Issue 52: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

I didn’t really have a theme in mind this go-around, though I have a few in mind for future reviews, but then I realized my last three films do in fact have a theme: message movies that have not aged well. Here we go.

Margot at the Wedding (2007) Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Jason Leigh **1/2

Kidman is Margot, a blunt and unkind woman who visits her sister (Leigh) for her wedding. Rather uncomfortable film with unlikeable characters yet sharp dialogue, so you don’t like what they’re saying but appreciate how they are saying it. Jack Black, despite being in way too many movies lately is the highlight as the wimpy husband-to-be (with a must-see HORRIBLE crying performance.) Directed by Noah Baumbach, this pales in comparison to his other two films (Kicking & Screaming, The Squid & the Whale.)

The Darjeeling Limited (2007) Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson **

Three estranged brothers reunite on a trip to India to visit their mother in the latest Wes Anderson film, and the first that I have begun to grow weary of Anderson. Having been a fan of his previous films, this one feels like all quirky one-dimensional characters and no substance. I cared little about any of the three leads, who they were, where they were going. It’s just a series of weird things happening just to be weird (buying poisonous snakes, walking around with unmatched shoes, having sex with a hot stranger because you wrote the script.) Great soundtrack as always, but in the end, I just didn’t care.

Bamboozled (2000) Damon Wayans, Savion Glover **

Wayans plays a TV creative who creates a racially insensitive program after being considered “too white” then is shocked when the offensive show becomes a smash hit. Spike Lee joint filmed on miniDV which takes a little getting used to, though not as much as the racist blackface imagery that surrounds the film. Intriguing premise that takes the easy way out especially with an ending that seems to come out of the very kind of program Lee is blasting. Thought-provoking and challenging, it’s a film that stays with you, but film perhaps pulls its punches and takes the easy shock approach rather than going for the throat. Damon Wayans has quite possibly the most annoyingly fake accent in a major motion picture.

Reality Bites (1994) Winona Ryder, Ethan Hawke **1/2

One of my all-time favorite movies as a teenager has not aged well at all. Ryder is a college graduate-turned-documentarian torn between a MTV-ish hotshot and an unemployed, brilliant-yet- asshole musician in a reminder of days when being a sarcastic pop-culture machine wasn’t being done by EVERYBODY. The attempts to be cool is what keeps the film from seeming fresh, as is the complete lack of chemistry between Hawke and Ryder, (probably due to the fact that they are the most brilliant idiots in a movie.) As a youngster, I thought the film was awesome but dragged at the end. Now in my older days, I see the last half hour is actually the most honest part of the film. Still a decent picture in the nostalgic sense.

Grand Canyon (1991) Kevin Kline, Danny Glover **1/2

Remember the early ’90’s when the US was a battleground of violence and hatred and it seemed the end was near? Return to the days when Boyz N the Hood was treated as a documentary as six friends’ lives intertwine in LA. Kline is the liberal nice white guy, Glover the hard-working kind hearted black guy, and Steve Martin plays the only semi-three-dimensional character: the rich asshole whose morals come and go depending on his mood. The film has a good message, but has become a very cookie cutter version of the soul-cleansing “we’re all brothers” that Crash would do so much better in 2005.

Issue 50: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

The Tale of a Film Called Southland Tales

Seven years ago, a man named Richard Kelly wrote and directed a film called Donnie Darko, which was released in theaters and seen by practically nobody. Six months later, the film was released to DVD and became the ultimate cult film: a film that grossed $700,000 yet has been seen by practically everybody.

With that power Kelly was given the funds to make his second film, the film that this column is about: Southland Tales. Before we get into the review, a brief history:

Also seven years ago, David Lynch released what was widely considered one of the more confusing epics of this decade: Mulholland Dr. This was a brilliant film that required multiple viewings to understand just what the hell was going on. Kelly was clearly taking notes.

In 2006, Kelly opened Southland Tales to the Cannes Film Festival. The film was universally panned and called the worst film to ever be released at Cannes, receiving the lowest possible scores. Twenty minutes of the film were cut and, like Donnie Darko, was released in theaters and seen by practically nobody. Now the film has been released to DVD.

This is a movie unlike any I have ever seen before. It’s one I cannot possibly give a glowing review, nor can I flat-out trash it. Southland Tales is a fantastic mess.

In the year 2005, two major Texas towns were wiped off the face of the Earth by nukes. The US is under total government control, and in the year 2008, the world ends. The film covers the last three days in what is basically an interpretation of Revelations.

The first major problem is the plot which is impossible to follow, because all the information you need is basically muttered to you in the first ten minutes, and if you don’t flat-out memorize it, you’re screwed. Major plot points flash up on the screen in FOX News-like graphics which, much like in real life, tend to be ignored.

