I didn’t really have a theme in mind this go-around, though I have a few in mind for future reviews, but then I realized my last three films do in fact have a theme: message movies that have not aged well. Here we go.

Margot at the Wedding (2007) Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Jason Leigh **1/2

Kidman is Margot, a blunt and unkind woman who visits her sister (Leigh) for her wedding. Rather uncomfortable film with unlikeable characters yet sharp dialogue, so you don’t like what they’re saying but appreciate how they are saying it. Jack Black, despite being in way too many movies lately is the highlight as the wimpy husband-to-be (with a must-see HORRIBLE crying performance.) Directed by Noah Baumbach, this pales in comparison to his other two films (Kicking & Screaming, The Squid & the Whale.)

The Darjeeling Limited (2007) Adrien Brody, Owen Wilson **

Three estranged brothers reunite on a trip to India to visit their mother in the latest Wes Anderson film, and the first that I have begun to grow weary of Anderson. Having been a fan of his previous films, this one feels like all quirky one-dimensional characters and no substance. I cared little about any of the three leads, who they were, where they were going. It’s just a series of weird things happening just to be weird (buying poisonous snakes, walking around with unmatched shoes, having sex with a hot stranger because you wrote the script.) Great soundtrack as always, but in the end, I just didn’t care.

Bamboozled (2000) Damon Wayans, Savion Glover **

Wayans plays a TV creative who creates a racially insensitive program after being considered “too white” then is shocked when the offensive show becomes a smash hit. Spike Lee joint filmed on miniDV which takes a little getting used to, though not as much as the racist blackface imagery that surrounds the film. Intriguing premise that takes the easy way out especially with an ending that seems to come out of the very kind of program Lee is blasting. Thought-provoking and challenging, it’s a film that stays with you, but film perhaps pulls its punches and takes the easy shock approach rather than going for the throat. Damon Wayans has quite possibly the most annoyingly fake accent in a major motion picture.

Reality Bites (1994) Winona Ryder, Ethan Hawke **1/2

One of my all-time favorite movies as a teenager has not aged well at all. Ryder is a college graduate-turned-documentarian torn between a MTV-ish hotshot and an unemployed, brilliant-yet- asshole musician in a reminder of days when being a sarcastic pop-culture machine wasn’t being done by EVERYBODY. The attempts to be cool is what keeps the film from seeming fresh, as is the complete lack of chemistry between Hawke and Ryder, (probably due to the fact that they are the most brilliant idiots in a movie.) As a youngster, I thought the film was awesome but dragged at the end. Now in my older days, I see the last half hour is actually the most honest part of the film. Still a decent picture in the nostalgic sense.

Grand Canyon (1991) Kevin Kline, Danny Glover **1/2

Remember the early ’90’s when the US was a battleground of violence and hatred and it seemed the end was near? Return to the days when Boyz N the Hood was treated as a documentary as six friends’ lives intertwine in LA. Kline is the liberal nice white guy, Glover the hard-working kind hearted black guy, and Steve Martin plays the only semi-three-dimensional character: the rich asshole whose morals come and go depending on his mood. The film has a good message, but has become a very cookie cutter version of the soul-cleansing “we’re all brothers” that Crash would do so much better in 2005.

Seven years ago, a man named Richard Kelly wrote and directed a film called Donnie Darko, which was released in theaters and seen by practically nobody. Six months later, the film was released to DVD and became the ultimate cult film: a film that grossed $700,000 yet has been seen by practically everybody.

With that power Kelly was given the funds to make his second film, the film that this column is about: Southland Tales. Before we get into the review, a brief history:

Also seven years ago, David Lynch released what was widely considered one of the more confusing epics of this decade: Mulholland Dr. This was a brilliant film that required multiple viewings to understand just what the hell was going on. Kelly was clearly taking notes.

In 2006, Kelly opened Southland Tales to the Cannes Film Festival. The film was universally panned and called the worst film to ever be released at Cannes, receiving the lowest possible scores. Twenty minutes of the film were cut and, like Donnie Darko, was released in theaters and seen by practically nobody. Now the film has been released to DVD.

This is a movie unlike any I have ever seen before. It’s one I cannot possibly give a glowing review, nor can I flat-out trash it. Southland Tales is a fantastic mess.

In the year 2005, two major Texas towns were wiped off the face of the Earth by nukes. The US is under total government control, and in the year 2008, the world ends. The film covers the last three days in what is basically an interpretation of Revelations.

The first major problem is the plot which is impossible to follow, because all the information you need is basically muttered to you in the first ten minutes, and if you don’t flat-out memorize it, you’re screwed. Major plot points flash up on the screen in FOX News-like graphics which, much like in real life, tend to be ignored.

Then there’s the wacko cast, with The Rock playing a Schwarzenegger-like, action star-politician who also happens to have amnesia which causes him to turn into a scared ten year-old every five minutes. Then you have Stifler from American Pie who for all intents and purposes plays the Messiah, no less than FOUR cast members of Saturday Night Live, (highlighted by Jon Lovitz as a macho badass), the long absent John Laroquette, the freakin’ original Highlander, Justin Timberlake, (in maybe the best acting he’s ever done), and the anti-Christ, played by the always evil Wallace Shawn…….

Yes, the anti-Christ is played by the short bald guy from The Princess Bride. You see, when he was evil in Bride, it was funny: how can you take him seriously? Somehow we are asked to do so here.

And the other major problem is the absolutely insane dialogue that the cast is asked to spew out, especially The Rock, who utters some of the most laugh-out loud stuff you’ll hear in a major motion picture.

So why bother, you may ask? For all that is wrong with Southland Tales, there is a lot working for it: an amazing soundtrack for one, as well as a great set design and mood, the movie does FEEL like the end times. Couple that with some extremely interesting ideas and scenes, (the mirror that’s on a time delay, the actress drinking a can of herself, the balls to stop a film dead in its tracks for a musical number which ends up being the most memorable part of the film….)

