Hello Apollo, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Through the ship they’re slowly creeping,
They plan to kill us while we’re sleeping,
Alarm bells that pierce my waking brain
Still remain
It was the sounds of Cylons.

In restless dreams we walked alone
In this huge ship that we call home
In the glow of an emergency lamp,
We aim our blasters at the lifeless camp

Then our eyes were stabbed by the flash of a laser light
That split the night
And broke the sound of silence.

“Fools” we said, “you do not know
Their numbers like a cancer grows.
We’ve really got to take the fight to where
They make these metal men of war I swear”
So they asked us to destroy the factory
This they plea
It’s the war with the Cylons

And in the factory light we saw
Ten thousand robots without flaw.
Cyborgs talking without speaking,
Machines hearing without listening.
We plant the bomb and leave like we were never there
And we swear
We left the sound of silence.

And the bulkheads bowed and swayed
As lasers ‘cross the ship were splayed.
And the klaxon flashed its warning,
The alarm that it was forming.
And the sign said, “The Galactica is under attack”
and then the lights went black
And all we heard
Were the sounds of Cylons.

Much discussion has been made about the quality of the third season of Star Trek. In most Trekkie and Trekker circles, it is viewed as the Cooper Manning of the Star Trek family. If viewed through a less intense lens of science fiction, the third season can be entertaining, although it is indeed an enigma. You have some very good episodes, some iconic episodes, and some episodes that seem to have been written under the influence of some very good drugs. Season 3 is all over the place, but one bit of consistency that can be found is a high entertainment value.

I am much different from most Star Trek fans. As much as I adore the show, I don’t take it all that seriously. My love for Star Trek comes not only from a love of space science fiction, but also from a love of ironic, unintentional comedy. Therefore, some of the more “classic” earnest-toned science fiction episodes are rather boring for me, while some of the “turkeys” are some of my favorites.

I decided this week not to bore you, (or perhaps moreso me), with the episodic details of The Way to Eden. It’s not really important. All you need to know is that a group of space hippies has hijacked a Federation vessel in order to find the planet Eden. The space hippies are lead by the insane Dr. Slavin. At some point during the third season, the writers decided that they needed to address the cultural and political climate of the 60’s and parallel it into the Star Trek universe. Of course, a big aspect of 60’s culture, or counterculture if you will, were hippies. So Star Trek felt the need to address the hippie culture of 20th Century Earth. I’m glad they did. What resulted was the funniest episode of Star Trek.

Let’s start off with the slang that the Trek writers had our hippies adopt. The most used slang word by the space hippies is “Herbert.” “Herbert” is someone who is not exactly “groovy” or “with it”, if you will. “Herbert” is one who upholds the values of “the man.” Now, if something is groovy or cool, then it is “now.” For example, the guitar playing hippie, Adam, steps into Spock’s quarters and when he hears Spock play his Vulcan lute, (I actually have no idea what that thing is called), he says, “Man, that is so NOW.” Another term for “cool” or “groovy” would be for something to “sound.” Once again, after Adam hears Spock play his lute, Adam says, “That SOUNDS.” Finally, if you and your brother agree on something, then you “reach.”

Let’s talk for a moment about Spock’s musical abilities, which are emphasized in this episode. About 2/3 into the episode, we are treated to a musical lute/guitar duet by Spock and one of the space hippies. This was preceded by a whole musical number by the space hippies in near entirety. We are also shown cuts of the Enterprise crew enjoying the music, no doubt thinking to themselves, “This sounds.”

The conflict comes in when Captain Kirk doesn’t reach with his crew fraternizing with the space hippies. He has a ship to run, of course. Spock also discovers that Slavin is insane, and the hippies reach Eden. Unfortunately, it is not the Paradise of Now that our hippie friends thought it was. A scene where we see a dead Adam with an apple lying next to his hand tells us that. We also get a poignant reprise of the song, “Going to Eden,” as we see a dead Adam lying on the ground. As you can see, I cannot do this episode justice. It is horrible and awesome all at the same time. The Way to Eden and I totally reach.

I’ve never outgrown the boyhood fantasy of being an astronaut. It hasn’t happened, and it never will. I never took my fascination with space very seriously. I was always a little embarrassed by it. In fact, I forgot about it through my adolescence and early college years. I rediscovered it the spring of my junior year in college, when I healed myself from a terrible crush by sticking my nose in my studies for a semester. I hid myself in schoolwork and obsession to prove to myself that I was as smart as some people told me I was. During this period, I would stay up in the late hours of Sunday night reading and doing all kinds of homework. In those days, Channel 4 would show two episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek. Four hours of Star Trek. Hiding in a cave of business and marketing homework and cheesy science fiction TV gave me an incredible amount of comfort. The thing was I didn’t discover my love for space and space television; I simply rediscovered it. Growing up, I was a big fan of Battlestar Galactica and Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, although I was way too small to understand the concept of the shows. I even wore a plastic Buck Rogers costume for Halloween when I was about 4. It was way too big for me, but apparently I had my heart set on being Buck Rogers that year.

We learned last week that James Doohan, (better known as Scotty from Star Trek), will have his ashes sent into space in a rocket later this month by a company called Space Services. On a related note, Gene Roddenberry had his ashes sent into orbit by the same company. People talk about having their ashes spread out at sea or somewhere they loved. You never hear about people wanting their ashes taken to space. I’ll probably never do it because I’m not that eccentric, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t given it some thought.

Space, it could be argued, is heaven. Why not have both your soul and your body in the heavens? But outside of that, why space? Space, both in fiction and reality, holds an explicit measure of every concept that I love or value: adventure, mystery, security, and comfort, (I do recognize the oddity of pairing concepts of adventure with security.) The biggest thing, however, may be the concept of possibility. Space is a reminder of how small I am, but what’s more- space is a reminder of how small everyone and everything else is. I’m not in control, and neither is anyone else. Space is a symbol for how little I know, but also how much I can find out. While the Earth is full of trouble and confinement, space is free. Some have argued that the largest statement of the popularity of Star Trek has been its message of hope. I’m completely on board with that. It tells us that “beyond” is a better place.

