Issue 24: Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By Medulla Vesuvius

“Through Being Cool”: A Nerd’s Guide to Pop Music*

So, you’ve trounced all the other members of the chess team, read all the Batman comics, played with your Wii until your arms are sore and broken up with the only guy or girl who ever talked to you in order to have more time for World of Warcraft. The only thing left to do is pick out the soundtrack for your particular brand of misery. Let’s get you to the ball, Cinderella!

I. Eliminate the ninnies and the twits

The most obvious musical need for your average nerd is that which picks the brain or strokes the intellect more than your garden variety “I love you, wish you were still with me” pap. (Incidentally, that is why this is a guide to “pop” music and not necessarily “popular” music.) For you science brainiacs out there, I recommend They Might Be Giants’ “Why Does the Sun Shine?” This cover of an obscure old children’s record is super-catchy, yet highly informative. Back when it was originally written, it was probably the prototypical form of “edutainment.,” with its repeating chorus:

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas

A gigantic nuclear furnace

Where hydrogen is built into helium

At a temperature of millions of degrees

Note to those trying to find this online: The original EP version of this song is a simple, more staid reading, (with John Linnell’s accordion), than the high-energy rock n’ roll version, a staple of their live performances and contained on the album Severe Tire Damage, for instance.

But the nerd brain is not exclusively the domain for mere facts and figures. Some may prefer a high-minded literary synthesis of ideas as a type of mental exercise. For this, I suggest the appropriately pretentious-sounding “Cygnus X-1, Book II: Hemispheres” off the wonderful prog-rock classic album, Rush’s Hemispheres. What better setting for space-travel melded with Greek mythology than an 18-minute magnum opus of technical uber-rock? “None,” say I. Maybe the following would pique your interest?

Apollo was astonished

Dionysus thought me mad

But they heard my story further

And they wondered, and were sad

II. If you live in a small town/ you might meet a dozen or two/ young alien types who step out/ and dare to declare

Even the most analytical nerd needs to come back down to earth at the days’ end and deal with matters of the heart and its tender fleshiness. And to that end, I extol the heart’s cry of Kermit: “Bein’ Green.” Kermit would have us know that it’s tough out here for a frog:

It seems you blend in with so many ordinary things

And people tend to pass you over

‘cause you’re not standin’ out like flashy sparkles on the water

Or stars in the sky

Let’s face it. Being a nerd can be a lonely existence. Many is the nerd who, upon reflection, sees him or herself as inconsequential, not even in the game. People don’t want to hear about your Romulan ale, your favorite section of the Periodic Table or your table tennis trophies. And the real tragedy is when the true nerd, like the true frog, doesn’t choose his or her nerdiness any more than the amphibian chooses his color. But the story doesn’t end there, folks. The song goes on to tell us that big important things like oceans, mountains and trees are also green. There is hope for those who seek a new vision. Hallelujah, people!

I am green and it’ll do fine

It’s beautiful

And I think it’s what I want to be

This is nerd affirmation if I’ve ever heard it.

Ah, romance. Is there any sorer of a sore spot in the typical nerd experience? None that I know of. Knowing what I do about the average nerd’s predisposition towards robots, I almost recommended Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” and its robot voice for inspirational late night listening. But two difficulties with this particular song came to mind: 1) “Mr. Roboto” is making an interesting resurgence in American pop culture. In a word, “Mr. Roboto” has become self-aware. It is now ironically cool to like this song that ended Styx’s time in the limelight, thanks to car commercials and more largely thanks to VH1 and its monolithic 80s-ophilia. “Ironically cool” and “nerdy” are mutually exclusive, so I can’t recommend it. 2) I have seen no empirical evidence that this song makes people want to procreate. (Nor do I wish to see that evidence.) There is a much better choice that suits nerds, (heterosexual, male nerds anyway), who want to ride the fence between robot appreciation and wooing a special someone—namely Zapp and Roger’s “I Want to Be Your Man.” It’s the most sensual song employing robot vocoder singing that I’ve ever heard. Seek this one out, fellas, but only if you’re looking for guaranteed success with the women-folk.

III. Rearrange a face/ We always liked Picasso anyway/ Mash ‘em

And finally I come to general purpose music. Hangin’ with the posse tunes. Kickin’ it grooves, you know. Just chillin’. For this, might I suggest a little Cantina Band music from a certain movie about an interstellar fracas involving an evil empire and a band of scrappy rebels, composed by a certain John Williams? That’s right, “Mad About Me” is a whirling dervish of a song with a Carribean/galactic marching band type of vibe.