The inherent problem with the movie is that it is nearly impossible to understand the film the first time, and because it is such a confusing mess, there is little reason for most of the viewing public to watch it a second time. But yet, certain scenes stayed with me. Certain ideas, certain characters.

I’ll take a terrific failure over a boring movie anytime. Southland Tales is confusing, laughable, weird, stupid, pretentious, yet sometimes brilliant.

But if you never figured out Mulholland Dr. don’t bother.

Sometimes I like to do themes for my reviews. Sometimes I don’t have the time to do that:

Sleeper (1974) Woody Allen, Diane Keaton ***

Silly film about Woody waking up two hundred years in the future to a dictatorship and discovering he’s the only one who can stop it. Movie is a borderline silent film with its nutty sight gags, much of which work but the film runs out of steam towards the end. Allen’s stand-up routines often bring the film to a halt and seem ridiculously out-of-place and dated. Allen as a futuristic robot is the film’s highlight.

They Live (1988) Roddy Piper, Keith David ***

Cult classic with pro wrestler Piper as a poor working man who discovers a pair of sunglasses that reveal the world has been taken over by aliens. Sly wit and a rather decent acting job by Piper is highlighted by a ridiculous fight scene that became infamous in how long it went (five and a half minutes.) Film has rather good ideas and a cute punchline at the end, but perhaps isn’t quite as good as the hype would have you believe.

Talk to Me (2007) Don Cheadle **1/2

Cheadle gives a great performance as DJ Petey Greene, an ex-con who talks his way into a job at a prominent radio station. The acting is strong, but the script is a tad weak, not focusing on what exactly made Greene so beloved by his audience, but instead creating the same old bio cliches that seem to happen to every famous person, and the last half hour switches gears altogether as Petey becomes a minor character in his own movie. Very powerful middle section dealing with the death of MLK, but film starts to lose its focus once Petey gets on The Tonight Show. Good but unspectacular.

Zodiac (2007) Jake Gyllenhall, Mark Ruffalo ***

David Fincher drama chronicling the Zodiac murders of the 1960s and one man’s obsession with finding the killer. Jake Gyllenhall and Robert Downey Jr. give their usual great performances, though the film’s flaw is since it’s based on a true story, if you know about the killings, you know how it ends. Great use of music and cinematography and a thoroughly entertaining film, though not as memorable as I had hoped and quite a few scenes could have been cut to make the film better.

Eagle vs. Shark (2007) **1/2

Ever wondered what Napolean Dynamite would have been like if it took place in New Zealand? Me neither, but you can know with this film about a female fast-food clerk in love with a dorky video game salesman. The two share wacky adventures as the guy goes back home to get revenge on the guy who tormented him in school. Some cute bits and a pretty funny punchline but it’s surrounded by a style and quirkiness WAY too reminiscent of a certain other film. Has its charms but it isn’t enough.

-Sydney Brown

Back in the saddle again. There was a lively discussion in my last column which was a nice change of pace. So this go-around, I plan on intentionally trashing a good movie just to get the discussion going.

Here we go, lots of smaller films this time:

The Ten (2007) Paul Rudd, Gretchen Mol ***

The creators of Wet Hot American Summer return with an equally goofy film. Ten vignettes chronicle the ten deadly sins, and naturally as with sketch comedy films, some are hit-and-miss. This movie is infamous for featuring Winona Ryder having sex with a ventriloquist dummy in a hilarious sequence. Absurdist humor isn’t going to appeal to all or even some, but there are some big laughs that come out of nowhere. Courtroom banter between an annoyed judge and the jury foreman is a highlight.

Gerry (2002) Casey Affleck, Matt Damon *

Two guys named Gerry get lost in the woods. That’s the movie. Roughly two things happen in the entire film, one of them being the “shock” ending that will only make you angry for wasting so much time with it. I do suggest it though, if only to see how long you can last without hitting the fast forward button. I lasted twenty minutes. It’s a 100 minute film. There are 100 shots. I’d almost guess there are 100 lines of dialogue. Imagine taking 100 minutes to read this column. Now imagine watching someone else do that. In the desert. That’s Gerry.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003) *

So long and boring, I’d rather watch Gerry. At least it was over quicker. And only ended once.

Rambo (2008) Sylvester Stallone, a ton of dead Burmese ***

Rambo takes missionaries to Burma only to have to single-handedly rescue them and kill tons of evil people in the process. You know what you’re getting into with this, and if you go into it expecting an old-school 80’s film, it doesn’t disappoint. Quite possibly the most violent mainstream picture I’ve seen, with a reported 236 onscreen deaths in a span of 90 minutes. I had some free time, I didn’t count near that many. Horrible dialogue, shoestring plot, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Absolutely craptactular.

The Heartbreak Kid (2007) Ben Stiller **

Ben Stiller is a 40-something bachelor who marries the love of his life only to discover he doesn’t know her at all. And then he meets the real love of his life on their honeymoon. Decent but unspectacular Farrelly brothers movie. It has some genuine laughs, but the film is way too long and pretty much collapses in the final half hour when the wife completely disappears. And the grossout humor looks pretty desperate so many years after it worked well in There’s Something About Mary. Not as bad as it could have been, but not a real winner either. I actually had given this **1/2, then I remembered Carlos Mencia was in it, playing the very stereotype he is so “against.”

Dopamine (2003) ***1/2

Excellent small film about a computer programmer (Randall) who believes love is just a chemical reaction who meets a girl (Sarah) who needs love to fill an empty void in her life. Witty, believable, a rare indie film that doesn’t feel indie. Film highlighted by a riveting scene where Sarah pours her heart out to a webcam unaware if she even has an audience. Wonderfully understated performances helped by a script that is smart but never too smart nor pretentious (*cough* Juno *cough*). Sarah in a sense is Juno all grown-up, without the wisecrackiness and quirkiness. I’m sure I just invented a word there. A very pleasant surprise that I’ve probably now ruined by building it up so much.

