Issue 22:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
Ah, words.
They are at the heart of the human experience.
It’s impossible to go through life without being affected by them. Some would say you can’t even have a thought without the corresponding language. I don’t know about all that. But I do know that I love words and their meanings. The end of life is to become what you are. Bearing that Zen concept in mind, I would be committing a crime against my nature if I didn’t present some of the loves of my life.
First, let’s start with the words that I like for their sounds. Let’s face it- some words are just a lot of fun to form with your lips and teeth. SPECIFICITY is one of those words. (Go ahead. Say it to yourself right now: spec-i-fi-ci-ty.) This is a pretty sophisticated word. Your mouth gets quite a workout in forming all of those syllables. I would say that producing this word requires a flexible dexterity. But dexterity refers to the hands. I guess the word requires a flexibile…orality? If your mouth could be an athlete, “specificity” would be the word for the gymnasts. Alas, I very rarely get the opportunity to use this word in conversation. And you don’t get quite the same thrill when using the adjectival form, “specific.”
If “specificity” is a ballerina of a word, my next favorite word would be a barbaric caveman raised by a pack of wolf-men: FRANK. Say that one to yourself slowly: FffrrrrAaaaangkuh. Ironically, even though this unrefined word is monosyllabic, it requires at least three movements of the mouth. The fr is one of the more awkward phonemes in the English language. And then you follow that with the highly nasal ang. And what better way to finish this all up than with the dumb, percussive k sound? Woe to those unlucky souls named “Frank,” who have this utterance as the sound which identifies them. No wonder St. Francis decided to go by his full name.
I also have some favorite words based purely on their meanings or context- for instance, SOPHOMORE, which literally means “wise fool.” I don’t know exactly what it is about people in their second year of high school or college that makes them especially deserving of such an oxymoronic appellation, (which is not to be confused with “Appalachian.”) When I was a sophomore in high school, I was just as geeky as all of the other years. Anyway, you see those two roots in several other words—philosophy, sophisticated, sophistry, moron.
WISEACRE is a funny word that Ms. Masopust, my three-hundred-year-old English teacher used to call us in eighth grade whenever we would act up in class. There was a rumor going around Central Junior High that Ms. Masopust, a short hunchback lady, would hide in her coat closet and smoke cigarettes between classes and at lunch time. There was never any proof proffered, such as a pack of cigarettes or a lighter laying around, nor the smell of smoke, so the jury is still out as to whether there was any truth to the accusation. Anyway, I have no reason to love this word other than the fact that it is nonsensical—an intelligent plot of land?
Lastly, another favorite word is one with which I have an interesting history—GARNISH. I was sitting at work one day about three or four years ago, minding my own business, when WHAM! Like a revelatory bolt of lightning, the word “garnish” came into my head. I knew there was something special about this word. It turned out I had discovered a contranym. “Garnish” can mean to take away, as in funds from a paycheck or to ornament or add to, as in a delectable dish. Some other examples of contranyms: bound, bolt, and sanction. The existence of the phenomenon of contranyms, (also called autoantonyms), is a marvelous display of the complexity of language-namely that you can make the same utterance, the same sounds, and actually mean two opposite things.
I have hidden in this article several other favorite words. Can you find them?
So, dear reader, what are your favorite words?
Issue 22:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
Amdnarg Toh
In this week’s installment of the Superhero Information Initiative, we find Amdnarg Toh in the studio with an ultra-rare superhero tag team interview…
AT: Folks – we’ve got a guy here tonight that knows all about the hero business… Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Luke Cage, Power Man!!!
(Applause)
AT: Tell us a little about yourself Luke…
LC: Well – I was born and raised in Harlem. As a lot of guys did back then, I got involved in a gang, the Bloods. I became involved in a lot of petty crime, and eventually graduated to more serious stuff. A “buddy” got mad at me and planted some drugs in my apartment, which after an anonymous tip to the police, landed me in prison. A scientist came around looking for volunteers for some medical experiments, and I volunteered. Anything to get away from the “Oops – did you drop your soap?” events every morning during shower time….Anyway - something went wrong and the experiment basically gave me superhuman strength and durability. I busted out of prison, and started my life over… I decided to use my powers for good – at least as long as I was getting paid. A guy has gotta make a living – you know?
AT: Some say that you were only popular because of the blaxploitation craze of the 70’s… You don’t seem to have gotten much press as of late.
LC: Well – I’m still one bad SOB…
AT: But… Dude! What’s up with the yellow disco shirt and the metal headband?
LC: Well – I guess I kind of got caught up in the 70’s style. You should see me in a lime green leisure suit and an ankle length fur coat. Sweet Christmas!!! Now that’s stylin!!
AT: You’re often seen with another super powered guy… Let’s also give a big welcome to someone you should know quite well – Iron Fist!
(Applause)
AT: Well – tell us – who is Iron Fist???
