Issue 44:
Various and Sundry
By
Common Terry
Instead of arguing with Rep. Terrill and his emboldened plans to enact legislation making English the official language of Oklahoma, let’s consider why that would actually be a good thing for the state. If English were to be the official language, then let some of us get to work on what are sure to be overlooked consequences of the legislation’s details.
The proposed legislation will do wonders to enhance the view of our young state as the home on the range for all linguists and English majors, who would race to join other right thinkers at our borders to stake claim to their area of specialty. Let some structure and diagram the committees necessary to decide the finer points of usage, grammar, and what actually constitutes the English language. Specialists should be responsible for chairing the sub-committees, including a permanently temporary sub-committee to review oxymoronic usage and a new committee for neologisms. This should all flow well in theory, but some are sure to be critical. Some specialists would surely clamor to review the committees’ reviews, and pose questions of what is meant [or not] by each detail. As those committees draft, re-draft, review and respond, I would like to start the conversation as to what might actually constitute breaking the law:
If English is the official language, then proper usage must be legal; and finally, to the relief of all thoughtful, considerate users thereof, improper usage-illegal. Fines at a minimum, but tickets for use of the reflexive pronoun in the nominative. Misdemeanors for nominative objects of prepositions. Jail time for split infinitives; community alerts for thinking a preposition is something to end a sentence with. That might all seem pedantic and esoteric-nay, harsh—to anyone without a high school degree. To them, such rules will be seen only as coercive legislation, as nothing more than sin tax.
But there is room for all to take part in citizen’s arrests of those who harbor and abet the illegal use of English. “Dude, I can’t understand you-you’re going to jail!” And off the air with those radio stations that promote the lazy or sloppy use of English. Rap, country, unintelligible indie rock- all off the airwaves. Those visitors driving through our state, (who, surely out of respect for our laws, would stay mutely in their cars until well beyond the borders), will hear nothing aired but right-sounding speech.
But the harshest penalties should be in place for what Rep. Terill and others ought to consider the most egregious crimes against English, its systematic and subversive semantic deployment by certain segments of the population. I leave that, however, for we the people to decide what that means.
Issue 43:
Various and Sundry
By
Medulla Vesuvius
Imagine a world…
Before there were Hogwart’s and Harry and a whole host of humorously literary hijinx…
It’s the late 1800s in rugged Utah. The small town is Adenville, populated by regular, pleasant people. Nary a one of them can perform mystical, Latin-sounding spells, but there are plenty of quaint little adventures and amusing events revolving around the life of one pre-teen kid, Thomas D Fitzgerald, aka “The Great Brain.”
John D. Fitzgerald wrote a series of seven books in the late sixties and early seventies that, philosophically, were a precursor to the Harry Potter books. With titles such as The Great Brain at the Academy and The Great Brain Does It Again, they were a rare achievement in that they were stories of childhood that kids could read and not be talked down to by the author.
I read The Great Brain at the Academy when I was in third or fourth grade, just discovering the wonderful world of books and bookstores, and decided to revisit the entire series just to appease the child inside and I can tell you from experience there is a little bit to think about in these books as an adult as well.
For one thing there is the issue of narration. The tales in these books are told from the perspective of JD, younger brother to “The Great Brain.” You see, the bulk of these stories are about Tom’s schemes to make money off of other kids in town. He pulls off all kinds of plans, usually involving betting or fixed games of chance, and JD is almost always one of those feeling swindled at the end. So what we have here is a wonderfully unreliable narrator and part of the fun for an adult is to try to separate the facts from the coloring of the facts.
Another interesting thing to look for in these books is-how are adults portrayed through the eyes of a child? In general, in JDs world, adults are capable of all manner of things: robbing trains, being outlaws, sheriffs, homemakers…Case in point-Papa. As the editor of the town newspaper he is pretty much assumed to be the smartest man in town. Yet, he also has a history and reputation of being a first-adopter of all kinds of wild-eyed inventions that don’t work. This is a typical youthful depiction of adults as being dullards. Yet he and Mama are capable of great compassion as they adopt a young boy whose parents died in a landslide.