-Sydney Brown

(I have never seen LOTR. Any of them. It was a joke. I’m sure as far as long, boring fantasy films go, it’s the tops.)

I haven’t written anything since NOVEMBER?!?!?!?

We have some catching up to do. I’ve been to the movies a lot. Here’s what I’ve seen:

There Will Be Blood (2007) Daniel Day-Lewis, Paul Dano ***1/2

Day-Lewis is oil tycoon Daniel Plainview, a man whose only purpose in life is making money. The film looks at the building of his empire and the lives he crushes and the enemies he makes on the way to the top. Dano plays a young preacher who turns into a nemesis for Plainview leading to a finale that you will either love or hate, but you won’t soon forget. Incredible score, incredible acting, the film’s running time is its only quarrel as it seems to take quite a while to get to certain points. Entire first reel is done without dialogue, that may have something to do with the length.

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007) Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke ***

Two brothers plot to rob a jewelry store to fix their financial situation only for things to go worse than they ever imagined. Cleverly structured, (flashbacks catch us up on not only why things are bad, but why they’re about to get worse), and great performances by the two leads and by Albert Finney who unexpectedly takes over as the film progresses. Depressing as hell, but a very good film. And does ANYBODY say “Shut the F**K up!!” better than Hoffman?

Once (2007) ***1/2

An Irish musician gets inspired to follow his dreams by a young female in this sorta-musical. Yet it’s so much deeper than a simple boy-meets-girl story. One of the more realistic relationship movies I’ve seen. This one gets it right. Full of wonderfully catchy and meaningful songs, it’s a film that shows you the true side to the search for happiness.

Juno (2007) Ellen Page, Jason Bateman ***

Juno is a 16 year-old girlfriend who gets pregnant by her nerdy boyfriend. Conflicts ensue when she gives her child to a yuppie couple. Liked the film, disliked the character. Juno the girl is a pop-culture spewing figment of the too-cool-for-school generation and I found her annoying. What saves the film are the performances of Bateman and Jennifer Garner as the happy couple who seem to have everything. I enjoyed the film, the good far outweighs the bad, the bad just got on my nerves.

No Country for Old Men (2007) Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin ****

A hunter finds $2 million in a drug deal gone bad only to have the most evil man on the planet after him to get it back. Every note about this film is perfect (including one of the most intense scenes I’ve seen involving a closed door and a single faint sound effect.) There will be much comparison to the Coen Brothers’ Fargo, I dare say this is better. Intense scenes, smart characters, and just the right shade of quirkiness make this the year’s best film.

A few months ago I was blown away by a movie, and not a recent one, although this year has produced some very entertaining films. And after seeing it again a few weeks ago, a mere sixty seconds just won’t do,

So this go around, an essay about The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

Not a very catchy title, is it?

Pelham is a 1974 film based on the novel of the same name with an ingenious premise. Four criminals who seem to be strangers to each other and have colors as names, (gee, I wonder who ripped that idea off……), take a subway train and its passengers hostage. They demand $1 million in one hour. And they will kill a passenger for every minute they don’t get it. The film stars Walter Matthau, Robert Shaw, Martin Balsam, Hector Elizando, and Jerry Stiller.

There are four strokes of genius in this film:

1. The score. I can’t even describe it. Angry 70’s funk doesn’t do it justice. One of the best musical scores of any movie. Period.
2. The plot. Think about how ludicrous the plan seems to be. You’re underground. You can be identified. There are cops at every exit. How the hell are you supposed to escape?
3. The hero. When you think of action heroes, Walter Matthau doesn’t come to mind. But he delivers one of the most realistic everyman heroes you’ll see. No acrobatics, no death-defying stunts. Hell, he isn’t even terribly bright.
4. The villain. Most people know Robert Shaw as Quint from Jaws. Not after this. Shaw as Mr. Blue is one of the most awesome villains of the screen. Cold. Calculated. Polite. Brilliant. He does only what he has to do, yet does exactly what he says he is going to.

Is this the best movie ever made? No. Surrounding this is a rather silly subplot involving the mayor of New York, and there are some pretty cornball lines you’ll see coming miles away. But despite that, you’ll get a sharp thriller and one of the single best closing shots in any film.

A smart, sharp thriller with a brilliant payoff. What more do you people want?

Well, I’ve been watching documentaries. Not intentionally, but it just so happens I have seen five lately. And it just so happens my column usually involves five movies. And it just so happens my intros are usually short, and here I am done with it.

Helvetica (2007) ***

A documentary about a font. A font? Yes. A font. A look at why the Helvetica font, created only fifty years ago, is the most used typeface in the world. The film also looks at graphical styles from the ‘50’s but it’s the interview subjects that make the film, from the egotistical to the flamboyant. The film’s strength is also its weakness as a few of the interviewees are just a tad dull. Though anecdotes about Coca-Cola using the font for print ads and how one might save a boring Bryan Ferry interview by changing a font are hilarious. You won’t look at a bathroom sign the same after this.

The Hole Story (2005) **1/2

A pseudo-documentary about a filmmaker traveling to the Midwest to investigate a mysterious hole in a lake only for the hole to have disappeared by the time he gets there. Film turns into a plight for the documentarian to find ANYTHING to shoot leading to some very funny moments. However the film loses its luster around the halfway point and somewhat limps to the end. Film is noteworthy for using the real citizens and real situations though in scripted form. Would have been an excellent short, just not enough meat to sustain a feature.

The Filth & the Fury (2000) The Sex Pistols ***1/2

The history of The Sex Pistols told by the members themselves, (even dead member Sid Vicious), and through amazing clips and footage of the band at their decadent worst. Director Julian Temple had filmed so much of the band over the years and had access to so much of their lives, he paints an almost perfect picture of 70’s British unrest. The Pistols going nuts on live British TV is worth the film alone. Much better than the earlier drama Sid & Nancy.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (2007) ***½

Hysterical documentary about two men battling to attain the highest Donkey Kong score and the measures each man will go through to get it. Film clearly establishes sides pitting the bearded egotistical champ against the down-on-his-luck nice guy. Brilliant look at a culture that perhaps never fully grew up, it’s incredibly ironic when a six year-old girl makes the smartest observation in the movie. A must-see.