Buck Rogers in the 25th Century is the most underappreciated of all space shows. Unfortunately, the reason why it is so underappreciated is because most people associate the show with Season One, which was basically a series of Magnum P.I. in space. That isn’t to say that Season One is not very good. It’s just that it often times fails to capture the essence of a true space show. The show also fails in Season 1 to capitalize on the strong theme of a lonely, homesick man lost in the future. Too often the show tries to be a 70’s crime show in space instead of a space show that just happened to be produced in the 70’s. This fact lends itself to a high cheese factor, to the show’s misfortune. There are exceptions, however: the science fiction in “Space Vampire” and Buck’s homesickness in “A Dream of Jennifer.” Both episodes are clearly the best of the first season.

In the second season, the show takes a much different turn. It’s assumed that the second season is weaker only because it is so different from the first season. Even the music is much different. The second season differences are a result of a writer’s strike in 1980, and actor Gil Gerard’s alleged desire for the show to have more of a focus on science fiction. The result is a better show, balanced by moments that are still utter cheese. The sets are still bad, and the music is hammy. But the stories are better, even if the execution is a little questionable. Wilma returns, but more so in the role of a sidekick. Also, Twiki returns, but at least for the first few episodes, Mel Blanc’s wisecracking voice is replaced by a generic, cartoonish tenor. The new character Hawk is introduced as some sort of half- human, half-bird character. Other characters are introduced, like Admiral Asimov, Dr. Goodfellow, and perhaps most importantly of all, the starship Searcher. All of these elements give the second season of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century a very Star Trek-like feel, thus making it superior to the show we saw in Season One.

There are a few episodes with scripts that would have translated nicely into Star Trek: The Original Series episodes. The first one that comes to mind is my second favorite BRin25C episode, “The Hand of Goral.” It’s obviously an homage to the TOS episode “Mirror, Mirror”, but I daresay that the story of “Hand of Goral” is superior. I’ve always been able to appreciate the subtle revelation of the alternate universe in “Hand of Goral” over the explicitness of “Mirror, Mirror.” We don’t get any sidekicks with beards, different uniforms, or helmsmen with scars. Instead, we get small, subtle differences in the temperaments of the characters. We get paranoia, fear, and underhandedness. The explanation is a bit cloudy and confusing, but the ride is enjoyable.

My favorite episode is another second season installment called “The Guardians”, which also would have translated beautifully as a TOS episode. In it, Buck and Hawk are given a green box that makes the crew see visions, sometimes terrifying. The alternate reality theme is present in this episode as well. The explanation is that the box in some way is a balance for time and space, and if it is not in the hands of the property “guardian,” time and space are hurled into chaos. The story seems closer to a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode than a TOS episode, but would still work very well. “The Mark of the Saurian” is about how an enemy alien race called the Saurians are somehow able to make themselves look like members of the Earth Defense Directorate, and come aboard the Searcher. Buck is very ill, and somehow because of his illness he is the only one that can see that the Directorate members are Saurians.

Season 2 has more than its fair share of stupidity: “The Golden Man” and “The Crystals” are absolutely horrible. You might have to be in the right mood for “Time of the Hawk” and “Testimony of a Traitor.” At some point, I may give full reviews of these episodes.

(The U.S.S. Enterprise receives a distress signal from 20th Century Earth. Kirk and Spock beam down to where the distress signal has originated. The coordinates match a small bar outside of Brainerd, North Dakota. In order to blend in with that society, Kirk and Spock dress in clothes of that region and time period….turtlenecks and wool coats. Spock, of course, has to wear a stocking cap to cover his ears.)

Kirk: What a peculiar place this is, Mr. Spock.

Spock (taking out his tricorder): Indeed, Captain. However, this establishment is not dissimilar to our officer’s club on board the Enterprise. I have noticed, Captain, that there is one patron that is not participating in the consumption of elixiric beverages nor playing billiards.

(Spock points to a fidgety, sandy-haired gentleman sitting in a booth. They both walk over to the booth and sit down.)

Kirk: We received your distress signal. What is this about, Mr………

Jerry: Lundergaard, Jerry Lundegaard. Pleased to meet you.

Kirk: We’ll see about that, Mr……….Lundegaard, is it?

Jerry: Yes, Jerry. Jerald. Jerry. Jerry Lundegaard. I work for my father-in-law, Wade.

Spock: Weed?

Jerry: No, Wade.

Spock: (raises an eyebrow)

Kirk: What do you want from us, Mr…Lundegaard?

Jerry: Well,….it’s Jean……it’s my wife……it’s Jean……………..

Kirk: What does your wife have to do with my ship, Mr?

Jerry: Well, I’d like for you to kidnap my wife. See, I’m going to take the ransom money from my father-in-law and then I’ll give it to you guys.

Kirk: Why?

Jerry: See?…..these are personal matters that……see…..I needn’t………….

Spock: Forgive me, Mr. Lundegaard, but your plan seems illogical. It is……to coin a phrase from your 20th century culture…… “robbing Peter to pay Paul.”

Jerry: No, it’s not.

Spock: Indeed it is, Mr. Lundegaard

Jerry: No….see?….it’s…..

Kirk: We are not going to debate with you, Mr. We are not going to sit here and debate. We don’t need your money. Why else should we do this?

Jerry: Well, I’ll knock $100 off the TruCoat I put on your ship……..

Kirk: Are you threatening my ship, Mr!?!?!?!?!

Jerry: No……no…..I’m not…….no. (chuckles)

Spock: Forgive me again, Mr. Lundegaard, but we should contact the local law enforcement.

Jerry: NO! No cops! This is my deal here!

Kirk: All right. We’ll do it. For my ship.