Maybe you’re more of an “ideas” type of nerd when it comes to your utility music. You’re looking for something to make you ask “why?” I’ve got just the thing for you: check out any album by the group Man or Astro-man? What’s the big idea behind their music? Oh, just a sandwich made with old-school, (I’m talking 1950s-60s), sci-fi TV and radio clips as the meat, and 60s surf music as the bread. It’s a mélange of the aquatic-terrestrial and the anti-terrestrial. I heard that their live show featured a tesla coil prominently, which would wreak havoc with the sound equipment. Hotcha!

Any suggestions for further nerd listenening? I’m all ears. Leave a comment, why dontcha’?

*(All lyrics featured as subdivision headings are from “Through Being Cool” by Devo.)

Issue 24: Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By Sydney Brown

Sydney Brown’s Sixty Seconds

One of the things I’ve noticed on some of my more recent columns is that I’m liking everything. Everything’s getting ***-**** unless the movie flat-out sucks, and part of me was beginning to wonder if I was becoming easier to please or whether I’ve just been on an incredible roll.

Well whatever the reason, that roll has ended. This time, we’re looking at films that I have been eager to see, only to be let down by the end result. And it has certainly not been intentional. These are literally five of the last seven or eight films I’ve Netflixed, (and it’s a little late for Bad Santa.) So here’s a look at some films that aren’t necessarily terrible, but I’d get them ol’ expectations lowered.

Bang (1995) Darling Narita, Peter Greene **

Novel concept yet very disappointing and cliched execution involving a struggling actress who steals a police uniform and roams the street impersonating a cop. Film shot for $20,000, though it doesn’t look it. The main problem is the script and undeveloped characters. The stance of “all cops are scum” and “all poor people are misunderstood” gets shoved in our faces to the point of almost parody. Even the heroine (who comes off as a complete idiot in several scenes), never really develops a personality, reducing herself to breathing heavy and screaming as “acting.” Only Peter Greene, (Zed from Pulp Fiction), makes the most of his role as a kind yet insane homeless man.

Art School Confidential (2006) Max Minghella, John Malkovich **½

Rare Terry Zwigoff misstep about the world of art and why people do it. Film wants to be a satire, a romantic comedy, and a murder mystery, and it fails at all of them. First 20 minutes are very encouraging, but the characters and moments that are most interesting are practically forgotten halfway through. Minghella is a freshman who develops a crush on a fellow art model, but the lack of chemistry didn’t make me care about the relationship. And the “campus murderer” only gets brought up every 20 minutes to the point that it seems like an afterthought. Somewhat ironic that what the main character is accused of, (not sticking with one style and instead going all over the place), is the very problem with this film. Bright spots, but in general, a letdown.

Hard Candy (2006) *1/2

Unsettling film about a 32 year-old pedophile who picks up on the wrong girl and ends up being tortured for ninety minutes. Unfortunately, you may feel just as tortured watching it. Great performances but the problem is that the 14 year-old is so incredibly unlikeable, self-righteous, and bitchy, you may actually find yourself rooting for the bad guy. Neither lead is likeable in any way, making this a difficult film to get through, and once you realize the male lead is basically the Wile E. Coyote character and that the major shock scene in the middle turns into a major copout, all real suspense is gone. Not terrible, but certainly not worthy of the buzz it got in 2006. In many ways, it’s a kiddie-porn Oleanna in that both play as filmed stage plays, and also in that you want both characters to just go away.

A Scanner Darkly (2006) Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr. **½

Visually stunning yet confusing and often muddled story of a drug agent who becomes addicted to the very drug he’s working against, and due to being an undercover agent, (by wearing an ingenious invention), ends up investigating himself. Film was done in rotoscope (animation drawn over live action), much like the awesome Waking Life. Some very impressive and entertaining scenes surrounded by ones of complete confusion. Plays like the type of film one would enjoy more drunk or high. Downey Jr. and Woody Harrelson give great performances as addicts with much of their dialogue bordering on brilliant slapstick. Not good enough for ***, but better than **½.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006) Greg Kinnear, Steve Carrell **½

I tend to love the underdog films that make good, yet the surprise hit of the year is decent and often funny, but too much of this film has a “been there, done that” feel to it. Olive is a girl who wins her way to the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant and in doing so sets up a road trip with her bizarre family of mutes, drug addicts, and suicidals. Lots of cute moments headlined by the absolutely creepy pageant finale. Entertaining enough but just too many of the big moments were stolen from and done better by other films, (Vacation, Napolean Dynamite, hell, even the bitchy judge is the same role and actress as the bitchy teacher in Donnie Darko.) And it doesn’t help matters when the ads for the film SHOW THE ENDING. A good film, just very much overhyped.