The Office: Season Three (2007) ****

Yeah, okay, I’m cheating. Probably the best sitcom on television, and damn, if it doesn’t compete with the UK version. Season three arguably is the best season of this mockumentary of office life in Scranton. While Steve Carell is no Ricky Gervais, and the office romance has a twinge of “been there”ness to it, the supporting characters and brilliant scripts more than make up for it. If you even think about starting fresh with season 4 without a rewind, think again, buster.

I’ve been somewhat out of action lately, and you all get to be rewarded. Here’s some movies I’ve been watching:

Mystery Date (1991) Ethan Hawke, Teri Polo *1/2

Basically a teen version of After Hours, Hawke is a shy kid too afraid to ask his next-door neighbor out, so he assumes the identity of his much cooler older brother only to discover his brother has mob ties and two dead guys in his trunk. Film actually has a few good ideas and starts off well, but most scenes end up in the variety of, (“Ethan: Hey, what’s that? Bad Guy: Where?” Then Ethan runs away.) Not to mention the subplot somehow becomes the main plot in the last half hour involving guys nobody cares about. But the lesson learned? If you almost get your date killed, she will be SURE to have sex with you when the date is over.

Real Life (1979) Albert Brooks, Charles Grodin ***

Extremely funny and odd movie about a film producer looking to document a family’s life for a year, only for the film to end up being more about himself. Albert Brooks’ directoral debut is both dated and twenty years ahead of the TV reality craze. Many jokes fall flat, but some of the satire is merciless: Brooks’ fear of minorities, the insane cameras used, and the fate of a horse for starters. Not his best work, but an underappreciated gem. Listen for Harry Shearer as one of the cameramen.

Broadcast News (1987) William Hurt, Holly Hunter ****

Back in the 80’s, flash was replacing substance in TV news, and this film chronicles that trend. William Hurt is an “all-style-no-brain” reporter, Albert Brooks is an “all-brain-no-style” reporter and Holly Hunter is the self-controlling producer who both reporters want. A savagely funny portrayal of how TV was and still is, twenty years later. Hunter loves Hurt even though he’s not very smart, despite her intellectual equal, (Brooks), being in love with her. Film is ultra-realistic in that it’s the little gestures that ruin relationships, not the big ones.

Mystic River (2003) Sean Penn, Tim Robbins ***

Mesmerizing two hour film that falls apart in the last twenty minutes. Three childhood friends experience tragedy when one of them is kidnapped and molested, and the three reunite years later when one of their daughters is brutally murdered. Penn and Robbins both won Oscars, (and deservedly so), for their roles as a grieving dad and an emotionally scarred parent, and the acting is tremendous. The problem I have is that the movie cheats, all but forcing you to look one way solely to give you a “gotcha” involving characters barely hinted at in the film. And the moral of the story left a very bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe that was the point, I don’t know. A very good film, but one that could have been great.

Superbad (2007) Jonah Hill, Michael Cera ***½

Every column I seem to proclaim a new “funniest film of 2007.” I think this is the last time I do that. Two less-than-popular kids try to score alcohol for a huge party, but the plot is meaningless. A rare film that is both incredibly smart and incredibly dirty, the movie hits all the right notes, and even the slow scenes know they are slow and end quickly. Obviously the McLovin character is the breakout, but the two cops pretty much steal the film themselves, reinventing the “bad cop” stereotype. The film works because the characters are believeable and we actually care about them.

Hey, it’s Mr. Brown back wit’cha with some more movies for you to see or ignore. It’s been a long week, my brain is tired. Here we go:

The Simpsons Movie (2007) Dan Castellaneta, A. Brooks ***

Homer adopts a pig which somehow leads to Armageddon in Springfield. If you honestly go to The Simpsons Movie for the plot, you get what you deserve. The first half hour is some of the sharpest and funniest the Simpsons have been in years with rapid-fire jokes so fast and furious you wonder how they can keep it up. Well, they don’t, but it’s all-in-all a very funny film. Movie kinda falls apart in the end when too many people learn lessons they learned in about ten different episodes, but it’s still an easy recommendation.

Edmond (2005) William H. Macy *1/2

A film that starts off so promisingly with Macy as an average joe who’s had “enough,” (ie. Falling Down), collapses so spectactularly with a single scene that begs you to laugh at its ridiculousness, (and I’m not talking about George Wendt as a Russian pawnbroker.) A play by David Mamet knows the words but not the feeling. The first ten minutes are intriguing, and the last scene is equally so, but the rest of it is just brutal. Rarely have I been more disappointed in a play adaptation. Macy starts off as a naive businessman then turns racist psycho on a dime. There are memorable moments for sure, (and probably for the wrong reasons), but just an all-around letdown.

Commando (1985) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong ***

Very guilty pleasure that sums up 80s movies completely with Arnold as an Army colonel forced to assassinate a Latin dictator to save his daughter’s life. Oddly, Arnold objects to this, yet doesn’t object to killing over 100 people in the course of 90 minutes. Even more odd is how Arnold can barely break a sweat doing so yet can have trouble with the main bad guy, who is about the size of Arnold’s thigh. Epitome of 80s movies, it makes no sense, but it makes no sense in a fun way.

To Live and Die in L.A. (1985) William Peterson, Willem DaFoe ***

I watched this a while ago and forgot to review it for some reason. Peterson is a “renegade” cop out to do whatever it takes to bring down counterfeiter DaFoe for killing his partner. Looks like your typical Miami Vice story until our hero takes a MAJOR wrong turn and the film becomes almost an entirely new film. Both leads give wonderful performances, (this was one of DaFoe’s first roles), and a rather sharp script with not one but two shock twists that even more shockingly….make SENSE!! DaFoe is actually counterfeiting real money, and legend has it, the entire cast and crew came dangerously close to being arrested, (since that’s a federal offense and all….)