(The next day, Spock and Kirk take Jerry’s tan Sierra and kidnap his wife, Jean. They drive back to Brainerd, but on the way they are stopped by a local highway patrolman. Spock, in a fit of Vulcan rage because of the imminent Pon Fa’ar, kills the Highway Patrolman in cold blood. Kirk calls Lundegaard at his office.)

Jerry: Jerry Lundegaard here.

Kirk: Listen to me. Listen to me, Mr. Where’s that money? I have to get back to my ship.

Jerry: I…..I don’t have the money just yet there……see…..I…….

Kirk: Listen to me, Mr. You drop the money off on top of the parking lot garage or we’ll turn you in to the local authorities. We need that money now. Blood has been shed, Jerry, blood has been shed.

Jerry: What are you talking about? What have you two gotten yourselves mixed up in? This was supposed to be a no rough stuff type deal. Now, a deal’s a deal……….

Kirk: Listen to me, Mister!! You ask those two poor souls in Brainerd if a deal’s a deal. Go ahead, you Klingon bastard, ask them!!

Jerry: Whatdaheckdoyoumean?

Kirk: “Whatdaheckdoyoumean”?

(Kirk hangs up.)

(Later, Spock and Kirk are on the top level of the parking garage waiting for the drop. But instead of Jerry, they get an old man they don’t recognize.)

Spock: Forgive me, but where is Jerry?

Wade: Here’s your money!! Now where’s my daughter. I’m not just whistling Dixie here, I assure you…..

Kirk: Where’s Jerry? Is he doing something to my ship??

Wade: Where’s Jean?

Spock: Give us the currency, sir, and you shall have your daughter.

Wade: No Jean, no money!!

Kirk: Is this some kind of joke

Wade: No Jean, no money, you dumbass!!

Kirk: Well, double-dumbass on you!!

(Kirk then takes out his phaser and kills Wade.)

The End

It’s time for yet another glance at a Star Trek character, and in my opinion, the most important one: the USS Enterprise.

I’ve maintained for as long as I can remember that without the Enterprise, there can be no Star Trek. The absence of Enterprise has been the main reason for my disinterest in Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It is in my mind the third member of the Cornerstone Trio of Star Trek: Kirk, Spock, and the Enterprise. The Enterprise is the machine that drives the journey to the stars. Without Enterprise, the name “Star Trek” makes no sense.

No where is this more aptly demonstrated than in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. The Enterprise is returning to dock after a fierce battle with the maniacal Khan, and without one of her sons, Spock. She returns victorious, yet wounded. Kirk is told by his fleet admiral that Enterprise will be decommissioned. In the meantime the slicker, more modern starship called the Excelsior will begin its voyage in Enterprise’s stead. Kirk, on the insistence of Spock’s father Sarek, sets out to retrieve Spock’s body to join with Spock’s soul, (which Spock has placed inside Dr. McCoy. You’ll have to watch the movie to see how this works.) Kirk recruits the old crew to hijack Enterprise out of dock. Captain Stiles of the Excelsior sees the Enterprise leave dock and chases them. The slicker, faster Excelsior should be able to easily track down the wounded old girl, right?

Wrong.

The trusty old girl, undoubtedly determined to find her lost “son”, gives all she has and leaves Excelsior in the dust. (Excelsior’s engines shut down trying to make it to warp speed). The older, wiser and more dependable Enterprise outduels the sleaker Excelsior. So much for the latest technology? Ahem…

Sadly, later in the movie, in order to deflect being apprehended by a renegade Klingon crew, Kirk energizes the crew and himself onto the surface of the Genesis planet and destroys Enterprise with the Klingons on it. The shot of the crew watching Enterprise fall from the sky is one of my favorite shots in any Star Trek movie.

The Enterprise is our trusty steed in our journey through the stars. She gets us out of danger, gets us home, and takes us to worlds unknown. Confined to dangers of strange alien worlds, the silver glow of the Enterprise docked among the stars is more than a welcome site.

This week we’ll take a look at the second best character in the Star Trek serial, as well as the greatest captain the U.S.S. Enterprise has ever known.

His name is James Tiberius Kirk from Iowa. James Kirk was developed by Gene Roddenberry as a “space-aged Horatio Hornblower.” To the Trek outsider, it’s always been joked that Kirk was a ladies’ man who had sex with green women. That’s only partially true. Kirk was more than just a ladies’ man.

He is a little bit harder to identify with than Spock because of his lack of serene introspection. At some points, Kirk comes across as a Type-A, shallow man of action and nothing more. However, there are moments where we get glimpses of Kirk’s Everyman depth. Case in point, the episode Requiem for Methusaleh shows that Kirk is not merely a starship captain, but is a lonely man who connects deeply with a woman he cannot have, and his emotions get in the way of prudent decision-making.

That’s the Kirk that I like.

Another underappreciated, (or maybe not), aspect of Kirk is his fighting skill. When it all comes down to it, Jean-Luc Picard is a nancy-boy. Jim Kirk is a fighter. I would argue that some of the most entertaining moments are when Kirk fights. High comedy ensues when you see the move Kirk puts on evil rogue starship captain Ronald Tracy to win the fight in the episode The Omega Glory. And you won’t be able to watch the fight between Kirk and an Andorian assassin in the episode Journey to Babel, without roaring in laughter at the awkward choreography of the fight. (Pay close attention to the little knee-drop bounce move Kirk puts on the Andorian to end the fight.)

Kirk had his tough fights though. He was essentially killed in a fight with Spock in Amok Time, and, (in what was almost the biggest upset in Star Trek fight history), proconsul Jerrus, deceiving us with his white collar, nancy-boy, Old Man Moses appearance, gave Kirk a decent enough fight in The Cloudminders. All of this is to say that Kirk was a fighter, while Picard was merely an administrator. Picard’s famous line was, “Make it so.” Kirk would scoff at “make it so” and would push that daffodil Jordi LaForge out of his way to “make it so” himself. And Wesley Crusher? Kirk would have fed him to the Horta.

