Issue 20: Superhero Information Initiative
By Amdnarg Toh

“I Don’t Get No Respect”

For some odd reason, my mind has been a bit preoccupied with the oft-forgotten little people of the super-world. Like the Lone Ranger’s friend Tonto, most sidekicks get little or no recognition… Or get beat up every time they go into town to run an errand… And I posit that it’s for good reasons.

My penchant for sarcastic commentary aside, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and see which of these Rodney Dangerfields of the superhero world you can associate with their mentor.

1) Batman	a) Aqualad
2) Aquaman	b) Wonder Twins
3) Justice League	c) Robin
4) Flash	d) Kid Flash
5) Wonder Woman	e) Wonder Girl
6) Green Arrow	f) Speedy

Batman and Robin – Ok - I gave you this one. It’s the most popular hero-sidekick combination ever. Period. If you didn’t get this one, your chances of getting any of the others is about as good as my chances of growing that third eye in the back of my head that I’ve wanted for so long. If you can ignore the obvious implications of the single, rich playboy who lives in a mansion with his butler as his only company, who also invites an orphaned circus boy to live with him as his “ward,” this pairing is probably the coolest around. (What the heck is a ward anyway?) In later years Robin opens his own super-hero franchise and becomes Nightwing. He also participates from time to time in a group called the Teen Titans. All right - He’s earned his keep.

Aquaman and Aqualad – Almost as easy – their names are the same. Aside from having an almost useless set of powers, just like his mentor Aquaman, this guy really doesn’t have any other noteworthy characteristics.

Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl – I sense a theme here. Similar name, similar costume, same exact powers. Why does Wonder Woman need a sidekick?

Flash and Kid Flash – This is getting old. What more can be said? How creative do you have to get to come up with interesting story fodder about a guy who can move fast, not to mention coming up with fun stuff for his “buddy” to do?

Green Arrow and Speedy – At least this pairing has an interesting name. But… Guys who shoot bows and arrows don’t really have that je ne sais quois necessary to hold my attention.

Justice League and the Wonder Twins – You should have been able to get this one by the process of elimination – right? Although not sidekicks in the strictest sense, they fit the category for reasons I’ll explain later. True to the theme of barely being creative at all, the creators of these characters endowed them with some less-than-stellar super powers. Jayna could become any animal and Zan could become any form of water. And they had an interesting, (just slightly less interesting than watching the grease congeal on a bowl of chili), way to activate their powers – they had to touch and say, “Wonder Twin powers activate.” Most of the situations they were placed into caused them to be just scant inches away from being able to touch. (How original!) Sometimes their pet monkey Gleek would insert his nose to bridge the gap between the two and help activate their powers. They were usually left in charge of the headquarters while the real heroes were away.

I’m left wondering how the sidekick role is supposed to function –other than giving a “lighter side” perspective on the whole hero bit without getting too serious like their adult counterparts/mentors sometimes do. Teen sidekicks also helped younger readers identify with heroes who are closer to their age, and deal with issues that most teens deal with. Not that the intent was to provide support for young readers in some altruistic sense, but because the teen scene comic book market was lagging.

So… In short, sidekicks aren’t real heroes. They’re the also-rans, the wannabes of the superhero world. They get beat up, captured, tortured and interrogated simply as another plot device to give the hero someone to rescue, and occasionally to ask the questions that readers would ask – so we can get a glimpse of real dialogue instead of the heroes’ internal monologue expressed in the (in)famous “thought bubbles”. By mentoring these young lads and lasses, the heroes have an outlet to tell us their story, to provide some character development, to bare their souls. But the story is still really about the hero/heroine, and maybe about the villain, but not the sidekick.

PS – My favorite sidekick is The Cheat

Issue 20: Life in Space
By Mr. Atoz, The Librarian

Spock

During a recent church sermon, I heard something that resonated with me. The preacher said that we are all working towards getting our lifelines to look straight. We say that once “this” or “that” happens, then our lifeline will look like the beautiful horizontal line we’ve always dreamed it would be. However, the fact is our lifeline will never look straight. Once we think everything is in order, something will happen that will make our lifeline dip a little. There is always going to be adversity as well as good times. It’s been said before, but life is a bunch of ups and downs. Life is a highway, and we do want to ride it all night long, but it’s a hilly highway. I think a part of us wishes that we could face the adversity with a certain level of calm and, dare I say, detachment.

Spock is my favorite fictional character of all time, beating out the likes of Hank Hill, Indiana Jones, B.J. Hunnicutt, and Hawkeye Pierce. When the title “Star Trek” is mentioned many people think of Captain Kirk, Klingons, the Enterprise, or, (God forbid), Lt. Data. I easily think of Spock.

Those who know me away from Nerd City have heard me opine that without the character Enterprise, there is no Star Trek. However, I need to take the liberty of contradicting myself to say that Spock is the glue that holds the franchise together. He is the gentle, steadfast, loyal motor that keeps this boat afloat. There are so many unknowns among the stars, and a steady, matter-of-fact voice of reason is needed in such a time.