Breach (2007) Chris Cooper, Ryan Philippe ****

Fact-based account of the 2001 arrest of a US FBI agent caught selling classified documents to the Russians. Chris Cooper and Ryan Philippe give outstanding performances as both the agent and the informant assigned to take him down. Don’t expect The Bourne Identity, this is a character study showing how the agent’s flaws were what ultimately led to his demise. From Billy Ray, director of one of the great unseen films, 2003’s Shattered Glass. Both films based on true stories, both films having great performances, and both films having great performances from actors usually ignored (Philippe here, Hayden Christensen in Glass.) A must-see, and as of this writing, 2007’s best film.

Just a quick note, I’ve gotten some positive feedback on my Wonder Years essay from a few weeks back, and if you want to relive the magic, (in syndicated form), the series starts all over again on either Thursday June 21st or Friday June 22nd.

Now for some porn and frogs:

Hardcore (1979) George C. Scott, Peter Boyle **

Scott is a midwestern religious man whose daughter runs away to L. A. and becomes a porn actress. Scott then tries to find her using the most convoluted methods possible. Somehow Paul Schrader, who wrote the greatest film of all time, (Taxi Driver), wrote AND directed this mess. Many of the scenes are so ridiculous they are laughable, not to mention the mystery “bad guy” who doesn’t even get mentioned until the end. Good soundtrack and Scott gives a very good performance, but the movie is just too damn weird and silly to be taken seriously.

Frogs (1972) Sam Elliot *

Awful “horror” film about nature fighting back against humanity. A rich family with a house in the swampland gets attacked by alligators, birds, snakes… ironically, everything BUT frogs. Hokey and so-bad-its-good dialogue doesn’t quite make it a must-see, but the film’s logic just about does. Grandpa’s having a birthday, and despite the fact that a family member has just DIED, still INSISTS on going on with his party. Sam Elliot is almost unrecognizable with short hair and no beard, and I’d say he’s probably pretty happy about that.

Knocked Up (2007) Seth Rogan, Katherine Heigl ***

Very funny film about a pothead loser getting a hot on-air talent pregnant during a one-nighter. Rogan is great, and Paul Rudd is his usual show-stealing self, (as is an oddly sensitive doorman.)

The film is hilarious, but the thing just goes on too long. It’s an excellent 90 minute movie that goes two hours. It was very funny, I laughed a lot. BUT. . . . .

Just for the record, I really think I’ve seen one too many romantic comedies. There has GOT to be another plot device that doesn’t involve “boy says something stupid, girl leaves him, boy realizes his mistake, they get back together. ” Knocked Up could have been JUST as funny, and in fact maybe even more charming, if they dropped the pointless “conflict” and just had funny things happen and have the kid born. There’s a good half-hour that REALLY lags because the plot becomes more important than the jokes. I still recommend it, but I don’t feel it was the comedy sensation of the year.

Little Children (2006) Kate Winslett, Jackie Earle Haley ***

Tale of suburbia stars Kate Winslett as an unhappy housewife falling for a stay-at-home dad neighbor. Their story is intertwined with a sexual deviant recently released from prison who may not be completely reformed. Winslett and Haley, (as the sex addict), received well-earned Oscar noms in this gripping story that perhaps has a less than satisfactory ending after what appears to be a huge build-up. I’m not entirely clear what the message is, though I am to assume that just because your sins aren’t publicized, it doesn’t make you any less guilty.

Boogie Nights (1997) Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds ****

One of my all-time favorite films, bar none. Wahlberg is Dirk Diggler, a go-nowhere dreamer with an enormous gift who uses it to become a successful porn actor. Paul Thomas Anderson’s breakthrough is hilarious, scary, sad, uncomfortable, and poignant and all done perfectly. Reynolds was robbed of an Oscar in what is truly a remarkable performance. The writing is sharp, the performances sharper, this film is lightning in a bottle.

A departure for the Sixty Seconds this go-around, first because the only film I’ve seen in the last two weeks is Spider-Man 3, and odds are you don’t need me to tell you how mediocre it was. But more importantly, I have something I want to talk about, a topic that requires more than the usual paragraph.

I have a new guilty pleasure for the first time in years. I am always in front of my TV or have the DVD recorder on at 9:00pm, Monday through Friday. The national network ION, (formerly PAX), is broadcasting reruns of The Wonder Years from 9-10pm, and I’m rediscovering just how great this show is.

For the uninformed, The Wonder Years was a show on ABC that aired from 1988 to 1993 and covered that same time period twenty years prior, (the show started in 1968 and ended in 1973.) Fred Savage was Kevin Arnold, your typical teen just starting junior high, and the entire show was narrated by the adult Kevin voiced, by Daniel Stern.

I may be biased because everything that happened on the show was literally one year ahead of my own life, so watching this show is almost a time capsule- reliving moments from my own life, (which back then was getting a glimpse of what was to come.) The Wonder Years was never really a show that was a big hit in syndication, (Nick at Nite picked it up for a few months years ago, but that’s about it.) So as a result, I’m watching most of these episodes for the first time in fifteen years. And they have aged amazingly well. And they still play so true-to-life.

The overly obnoxious older brother. The almost-never-there sister. The awkwardly communicative father. The doting mother. The dorky best friend. All highlighted by the ultimate “hottie that doesn’t know she’s a hottie” girlfriend Winnie Cooper. Granted, some of the episodes weren’t keepers, but yet so many were so tremendously great, they’ve stayed etched in my brain for years.

Two of those shows aired just this past week, and demonstrate just how accurately they capture the human emotion. Oddly, both of them are possibly “jump the shark” moments in the series.