Also, in the episode Mirror, Mirror we get a brief glimpse of the Imperial commander Jim Kirk. He doesn’t look any different. My fanboy version of parallel universe Kirk would have had him smoking a cigar, maybe have a tattoo on his forearm.

However, I can’t hammer Picard too hard for saying “make it so” without getting onto Kirk about how many times he says “my ship.” Kirk is obsessed with the Enterprise to a disconcerting degree. There are times I have to ask myself if Kirk is referring to the people on board, or if he really is all for preserving that hunk of metal. I mean, any time Kirk is threatened, he always says “my ship.” What is Kirk concerned about? Is he concerned about the lives involved, or is he more concerned with how much money Starfleet would lose if the actual vessel was lost?

All told, I believe Kirk is a good guy. But he takes himself so seriously that he crosses the line into unintentional comedy. We never get the sense that he is really the “rock” that he is rumored to be.

I would argue that McCoy is more of a source of security than Kirk. Jim gets stressed out pretty easily, and wants to fight at the first sign of trouble. In many ways, he’s the ultimate guy. He represents some of the flaws of our gender…..the males. Guys, if we’re honest with ourselves, when we are threatened and afraid, what’s the first thing we want to do: fight. When I’m sick, I feel threatened and imagine the sickness taking human form and having a fight to the death. When I feel the credit card company is trying to screw me over, I want to fight. I can’t do anything… can’t function… until we fight to resolve the matter.

Yes, oddly enough Jim Kirk, the hero of Star Trek, represents human error. In that way, it is not McCoy who is Spock’s opposite, but rather Captain Kirk himself. Kirk represents how we respond to fear and threat: we don’t take a step back and realize that there is a resolution to the problem with time and patience. We want it resolved right this very instant with our might and with our emotion.

During a recent church sermon, I heard something that resonated with me. The preacher said that we are all working towards getting our lifelines to look straight. We say that once “this” or “that” happens, then our lifeline will look like the beautiful horizontal line we’ve always dreamed it would be. However, the fact is our lifeline will never look straight. Once we think everything is in order, something will happen that will make our lifeline dip a little. There is always going to be adversity as well as good times. It’s been said before, but life is a bunch of ups and downs. Life is a highway, and we do want to ride it all night long, but it’s a hilly highway. I think a part of us wishes that we could face the adversity with a certain level of calm and, dare I say, detachment.

Spock is my favorite fictional character of all time, beating out the likes of Hank Hill, Indiana Jones, B.J. Hunnicutt, and Hawkeye Pierce. When the title “Star Trek” is mentioned many people think of Captain Kirk, Klingons, the Enterprise, or, (God forbid), Lt. Data. I easily think of Spock.

Those who know me away from Nerd City have heard me opine that without the character Enterprise, there is no Star Trek. However, I need to take the liberty of contradicting myself to say that Spock is the glue that holds the franchise together. He is the gentle, steadfast, loyal motor that keeps this boat afloat. There are so many unknowns among the stars, and a steady, matter-of-fact voice of reason is needed in such a time.

The beautiful thing about Spock is he is not the cold, logical being that a full-blooded Vulcan would be. He is half human. He can be affected. In some way, it’s as if the logic with which he faces adversity is by choice. The big theme in the plot wherever Spock is concerned is the battle between man and machine. The question is asked: which is better and more trustworthy, the efficiency of logic, or the authenticity of emotion and the human heart? I do not believe that it’s ever been stated, but I would guess that Roddenberry made Spock half-human and half-Vulcan to portray this struggle. Throughout the series, Spock is faced with certain situations where logic does not apply, and he is forced to confront his emotions.

Why I love Spock so much is not that he is conflicted by his emotions when he is supposed to be a logical being, but rather he chooses the serenity of logic only where it applies. Logic dictates that there is a solution to every problem. Every problem can be solved no matter how big. This is more explicit in the Spock we see in later movies when he is Captain Spock or Ambassador Spock. What’s more, while Spock’s logic is so seemingly perfect, he uses it to enact betterment for all races. For the Vulcan race to conduct themselves in a manner that benefits the good of the many suggests an ironic level of feeling. I’m convinced Spock is the fulfillment of what the Vulcans had in mind when it embraced logic.

For them, logic is not meant to be a detachment of all emotion, but rather a way to govern fairly an imperfect people so that community and life can be provided. To do whatever promotes life, does that not somehow suggest a level of emotion? What’s so great is Spock enhanced logic to do just that: promote life and harmony among all races of different planets. He was the ultimate ambassador, and as Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country seems to suggest, was a pioneer in ending hostilities and years of racism between the Klingons and the people of Earth. What Spock stood for is almost…………messianic.

Spock tells us that there is an answer to all things. He doesn’t necessarily tell us that there is nothing to fear, but rather there is no reason to fear. Fear is illogical. I know a lot of people, when they are faced with fear and trying to figure how things will work out, they pick up the Bible and look at people like Job, Daniel, or the Apostle Paul. Those are all fine Biblical examples.

However, if I’m honest, I don’t do that. When I’m faced with fear and uncertainty in my life, I put on my Star Trek DVDs and somehow learn that there is no reason to fear, and whatever may appear to be problematic is in reality… opportunity.

There is nothing you cannot handle.

That Which Survives
Rating: “Fascinating”

Synopsis:
Kirk, Sulu, McCoy, and geologist D’Amato beam down to what appears to be a new, but uninhabited planet. As they are energizing, a woman appears out of nowhere and exclaims, “Wait! You must not go!” The heroes are already beaming down, but before their molecules are completely scrambled they see the woman touch the transporter operator, killing him. They beam down, but the planet begins to quake as they arrive, as does the Enterprise, sending the ship out of the strange planet’s orbit.