Issue 24: Superhero Information Initiative
By Amdnarg Toh

Guy Gardner: Super Hero or Super Zero?

Of all of the superheroes that have graced my comic book collection over the years, the one that has caused me to seriously doubt the credibility of the whole enterprise is Guy Gardner. Why DC chooses not to kill this guy off, at least permanently, continues to elude me.

Here’s the deal – to fill in some gaps in the Green Lantern saga, DC brings in this Green Lantern “scab” while Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern we’ve come to know and love, is on hiatus. To understand why Guy Gardner is chosen as the replacement for Hal Jordan, we have to first go back to when Hal Jordan became Green Lantern. (I just love superhero origin stories, so bear with me…)

Abin Sur was an alien from Ungara, who was appointed as Green Lantern of sector 2814. Green Lanterns were a corps of sentient beings who served as protectors of the space sectors to which they were assigned. Each possessed a power ring that, combined with the will power of the bearer, could form any sort of force field or object. Their only weakness was that they were not effective against anything yellow. While on patrol, Abin’s spaceship was disabled and he was forced to land on the nearest planet, Earth. Mortally wounded in the crash, he sent his ring on a quest for the next ring bearer. It found Hal Jordan, Abin willed the ring to Hal, and Hal became Green Lantern. It was later discovered that Hal wasn’t the only candidate the ring found. Guy Gardner was the second candidate, but Hal was closer to Abin, so he chose Hal instead of Guy.

Later on, Guy and Hal met, Guy became the second string GL for Earth, and when Hal left on a mission to recruit more GLs for the corps, Guy was assigned as Earth’s GL, and became quite involved in the superhero gig. Only one problem – Guy was bold, brash, stubborn, and made an all-out ass out of himself by clashing with just about every other superhero with whom he came into contact. He locked horns with Batman over control of the Justice League, and this became his modus operandi for quite some time. Willing to pick a fight with just about anyone, he eventually picked a fight with Hal, who by this time had finished his recruiting mission. Forced to surrender his power ring after losing the fight with Hal, Guy retreated into the normal world as a broken man, bereft of identity and power.

If that was the end of Guy’s sad story, it might be worthy of some acclaim. However, there was apparently enough interest in the blue-blooded, redneck, white-collar-guy- turned “super” that Guy underwent several “rebirths” as writers desperately tried to find a place for Guy.

So.. What’s a tough guy without a power ring to do??? Down, but not out, he embarks on a quest of sorts to find the power ring of a recurring Green Lantern foe, Sinestro. After enlisting the help of some questionable characters, he obtains Sinestro’s ring, and returns to Earth, reborn as just Guy Gardner, (not Green Lantern). He has the power ring for a time, then it is taken from him. Sniffle… Whine… He goes on a quest (Hmmm… A theme perhaps???) and finds a chalice that transforms him into “The Warrior”. He finds out his past was a sham and that he is REALLY an alien with special powers. This becomes his primary identity for a while, until he is killed off… Boo hoo!!! But… We’re not done with Guy yet… He isn’t dead – just lost in a remote corner of the netherworld. Reborn (again), he makes cameo appearances all over the place, and is finally re-recruited into the GL corps after his DNA is re-written and he becomes human again. He currently serves as one of a new breed of GL “mentors”.

Here’s my beef with this whole scene… If you’re going to pander to your readers, (like we haven’t seen this before), by “resurrecting” a character, you MUST maintain some storyline consistency. And – if you make major plot/identity twists, at least make some attempt to reconcile the differences rather than just having him show up transformed with no explanation. Some of the crappiest story lines are the ones that later go back to reconcile history/identity consistency issues that should never have existed in the first place.

However, in spite of the problems with story line consistency issues, I can see why some readers kind of liked Guy. He’s not the normal goody-two-shoes, creedal bound, honorable sort of guy. He grew up in Baltimore, (sorry east coast fans.) He lived in the shadow of an over-achiever older brother and a father who gave him little attention. I can sympathize with this guy. He’s played second fiddle all of his life and he deserves some respect. But to continually change his personality, looks, and powers did little more than leave us wondering… Where will Guy pop up next? What will he be like? Will he stay a Green Lantern? Is he really dead? I think the most recent incarnation is probably the most likely to stick around… But I also think that this is probably the way he always should have been… A tough guy with big brother issues learning to do the responsible thing with the powers he has been given. There’s enough angst there to do character development for a LOOONNNGGG time. When you use a super hero as comic relief, it’s difficult to then place him/her back into a serious role, which is just what happened to Guy. The impression I’m left with is – how can Guy screw this up? He’s done it before. I just don’t have faith he’s done his final bit of growing up and can be considered to be a serious hero now. Time will tell…

Issue 24: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Lord Voldemort vs Verbal Kint

Name: Tom Marvolo Riddle/Lord Voldemort		Name: Verbal Kint/Keyser Soze
Occupation: Dark Wizard	vs.	Occupation: Underworld Kingpin
Origin: Harry Potter		Origin: The Usual Suspects

He who must not be named had stolen from Keyser Soze and Soze was out for revenge. Since you know who has no living family, Soze struck at his Death Eaters. Brutally raping and murdering his way through the group, everyone from Peter Pettigrew to the Lestranges and Malfoys fell victim to his wrath.