1) Kevin and Winnie have broken up and Kevin sets up a party at Paul’s house to get back with her only to find that she’s bringing her new boyfriend to the party. So Kevin sets up a date with Madeline…

And let’s just stop there. Any person even vaguely familiar with this show knows who this girl is. Madeline was the new student introduced in season 4 who had the hots for Kevin, (arguably because he was the only male who had the balls to say a word to her), and sent Kevin in a tailspin for half the season avoiding her advances. Madeline was the epitome of every 14 year-old’s dream when this show aired, (and it’s okay to lust after her in the show because she was 20 playing 14.) But she was THAT girl. THAT girl in school who was HOT, and you didn’t dare talk to her, and even if you had a shot with her, you wouldn’t know what to do about it.

So Kevin sets up a date with Madeline and proceeds to be the life of the party solely to make Winnie jealous, except not only does Winnie not notice, but Madeline does, and gives Kevin an ultimatum: her or Winnie. A distraught Kevin seeks solace in the curtained-off back room only for Winnie to find him there. Kevin then proceeds to verbally tear Winnie apart in a manner that, (as an equally rejected young man at the time), I applauded, but in my older years almost winced at as Kevin let loose with emotions that he didn’t mean, but only so that she could feel the same pain he did. Winnie reacted naturally. She teared up, and exited stage left.

What followed was one of the most awesome TV moments ever. As Winnie ran away crying, Madeline entered and asks “Have you made your decision?” which clearly, but never openly states that Madeline purposely led Winnie to her doom.

And what does Kevin say? It’s been argued for years whether he made the right call. You’ll just have to wait for the rerun to see. Though quite frankly, Kevin Arnold…….was a F***kin’ idiot.

2) This one has stayed with me for years. And the irony is that the scene that hit the hardest I didn’t even remember until I saw it recently.

It’s basketball tryouts and Coach Kutlip is asking for volunteers. No one wants to play for him, so Kutlip drafts the players himself, (a thinly-veiled Vietnam reference.) Oddly, the inept Paul Pfieffer gets drafted to the shock of everyone, especially Kevin, since he’s beaten Paul one-on-one hundreds of times. In a row. He expects Paul to fail and that will be that.

But something odd happens as Paul joins the team. He gains confidence. He plays well. He makes new friends. Cool friends. And he doesn’t seem to have time for Kevin anymore. And Kevin takes it personally. He questions Paul’s abilities, reminds him how bad he is, and in a display of complete dickishness, humiliates Paul by destroying him in a one-on-one game.

One scene makes this a standout episode and one where you realize all the rules have changed:

Kevin is studying quietly in his room when his brother Wayne starts pestering him, noticing he’s awfully down. Kevin denies it. Wayne thinks differently. He knows that he’s bothered about Paul. Kevin looks startled. But doesn’t deny it. And Wayne hits the nail on the head (I’m paraphrasing):

“You’re upset about Paul. He’s doing good on the basketball team. He’s making friends.” (And here comes the dagger) “Paul’s beneath you. And he’s a loser. How dare he make something of himself without you.”

And Kevin freezes. And we, the audience also freeze. Because Wayne has been an asshole the entire series, and suddenly, while he’s still an asshole, he’s exactly right. Kevin responds with “Paul’s not a loser.” But he says it in such a tone that you’re not sure if he even believes what he just said. So Kevin responds by attacking him.

All of this leads to an impromptu one-on-one game as Paul challenges Kevin and Kevin verbally bitchslaps him by saying “I’m not in the mood to let you win.”

The outcome? Wait for the rerun. And The Wonder Years really does jump the shark here as Paul clearly has gone through puberty between this episode and the previous.

And that’s just two episodes. We didn’t even touch on Madeline and the bowl of chocolate, the infamous “Sex Book” shoplifting with one of the all-time great sitcom punchlines, the gutwrenching episode where Kevin goes on a pity date with Paul’s sister, the “Winnie likes Paul” two-parter with the kick-ass cliffhanger, and most of all, the godawful series finale where pretty much everything that we hoped would happen to Kevin doesn’t, and we discover that basically the only reason adult Kevin is flashing back to those years were because they were the best of his life.

I love this show because Kevin Arnold is the typical teenager. He does what he thinks is right, but in retrospect, damn, he was really an asshole. I envy those who don’t feel the same looking back at their youth.

The Wonder Years. 9-10pm. Monday-Friday. ION television. Channel 17 on cable. I don’t have a clue what it is on regular TV. Now keep in mind we’re on season 4, and the dreaded season 6, (which is where the show completely falls apart), is coming soon. You may be better off waiting until mid-June when the series starts again. Thanks to the tons of music clearance rights, it’s unlikely the show will be on DVD anytime soon, so check it out now. While you can.

Two must-sees in this week’s update and rare-upon-rare, these are two you can still catch in the theater, (as of May 2007.) You’d be a fool to miss them.



300 (2007) Gerard Butler ***½



Visually stunning and all-around entertaining film about the Spartan movement against the Persian army despite the fact that there were 300 Spartan soldiers and over a million Persians. Film perhaps overstates its violence, (it’s there but in video-game style), and basically the film is this: the first major Hollywood video-game movie. You almost expect to see a score in the left part of the screen. The dialogue is silly, (and actually caused me a few laugh-out-loud moments), but the action sequences and stunning visuals more than make up for it. If you didn’t see it in the theater, I doubt you’ll have nearly the experience on video.



Caught (1996) Edward James Olmos, Maria Conchita Alonso **½



Good, yet unexceptional story of a fishman and his wife who take in a drifter who becomes attached to the wife. Standard love triangle story with the nice touch that none of the three characters are particularly mean-spirited, they just make bad choices. Film picks up once the couple’s son, (an obnoxious stand-up comedian), comes to town and can sense what’s going on right away. Actually, the last half really takes off with him as he’s the true bad guy, yet morally, he’s actually the good one. A good film with a few memorable scenes, but the payoff isn’t quite what it should be, and several scenes seem to come out of nowhere.



