The Postal Service is a hip musical duo that makes catchy electro pop-rock that automatically raises the “cool” quotient when included as a background for commercials for any wares you may want to sell on television. Their music is also well-suited for the emotional confessionals and montage sequences at the end of reality TV shows.

But did you know that there’s another, less well-known Postal Service? That’s right. I’m talking about the United States Postal Service.

I don’t imagine that the last ten or fifteen years have been very kind to the postal service. With the advent of various new and fancy communications technologies like fax machines and email, “snail mail,” (as it was briefly called by hipsters at the end of last century), has become the Boo Radley of the world of written messages.

There once was a time when the only way to send Aunt Marge greetings and photos of little Bobbie and Susie’s birthday parties was to put pen to paper, shove your documents into an envelope, affix proper postage, and trust that within the week, she would receive your familial messages. Yes, once upon a time, mail was king.

But since those days, the postal service has been dethroned as the de facto method for getting the word out. Now fax machines, email, and even text messaging have taken over, and rightly so, as there is simply no comparison between the immediacy of today’s digital magic and yesterday’s slow motion.

But I wonder about the changes being wrought by email and text messaging. I wonder what has changed more: a) what we communicators decide is worthy of putting in the mailbox or b) how we communicate altogether. In other words, has the ability to send the written word to Hong Kong instantaneously only changed what I write? Or has how I write been changed as well?

Is Mail Worth the Effort Anymore?

Obviously a new method of choosing what should be sent via the postal service has arisen since we now have a choice. Given the choice between simply emailing a letter with attachments and mailing a hand-written letter and printed photos, it’s a no-brainer that you would choose the method that uses the least amount of time and effort, unless the messiness of sentimentality enters the equation. Sentimentality might dictate that if messages contain anything other than the dry, emotionless prose of business correspondence, those messages might call for more permanence than an email or text message lends. (See “On Books, Libraries and Knowledge in the Information Age,” for more on this idea of permanence.) When someone, spurred on by a need to preserve memory, chooses the more difficult, time-consuming route of mailing actual physical letters, they swim against the current of where technology would take our communication. Whether this is a heroic act or foolish stubbornness is up for interpretation.

Are Actual Words Worth the Effort Anymore?

If you are of the “descriptive” persuasion when it comes to issues of grammar, you can’t ignore the fact that an emergent set of rules for the written word has sprung forward contemporaneously with the parallel emergent technologies. This emergent set of rules seems to simply reject all previous rules of punctuation, (in a way similar to Bruce Lee’s “no-style” style of fighting.) Capitalization is now arbitrary. The new grammar is minimalist and succinct. What used to be expressed via letter as “Oh, my gosh! That is so funny! I can’t tell you how clever that was. And so true!” might now be expressed as “ROTFL :-)” or “LOL!” in an email or text message.

And so I wonder, with the influx of new ways of abbreviating our common phrases, will we ever get to the point where we write exclusively in abbreviated form? And if what we say to each other is comprised entirely of understood, conventional clichés like “IMHO,” is real communication even occurring? For the typical model of communication includes at least one receptor of new information; but clichés are by their nature not new information for anybody. Or even worse, if no new information is being exchanged-is real, individual thought even occurring? What I’m describing is a strange situation: with great convenience comes intellectual atrophy.

So, as you lick those 39 cent stamps that used to cost 15 cents and fold up that hand-written letter to Grandma, remember that you are committing an act of communicative sabotage on the new machine.

This summer, movie studios and multiplexes are teaming up to give you a tremendous opportunity. Millions of dollars and countless man-hours have been invested in making films in an effort to provide you with an avenue of entertainment as well as an opportunity to rid yourself of your pesky money.

Welcome to the 2006 Nerd City Summer Movie Preview Blowout Extravaganza.

Let’s explore, chronologically, a large portion of the films for which you can expect to be bombarded with ads over the next few months as they infiltrate a theater near you.

May

An American Haunting -Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek

A horror movie

Not a remake or sequel?

good enough for me

Mission Impossible 3 -Tom Cruise, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames

Never saw part 2

PSH>Cruise

Average mindless fun

Hoot -Luke Wilson, Nobody else I’ve ever heard of

Owls are creepy birds

Rather see hooters than hoot

Still a feel good film

Poseidon -Richard Dreyfuss, Kurt Russell

A boat sinking film

Perfect Storm or Titanic?

