you any more of the scoop because that’s all anyone knows about it. No one even seems to know if Spock and other TOS heroes will be seen in the prequel. My assumption is that Spock will be included as he is arguably the most popular character in the entire serial.
The only morsel of information we seem to have on the planned prequel is that Matt Damon is slated to play James Kirk in the new movie. Even this has been tagged as “rumored.” I don’t have much of an objection to this bit of casting, which is not to say it’s good casting either. Matt Damon seems a little old to play a “young” James Kirk. Granted, if James Kirk is to be a captain in the prequel, I suppose Damon isn’t a bad fit.
But my choice would have been Leonardo DiCaprio. I think Leonardo DiCaprio is the best under-40 actor going right now, and young looking enough to pull off a 25-year-old or 30-year-old James Kirk. (DiCaprio is, after all, only 31.)
This has inspired me to play fantasy casting director for my latest column. Feel free to agree or disagree with the following choices. Of course, you can disagree all you like, but I’ll always be right.
Pavel Chekov: Jerry Ferrara. He’s best known as Turtle from “Entourage.” He has that round face, but pulling off the horrendous Russian accent remains to be seen.
Sulu: Terry Chen. Perhaps a bit too old to play a pre-Enterprise Sulu, but I like this guy. It’s perhaps a bit of my Almost Famous-bias coming into play. I can just hear him yelling at his partner during the Kobuyashi Moru, “Now get it together, man!!!” Craa-zy.
Montgomery Scott: Karl Urban. He resembles a young James Doohan, (or maybe I’m seeing things.) Being from New Zealand, he might be able to pull off the Scottish accent swimmingly. After all, Doohan was Canadian. Am I lead to believe a Canadian can pull off a Scottish accent better than a New Zealander? Yeah, I’m rambling…..
Gary Mitchell: Jason Lee. Gary Mitchell is a character from what many consider to be the true pilot of Star Trek, “Where No Man Has Gone Before.” To summarize, Mitchell is given god-like powers in a freak accident and becomes a menace that must be destroyed. We are also lead to believe that Mitchell and Kirk are old friends. Lee might be a little old here, but I believe that Mitchell was portrayed to be a little older than Kirk.
Mr. Spock: A hard bit of casting here. I gave the nod to Martin Starr. Some may remember his face more than his name as the dorky Bill from Freaks and Geeks. This isn’t a new revelation to me. I’ve always thought that Bill could be a Vulcan. He’s got that hair and the tall gawkiness. Pulling off stoicism might be a challenge, but I think Martin could do it.
Uhura: Thandie Newton. No question. No explanation needed. Just check out the face.
Issue 16:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
Amdnarg Toh
In the latest installment of the Superhero Information Initiative, we dig into the SII mailbag.
Dear Amdnarg Toh,
What do you think of Superman Red and Superman Blue? Aren’t they the greatest? Signed,
Trevor
Walla Walla, WA
Well, Trevor – not sure what you mean by the greatest, but if the “greatest” means yet another money-grabbing attempt by the comic book publishers to pander to the market and increase profits, then I guess they’re pretty darned great. I can think of no other reason to take such liberty with the Man of Steel’s very essence than to feebly pander to the perception that the reading audience wants superheroes to be more realistic and believable.Gimme a friggin break! It’s a comic book! It’s not supposed to be real! It’s supposed to brighten my day by showing me a world where individuals matter, where heroes exist and do great things.
For those of you more fortunate than me, who have not yet been exposed to the Superman Red/Blue story line, let me fill you in a bit.
In the mini-series known as Final Night, a super villain uses a new super weapon, (ho-hum), to block the sun for a while. Since Superman’s powers are solar-fueled, (how eco-friendly), Superman loses his powers. (How many times can they re-invent this tired plot device?) Somehow, Superman and his super-buddies are able to resolve the crisis, and the sun is shining brightly. All is well in the world, or at least in Metropolis.
But… Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. While whoopin’ up on some bad guys, instead of the bullets bouncing off him, they pass right through him, injuring a passerby. Other weird things start happening that lead Kal-El to believe something’s up, like electrical devices suddenly going all cattywampus, and metal objects becoming magnetized by his very presence. He gradually loses his corporeality, (did I just invent a word?), and risks fading away into electrical nothingness. However – just in the nick of time, Lois, and Jimmy Olsen arrive at the professor’s lab with a miracle material, which the professor designs into a containment suit in just about three minutes. (He must know Martha Stewart). Superman enters the suit, and thereby regains control over his new phasing abilities. If he concentrates, he can phase into synch with the material world. However – while in phase, he is a normal guy – the stub-your-toe, cut-yourself-shaving kind of normal guy. He can instantly phase out of sync, and becomes Superman Blue…
What a stinker! But we’re not done yet! Superman Red is introduced with the clever ploy of simply splitting Superman Blue into two beings, both with the same powers, who both believe they are the original Superman. Eventually, after much negative press from the changes in the story line, DC decides to merge the two Supermen back together, Superman regains his lost powers, and we are supposed to pretend like nothing’s happened. Whew! The only other thing I would like for them to have worked into this sad story line is how Clark Kent would have reacted to getting kicked in the hoo-hah… Or perhaps a Superman Red/ Superman Blue/Lois Lane manage a trois? They are married after all. Ok… Maybe not.
Why can’t we just let Superman be super??? Why continually make him more “real”? I don’t want realistic, believable superheroes. I want them to kick the bad guys’ monkey-lovin evil selves into the next week. I want them to have super human powers that defy the laws of physics. I want them to be nice, good people. I want a corner of the world dedicated to a theme that good guys win.
So.. No Trevor – I don’t think Superman Red and Superman Blue are very great. Or even mediocre. Mostly just boring. Certainly not very super.
Yours truly, AT
PS – Trogdor could kick Superman Blue’s sorry blue butt…
Issue 16:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Cobra Commander |
|
Name: Darth Vader |
| Occupation: Fanatical Terrorist Leader |
vs. |
Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith |
| Origin: G.I. Joe |
|
Origin: Star Wars |
Darth Vader surveyed the lunchroom uncomfortably. It was his first day at Super Villain High School and he didn’t know where to sit. He wandered the lunchroom before finally setting his tray down at an empty table near the Southwest corner.
As he was taking his second bite of Salisbury steak he suddenly stopped. He sensed a familiar presence, a presence he’d not felt since…no, never mind. It was someone else. Nonetheless, Vader found himself surrounded by an odd assortment of rogues.
Cobra Commander, Zartan, the Baroness, Destro and Storm Shadow formed a semi-circle around Darth Vader and the table. Zartan bellowed, “Hey, who’s the numbnuts sitting at our table?”
Destro joined in “I don’t know who he is but he’d better scram quick like or we’re really going to give him the business.”
Darth’s worst fears were coming true. He so badly wanted his first day to go without incident. He grabbed his tray and began to stand. “Excuse me. I’m sorry.”
“No” Cobra Commander said, “Excuse me.” With that, Cobra Commander “accidentally” spilled his chili cheese fries all over Darth Vader’s helmet. “Oops.”
“Look, I don’t want any trouble,” Vader said as he attempted to wipe the chili from his visor.
“Too late,” said Zartan, “’cause you’re smack dab in the middle of trouble!” With that, Zartan grabbed a chair and swung it at Vader.
“Oh brother, here we go again,” thought Vader. Darth whipped out his lightsaber and cut both the chair and Zartan in half with one fluid swing.
Storm Shadow leapt into the air to administer a spinning jump kick and suddenly found himself suspended. Vader used the force to hold him and then flung him across the room into the kitchen where he landed face-first in a pan of spaghetti, ruining his nice white uniform.
The Baroness turned and fled as Destro and Cobra Commander began firing at Darth with their laser blasters. Vader used his lightsaber to deflect the blasts, one of them catching the Baroness in the back.
Vader swung his lightsaber again and keenly sliced Destro’s metal head off. It clanked to the ground as it rolled across the floor.
Cobra Commander dropped his gun as he fell to his knees. Cobra Commander begged for mercy but as his own masked face looked into Vader’s, he saw none. Vader used the force to raise the Commander up into the air and crushed his throat.
Vader’s lunch had grown cold but at least he was allowed to finish it without further interruption.
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