Issue 17:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
His name was John Hamilton. But all of us in the fourth grade called him “Silent John.” Actually, that’s not true. We didn’t really talk about Silent John too much. We spent more time talking about Patrick Farguson, (Patrick Farty-son we called him, while making fun of his stuttering problem and for dancing in the city’s yearly production of The Nutcracker. We were not appreciators of ballet in the fourth grade.) I probably only remember him as Silent John. He was most likely just “John” back then. It’s rather odd that we didn’t talk much about Silent John back in those days. He was an interesting little kid. For one thing, John almost never talked. He was the shyest of the shy kids. I remember him as vaguely angelic. He was a pudgy kid just like me, but that face…man, that face was like something out of a Botticelli painting…innocence personified. His curly, dark Superman bangs and freckles on his cheeks set the stage for his gentle, scared blue eyes. I always felt sorry for him for his face. It looked like he was walking around with a face I’d see in one of my parents’ black and white yearbooks, like he had built a time machine and decided to only go into the future 30 years. Being overweight didn’t help matters. For him or for me. And he always wore a light, red jacket, the kind you would see a male softball coach wear.
But the most curious thing about John was his refusal to speak. He was able to speak. We knew that. Every once in a great while, a teacher could coax him into reading out loud and he would slowly read aloud with a high voice and southern farm boy accent. But in any other setting-the cafeteria, out on the playground, in the hallways-mum was the word. I couldn’t help but wonder-why? He couldn’t have been a monk and taken a vow of silence. He was way too young to be a monk. One time his dad came up to the school and he looked like an older version of John-plain clothes, quiet, the same innocent eyes. He looked to me like the kind of guy that got beat up by bullies in the world of adults
In my much more mature stage of life, probably twenty years removed now, I am fascinated with the case of Silent John. I often wonder whatever happened to him. What happens to oddball, harmless kids like that? Did he open up in junior high and become BMOC by his high school years? Surely you can’t go through all of your school years without talking, can you? Maybe his shy reticence turned dark and he became a Nine Inch Nails fan. Maybe he’s a CEO of a company or living on the street.
However fascinated I may be with the idea of Silent John today, it’s safe to say that I was less than enthralled with him when I was in the fourth grade. (Cue the harp music as I shift the narrative back in time to the fourth grade at Windsor Forest Elementary School.)
It was about the last month of school and the powers-that-be had decided to initiate a new program to keep us listless, wiggly kids behaving properly. All of the teachers were given “wanted” cards, (with a cartoonish, five o’clock shadow outlaw behind bars for some reason), to award to kids who were observed behaving particularly nicely. I remember receiving one for walking my bike, rather than riding it, on school grounds. At the end of the month, each kids’ cards would be totaled up and whoever had the most would be given a special prize. And of course there were all kinds of rumors about what the prize would be: the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier, cash, a bike… There was quite a buzz about our chances by the last day. I must say, I was pretty confident that the accolades would be mine. I still have that expectation every time an award or special recognition is given. I just get this feeling that somehow I earned it, without even trying. But you know who won, don’t you?
That bastard Silent John!
I had such contempt in my heart as I watched him nervously go up in front of the whole school during the assembly and receive his prize: a bright orange pogo ball. (There was a very brief period when the pogo ball seemed poised to replace the skateboard as “Most Awesome Thing” in every elementary school kid’s head, which is odd, since the pogo ball didn’t have the advantage of being prominently incorporated in Back to the Future.)
“He doesn’t even like fun! What a waste!” I muttered, (in my head, of course.)
So, it’s probably two decades later. With a contrite heart, I still remember the least of these-Silent John, the closest thing to a complete innocent I’ve ever known- the kind of person who typically fades into the background of memory. But he’s also a reminder of the crass selfishness that I am capable of. Even as a little fourth grader I knew what it was like to be jealous and grasping.
The adult version of me realizes that the fact that he “didn’t even like fun” and was a self-imposed exile for whatever reason, (abuse, trauma, who-knows-why), is exactly why he deserved that prize on that day. My teachers in elementary school may have been smarter than I give them credit for.
So, this is a tip of the hat to Silent John–wherever he is, whatever he became.
Issue 17:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
The Dude
The Dude thinks Wolverine gets played off as the Dark Hero in the Marvel universe without much debate from anyone. I disagree.