Somewhere in between

Just My Luck -Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay is lucky

Wish that I could get lucky

with Lindsay Lohan

Down in the Valley -Edward Norton, Evan Rachel Wood

Love scenes between leads

Norton 18 years older

Sounds super creepy

The Da Vinci Code -Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou

Wish the Catholics would

boycott Tom Hanks’ gross hair cut

instead of this film

Over the Hedge -Bruce Willis and about a million other people

So tired of Dreamworks

Cartoon animals send me

right over the ledge

X-Men: The Last Stand -Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, several hot ladies

If I were mutant

I would make Halle Berry

stop making movies

June

The Break-Up -Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Anniston

What a cute couple

Typical chick flick garbage

No thank you. I’ll pass

Harsh Times -Christian Bale, Eva Longoria

This movie looks dark

I mean really, really dark

Bale is perfect fit

Cars –Owen Wilson, Paul Newman and a bunch of other folks

The only thing worse

than cartoon animals is

cartoon cars and trucks

A Prairie Home Companion –Lily Tomlin, Meryl Streep, and many, many others

An outstanding cast

It will either be boring

or it will be great

The Omen –Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles

This look good to you?

See original instead

and save your money

Nacho Libre –Jack Black

Jack Black in spandex

If that doesn’t sound funny

This is nacho film

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift –Lucas Black, Bow Wow

If people call you

a simple-minded dumbass

this film is for you

The Lake House –Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves

Time travel love tale

Wish I could go back in time

and unmake this film

Click –Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken

If you like Sandler

you will enjoy this movie

otherwise don’t go

Garfield’s A Tale of Two Kitties –Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chest

Can a sequel based

on an unfunny comic

hope to make me laugh?

Superman Returns –Brandon Routh, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth

Who is this Routh kid?

With Spacey as Lex Luthor

the film should be good

The Devil Wears Prada –Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway

The real question is

Will Hathaway show her boobs

three films in a row?

Holy cow! I’m just now to the end of June and I’m way out of space. Looks like the rest of the summer preview is going to have to wait until a later issue. I know you were just dying to read a Haiku about Miami Vice, too.

Back once again with more of what you should, and MOST DEFINITELY, should see. Not the most thrilling intro I know, but I’m on a deadline, what do you people WANT from me?

Oh sure, I know I’ve had a month to write these. Sure, Sydney, you’re thinking, you’ve had to watch what, FIVE movies, and now because you procrastinated, now you want us to give you a pass on your lousy intro? Hell, you don’t even write FULL reviews. I’ve seen longer reviews when I read the Weekly Reader back in school. Hell, look at you now, switching from first to second person in mid-stream like this. You think we’d let you get away with this? You think just because you’re an internet columnist, you can break all sorts of literary rules just to save time? Just because you’re too lazy to hit the backspace button? Just because the little red squiggly line only busts you for spelling, not poor grammatical choices? And to think, I had high hopes for you. I thought you’d be one of the good ones, the talented ones. And you try to pull a stunt like this, writing a nothing intro. No wonder you make a crummy first impression……..

And to those of you thinking that, I say……..

That hurts.

A Sound of Thunder (2005) Ed Burns, Ben Kingsley *

Time-travel story with the age-old “what if you changed the past?” question. Horrible script and even worse special effects. Somewhat infamous in that the film producers ran out of money before completing the special effects leading to visuals that look more suited to a Playstation game than a movie. Laughable (almost MST3K-worthy) dialogue and Ben Kingsley sports what could possibly be the worst rug in recent memory. So bad it’s almost good, but also so bad it’s pretty bad.

Frances (1982) Jessica Lange, Sam Shepard ***

Docudrama based on the life of 40’s actress Frances Farmer, a woman whose attitude and beliefs led her to be falsely (?) committed to a mental institution. Lange gives an amazing performance that is worth seeing on its own, but the film relies a little too heavily on the drama and less on the “docu.” Major character in the film never even existed and the controversial climax may also have been greatly exaggerated in real life. (Even Lange says there’s a 50/50 chance what happened at the film’s end never happened at all.) Recommended, though several scenes are very difficult to watch.