Unable to contact the Enterprise, the foursome explore the planet. D’Amato runs into the strange woman from the transporter room. She tells D’Amato she knows who he is and says she is “for” him. She then touches D’Amato, killing him. McCoy discovers the body and proclaims that every cell in his body has been destroyed. The strange woman appears again, this time on the Enterprise, killing a crewman named Watkins, once again saying she is “for” him and knowing his name. She appears again on the planet’s surface, prepared to kill Sulu, but Kirk and McCoy keep the woman from touching Sulu. Kirk asks who the lady is, and she says her name is Losira, commander of the planet. She then vanishes into thin air.

They follow to the area where it appeared she vanished, and they come to an opening in some sort of cave. Once inside, they find some sort of cube and Losira appears, saying she is “for” Kirk. McCoy and Sulu step in front of Kirk, but two other Losiras show up “for” McCoy and Sulu. Spock and a landing party arrive just in time to destroy the cube, or what in actuality is a projected image to protect intruders from the planet. The inhabitants of the planet were killed by a disease, but the computer continued to operate its “defense” system, which was replicating images of the actual person of Losira.

The rest of the story is not. I think the first couple of minutes really gets you hooked. The last thing you expect to see when the captain and the beaming party are transporting is a woman appearing all of a sudden and killing the transporter operator. When I first saw the show, I thought, “What just happened?” Then the next thing you know there is an earthquake both on the planet and on the Enterprise. Now, I could be in the vast minority here, but of all the natural disasters I think the earthquake is the creepiest and most sinister. Not only is it deadly, but it produces mass confusion.

Losira is an intriguing kitten. I’m not sure she qualifies as a true villainess, but for the sake of my critique, she will be classified as such. At the end of the episode, Spock, McCoy, and Kirk remark that she is “beautiful.” Now while she is played by former Miss America Lee Meriwether, I’m not sure she would qualify in my book as beautiful in the kabuki makeup and hairstyle that would suggest some sort of space witch. I think she’s the scariest-looking of all the female villainesses.

“Fascinating” is probably a generous rating because the episode plods a little bit. But I love the plotline of being stuck on a mysterious planet with a murderous woman stalking about.

DAMON????!!!!

Just kidding. I actually don’t mind Matt Damon as the new James T. Kirk. What am I talking about? As some of you non-Trekkies, (and there are legions of you out there), may not know, there is a planned movie prequel for the next Star Trek movie. It will cover James T. Kirk’s early days in Starfleet Academy. I can’t give you any more of the scoop because that’s all anyone knows about it. No one even seems to know if Spock and other TOS heroes will be seen in the prequel. My assumption is that Spock will be included as he is arguably the most popular character in the entire serial.

The only morsel of information we seem to have on the planned prequel is that Matt Damon is slated to play James Kirk in the new movie. Even this has been tagged as “rumored.” I don’t have much of an objection to this bit of casting, which is not to say it’s good casting either. Matt Damon seems a little old to play a “young” James Kirk. Granted, if James Kirk is to be a captain in the prequel, I suppose Damon isn’t a bad fit.

But my choice would have been Leonardo DiCaprio. I think Leonardo DiCaprio is the best under-40 actor going right now, and young looking enough to pull off a 25-year-old or 30-year-old James Kirk. (DiCaprio is, after all, only 31.)

This has inspired me to play fantasy casting director for my latest column. Feel free to agree or disagree with the following choices. Of course, you can disagree all you like, but I’ll always be right.

Pavel Chekov: Jerry Ferrara. He’s best known as Turtle from “Entourage.” He has that round face, but pulling off the horrendous Russian accent remains to be seen.

Sulu: Terry Chen. Perhaps a bit too old to play a pre-Enterprise Sulu, but I like this guy. It’s perhaps a bit of my Almost Famous-bias coming into play. I can just hear him yelling at his partner during the Kobuyashi Moru, “Now get it together, man!!!” Craa-zy.

Montgomery Scott: Karl Urban. He resembles a young James Doohan, (or maybe I’m seeing things.) Being from New Zealand, he might be able to pull off the Scottish accent swimmingly. After all, Doohan was Canadian. Am I lead to believe a Canadian can pull off a Scottish accent better than a New Zealander? Yeah, I’m rambling…..

Gary Mitchell: Jason Lee. Gary Mitchell is a character from what many consider to be the true pilot of Star Trek, “Where No Man Has Gone Before.” To summarize, Mitchell is given god-like powers in a freak accident and becomes a menace that must be destroyed. We are also lead to believe that Mitchell and Kirk are old friends. Lee might be a little old here, but I believe that Mitchell was portrayed to be a little older than Kirk.

Mr. Spock: A hard bit of casting here. I gave the nod to Martin Starr. Some may remember his face more than his name as the dorky Bill from Freaks and Geeks. This isn’t a new revelation to me. I’ve always thought that Bill could be a Vulcan. He’s got that hair and the tall gawkiness. Pulling off stoicism might be a challenge, but I think Martin could do it.

Uhura: Thandie Newton. No question. No explanation needed. Just check out the face.

I thought I would write about some of my favorite women from Star Trek: TOS. I don’t have any set criteria for what constitutes my favorite of the women. It’s a combination of looks, intelligence, and niceness. Some may just make the list on looks alone, and some on intelligence alone. Also, this is a random ranking system as the women just come to me.