Then there’s the wacko cast, with The Rock playing a Schwarzenegger-like, action star-politician who also happens to have amnesia which causes him to turn into a scared ten year-old every five minutes. Then you have Stifler from American Pie who for all intents and purposes plays the Messiah, no less than FOUR cast members of Saturday Night Live, (highlighted by Jon Lovitz as a macho badass), the long absent John Laroquette, the freakin’ original Highlander, Justin Timberlake, (in maybe the best acting he’s ever done), and the anti-Christ, played by the always evil Wallace Shawn…….

Yes, the anti-Christ is played by the short bald guy from The Princess Bride. You see, when he was evil in Bride, it was funny: how can you take him seriously? Somehow we are asked to do so here.

And the other major problem is the absolutely insane dialogue that the cast is asked to spew out, especially The Rock, who utters some of the most laugh-out loud stuff you’ll hear in a major motion picture.

So why bother, you may ask? For all that is wrong with Southland Tales, there is a lot working for it: an amazing soundtrack for one, as well as a great set design and mood, the movie does FEEL like the end times. Couple that with some extremely interesting ideas and scenes, (the mirror that’s on a time delay, the actress drinking a can of herself, the balls to stop a film dead in its tracks for a musical number which ends up being the most memorable part of the film….)

The inherent problem with the movie is that it is nearly impossible to understand the film the first time, and because it is such a confusing mess, there is little reason for most of the viewing public to watch it a second time. But yet, certain scenes stayed with me. Certain ideas, certain characters.

I’ll take a terrific failure over a boring movie anytime. Southland Tales is confusing, laughable, weird, stupid, pretentious, yet sometimes brilliant.

But if you never figured out Mulholland Dr. don’t bother.

Issue 48: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

Sometimes I like to do themes for my reviews. Sometimes I don’t have the time to do that:

Sleeper (1974) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton ***

Silly film about Woody waking up two hundred years in the future to a dictatorship and discovering he’s the only one who can stop it. Movie is a borderline silent film with its nutty sight gags, much of which work but the film runs out of steam towards the end. Allen’s stand-up routines often bring the film to a halt and seem ridiculously out-of-place and dated. Allen as a futuristic robot is the film’s highlight.

They Live (1988) Roddy Piper, Keith David ***

Cult classic with pro wrestler Piper as a poor working man who discovers a pair of sunglasses that reveal the world has been taken over by aliens. Sly wit and a rather decent acting job by Piper is highlighted by a ridiculous fight scene that became infamous in how long it went (five and a half minutes.) Film has rather good ideas and a cute punchline at the end, but perhaps isn’t quite as good as the hype would have you believe.

Talk to Me (2007) Don Cheadle **1/2

Cheadle gives a great performance as DJ Petey Greene, an ex-con who talks his way into a job at a prominent radio station. The acting is strong, but the script is a tad weak, not focusing on what exactly made Greene so beloved by his audience, but instead creating the same old bio cliches that seem to happen to every famous person, and the last half hour switches gears altogether as Petey becomes a minor character in his own movie. Very powerful middle section dealing with the death of MLK, but film starts to lose its focus once Petey gets on The Tonight Show. Good but unspectacular.

Zodiac (2007) Jake Gyllenhall, Mark Ruffalo ***

David Fincher drama chronicling the Zodiac murders of the 1960s and one man’s obsession with finding the killer. Jake Gyllenhall and Robert Downey Jr. give their usual great performances, though the film’s flaw is since it’s based on a true story, if you know about the killings, you know how it ends. Great use of music and cinematography and a thoroughly entertaining film, though not as memorable as I had hoped and quite a few scenes could have been cut to make the film better.

Eagle vs. Shark (2007) **1/2

Ever wondered what Napolean Dynamite would have been like if it took place in New Zealand? Me neither, but you can know with this film about a female fast-food clerk in love with a dorky video game salesman. The two share wacky adventures as the guy goes back home to get revenge on the guy who tormented him in school. Some cute bits and a pretty funny punchline but it’s surrounded by a style and quirkiness WAY too reminiscent of a certain other film. Has its charms but it isn’t enough.

-Sydney Brown

Issue 47: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

Back in the saddle again. There was a lively discussion in my last column which was a nice change of pace. So this go-around, I plan on intentionally trashing a good movie just to get the discussion going.

Here we go, lots of smaller films this time:

The Ten (2007) Paul Rudd, Gretchen Mol ***

The creators of Wet Hot American Summer return with an equally goofy film. Ten vignettes chronicle the ten deadly sins, and naturally as with sketch comedy films, some are hit-and-miss. This movie is infamous for featuring Winona Ryder having sex with a ventriloquist dummy in a hilarious sequence. Absurdist humor isn’t going to appeal to all or even some, but there are some big laughs that come out of nowhere. Courtroom banter between an annoyed judge and the jury foreman is a highlight.