There is a realistic roundness to the main adults that contrasts with the static-ness of the kids of the neighborhood, who mostly play to type: the swindler, the fat kid who speaks in rhymes, the bully, etc.
Another more humorous aspect to these books is the mind-body separation. Over and over, Tom refers to “my great brain” as a separate entity from himself. The idea of someone being able to openly appreciate his or her own intellect without egotism is funny enough, but the idea of separating it from who you are is even more amusing.
And finally, I come to the most intriguing element of these stories, JD’s very perceptive discussion of the motivation behind Tom and his cheating ways. Over and over, when discussing the possibility of Tom’s reforming from his swindling, JD makes the point that it’s not Tom’s great brain that causes him to cheat people, but rather it’s his “money-loving heart.” This is a very adult discussion to make and provides food for thought as you read about all of the trouble that Tom gets into, as well as the few times that he saves the day. (But you better believe he does it with the expectation of reward.)
Coming in at just about 120 pages per book, you can read the entire collection of Fitzgerald’s Great Brain books, including the posthumously published The Great Brain is Back, in about the time it takes to read a single volume of the Harry Potter series and, having recently fed the third grader living inside of me with these books I can confidently say that the humorously simple portrait it paints of the American family at the turn of the century provides for some enjoyably fun reading.
Issue 42:
Various and Sundry
By
The Dude
Halloween is awesome. It is a time of the year that one of my nerd traits is equalized by society. I loved, okay love, dressing up into alter egos. I do not just mean comic book characters. I would dress up as Mr. T, Vanilla Ice, Condor Man, Ninja, Caveman, Guitar Guy, and anybody else for whom I could put a hodge podge of an outfit together. This would all be on your average afternoon, and have nothing to do with Halloween.
Then that great and glorious time of the year would come when the world would dress up with me. I started smelling candy, pumpkins and Charlie Brown shows in August. My mom would take me to the fabric store with her, and I would pick out the pattern for almost whatever costume I wanted.
I was never allowed to be a ninja. They are evil men of no moral or ethical boundaries, according to my dad, but I could be a Samurai. They have morals and ethics when they kill people I guess.
I had the big three that I almost always picked. Zorro. The Lone Ranger. Dracula. My mom made the sweetest Lone Ranger outfit. It had details like real cowboy stitching on the shirt, and the mask tied. None of that cheap elastic crap on my mask. The inside of my Dracula cap was lined with red material. She always went the extra mile to make the outfit seem real, which meant a lot back then, because you could not just go to Target and get a real Aragorn outfit with all the accessories. You had to make your outfits. Target was where you would go for candy.
As an adult I moved on to more adult attire at Halloween. You know- The Crow, Merlin, and yes, my beloved ninjas. I kept up the tradition of realistic costumes. When I was The Crow I had long hair that I dyed black, and I pieced the costume together at thrift stores. I think the need to have an authentic outfit is what keeps me in the nerd category even at Halloween.
Now as a parent I have a new temptation toward realism in my costumes as well as a new temptation to dress up my unsuspecting child as a sidekick, a partner or an archenemy. This year he is going as a dragon, and I am thinking about going as a wizard or knight. I might even try to get my wife to be a princess. We almost bought him a Curious George outfit, which would have been more than enough excuse for me to be The Man in the Yellow Hat.
I want Lil’ Dude to be able to pick his own costumes and learn to love Halloween as much as I do. I just cannot help my need to go as Batman and Robin, Superman and Jimmy, or Kid Rock and his midget. I only have so many Halloweens before I die, and he will have his own son to torture one day, right?
Does this sound like a mom, a daughter and a wedding to anyone else?
Issue 42:
Various and Sundry
By
Amdnarg Toh
We here at Nerd City want to extend our most sincere congratulations to Amdnarg-Toh, one of our technical writers, on his recent graduation from the University of Illinois at Effingham. It was no small feat for him to attend college full time in addition to the tiresome work he performed here at Nerd City.