Children of Men (2006) Clive Owen, Julianne Moore ***½



Gutwrenching futuristic film about a chaotic world where women have become infertile, and Clive Owen finds himself protecting the one woman who isn’t from terrorist groups and the government. Incredible camerawork highlighted by three amazing sequences done in a single take, (or as research after the fact has shown, wasn’t, but damn if it doesn’t look like it was.) Film is moves slowly in the first half hour, but does it ever take off afterwards. Great soundtrack adds to what I consider to be stylistically a borderline masterpiece. Be forewarned, this IS a very dark and depressing film, but it is a film to be seen and to be studied.



Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) ***



Satire of “sex, drugs, and rock & roll” stories, three women and their manager head off to LA to make it big, and proceed to have sex with everyone they make eye contact with, all while getting stoned. Russ Meyer’s only mainstream film is ridiculous yet utterly hilarious. Only in the last 20 minutes does the film start to lose its luster. Lots and lots of nudity as well as doses of orgies, abortions, rapes, lesbian sex, and a beheading. Certainly a love it or hate it film, but I definitely enjoyed it. Film also has a surprisingly catchy soundtrack. Script was written by film critic Roger Ebert.



Hot Fuzz (2007) Simon Pegg ***½



Dare I say, probably the funniest film you’ll see this year, and the most I’ve laughed in a theater since Team America. The creators of Shaun of the Dead, (which I haven’t seen), mercilessly mock American action films in the tale of a perfect London cop sent down to a small town with no crime because he’s “too good.” Only complaint is the film’s a tad too long, (there are roughly three different endings), but there are huge laughs all throughout, especially in its intentionally over-the-top finale. And trust me, you’ll laugh as hard as you wince at certain scenes that are legitimately some of the gorier stuff you’ll ever see. Forget the plot, just go with it. I guarantee you will laugh. And hard.

Wow, Sydney been busy, a new column already! Actually, I have been busy, just not watching movies. These are some of the films that didn’t quite make previous columns or I literally just watched last Friday night. Let’s do this sonofagun. Boy, that’s a phrase that lost what little spark it once had once you could say “bitch” on TV.

Ronin(1998) Robert DeNiro, Jean Reno ***

Thriller about DeNiro as a disgraced former CIA agent, hooking up with hoodlums to steal a valuable case only to find the Irish and Russian mobs want it too. Solid action film with perhaps one chase scene too many, and a third act that borders on silliness due to an oddly placed ice-skating subplot. But an entertaining film as long as you ignore the crater-wide plotholes. Second act chase scene ranks as one the finer ones I’ve seen. David Mamet helped write the script, but was uncredited.

Joy Ride (2001) Paul Walker, Steve Zahn **½

Update of Duel finds two brothers using an old CB radio to crank call a truck driver only to discover he’s a homicidal maniac. First half is very sharp and quite suspenseful, but the script seems to run out of things to do, (much like Duel.) Problem is, this type of story is either an hour anthology or a short film. 90 minutes is too long for what amounts to an extended chase, (with a vehicle that can basically only go straight.) Better than it has any right to be, but certainly not a must-see. The discovery of the driver at the end is a complete cheat though.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005) Tyler Perry **1/2

I had purposely rented this film due to hearing about how awful Perry’s performance is, and while it is indeed pretty bad, the film survives despite it. Rather cliched story about a woman thrown out by her husband and how she finds happiness elsewhere only to decide she prefers revenge instead. First hour is actually pretty decent, but then collapses with a plot twist that stops the film dead. And as annoying as Tyler Perry is as Madea, her character is surprisingly only present in less than a third of the film. Film tries to have its heart in the right place, but really, I can’t honestly recommended it either as a good or bad film. Not as bad as you might think, but not so bad as to go out of your way to see it.

Half Nelson (2006) Ryan Gosling ***½

Gosling portrays a history teacher with a serious drug abuse problem. When a student discovers his secret and tries to help him, the teacher ends up trying to save her from a possibly similar fate. Gosling earned a well-deserved Oscar nom if solely for the emotionally powerful climax where he hits rock bottom and KNOWS it, delivering a chilling performance with just two facial expressions. Excellent script, and the classroom sequences are tremendous, (the irony being that Gosling technically isn’t actually teaching anything but his own personal philosophy.) One of the better films of 2006.

Overnight (2005) Troy Duffy ***

Almost painful documentary about Troy Duffy, director of The Boondock Saints, and how he single-handedly destroyed his own career in a matter of years. Troy secured a record deal and a film deal without ever directing or producing anything. The results are documented here as Troy’s massive ego and borderline sociopath behavior alienates him from his family, friends, and ultimately, the studio. It’s perhaps the greatest irony that his bandmates are so kept in the dark to everything that we never even learn their names until the end. And it’s a greater irony that The Boondock Saints became a cult hit on video, but due to the contract Troy signed, he’ll never see a dime of it. Very good companion piece to Saints, though probably a bit dry on its own.

A bit of a departure this go-around…..

In honor of Martin Scorsese FINALLY winning Best Director, and for the Academy voters FINALLY picking a Best Picture that really WAS the Best Picture, here are five other must-see Scorsese films, a few of which I know you’ve seen, and a few others well-worth seeking out.

Taxi Driver (1976) Robert DeNiro, Cybil Shepard ****

My all-time favorite film and required viewing by every person who dares call themselves a fan of the cinema. Robert DeNiro is Travis Bickle, a Vietnam Vet who becomes a taxi driver in what is essentially his attempt to reach out to humanity. Bickle is a loner, has no friends, doesn’t know how to make friends, and ends up scaring people because of it. The ultimate character study as Bickle descends further and further into madness epitomized by an assassination scene so beautifully done, it was recreated for real by a similar nut in 1981 on Reagan. If you’ve ever felt lonely, ever felt that you didn’t belong, this film will bring a whole new perspective on it. The climax is a tad flawed, and the ending has the dreaded “what is real and what isn’t” vibe, but it’s a film you’ll never forget.