I present Remy Lebeau. Even his name embodies darkness. His trench coat screams, “I am the comic version of James Dean.” Lone wolf, do it my way, the hard way, Mr. Cool–Witness. What? Okay I’ll be nice, and use his more familiar name- Gambit.
The Dude likes Gambit. He is the ultimate superhero conundrum. He saves the day, and gets the ladies. Then he steals their purses. Is he a superhero, or is he a thief? I am not sure. The facts are: he is an on again-off again member of the X-Men roster, but he also runs the Thieves Guild. Then there is that stint as Death. You know one of the Horsemen of Apocalypse? Except then he turns right around and saves the universe from Sun. Who? Sun, a.k.a. himself from another time period and a different universe. Oh yeah, why is he saving the universe from himself? Because he, (as Sun), already destroyed a universe. A whole universe by himself! (“But Dude, Wolverine’s got shiny claws.”) The Dude is so confused. I think Gambit likes it that way.
The Dude wants to ponder for a moment on Remy’s early mutant activities.-specifically his dealings with Mr. Sinister, (like I said Wolverine is a pup in badboydom.) I know what you are thinking, “Dude he makes playing cards explode. How did he destroy a universe?” That is where Mr. Sinister comes in. Gambit agreed to lead a group called the Maurauders, and in exchange Sinister caused most of Remy’s powers to become dormant. The version we see of Gambit as Sun and Witness makes it an undeniable fact that he has Omega power. Omega being the highest mutant power level. Also his choice by Apocalypse to be the Horseman of Death confirms his Omega standing. The real question is: when will he regain this power?
The Dude feels that some of, okay most of, Gambit’s X-Men issues come from his dealings with Mr. Sinister. As leader of the Maurauders he had to destroy the Morlocks. The Morlocks were a group of mutants living under New York. Gambit, to his credit, tried to stop this from happening. Still, most of the Morlocks were killed by his team. His X-Men issues started with his hiding his connection to this event. As they say, “It all went down hill from there.” Then it caused chick drama.
The Dude hates the chick drama. So let’s make this short and… just short. Yes, Gambit and Rogue have Ross and Rachel issues. He also has an ex-fiancée that is highly focused on one mission. That mission being the death of Remy Etienne LeBeau. Bella Donna Boudreaux, ex-fiancée, just happened to luck out and acquire super powers. I hate it when that happens.
The Dude would like for you to tell him what other superhero is as cool as Gambit. Yes, Wolverine is a killing machine. I remember that universe he wiped out. Wait. No I don’t. I remember that time Superman looked through time and space, found an object he needed, and cognitively brought it to himself. Wait. No I don’t. If you still aren’t sold, did The Dude mention that Remy is a pirate?
Senryu
Le Diable Blanc,
Dirge, Death, The Witness, Gambit
All Remy LeBeau
Issue 17:
Spotlight on Technology
By
Dr. Roger Korby
About a year ago I read an article in Wired Magazine that really intrigued me. The story was about this old guy in Hawaii who had a plan to power the world with cold water from the bottom of the sea. The man’s name is John Pino Craven. He’s not just an old thinker… he’s got some interesting creds to back up his seemingly hair-brained idea: a PhD in ocean engineering, a law degree, and he was once the chief scientist for the US Navy’s Special Projects Office. The technique he uses is called ocean thermal energy conversion, (OTEC), and it’s actually not a new idea. (The first OTEC plant was built in 1930.) Craven’s implementations of OTEC have been some of the most successful and the ways he uses the by-products of OTEC are pretty unique.
OTEC works by bringing deep ocean water that is just a few degrees above freezing up to the surface. Once it is pumped up you can use the temperature differential between it and substances at sea level to generate electricity. Historically, this process has been incredibly inefficient, (something like 1 to 3% overall efficiency.) In recent years, though, new approaches have led to more efficient power generation. Even with the inefficiencies, cold ocean water is a renewable resource, which means that huge amounts of cold water can be pumped up, generating large amounts of energy. In the 90’s a group was able to produce 50,000 watts of power from OTEC during an experiment. But this dream of clean, renewable energy still has its nightmare elements. OTEC plants have been short-lived due to the expense, (dropping a mile-long pipe into the ocean), and the poor efficiency of the process.
Craven’s facility in Hawaii, (the Natural Energy Laboratory of Hawaii), currently uses OTEC for a multitude of purposes. They have generators to test power generation, but Craven also uses the cold water to cool the facility’s buildings, generate fresh water, improve the growth of plants in the facility’s gardens and to mend his body.