IF: Well – I was born into a fairly wealthy family. When I was nine, my parents and my father’s business associate took me on a hiking expedition to try to find the mystical city of K’un L’un. We had an accident, and fell off of the narrow mountain trail we were on. Luckily our tie rope saved us, but my father’s associate , who had been jealous of my father’s relationship with my mother, used the opportunity to get rid of him so he could finally have a chance at his wife… My father sacrificed himself to save us, but my mother refused the help after watching her husband plummet to his death. Dad’s associate left us to die, but we managed to pull ourselves out of the fix we were in, and attempted to find our way back to civilization. Just when we thought our troubles were over, a pack of angry wolves found us while were trying to get back down the mountain. We ran, and a mystical bridge suddenly appeared in our path… Of course we ran for the bridge, but the wolves caught up to us just as we were crossing. My mother died trying to protect me… I found out that the bridge led to the mystical city, but only appeared once every ten years. The inhabitants took me into their care, and taught me their martial arts.
AT: Right – inhabitants of a mystical city don’t really have anything to offer other than martial arts…
IF: Hey! This is my story!
AT: Ok – please continue.
IF: I proved myself to be quite adept, and became the star student. As a rite of passage, and due to my stellar moves, I was given a chance to obtain the power of the iron fist by defeating the dragon Shou-Lao, which translated means “Great Flatulent One”. During the battle, I fell against the dragon and a wicked cool scar was burned into my chest… (Shows AT his scar/tatoo) Neat-o huh?
AT: Kind of looks like Sailor Moon to me… And… Is that a nipple ring?
IF: Huh??? Nevermind… I finally defeated Shou-Lao, plunged my hand into the cauldron that was supposed to contain his molten heart, and… I got this power to focus my chi through my fist to do all sorts of cool stuff.
AT: What’s a chi? Aren’t they those ceramic pets that you grow grass on?
IF: No!!! One’s chi is one’s “life force”…
AT: So… No real powers other than an iron-hard fist and some Bruce Lee inspired moves? Kind of hard to compete with Power Man, the guy with titanium skin and superhuman strength – huh?
IF: Hey – listen!!! You don’t understand how hard it is to be a super hero… The angst, the identity crisis, the urge to reveal my secret identity…
AT: Sure.
IF: After ten years the mystical bridge re-appeared, and I made my way back into the real world… To find that bastard that killed my dad! Before I could lay hands on him, he was killed, and everyone assumed I did it. It took me a while to clear my name, and once I did, I met up with Luke, and the rest is history.
LC: Yup. We’ve been working together pretty well now for a few years. We’d be sitting sweet on a pile of dough now if it weren’t for this guy’s noble sense of honor… He always seems to find a way to convince me to give our clients’ money back. Hey – a contract is a contract – right? I’m just sayin’…
AT: Well – that’s just about all the time we have. Thanks to Power Man and Iron Fist for coming on the show… Let’s give them a big hand!!!
(Applause)
IF/LC: Thanks!!!
Issue 22:
Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By
Sydney Brown
No intro. Intros are for people with free time. I ain’t got that.
Borat (2006) Sasha Baron Cohen ***½
Quite possibly the funniest film I’ve ever not really liked, and you’d really have to see it to appreciate that sentiment. Borat the man is an intentionally offensive character who ironically shows how offensive Americans can be by letting them talk. Cohen’s antics range from hilarious and smart to low-brow and disturbing, as “the scene” sets a new bar for crudeness in comedy. I laughed, but so much of what Borat does is mean-spirited, and so many of the “ugly American” scenes seemed so forced that while I can’t say I loved the film, I was consistently entertained. Not the funniest film of all time like many claim, but it’s certainly one of the funnier films of recent memory.
Time Bandits (1981) David Rappaport, Sean Connery ***
Charming and visually impressive, (as always), production from Terry Gilliam about dwarfs traveling through time stealing riches from the world and taking a young child along for the ride. Many of the visuals are a little dated for its time, but in a way, effects like these are all the more impressive than their CGI counterparts. Sean Connery and John Cleese have scene-stealing moments, but the last half-hour tends to drag with the bandits’ final battle with evil. Spend more time marvelling at the production and less time thinking about the plot and you’ll enjoy it more. A good film but can’t touch Gilliam’s near-perfect Brazil.
For Your Consideration (2006) Christopher Guest, Catherine O’Hara ***
Very funny, (though not hilarious), film about filmmaking and the people and processes involved, and the buzz surrounding a film’s Oscar potential. The usual Guest cast do their usual wonderful job, but its somber tone, (and lack of ending- you’ll be jarred when the credits show up), may be a little off-putting to those used to the quasi-happy endings of his previous films. Some great throwaway lines from Fred Willard and a virtual cameo from Ricky Gervais. Don’t expect Guffman and you won’t be disappointed. As an added bonus, this may be the first film to feature members of both casts of The Office.
Unknown Chaplin (1982) ****
Quite possibly the greatest documentary about the early days of cinema, this show is a series of three one-hour episodes about the career of Charlie Chaplin, told almost entirely in outtakes from his shorts and features. Fascinating sequences show hundreds of takes being used for a single shot, entire film plots being changed in the middle of filming, and interviews from his most loyal cast members. Most memorable is a sequence in which Chaplin fails to dodge a pie and gets confused then pissed as more pastries nail its unintended target. Must-see stuff for anyone interested in silent films, though it helps to have seen the original Chaplin films first to see the outtakes in the proper perspective.