Junebug (2005) ***½

Small-town slice-of-life story about a man returning to his home with his new wife and his interactions (and lack thereof) of said family. Very much a dialogue-driven film with little in the way of plot, though Amy Adams as the pregnant sister-in-law STEALS the film with an amazing portrayal of both annoyance and sweetness. Don’t expect twists and turns and you’ll be fine. A movie that thrives on the little moments, it’s one that begs you to pay attention. If you’ve ever been to small town America, you’ll be hard pressed to not relate to some of it.

Manhattan (1979) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton ***

Woody Allen is a divorcee dating a teenage girl while falling in love with his best friend’s mistress. Visually stunning with a great Gershwin score. Oddly, it’s the plot (or somewhat lack thereof) that keeps it from being one of Allen’s best. Great dialogue and all, but truth be told, I found it difficult to relate to the characters or the situations. And the Allen-teenager scenes just seemed a little too icky. Not as good as his best films, and it’s rumored to be one of Allen’s own least liked films. But worth a look, I just didn’t see it as the masterpiece others did.

Hilarious film about making low budget films with the unique quirk in that in the entire film, only ONE take isn’t ruined by some outside element. Great script, great acting, and a complete movie-stealing sequence by actor-playing-an-actor James LeGros (as an egotistical stud rumored to be based on Brad Pitt.) If you’ve ever wanted to make a movie, this will show you exactly why you wouldn’t want to.

I’ll write an actual intro next time. I’ll even watch five films in under four weeks. Until next time.

-Sydney Brown

Mirror, Mirror

Rating: “Jim!”
Synopsis:

Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura are caught in the energizer during an ion storm, and wind up on a different Enterprise than the one they had left. Spock now has a beard and salutes him in a sort of Nazi-istic fashion. Errors are also punished with a device called an agonizer, which Kcops uses on what appears to be Lt. Kyle.

Kirk and the other three discuss the strange things they see, and Kirk orders Uhura to go to the bridge to look at the latest logs. While there, Uhura is met by Sulu. But Sulu is very amorous and has somehow acquired an ugly scar on the side of his face. Kirk comes onto the bridge and Kcops is there, too. Kirk, instead of annihilating the Halkans, as ordered by……The Empire?…for not giving up their dilithium crystals gives them a little more time. Kcops is unsure of this, and says he will have to report Kirk. Kirk then leaves the bridge and is joined by Chekov. Strangely, Chekov, along with a few other men, attempt to kill Kirk. Vokehc is knocked out by what appears to be some of Kirk’s own henchmen. Eventually, the heroes figure out they are caught in some sort of parallel universe, and with the help of Kcops, are brought back to their own Enterprise.

There isn’t really much to say in terms of plot with this episode. I wouldn’t begin to know if this is the original “mirror universe” science fiction story, but it’s the first I’ve ever seen of it. I’m a huge fan of mirror universe stuff. I love the dynamic of the familiar being unfamiliar. I gave “Mirror, Mirror” a rating of “JIM!”, but I have always felt it could have been much more. There have been other episodes in comics and novels that have revisited the mirror universe, but I haven’t read them.

The fun of this episode for me has always been to imagine what the other crew members are like. Sure, we see that Spock has a beard, Sulu has a scar, and Chekov has no physical changes. But like Sulu, he is vicious. We see a short bit of mirror Kirk, or Krik, as I might like to call him, but it’s rather unremarkable. I imagine Krik would be closer to the animalistic side of Kirk that we see in the episode “The Enemy Within.” Krik is probably a womanizer, maybe even guilty of rape and alcoholism. Eh, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a little too dark. I also, for some reason, imagine him to be a heavy cigar smoker. I can’t imagine what Dr.Yoccm would look like or Aruhu would look like. I imagine Aruhu wearing slightly heavier, darker eye makeup. I imagine Yttocs to be bald and go a few days without shaving.

My favorite component of this episode, however, is a little more subtle. At one point, Ulus is subtly threatening Kcops with assassination, but Kcosp says that his associates would surely avenge his death. He informs Ulus that his associates are, “…..as you know………Vulcan.” That is TOUGH.

