Issue 35:
Tit-for-Tat
By
Amdnarg Toh and The Dude
In a nondescript coffee house somewhere in the Midwest, we see the Dude and Amdnarg Toh conducting a brainstorm of comic book nerdiness…
TD: So – I was thinking the other day about who would be the most villainous villain…
For me I would have to say the Joker. You might immediately think of Magneto, Luthor, or some god-like character. My problem with “bad” guys of Magneto’s type is that it is all relative to your perspective. Luthor and his ilk are too purposefully driven for me, and Gods are Gods. So I am left with the Joker- a super insane sociopath with no real motivation, such as land or power, driving him to cause destruction. He just loves killing and causing mayhem for the fun of it. Add that to the fact that he is a genius with immense knowledge of chemistry, and you have a lethal combination.
AT: I agree. A villain who is either immortal or all-powerful doesn’t hold my interest. But my vote goes to Parallax. It’s hard to get any more bad-ass than being the actual embodiment of fear, and being able to inhabit the body of another and then use their power to do your bidding. That’s “bring me my brown pants” kind of scary. There’s a primal fear that can’t be entirely dismissed by rationalizing it away when the possibility that your body could be inhabited by another being, especially if you’re conscious somehow while it happens. The hammer came down for the Guardians of the Universe, the monk-ish order of beings who created the Green Lantern corps. When Parallax seduced and then made Hal Jordan go mad after the destruction of Coast City, his home base, he basically wiped out the whole green Lantern corps, the Guardians, and the main power battery on OA itself. But the whole “good guy switching to bad” theme kind of takes some of the bite away from the Hal Jordan/Parallax amalgam villain thing, so I’m torn.
Speaking of good guys switching sides, who do think would make the best good guy gone bad?
TD: I would have to go off my gut reaction here of Hulk. He would be like Luthor on roids. He would have all that scientific genius, as Banner, to carry out his plots. If the good guys came along, though, he could change into the Hulk, and you know how that goes. “Hulk smash.” I never really thought about it until now, but Hulk, as he is, really is just a rip off of the Jeckyll and Hyde character.
AT: Yeah - I actually like the Elseworlds story “Red Son.” The basic premise is: What if Kal-El, (Superman), was launched from Krypton a few minutes later and his rocket ship crash landed in the Ukraine instead of in a Kansas farmland? A communist Superman? This story explores the possibility of what might happen if Superman tried to shape the world into the diametric opposite of “Truth, Justice, and the American Way.” The way they changed his chest symbol from the “S” to the Sickle and Hammer just reminds me of the movie Red Dawn… But bad guys gone good – I’m not sure… Whaddyathink?
TD: “Wolverinessssssssssssss!” Seriously, what would be your All-star JLA line up?
AT: I’d have to go with:
Superman – a shoe-in
Batman – dark foil for the “goody two shoes” heroes
Firestorm – young hothead with a professor’s consciousness stuck in his head
Green Lantern – personal favorite
WonderWoman – so call me a misogynist
Bloodwynd – you always need a guy who can summon the dead
Martian Manhunter – I like green guys
Ones definitely NOT in:
Hawkman
Red Tornado
Plasticman
Aquaman
Blue Beetle
Booster Gold
What about you – You got an X-Men MVP team?
TD: I’d say:
Wolverine – personal fave, and a given
Magneto – a god among mutants
Jean Gray – ditto previous, and who needs a cripple in a wheel chair with her around?
Iceman – they are just starting to show how powerful he should be
Spiderman – I need a scientist. If he can replace Mr. Fantastic he can out The Beast
Iron Man – Money, and cool toys
Nightcrawler – get me out of here guy
Sixth (wo)man:
Rogue – copy others’ power
No way:
Cyclops – pussy
Beast – I don’t need any one going feral on me.
Jubilee – personal dislike
Daredevil
Union Jack
Nick Fury
AT: Pretty good t-ball team there – sport… But I’d bet my JLA could kick your X-Men’s ass!!!
TD: SHINK! Nuff said.
AT: Whatever – Wolverine’s just a bad boy with a hormone problem.
TD: Exactly! You make my point for me.
AT: I’ll take you down “dude”!!!!!
TD: I’ll “Toh” your “Amdnarg”!!!
Amid the girly screams and cries of “I’m a bleeder”, we leave our esteemed comic-fellows to their sad, sad little tete-a-tete…
AT: Yoga flame!!!
TD: I know genosha jit-su!!!
Until next time, dear readers.