Clerks II (2006) ***
The Clerks are ten years older but not much wiser in the follow-up to the classic indie film. Randall and Dante now work at a fast-food joint after the Quick Stop burns down, but continue to drive each other, (and their customers), insane. Hokey and almost completely unnecessary plot gets in the way of hilarious scenes and characters. First twenty minutes is pretty standard Hollywood fare, but once employee Elias arrives and the LOTR-Star Wars fight begins, the movie starts to take off. More than enough moments that bring up the essence that made the original so good, though it isn’t as good. If you loved the first, you’ll like this one.
Issue 22:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Count Tyrone Rugen |
|
Name: Terminator |
| Occupation: Advisor to Prince Humperdink |
vs. |
Occupation: Killing Machine |
Origin: The Princess Bride
|
|
Origin: The Terminator |
Count Rugen exited his secret laboratory in the forest and was startled to see a very large, very naked man standing before him. “Good heavens. What are you doing out here?”
The man coldly replied “Your clothes. Give them to me.”
Confidently, the Count responded, “You are an odd fellow indeed. I believe I need to teach you some manners.”
The Terminator’s processor began working overtime. Something was not right. “I’m looking for Sarah Conner. Is this 1984?”
“1984?” Queried Rugen. “My dear sir, you seem to have lost your mind. It is my duty to place you under arrest.”
Rugen advanced towards the Terminator, his sword drawn. The Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 analyzed the threat approaching him. It was deemed to be barely significant.
Rugen lunged toward the Terminator, his blade easily piercing the skin then bending sharply as it struck the hyper alloy combat chassis. The blade snapped from the force and Rugen began backing away.
“What magics are these? What are you?” he cowered.
The Terminator stooped to grab a fallen tree from the ground and swung it at the 6-fingered man in an uppercut motion, catching him solidly in the face. Rugen was sent sprawling. Lying on his back he looked up at the Terminator standing above him.
“I hope Miracle Max can fix whatever is about to happen to me,“ thought the count.
The Terminator brought his foot down on the count’s chest, penetrating it through to the forest floor below, liquefying several organs in the process. The Terminator has no interest in leaving someone mostly dead.
View Tournament Bracket
Issue 22:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Max Cady |
|
Name: Captain James Hook |
| Occupation: Ex-con |
vs. |
Occupation: Pirate |
Origin: Cape Fear
|
|
Origin: JM Barrie’s Peter Pan |
Captain Hook sailed out into the Atlantic. The air was cool as the sun was setting and it occurred to Hook that he hadn’t seen his first mate Smee since they debarked a few hours earlier. There was no other crew besides the two of them and the boat was awfully quiet.
Hook opened a hatch and was horrified at the sight he beheld. Laying in a crumpled, bloody heap was Smee’s mangled form. He had been brutally beaten and he had clocks shoved deep into his mouth and rectum.
Hook was paralyzed with fear and then shuddered with rage. He knew his past was coming back to him with a vengeance.
Some years earlier Hook’s first mate had been a promising, yet troubled, young man named Max Cady. For all his potential, Cady was deemed too dangerous to keep around. So one night in Bangkok Hook tricked him into exiting the ship and then left him there.
Cady stepped from the shadows and Hook’s fears were realized. “I am like God, and God like me. I am as large as God, He is as small as I. He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be. Selatius, 17th Century. Does that mean anything to you, Sailor?”
“Now Max,” Hook stammered, “let’s not do anything rash”
“It’s too late for that, you son of a bitch! I’m Virgil and I’m guidin’ you through the gates of Hell. We are now in the Ninth Circle, the Circle of Traitors. Traitors to country! Traitors to fellow man! Traitors to GOD! You, sir, are charged with betrayin’ the principles of all three!”
The words flew from Cady like venom from a mamba. “I find you guilty, captain! Guilty of betrayin’ your fellow man! Guilty of betrayin’ your country and abrogatin’ your oath! Guilty of judgin’ me and sellin’ me out! With the power vested in me by the kingdom of God, I sentence you to the Ninth Circle of Hell! Now you will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of humanity! Now you and I will truly be the same…”
Cady’s words were cut short by Hook lashing out with his, well, hook. It’s not just a name, you know. The hook cut Cady deep and Hook drew his sword to finish the job. They struggled but Hook was able to lacerate Cady’s tattooed flesh.
Sensing the upper hand, Hook stopped to taunt his assailant. “Now you’ll pay for what you did to my Smee.”
As Hook positioned himself for the death blow, Cady swung his leg and ruptured the tendons in Hook’s leg with a mighty kick. As Hook began to crumple in pain Cady grabbed his hook and plunged the point deep into Hook’s belly.
“Nice form,” Hook whimpered as death claimed him. “I want my mommy”
View Tournament Bracket
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