The beautiful thing about Spock is he is not the cold, logical being that a full-blooded Vulcan would be. He is half human. He can be affected. In some way, it’s as if the logic with which he faces adversity is by choice. The big theme in the plot wherever Spock is concerned is the battle between man and machine. The question is asked: which is better and more trustworthy, the efficiency of logic, or the authenticity of emotion and the human heart? I do not believe that it’s ever been stated, but I would guess that Roddenberry made Spock half-human and half-Vulcan to portray this struggle. Throughout the series, Spock is faced with certain situations where logic does not apply, and he is forced to confront his emotions.

Why I love Spock so much is not that he is conflicted by his emotions when he is supposed to be a logical being, but rather he chooses the serenity of logic only where it applies. Logic dictates that there is a solution to every problem. Every problem can be solved no matter how big. This is more explicit in the Spock we see in later movies when he is Captain Spock or Ambassador Spock. What’s more, while Spock’s logic is so seemingly perfect, he uses it to enact betterment for all races. For the Vulcan race to conduct themselves in a manner that benefits the good of the many suggests an ironic level of feeling. I’m convinced Spock is the fulfillment of what the Vulcans had in mind when it embraced logic.

For them, logic is not meant to be a detachment of all emotion, but rather a way to govern fairly an imperfect people so that community and life can be provided. To do whatever promotes life, does that not somehow suggest a level of emotion? What’s so great is Spock enhanced logic to do just that: promote life and harmony among all races of different planets. He was the ultimate ambassador, and as Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country seems to suggest, was a pioneer in ending hostilities and years of racism between the Klingons and the people of Earth. What Spock stood for is almost…………messianic.

Spock tells us that there is an answer to all things. He doesn’t necessarily tell us that there is nothing to fear, but rather there is no reason to fear. Fear is illogical. I know a lot of people, when they are faced with fear and trying to figure how things will work out, they pick up the Bible and look at people like Job, Daniel, or the Apostle Paul. Those are all fine Biblical examples.

However, if I’m honest, I don’t do that. When I’m faced with fear and uncertainty in my life, I put on my Star Trek DVDs and somehow learn that there is no reason to fear, and whatever may appear to be problematic is in reality… opportunity.

There is nothing you cannot handle.

Issue 20: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

Well, good ol’ Sydney actually has been to the movie theater lately. Twice. So that means some fresh reviews to go with the classics of the past. And hey, you picked a good time to read my column, because I think this may be the best line-up of films to date.

And while you’re here, why not kill some time and check out my Youtube page with a few brand new short films, guaranteed to make you say, “what the hell was that?”

Visit me here: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=vbv20

Actually, read my column, then visit me.

The Third Man (1949) Joseph Cotten, Orson Welles ****

To even attempt to describe this film would be doing you a disservice, the less you know, the better, but here goes: An American author visits a long-time friend in Vienna only to discover he died in a traffic accident. Or was it an accident? And why are no two witnesses’ accounts the same? Trust me, it gets MUCH deeper than that in what becomes one of the ultimate film noirs. Orson Welles is remarkable in a supporting role, even moreso when you consider he has only three scenes, and only has dialogue in one. Climactic chase sequence is an all-time classic, and the last shot is a masterpiece. A must-see.

Putney Swope (1969) ***

One of the strangest films you’ll ever see, tough to recommend, but somewhat hard not to. Robert Downey Sr. brings this satire about the advertising agency when the “token” black executive accidentally gets elected CEO and proves to be as cruel and idiotic as his predecessors, (if not moreso.) Tons of bizarre dialogue and head-scratching moments mixed with parodies both dated and ahead of their time, (much of this stuff done years before SNL was even a concept.) It’s pretty clear that most of the writers were heavily medicated during this. Whether you love it or hate it, one thing’s for sure: The Borman Six Girl has Got to have SOUL!

Thank You for Smoking (2006) Aaron Eckhart, William H. Macy ***½

Sharp and very funny satire about tobacco lobbyists with Eckhart as a master lobbyist who defends cigarettes almost to the point of endorsing them to everyone he can. Razor sharp script and a killer performance by Eckhart make this a winner. Lots of great small roles highlighted by Rob Lowe as a movie executive and Sam Elliot as the former Marlboro Man. Katie Holmes seems out of place here as a reporter, (she still looks like a high school student), and the last 20 minutes isn’t quite the home run it could have been, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a more savage satire this year, (that doesn’t involve Sasha Cohen.)

The Prestige (2006) Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman ***

Turn-of-the-century mystery about two competing magicians and the rivalry that forms as one tries to outperform the other to the point of obsession. Intriguing and smart thriller from Christoper Nolan, (of Memento fame), but perhaps a little too much exposition keeps the film from being great, for as long as you pay attention, you should see where the story heads. Michael Caine gives his usual great performance as the creator of the illusions. Recommended, and if you see it, pay close attention to the first line of the film. The answer is right there in front of you. And anyone who dares reveal who plays Nikolai Tesla is not your friend. But I am, so I won’t.