I guess I should explain a few of those. As the cold water warms up, condensation forms on the tubes the water runs through. They collect and bottle this water for drinking. Regarding the plants… they run the cold water pipes through the ground below their facility’s gardens. This cools the soil and Craven claims this speeds up his plants’ growth. According to the Wired article, it seems to be working. Craven’s facility sits on hard, dry lava rock and yet he’s been able to plant a vineyard and flower garden. And if that isn’t spooky enough for you, consider the fact that Craven has also developed a system of applying cold water to certain points on his body and claims to have healed his arthritis.
Even with its limited success so far, the potential for using OTEC for power seem pretty huge. Craven believes there is enough energy in the oceans to supply “1,000 times the world’s need.” That’s encouraging. I’d find it kind of amusing if OPEC’s replacement actually was just one letter different.
As a side note… Craven’s personal website is pretty interesting and a bit strange. It’s full of poetry, political writings and Psalms. Though I guess for a visionary of Craven’s caliber, this is probably pretty standard stuff.
Issue 17:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Loki Laufeyjarson |
|
Name: Taylor Vaughn |
| Occupation: Norse God (God status is disputed) of Mischief |
vs. |
Occupation: Popular High School Student |
| Origin: Norse Mythology |
|
Origin: She’s All That |
Taylor Vaughn was enjoying an afternoon of shopping at the mall. She had just spent a bundle of her father’s money at Sephora and was in particularly high spirits. As she passed the food court she noticed an awkward looking pimply-faced boy working at Sbarro and decided to have a little fun.
Unbeknownst to Taylor, the awkward boy was actually the shape-shifting trickster Loki in disguise. Loki liked to pose as a Sbarro employee from time to time and pull pranks on the patrons. He had just served another naïve customer a slice of pubic pepperoni pizza when he saw a beautiful girl striding confidently towards him.
Taylor really laid on the charm and soon Loki had really become smitten with her. She flirted her way into a free massive slice of pizza and a large soda. All eyes in the food court were on the pair, many with slack-jaws, as they couldn’t believe a girl as beautiful and popular as Taylor was hitting on such an unfortunate looking boy.
Just as Loki mustered up the courage to ask Taylor to go with him to the Norse Gods Ball she began to laugh at him and dumped her soda out on his head. “Oh, Oopsie. You know, you really should be more careful with polyester.”
Everyone in the food court began to laugh as tears welled up in Loki’s eyes. He knew he’d been had and shame began to engulf him. How could he, the master of tricks, have fallen so easily into her trap?
“Oh, you aren’t going to cry are you?” Taylor taunted. “You didn’t think I liked you for real, did you? Oh, you did? That’s so sweet.”
With that, Loki’s rage was made full. He abandoned his Sbarro disguise and reverted to his true form. The Norse giant towered over Taylor as her confidence melted away in the form of a steady stream of piss in her trousers.
With one hand the enraged colossus grabbed Taylor by the throat while the other began rapidly taking forks from the counter and planting them in her once exquisite, now rapidly-declining face.
Loki’s fury did not subside until Taylor lay mangled before him, her face bearing a significant resemblance to the plate of spaghetti that had fallen beside her.
View Tournament Bracket
Issue 17:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Gargamel |
|
Name: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man |
| Occupation: Alchemist |
vs. |
Occupation: Corporate Mascot |
| Origin: The Smurfs |
|
Origin: Ghostbusters |
Gargamel and his cat Azrael were trekking through the forest, on yet another unsuccessful search for Smurf village. Azrael’s stomach growled as they explored and he yearned to fill it with sweet smurf meat.
Fed up with futility, Gargamel decided to turn back and head home when he began to feel the Earth quake rhythmically beneath him. Each shake louder than it’s predecessor, something massive was headed their way.
Suddenly a gigantic white face could be seen through the trees. The Stay Puft Marshmallow man was upon them. Gargamel began to shake with fear and excitement as he gazed awe-struck at the 112-foot behemoth.
Gargamel had a recipe for making gold that required 2 tons of marshmallows. He’d given up on it, though, never believing he’d be able to accumulate enough of the sugary goodness to…
And with that Gargamel and Azrael were crushed beneath the marshmallow man’s mighty foot. Stay Puft never even noticed the pair in his path, never breaking stride as he made his way through the forest.
View Tournament Bracket
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