• Andrea from What are Little Girls Made Of – Played by actress Sherry Jackson, Andrea might be one of the best looking of the Star Trek women. I have a soft spot in my heart for soft-faced, brown-eyed brunettes, (among many other types of women). The one weak point of Andrea is she is an android. In a strange bit of irony, her androidness makes her cold and unintelligent. Give me emotional intelligence over computer/book smarts any day.
• Dr. Elizabeth Dehner from Where No Man Has Gone Before – Played by actress Sally Kellerman, this lady is one of my favorites. Yeah, she’s pretty, but she has a nice voice, is obviously very intelligent, and is fiercely loyal to her man. This is both a weakness and a strength.
• Lt. Mira Romaine from The Lights of Zetar – I’ve always had a soft spot for this lady. I’ve always taken note of her soft-spokenness, which, when combined with intelligence, is such a nice quality. It’s easy to see why Scotty has it bad for her. I thought the line Scotty says, telling Mira that she is the “nicest and sanest” person on board the Enterprise is one of the smoothest, and most sincere things you could say to a woman. I’m not a huge fan of this episode, but I really like the subplot of Scotty’s love, (or at least romantic interest), for Mira Romaine. It makes sense that in the madness and coldness of a long journey through space, Scotty is looking for a woman who carries the simple character traits of kindness and sanity. Aren’t we all looking for that in our women?
• Dr. Janice Lester from Turnabout Intruder – Speaking of sane women, Janice Lester is certainly not one. It’s appropriate to me that we go from Mira Romaine to Janice Lester. Why is this lady so high on my list? I think the actress Sandra Smith is very pretty, but also puts on an extremely charismatic performance. Whether she’s playing Lester or Kirk, it’s hard to take your eyes off her. Combine the faces of Courtney Cox and Tea Leone, and put some red hair on her and you get Dr. Janice Lester.
• Yeoman Tonia Barrows from Shore Leave – There isn’t much to this character other than the fact that she looks really good.
• Varas from Patterns of Force – The second blonde entry on the list, Varas is thought to be a Nazi-type soldier, but instead is revealed to be a rebel sympathizer on a planet that duplicates the Nazi military order. She doesn’t seem overly warm or friendly, but she’s obviously principled.
• Nona from A Private Little War – I have a thing for femme fatales.

One of my pet peeves is when worlds collide.� For those of you who aren’t Seinfeld aficionados, what I mean by “worlds colliding” is that I hate it when one friend or group of friends is around me at the same time another group of friends is around me.� In a perfect world, we would all get along.� Everyone would be just one big happy family.� We could bring our wife or girlfriend out with the guys.� We could hang with our wife or girlfriend when she’s with the girls (if you really, really wanted to).� Dear old friends would get along swimmingly with dear new friends.

Sometimes it happens.� In the case of the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton, worlds collided and all was right. Star Trek, a dear old friend, collides with Las Vegas, a dear new friend, and a strange yet beautiful relationship takes off.� Star Trek in the middle of Las Vegas is a sight to behold. Imagine this: eating one of the best Italian sandwiches you’ve ever had, drinking one of the strongest yet tastiest drinks you’ve ever had, while Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is playing on a big screen while you’re sitting under a canopy of artificial stars.� It was, no joke, heaven on earth.� The little restaurant inside is called Quark’s, and while the food and beverage was excellent if not a little overpriced, the ambience was some of the best, coldest vanilla ice cream on a sweet, hot apple pie.� While my companions and I didn’t actually go into the Star Trek Experience show, we stopped off at the gift shop before embarking on one of the most marvelous dining experiences I ever had.

I thought I would share with you a few of the more fascinating items I saw in the Star Trek Experience gift shop:

6-pack bottles of Romulan Ale

This was one of about 2 or 3 items that I had a really hard time passing up.� In the Star Trek universe, Romulan Ale is the equivalent of a Cuban cigar.� It is outlawed.� That gives the product enough of an air of mystique alone.� My companions and I could never figure out if the Romulan Ale offered at the gift shop was alcoholic.� It wasn’t offered in the beverages menu of Quark’s.� I couldn’t justify purchasing a product without knowledge of how it tasted or whether it was alcoholic or non-alcoholic.� I didn’t want to purchase a beverage that was both horrible tasting and non-alcholic. The novelty of the item wasn’t enough for me to purchase it. I want to be able to pull out a beverage on very special occasions and tell people that it was Romulan Ale that they were drinking.� It would be worth the price paid alone just to see the “Man, you are a nerd” looks on people’s faces for just owning something like this. But after that, what are you left with: a glorified turkey & dressing-flavored Jones soda?� I want it to be something I can enjoy after the novelty is gone. Next time I’m in Vegas, I plan to see if I can get a sample tasting of Romulan Ale.� If I were to guess, Romulan Ale is an exotic-sounding wine cooler.

“I’m With Illogical ——–>” t-shirt

One thing I loved about the Star Trek Experience gift shop was its inventory of products for the Trek fan who makes fun of himself for being a Trek fan.� Most of the t-shirts I saw were of this ilk.� When I came to the green t-shirt with the words “I’m With Illogical” with an arrow pointing to the side, I laughed out loud.� I almost bought it, but novelty clothes aren’t my thing at all.� Plus, I don’t know that non-Trek fans would be in on the joke of my t-shirt.� This was my favorite item of clothing in the whole place.

Federation Communicator

This was the hardest item to pass up in the whole gift shop. Among all the coffee mugs, action figures, and t-shirts, this was what really caught my eye.� I would have sweat bullets trying to keep my wallet in my pants pocket if I knew that the toy made that little noise the communicators make when you open it up.� I’ve been wanting my cell phone to make that little chirping noise when you flip it open.� Similarly, they had a phaser you could buy.� I’m not as intrigued by the phaser simply because it doesn’t make a chirping noise.

Yeah, simple pleasures for simple minds.

Ladies of Star Trek mural

Remember what I said about the gift shop having items for Trek fans who made fun of themselves for being Trek fans?� Well, they also had products for the Trek fan who took his Trek fandom over the edge.� This was a prime example.� This was a painting of all the different ladies of Star Trek, from Uhura to Tasha Yar to Captain Janeway.� Nurse Christine Chapel even made her way into the mural.� Based on the price for it, I’m guessing this falls under the “Collector’s Item” category, but I still thought it was really weird.� When I saw it, I just shook my head and said, “Wow.”

Vulcan teddy bear

I’m not into teddy bears, but I thought these were pretty cool.� They were funny because they had the ears, eyebrows, and the horrible Vulcan haircut.� They also had Borg teddy bears and other alien race teddy bears available.