The Dark Lord had to put an end to this insolence and set out to destroy Soze. Unable to find him, he was able to capture a criminal named Verbal who knew something about him. Voldemort planned to interrogate, (and torture, if necessary), Verbal until the whereabouts of Soze could be determined. Verbal was a toady little criminal, weak and stricken with palsy. He would be no match for the persuasive powers of you know who.

“Tell me everything you know about Keyser Soze,” commanded Voldemort.

Verbal noticed the Death Eater mark on Voldemort’s arm and started into a story about how Soze got his start as a snake handler in a traveling circus in Hungary.

Glancing out the window, Verbal spotted a wishing well. This led to a tale about the summer that Soze spent as a roadie for Terence Trent D’Arby.

Verbal went on and on like this for over an hour. He finally made his way toward the door and put on his jacket. Suddenly, in a move so swift it betrayed his palsy act, Soze whipped out a gun and swung it towards Voldemort.

Voldemort, however, was ready. Being a highly accomplished legilimens, he was aware of Verbal’s lies from the beginning and only continued to let him ramble as a ploy to lower his guard. Wand raised, he cried out “crucio!” and Soze was struck by the excruciating pain of the Cruciatus Curse.

Soze’s body betrayed him as he was unable to do anything but writhe in agony. He who must not be named briefly left the room and returned with a plate of mint humbugs. He sat before Soze, carefully and deliberately eating each humbug, taunting him all the while.

Once Voldemort had finished with his snack, he released Soze from the Cruciatus curse. Soze regained his senses enough to bolt for the door. Voldemort leveled his wand at the criminal and briefly wondered about the merits of shooting the devil in the back. “Avada Kedavra!” he bellowed and a blast of green light erupted from his wand. The spell struck Soze, killing him instantly.

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Issue 24: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Spike vs Sideshow Bob

Name: William the Bloody aka Spike		Name: Robert Underdunk Terwilliger aka Sideshow Bob
Occupation: Vampire	vs.	Occupation: TV Clown Sidekick
Origin: Buffy the Vampire Slayer		Origin: The Simpsons

Sideshow Bob crept through the graveyard as he slowly made his way to the mausoleum. He had located an artifact that was essential in his latest plan to murder that wretched Bart Simpson.

Unfortunately, at that same moment, Spike was approaching the crypt in search of the very same tool of destruction. They arrived at the doorway at the same time, each one sizing up the other.

Bob spoke first. “Excuse me, sir, but I’ll only be a minute inside this tomb, after which you may partake your frivolity at your leisure. Step aside, please”

“I would,” Spike replied, “but I’m paralyzed with not caring very much about your plans. I think instead I’m going to make a right snack out of you then go about my business.”

“I renew my objection to this pointless endeavor, informally now, and by affidavit later, time permitting. Nonetheless, I can see that you are badly in need of being taught a lesson.”

Sideshow Bob continued as Spike looked at him puzzledly, “My victory promises to be a marvelous celebration of the human spirit. Your whipping will commence in…ten, nine, eight…Oh, I can’t wait!”

With that Bob knocked the wind out of Spike with his massive foot, (and yes dear readers, I am aware that as a vampire Spike does not actually have any breath to lose), and then ran several yards away to a cannon parked on the grass.

Bob lit the fuse on the cannon and jumped into the barrel. The cannon roared just as Spike was picking himself up off the grass. Sideshow Bob blasted from the cannon right into Spike and really sent him reeling.

Now Spike was really angry, his fangs shining in the moonlight. He and Bob made eye contact and charged at one another. Just as they neared one another Bob stepped on a rake left out by a careless groundskeeper and the handle sprung up and buried itself deep into Spike’s chest…just below his heart.

“Not bad…” said Spike, pulling the rake handle from his torso “…for a wanker!” In an instant Spike was upon Bob, his teeth gashing deep wounds into the soft yellow flesh of his neck. As Spike drank deep of Bob’s blood he looted his jacket and found a right nice slide whistle.

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