The King of Comedy (1983) Robert DeNiro, Jerry Lewis ****

A film decades ahead of its time as DeNiro plays Rupert Pupkin, a no-talent loser whose only ambition is to appear on Jerry Langford’s, (Lewis), late night program. When all fails, he kidnaps him. An incredibly painful film to watch, there’s nothing worse than seeing a man get humiliated and not have the brains to even realize it, but DeNiro nails this role perfectly. This film foresaw the world of VH-1 and E! by decades in its portrayal of a nobody becoming somebody by accident. Sandra Bernhardt has an equally memorable turn, and Jerry Lewis gives the performance of his life. The two scenes Lewis and DeNiro have together rank as some of the best acting I’ve ever seen. The film was written for Johnny Carson, who passed on it.

After Hours (1985) Griffin Dunne, Rosanna Arquette ****

A man tries to get laid. And he pays the price. In a nutshell, that’s what this film is about as Dunne plays a bored computer programmer who wanders into the lives of many females on one crazy night only to find they are all equally insane. One of the darkest comedies you’ll ever see as things go from bad to worse to oh-my-god-bad. Rent the DVD if possible as the deleted scene in the bartender’s apartment completely deserved to be in the final cut, not to mention you’ll learn about the absolutely insane alternate ending. Every girl in this film represents a woman in my life. It means nothing to you, it means a lot to me. Watch for Scorsese in the mohawk scene.

Raging Bull (1980) Robert DeNiro, Cathy Moriarty ****

Incredible character study of boxer Jake LaMotta, a killer in the ring, and an insensitive loser outside. Features some of the ballsiest boxing shots you’ll ever see as well as some of the saddest displays of “machismo.” DeNiro famously gained, (and then dropped), 40 lbs for this role, which basically means you all have no excuse. You walk into this film thinking it’s about boxing, and then you realize it’s about the sensitivity of man. Now THAT is genius. On first viewing, I didn’t get it, and you may not either, but it’s an incredible story of how pride kills, and how one can lose everything standing on their principles. I won’t say which ones, but two of the sequences rank among the greatest in film history. And most films can’t even pull one off. Major screen debut of Joe Pesci.

Goodfellas (1990) Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci ****

Arguably one of the greatest films of the 90s, easily one of the best films to be robbed at the Oscars, the docudrama of mobster Henry Hill gets better with age. The story of gangster life ranks with The Godfather in this telling of criminal behavior in the 50s and 60s. Joe Pesci gives the performance of a lifetime in a manner that is still parodied today. The film became so huge, it’s a virtual Mob 101 these days. But that withstanding, it’s a film that demands repeat viewings for many of the nuances that may be missed, from the no-cut club sequence to Pesci’s expression in his last shot. And despite the repetition, Pesci going from happy-to-demonic-to-happy-to-demonic in the “You think I’m funny” sequence is one of the all-time-classics. And there has been little I could say that about since.

More from me, and for those interested in what it is I actually DO at FOX 25, click here. There, you’ll find some of the promos and stories I’ve been working on. It will be updated every week.

On to the reviews:

The Devil and Daniel Johnston (2006) ***½

Documentary about the career of Austin musician Daniel Johnston, a brilliant man who spent his life fighting manic depression and sitting on the cusp of stardom on numerous occasions. The fact that Daniel recorded and made videos of most of the moments in his life brings out a story that couldn’t have been told as well. Instead of hearing about his insane behavior in New York, it’s RIGHT THERE. Instead of hearing about the love of his life, we see a film he made of her. Mesmerizing and poignant, it’s one of the best films of 2006. And the special features section is a must, as it adds an additional epilogue on Daniel that is both sad and a tad unnerving.

My Favorite Year (1982) Peter O’Toole, Mark Linn-Baker ***

Loveable farce about the early days of television with O’Toole as washed-up actor Allan Swan guest starring on a popular variety show and the chaos he causes. While much of the film is dopey (a lot of it plays like bad Broadway), O’Toole gives a killer performance as does Joseph Bologna as the egotistical TV star. You can definitely see who is patterned after who here with Bologna as Sid Caesar and O’Toole as Errol Flynn. Film has as many moments that work as moments that don’t, but it all leads to one of the more satisfying movie endings I’ve seen. Much like Swan himself, you’ll forgive its shortcomings when it delivers in the end.

Idiocracy (2006) Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph. **

Mike Judge’s follow-up to the cult classic Office Space is an absolute mess about an Army soldier accidentally sent 500 years into the future to discover that the world has dumbed down so much that he is the smartest man on Earth. A few funny side-gags keep this from being a total disaster, but the film is so poorly written and poorly edited it’s sometimes hard to figure out what the hell is going on. Infamous for getting dumped from a major summer release and instead released in two cities for a week. After watching it, I understand why. First 20 minutes are the highlight. Cameos by several Mike Judge cohorts are completely wasted.

The Wicker Man (2006) Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn *1/2

Awful remake of what I can assume was a good cult film about a man sent to a female colony to locate his missing daughter. Basically one of those “cryptic” films where everybody talks in code and everyone acts weird solely to draw suspicion. Not to mention a film featuring symbolism so blatant you’re practically beaten over the head with it. But this film has two things going for it: an incredibly over-the-top performance by Nicholas Cage, and a laugh-out-loud third act that has some incredibly bad dialogue and visuals, highlighted by a Cage karate scene with a woman and Cage dressed as a bear. Starts off as an okay-ish movie, but my God does it collapse in the end. Somehow Neil LaBute directed this mess.

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) ***½

Visually stunning and emotionally depressing tale of a young girl in WWII Spain, sent to live with a cruel general while her mother gives birth, and the world of creatures and fantasy that develops around her. The best way I can compare this is to say it’s Brazil with The Wizard of Oz tossed in. Never boring with an ending that you can’t help but react emotionally to. A few plot points keep this from the full four stars, (suffers slightly in a Dancer in the Dark way, where characters do things SOLELY so bad things will eventually happen to them.) But the performances and the visuals are tremendous, and the real-life plot is almost as captivating as the child’s version. One of 2006’s best.