I’m taking another break this week from an episode review. Let’s take a look at my favorite alien races from the Star Trek universe. In fact, I have decided to rank my top five alien races. This is another case where you newer fans will have to indulge me my Original Series bias. I did not include the Cardassians, (a very cool alien race that is used by the Trek universe to present the complexities of what we perceive to be violent cultures in our own world), or the Borg. My top five are all races that made appearances in the Original Series. Here we go:

5. Gorn – I’m always going to love a reptilian alien race in a science fiction serial. The Gorn made their first appearance in the episode Arena. They are first presented as mysterious alien invaders that wipe out a planet. We don’t see an actual Gorn until about a third of the way through the episode. When we first see the Gorn, we are taken aback to how monstrous they appear. Their attack on the planet seems so cerebral and calculated, and yet their physical appearance is that of a lizard. The Gorn captain, which battles Kirk in hand-to-hand combat on the planet, talks and sounds sort of cheesy. I would have preferred the Gorn captain to not speak English. It would add to the intrigue of how such a primal physical appearance could be so cerebral.

4. Orions – We don’t know much about the Orions aside from the fact that they are green and the females of the race have animalistic sexual appetites. That’s good enough for me. I’m not at all familiar with the Animated Series, but apparently the Orions are portrayed in this series as a pirate race. I don’t know how canonized this fact is, but as a result, I’ve always regarded them as pirates, too. Males that are pirates……….females that are sexual beasts. Spec-tacular. Once again, we know very little about them, which adds to their appeal.

3. Romulans – In TOS, the Romulans are the other alien race that is presented as the Federation’s foil. The Romulans make their first appearance in Balance of Terror. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of this episode because it flows too slowly and two-thirds of the episode focuses on the chess game. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I love how they are introduced to us. I love how Kirk tells the entire crew of the Enterprise how no one of their generation has ever laid eyes on a Romulan since their great war with Earth some 100 years prior, and how we see the map of the neutral zone. The Romulan Star Empire just sounds cool. Then, when we first see a Romulan, he has the appearance of a Vulcan. In some of what I’ve read, (once again, not sure how much of this is canonized), the Romulan ancestors were Vulcans who waived away the Vulcan disregard of emotion and passion and adoption of the purity of logic. I’ve only read this once on a brief timeline of Vulcan history that may not have been more than a fan creation. I’m a fan of the Romulan sense of honor. However this characteristic in their military culture seems to have been lost in sequential appearances. The Romulans have subsequently been presented by Trek storytellers as a simple reflection of the Soviet Union. They weren’t presented with a whole lot of depth. I still find them a joy to watch, especially in episodes and stories related to their brother culture, the Vulcans.

2. Tholians – Another race we don’t know much about. We do get some amount of insight into their tactics and characteristics, and they appear to vary widely. “The famous Tholian punctuality,” Spock observes as the Tholians fire upon the Enterprise, after the Tholians give our heroes a precise amount of time to clear themselves of Tholian space. The only glimpse of the appearance of any member of the Tholian Assembly is a staticy, Sphinx-like image with a high-pitched alien voice. The Tholians also have a tactical defense maneuver called the Tholian web, which is where two Tholian ships wrap one ship into a weblike energy field. Don’t ask me to explain it. Kudos to the creative staff that came up with this alien race, however. They are definitely the most mysterious of all the Trek aliens.

1. Vulcans – What more can we say about Vulcans that hasn’t already been said? The Vulcan culture is so fascinating to me, as is their history. Once living on their scorching sand planet as barbaric nomads, the Vulcans saw the error in emotion and passion leading to the demise of their race, and embraced logic. They adopted the mantra that logic leads to the preservation of life. I’ve always wondered about that. There is good and bad in that philosophy. The good is that there is a logical solution that can be applied to every problem, both big and small. The bad is that logic can’t bring joy and goodness. As humans, we are either inborn or nurtured to believe a strange irony: that the bad things of life make life a little sweeter. It’s the unpredictability of life that fuels us. We take the bad if it means getting the good. Logic only brings about solution; there is no subjective “good” or “bad.” The complexities of logic are often addressed in Trek lore.

A Private Little War
Rating: “Fascinating”

Synopsis:
Spock and Kirk land on a planet Kirk had visited years earlier and left as being peaceful. However, Kirk and Spock are ambushed, and Spock is shot by some of the planet’s inhabitants. Not only is Spock injured, but Kirk is left to wonder how the planet’s inhabitants got guns. Meanwhile, as Spock is being treated for his wounds (he puts himself in a state of hypnosis), a Klingon ship is detected in the planet’s orbit. Kirk, with his suspicions raised, beams back down to the planet along with Dr. McCoy. Shortly after beaming down, the two are attacked by mugato, a venomous gorilla-like beast, (if you can imagine that), and Kirk is bitten.

McCoy and Kirk are taken to a “hill people” settlement, where Kirk will be treated for the mugato bite by the wife of Kirk’s friend Tyree, who is now the leader of the hill people in their war with the village people, (HAA!!). Nona, Tyree’s wife, is a sort of sorceress who is able to arouse a man with the use of some sort of leaf, (I cannot remember what it’s called.) She is also urging her pacifist husband to acquire guns, or “firesticks”, to battle the village people. Tyree is urged back to the camp, and discovers his old friend Kirk is injured. Nona, with the use of a mahko root, brings Kirk healing. (There is also the use of a strange ceremonial movement where Nona cuts the palm of her hand with a knife then lays her hands on Kirk).