Nature and technology. I would imagine most people would either have not much to say about the relationship between these two concepts, or would say that they are diametrically opposed. For a smaller group of people, technology is seen as an evil force that will destroy nature unless we take action to stop it. These sort are usually called Luddites. Ludd was a (possibly mythical) man who destroyed factory machines during the industrial revolution.

For a probably much smaller group, technology can not advance quickly enough. They envision a planet where nature as we know it is left behind in technology’s wake, and is all the better for it. For lack of a better term, I’ll call them anti-Luddites and they actually scare me a lot. In a world controlled by such people, (I’m picturing evil scientists), if we made just a few terrible mistakes we would be overrun by tiny, self-replicating nanotech robots that feed off of matter itself. These robots would quickly reduce our planet to a giant “gray goo” ball of themselves, killing everything in their path.

I find myself in yet another group. I believe there is a healthy middle ground where the natural world and technology can mix together, forming innovative and helpful devices.

In William Gibson’s novel Idoru there is an Oregon-based computer company (they are also called a “commune” and a “cult” by some of Gibson’s characters), called the Sandbenders. Gibson does not go into great detail describing the sort of computers the Sandbenders build, but from what he does say, they are beautiful, simple but powerful, and almost organic machines… basically the anti-Dell computer. They are also, in my mind, one of the best descriptions of that middle ground between nature and technology… an almost perfect meshing of the two seemingly exclusive worlds.

From the novel: “[The Sandbenders] started with a woman who was an interface designer. Her husband was a jeweler [...] and a big green, too, and hated the way consumer electronics were made, a couple of little chips and boards inside these plastic shells. The shells were just point-of-purchase eye-candy made to wind up in a landfill if nobody recycled it, and usually nobody did. He used to tear up her hardware, the designer’s, and put the real parts into cases he’d make in his shop. People liked touching all that stuff: metal, the smooth stone.” To me, the people behind the Sandbenders are some sort of mix between Apple, Bob Moog (of Moog synthesizers), and the PC-modding kid that lives down your street. They understand that technology can be very helpful, but at the same time, they design it so that it seems like a natural extension of ourselves. In Idoru you get the feeling that Sandbenders are relatively scarce devices because when people see the main character’s Sandbender, they become enthralled with it and just want to hold it and touch it. The technology actually makes people want to use it, which is something rarely seen today. The closest current examples of this I can think of are the iPod and the Quicksilver launching utility for Apple’s OS X.

I recently went on a two-day hike up a mountain in Hong Kong. We walked up a trail leading through trees and brush, stayed in a cabin that had no electricity, and then hiked back down the mountain the next day. I have not done much of this sort of thing and am not in great hiking shape so I soon found myself pondering ways in which technology could be of assistance during one of humanity’s best ways of returning to nature, a hike. I thought of things such as water purifiers, flashlights and helicopters (we passed a helipad about half way up and I kept imagining how painful it would be to break or sprain an ankle two miles from this pad and having to hobble down to it).

Besides these obvious, (and real), technologies, I found myself inventing new devices. My favorite was what I call the roboteraffestuhl, (that’s what I got when I ran “robot monkey chair” through Google’s english-to-german translator). It’s a chair that sits about four feet off the ground on robot legs and it has a prehensile robot tail. As we marched up the trail I pictured myself sitting leisurely on my roboteraffestuhl…It plucks an apple for me out of a nearby tree with its’ tail and I start to doze off under the rhythmic swaying of its’ powerful, yet graceful, robot legs. A while later, I look down at my friends as sweat pours down their grimacing faces, offering them a slice of apple, saying “I told you you should have brought your roboteraffestuhl .”

The more I think about it, I’m actually not sure that I would want a robotic monkey chair that would hike up mountains for me. There is something cleansing and refreshing about occasionally pushing your body to its physical limits.

Maybe the place where humanity will most readily accept new technology is where it extends our reasoning and memory abilities, sort of a mechanistic, human-improvement system. In Idoru, the characters can “port” into their computers, using them as sort of sans-cerebral, (to borrow a phrase from a friend), memory devices. I imagine that a simple device that quickly, intuitively, and securely helps you remember things and search through the data in your head, would be a wonderful new tool welcomed by most people. If the alternative was a dark, lonely life of senility, I’d imagine such a device could eventually be accepted by even the staunchest Luddite.