Issue 14:
Tit-for-Tat
By
Medulla Vesuvius and Rascal Stallion
It’s an argument as old as The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones. Or TO-MA-TO vs. TO-MAH-TO. Or Calvinism vs. Wesleyanism: Which singer, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar, is the true singer for Van Halen? (Former Extreme singer Gary Cherone is excluded as history shows him to be an apocryphal member of the band.) Today, Medulla Vesuvius, (Tit), discusses the relative virtues of each with his adversary, Rascal Stallion, (Tat). Let’s join the conversation…
Tit: OK, so the version of Van Halen with Sammy Hagar is obviously inferior to the one with David Lee Roth. Any fool can see that. For one thing there’s the balance of names: David LEE Roth. Edward VAN Halen. Alex VAN Halen. Three guys with three parts to their names. They are the triune-named trinity of rock. I think you overlook that fact at your own peril.
Tat: (Conspicuous lack of response on the part of Rascal Stallion.)
Tit: As far as vocal stylings are concerned, Dave brought more of a “party-boy” type of vibe to the band, with all of his little asides and speaking parts- i.e. “I’ve always liked those kinds of high-heels, too,” “Have you seen Junior’s grades?” or “Reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back…” A natural singer Dave was not, but I think he brought a certain looseness to the band that made it seem like these guys were having fun. What does Sammy bring to the table? Drama. Dave would have never allowed lyrics like “Baby, just spread your wings,” or any video remotely related to The Blue Angels. I can’t really think of a ballad on any of the first Van Halen records. And everybody knows that ballads are for suckers.
Tat: If the job title includes the word singer then you would infer that singing was an integral part of the job. When it comes to singing, Roth simply cannot compare to the abilities of Hagar. While Sammy has a strong voice that is capable of a good tone while still full of some rocking raspiness, Dave has a vocal range slightly above that of Marlee Matlin.
If asked to sing each other’s material Sammy would at least be able to get through all of the Dave era stuff. Dave wouldn’t last through the first chorus of any Sammy song he might attempt.
Tit: I think the band suffered sound-wise a little bit once Sammy came along. 5150 and OU812 are victims of the sterile, early digital sound that was becoming popular around that time in the 80s, which isn’t Sammy’s fault, but is another reason I’ll take the Roth-era music. The drum sounds on those first Hagar albums are just so tiny and sound like Alex was playing one little drum. And I hate to say it, but even though Eddie’s technique was still mind-blowing, the sounds themselves were a little lifeless and over-effected for awhile there.
Tat: Sammy is a capable musician. With his ability to play the guitar he adds a new dimension to Van Halen that David simply could not. With Roth, Eddie was somewhat handcuffed in what he could do with his guitar. Once Sammy arrived and was able to take over some of the more mundane stuff, Eddie was free to take his wizardry to new heights.
One argument Dave fans like to use is that he is the superior showman to Sammy. While I would concede this point I would contend that the gap between the two is not so severe in this regard. Sure you’re not going to see Sammy jump up and pop a balloon with his foot but it’s not like he hobbled around the stage on palsy crutches.
Hagar excelled in a solo career before joining Van Halen. In that regard he was used to being solely responsible for getting the crowd off. Joining Van Halen must have been such a relief to him to have 3 other bandmates with which to share that task.
Tit: OK, then. Let’s talk some specifics. There’s just simply no beating some of the Roth-era songs: “Running With the Devil,” Album1, Track 1. What a way to introduce your band to the world! How about “Jump?” It’s instantly identifiable, after just one note. “Panama,” “Beautiful Girls,” “Dance the Night Away,” “Hot for Teacher,” “Drop Dead Legs,” “Unchained,” “Atomic Punk,” “Jamie’s Cryin’?” Come on, man! The Roth era just rocked! And even when they did a mid-tempo song like “Jamie’s Cryin’,” there was still such a cocksure attitude! No grating-voiced philosophy. Just full on rock n’ roll that was somehow simultaneously simple and impressive.
Tat: “Right Now” is a much better stadium anthem than “Jump.” Sure, “Jump” is nice when you’re getting ready for a tip ball at a hoops game but very few songs set the stage for drama like “Right Now.” That piano starts doing it’s opening run and the home team bursts out of the tunnel or the skaters start looping around the ice and you just know that somebody is about to get their ass kicked.
Conclusion: Sammy was the natural progression of the band. As the band matured, Dave and his antics became obsolete. These four guys had more or less grown up together, only Dave never really grew up. He was like the old friend from high school who never really adapted to life afterward. Sure he’s occasionally fun to have around, but as time goes on, you realize he’s still living in the past. You’ve got your new friends from college and he just doesn’t really fit in, anymore. The old jokes just stop being funny anymore.
The band weren’t kids anymore and they needed a more sophisticated singer…
Conclusion:…Which I suppose is the reason they went on to fire Hagar after a few years? To continue your metaphor, I guess Gary Cherone would have been their friend they met at their jobs at the bank who they thought was a cool guy, but once they really got to know him outside of work, they found out he’s kind of lame.
Agree to Disagree.
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