As Kirk heals, Nona continues to urge her husband to use the firesticks, and later she sees McCoy using a phaser. Kirk asks Tyree to take him to the village and see how the villagers are getting the firesticks. They discover at night that the villagers are getting them from the Klingons, and steal one of the firesticks. Kirk teaches the hill people how to use the firesticks, in spite of McCoy’s objections and Tyree’s apprehension. Kirk later seeks out Nona while she is bathing to get her to help him convince Tyree to fight the villagers, but she is more interested in Kirk’s phaser. She uses the enchanting leaf or root she uses on her husband to cast the spell on Kirk. Kirk can’t resist her and begins to go to town. Tyree sees them from a distance, and in his anger, contemplates shooting them with the firestick, but instead leaves in disgust. Kirk and Nona are attacked by a mugato, and Kirk is able to destroy the mugato with his phaser right before it is about to bite Nona. Nona, in her gratitude to Kirk for saving her life, knocks him out and steals his phaser. McCoy and the rest of the hill people find Kirk, and they take off after Nona, who has gone off to apparently boast to the villagers about the phaser. A group of villagers attack Nona, and one of them stabs her to death in the struggle. Tyree sees this, and an all-out brawl ensues between Kirk and the hill people with the villagers. After the brawl is over, Tyree in his grief realizes that there is no choice but to fight, and asks Kirk for more firesticks.

�

From my viewpoint, A Private Little War is a respected episode among the Trek Nation, but not considered one of the greats. That’s puzzling to me in light of how overrated snorefests like The Doomsday Machine and Balance of Terror are creamed over. I know it may seem contradictory of me to talk about the greatness of this episode and only rate it a “Fascinating”, but the “action” sequences in the middle of the episode just drag horribly. The night scenes in the village kill me. It’s essential to the plot to establish the Klingon role in the imminent civil war, but the sequence to steal the firestick is really not all that interesting. Nona is a scene-stealer, and the mugato has become a bit of a Star Trek icon, not unlike the face of Balok and the Tribbles.

The pace of the episode is disjointed, but there is an understated sense of urgency throughout the show. I also get a bit frustrated at the scenes where we see Spock’s “recovery.” I don’t know what the purpose of this is, other than to add a sense of suspense for the not-so-jaded 1960’s television audience, who might be wondering, “Is this it for Mr. Spock?” I suppose the creative team is saying that imperialism and geopolitical greed has only one end, that being destruction. Not such a profound statement, given that if imperialism and conquest lead to abundance and freedom for all, then there would be no need for such statements or commentary.

It’s also important to note that this episode aired on television at a time when John Wayne was a Hollywood icon, and Hollywood glorified the Might Means Right worldview, (at least to a measurable degree.) I can imagine John Wayne, after a viewing of A Private Little War, declaring in disgust, “Star-gazing pansies!”

�

This being the 10^th issue of Nerd City, I thought I would do something slightly different from my usual synopsis and review of a Star Trek episode. I want to talk about my favorite of the Star Trek movies, Star Trek: The Motion Picture. TMP, (as I will refer to it), has commonly been regarded as a disappointment, both critically and commercially. Thanks to a “Director’s Cut” released on DVD in 2001, TMP has been revisited. I, on the other hand, can say that I’ve always loved it, even before the newer, cleaner version.

I give TMP sole credit for making me a Star Trek fan. Back in the 80’s, we had a majority of our movies taped from television onto VHS tapes. I was a huge fan of The Karate Kid in those days and watched it probably three times a week. TMP was the movie that came on right after it. Most times, I would just shut the tape off after the still shot of Mr. Miyagi smiling and nodding in quiet approval at Daniel-san’s victory in the All Valley Karate Tournament. One day, I just decided to let the tape run past the opening credits of the next movie, which was my dad’s Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

My first memories of the film are some big blue thing chasing down spaceships with weird looking aliens and electric bolts making the ships disappear. I really had no idea what was going on, but I continued to watch. And I watched over and over again. I never truly got it. At one point, I remembered a scene where Kirk was talking about “Vejur.” I thought that Vejur was the alien guy from the beginning of the movie- (hilarious, as I would come to find later that the alien that I thought was Vejur was nothing more than a nameless Klingon victim).

Over the next year, from the ages of 12 to 13, I came to fall in love with TMP. I associate it with sitting in a quiet bedroom at the back of my grandma’s house by myself just watching it, thinking to myself that this big movie with these crazy effects was made when I was only 4-years-old. It’s really hard to pinpoint what it was that made me fall in love with it, but I will tell you that Jerry Goldsmith’s score had no small part in making me love it. It’s actually one of my favorite movie scores, and none of the following scores of the Star Trek movies comes close. Not even the great James Horner, commissioned to compose the score of later Trek films, could match Goldsmith’s work. Unfortunately, the TMP score is well out of print.

TMP is so obscenely different than the other Trek films. The following Trek films are so “Hollywood.” What I mean is, they appeal more to a wider audience. There isn’t anything necessarily wrong with that, but as a Trek fan, I can tell you that TMP captures the climate of the television series so much better than the other Trek films. There is an epic eloquence to the film that flatters the television series.

TMP has always been criticized for being too slow in telling its story. I used to agree with that. Now as I get older, I’m not sure. I still don’t necessarily disagree that you could make a good “boring” argument against it, but I think a better word to use for the movie is graceful. I’m very glad that Paramount commissioned a “Director’s Cut” of the film, although there is some cheesiness from the theater/television versions that I miss from the times that I discovered TMP.

One of the finer renovations is the setting on Vulcan. The scene is a little brighter, and the two statues under which the Kolinahr ceremony takes place are more defined. With the “Director’s Cut” it’s really hard to tell just WHEN the film was made. It could have been made in 1990 just as well as 1979. My favorite part of the movie, which we didn’t get to experience with the ABC network version, is the overture at the beginning of the film. We get a performance of “Ilia’s Theme” behind a backdrop of stars. It’s like sitting in a planetarium. Outside of the context of the movie, “Ilia’s Theme” works as the perfect musical accompaniment for the wonderment of space. Can you imagine being there in 1979, in the movie theater with your intense love for Star Trek, and space in general, in high anticipation of seeing your heroes reunited with that beautiful music going on? And then…………BAAM!!….you get the huge, anthemic Jerry Goldsmith theme to Star Trek to accompany the opening credits.

Well, that was pretty nerdy. Which is definitely what I am.