His faculty advisor stated “Along with being the only mountain dwarf in his family to ever attend college, he has excelled in many academic pursuits, not the least of which being his studies in Argumentative Rhetoric, rising to star placement as a Master Debater on the debate team. We’re extremely proud of him here at Eff U.”
Mr. Toh has been a member in good standing of several academic fellowships his entire college career, the two most prestigious being I Ata Pi, the fraternity of culinary arts aficionados as well as the popular leisure studies Honor Society, I Felta Thi.
He was also chosen to be among a handful of students across the nation to receive special financial consideration by the honorable Electrical Engineering National Interscholastic Endowment, (EENIE) as well as the more specified Microscopic Electrical Engineering National Interscholastic Endowment, (MEENIE.)
But home always had a special place in his heart and thus his equally impressive volunteer work in his hometown of Owatonna, MN– a rare advisory board placement with the Minnesota Institute for Nurturing Enterprising Youth, (MINEY) and the Minnesota Organization of Entrepreneurs, (MOE.) “We here at MINEY are very proud of the momentous, altruistic work that Mr. Toh has been able to fit in to his six years as a college student,” gushes president Adolph Oliver Knipple
But a sense of balance between studies and fun is a rare commodity in the lives of academically gifted people. However, Amdnarg has managed it quite well. “What’s that saying? ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?’” opines girlfriend Anita Mann. “Well, Ammy, (as he’s known to close friends) is certainly not a dull boy,” referring to his activity as apostle of school spirit on the yell team.
“He made a great impact on many of us here. His sense of camaraderie and love for his fellow man was evident,” quipped Jimbo Berkinghamshirewood, the president of the yell team.
“At basketball games, he was always able to gather the students into a rhythmic chant of Eff-U Forever!” says fellow student Harry Palms.
“He even sometimes tried to make the referees feel like a part of the team by shouting Eff-U! at them continually from the sideline – What a guy!” quipped sophomore student Amanda Hugginkiss.
In addition to his Degree in Argumentative Studies and additional engineering research, he was granted the Argumentative Studies Specialty designation on his diploma. He was recorded as saying “Whenever I look at my diploma on the wall, and see that they realized that I was such an ASS, I’ll think to myself – thank God. Eff-U Forever!”
Issue 41:
Various and Sundry
By
Statica
If the circus is “The Greatest Show on Earth,” then my name is JC Penney.
I recently found myself on the outside of the center ring at a county circus. It was completely by accident. You see, I was traversing the countryside by a buggy powered by two actual horses from Dublin to London…Arkansas. The trip was going as planned. The atmosphere was placid and the air was pure and extremely oxygenated by the not-so-existent Arkansas rainforest. The air was actually polluted by gaseous fowl hovering no more than fourteen meters above my travel capsule…a capsule that used to be black but is now completely white. I would not call it an off-white…more of a poop white.
Now then, where was I?
Oh yes, after he stabbed me I found myself lying alone in a ditch filled with Ozarka spring water. I had been robbed of all my possessions: my wallet, Dr. Martin dress boots, even my magical monocle. This monocle allowed me to see into the future…of rock ‘n’ roll.
It was an incredible experience. I had only looked into it once for fear that it would steal my soul and bring judgment onto my people.
But the one time I looked into the mysterious lens, I was taken to a great field once used for raising pet corn. On this day, however, it had been conquered by a great people from a place called Hip. Upon a gargantuan platform stood a man…a very dark-skinned man. (Before this I had only heard there were such a charred people.) He was strapped into a medium-sized electronic device which seemed to have taken over his body and was using him as a medium through which to speak. His voice was deep with a regal growl as if he was proclaiming his majesty and well-being.
Then, without any warning at all, he let out something that, upon deep reflection, I determined to be a battle cry.
At this point everyone lying in the field stood at attention and obeyed every command that came forth from this dark god’s fiery, electric voice. Then a giant fireball came out of the sky and consumed everything and everyone in sight. Upon further inspection I found a deep hole and in this hole was some sort of container that contained, ironically, a baby.
This is my account of how I believe the world will come to an end 32 years from now in the year of our Lord 1969.
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