The Departed (2006) Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon ****

THIS is Martin Scorsese as he returns to the crime story with a vengeance in this incredible film about a crime boss who has a mole infiltrating the police department not knowing the police department has a mole infiltrating his gang. Based on the Hong Kong film Infernal Affairs, this ranks as one of the best crime dramas I’ve ever seen, with a surprisingly strong dose of humor as well. Both leads give great performances, and Jack Nicholson and Mark Wahlberg excel in their supporting roles. As of this writing, 2006’s best film, and the best theater experience I have had in years.

Issue 20: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Stripe vs Mola

Name: Stripe		Name: Mola Ram
Occupation: Mischief Maker	vs.	Occupation: Leader of a Kali Cult
Origin: Gremlins		Origin: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Mola Ram blew out the candles and eagerly accepted the birthday present from his Thugee guards. It was an exquisitely wrapped box with what appeared to be holes cut for ventilation.

He opened the box and peered inside to behold the most delightful little thing he had ever seen. Inside was a precious little furry ball of joy gazing up at Mola with kind, playful eyes. Seeing the white streak running down his back, Mola cried out, “I shall name him Stripe!”

The Thugee guards explained to Mola that his gift was imported from China and was a very exotic pet. They went on to explain some very important rules for caring for his new pet but Mola wasn’t really paying attention. He was preoccupied with the naughty gyrations of the belly dancers across the room.

The party went well into the night and Stripe eventually freed himself from his box. He went straight to the buffet and began gorging himself on copious amounts of chilled monkey brains and eyeball soup.

When the party finally died, Mola found Stripe and his satisfied belly and took him to bed. They slept through the night, cuddled together, enjoying each other’s warmth against the cold night air. However, during the night Stripe underwent a radical pupation and became a horrific gremlin!

Mola awoke to find the bed and his pajamas all sticky. For a moment his mind drifted fondly back to his adolescence but he quickly snapped back to reality. He heard a sound from above and looked to see Stripe swinging on the chandelier. He was breaking off bits of glass and hurling them at him!

Mola Ram rushed to the wall and grabbed his staff, which he began swinging wildly at Stripe. He smashed the chandelier and glass showered down on the room, cutting his feet as he stepped. Mola seized the stunned gremlin and began chanting as he reached out to steal the creature’s heart from his chest.

Stripe slashed at Mola’s face with his claws, blinding him. Mola dropped Stripe to clutch the gaping holes that formerly housed his eyes. With Mola distracted, Stripe swiftly grabbed a candelabra from the wall and held it to Mola’s pajamas.

The pajamas immediately erupted in flame. They were decidedly not child safe. Mola’s pain was so profound he failed to remember the “stop, drop & roll” lesson his mama taught him so many years ago. Blinded and burning, Mola collapsed, his life extinguished well before the flames were.

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Issue 20: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Magneto vs Newman

Name: Eric Lensherr, aka Magneto		Name: Newman
Occupation: Professional Antagonist	vs.	Occupation: United States Postal Worker
Origin: X-Men		Origin: Seinfeld

Newman carried a registered letter up the steps to Magneto’s house. He rang the bell and waited for the occupant to sign for the package. He sure wished this bozo would hurry up. This was his last delivery of the day and he was anxious to get back to his game of Risk. He salivated at the thought of conquering that weak Ukraine when he got home.

The massive oak door opened and Magneto stood before Newman, sizing up the filthy homo-sapien. “And just what can I do for you today?” Magneto asked.

“Hello, Eric,” snarled Newman. “I’ve got a letter here for you to sign for.” As he handed Magneto the letter he noticed a Keith Hernandez poster in the hallway behind him.

Newman cried out in rage “Keith Hernandez! I despise that mutant!”

Magneto growled, “And just what do you have against mutants, you roly-poly of a man?! I hope your affairs are in order because your pitiful life is about to end!”

At that moment Newman recognized the person before him as the powerful evil mutant, Magneto. His mind raced as he weighed the options of fighting or fleeing. Quickly concluding that his only chance to defeat the mutant would be to meticulously plan an attack, he decided to flee.

Newman raced away from the door. He spied a large tree in the front yard and contemplated scaling it. His expert tree climbing skills would make quick work of the mighty birch. But no, he would be trapped. He abruptly altered course and headed for his mail jeep.

“Are you a God-fearing man? That is such a strange phrase. I’ve always thought of God as a teacher; a bringer of light, wisdom, and understanding. You see, I think what you really fear is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants. Oh, it’s not so surprising really. Mankind has always feared what it doesn’t understand. Well, don’t fear God, Mr. Mail Man, and certainly don’t fear me. Not any more.”

Magneto’s monologue concluded just as Newman reached the Jeep and started the engine. Just as he was about to speed away and plan his attack, Magneto lifted the jeep high in the air. He held it there for several seconds, admiring his own superiority.

As the car hung in the air Magneto began to rearrange the metal, folding here, twisting there until finally the car resembled those cages the guys on Shark Week get in. When the cage was complete, Magneto flung Newman several miles away, right into the filtering tank at the city water treatment facility.

Newman, still stuck in the cage, was powerless to do anything other than sink to the bottom of the filthy sewage. He fumed as he slowly drowned amongst the condom, tampon and feces-laden water.

Magneto smiled to himself as he turned to go back in his house. His smile faded as he realized his home was now infested with fleas.

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