Gerry (2002) Casey Affleck, Matt Damon *

Two guys named Gerry get lost in the woods. That’s the movie. Roughly two things happen in the entire film, one of them being the “shock” ending that will only make you angry for wasting so much time with it. I do suggest it though, if only to see how long you can last without hitting the fast forward button. I lasted twenty minutes. It’s a 100 minute film. There are 100 shots. I’d almost guess there are 100 lines of dialogue. Imagine taking 100 minutes to read this column. Now imagine watching someone else do that. In the desert. That’s Gerry.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003) *

So long and boring, I’d rather watch Gerry. At least it was over quicker. And only ended once.

Rambo (2008) Sylvester Stallone, a ton of dead Burmese ***

Rambo takes missionaries to Burma only to have to single-handedly rescue them and kill tons of evil people in the process. You know what you’re getting into with this, and if you go into it expecting an old-school 80’s film, it doesn’t disappoint. Quite possibly the most violent mainstream picture I’ve seen, with a reported 236 onscreen deaths in a span of 90 minutes. I had some free time, I didn’t count near that many. Horrible dialogue, shoestring plot, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Absolutely craptactular.

The Heartbreak Kid (2007) Ben Stiller **

Ben Stiller is a 40-something bachelor who marries the love of his life only to discover he doesn’t know her at all. And then he meets the real love of his life on their honeymoon. Decent but unspectacular Farrelly brothers movie. It has some genuine laughs, but the film is way too long and pretty much collapses in the final half hour when the wife completely disappears. And the grossout humor looks pretty desperate so many years after it worked well in There’s Something About Mary. Not as bad as it could have been, but not a real winner either. I actually had given this **1/2, then I remembered Carlos Mencia was in it, playing the very stereotype he is so “against.”

Dopamine (2003) ***1/2

Excellent small film about a computer programmer (Randall) who believes love is just a chemical reaction who meets a girl (Sarah) who needs love to fill an empty void in her life. Witty, believable, a rare indie film that doesn’t feel indie. Film highlighted by a riveting scene where Sarah pours her heart out to a webcam unaware if she even has an audience. Wonderfully understated performances helped by a script that is smart but never too smart nor pretentious (*cough* Juno *cough*). Sarah in a sense is Juno all grown-up, without the wisecrackiness and quirkiness. I’m sure I just invented a word there. A very pleasant surprise that I’ve probably now ruined by building it up so much.

-Sydney Brown

(I have never seen LOTR. Any of them. It was a joke. I’m sure as far as long, boring fantasy films go, it’s the tops.)

Issue 45: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

I haven’t written anything since NOVEMBER?!?!?!?

We have some catching up to do. I’ve been to the movies a lot. Here’s what I’ve seen:

There Will Be Blood (2007) Daniel Day-Lewis, Paul Dano ***1/2

Day-Lewis is oil tycoon Daniel Plainview, a man whose only purpose in life is making money. The film looks at the building of his empire and the lives he crushes and the enemies he makes on the way to the top. Dano plays a young preacher who turns into a nemesis for Plainview leading to a finale that you will either love or hate, but you won’t soon forget. Incredible score, incredible acting, the film’s running time is its only quarrel as it seems to take quite a while to get to certain points. Entire first reel is done without dialogue, that may have something to do with the length.

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007) Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke ***

Two brothers plot to rob a jewelry store to fix their financial situation only for things to go worse than they ever imagined. Cleverly structured, (flashbacks catch us up on not only why things are bad, but why they’re about to get worse), and great performances by the two leads and by Albert Finney who unexpectedly takes over as the film progresses. Depressing as hell, but a very good film. And does ANYBODY say “Shut the F**K up!!” better than Hoffman?

Once (2007) ***1/2

An Irish musician gets inspired to follow his dreams by a young female in this sorta-musical. Yet it’s so much deeper than a simple boy-meets-girl story. One of the more realistic relationship movies I’ve seen. This one gets it right. Full of wonderfully catchy and meaningful songs, it’s a film that shows you the true side to the search for happiness.

Juno (2007) Ellen Page, Jason Bateman ***

Juno is a 16 year-old girlfriend who gets pregnant by her nerdy boyfriend. Conflicts ensue when she gives her child to a yuppie couple. Liked the film, disliked the character. Juno the girl is a pop-culture spewing figment of the too-cool-for-school generation and I found her annoying. What saves the film are the performances of Bateman and Jennifer Garner as the happy couple who seem to have everything. I enjoyed the film, the good far outweighs the bad, the bad just got on my nerves.

No Country for Old Men (2007) Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin ****

A hunter finds $2 million in a drug deal gone bad only to have the most evil man on the planet after him to get it back. Every note about this film is perfect (including one of the most intense scenes I’ve seen involving a closed door and a single faint sound effect.) There will be much comparison to the Coen Brothers’ Fargo, I dare say this is better. Intense scenes, smart characters, and just the right shade of quirkiness make this the year’s best film.