Issue 28:
Don't Bother Me, I'm Thinking
By
Medulla Vesuvius
American Bee: The National Spelling Bee and the Culture of Word Nerds by James Maguire (2006, Rodale) 371 pgs.
In this circumspect and intriguing book, James Maguire explores several under-exposed nooks and crannies of our verbal culture. While some might view this as a fault- a lack of focus, he certainly manages to keep things interesting by juggling several ideas.
More than just a play-by-play following the top contenders through the various rounds of the 2005 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C. and the resultant rollercoaster ride of emotions and tension and resolution, this book is simultaneously about bright kids, history, sociology, linguistics, and potential futures.
In addition to profiling five individual kids’ lives leading up to the bee and their performance in the competition Maguire also interviewed previous National winners. In the process he found one common theme-the kids with the best chance were those who studied and practiced with the intensity of athletes, making word lists the center of their lives for several years, learning formulas of word formation and Latin and Greek roots. Maguire places these fastidious kids at a higher level than those who are just gifted with a natural verbal ability; several times he identifies the rounds of the contest that weed out the non-studious.
And while the author goes to great lengths to make the contest’s play-by-play as exciting as watching a sporting event, I found the other topics to be more interesting. Take for instance his description of how these kids socialize at the National Spelling Bee, (which reminded me of my junior high experiences at summer band camp):
Back home they might be considered odd ducks, the kind of kids who- voluntarily-spend hours studying Latin roots and French consonant-vowel patterns. But here they’re all part of the same clique. They’re all word nerds, spelling geeks. There’s no one to point a finger and snicker. (Those kids are back home watching reruns.) Friendships are instantaneous in this atmosphere. […] The formation of chatty groups of two, three, four or more is like some kind of inevitable molecular process, a constant combining and recombining.
He goes on to make a good point about the variety of kids that make it to this level:
[…] this gathering is the most diverse clique any thirteen-year-old is likely to join. The only things this glorious quilt of talented kids have in common are a commitment to scholarship, parents who care, and a facility with the English language. And, of course, the raw chutzpah to confront fearsome words in front of a large audience. Easier said than done.
Similar to this point, he states that spelling bees present a level playing-field, both gender- and class- neutral, pointing out that “a word doesn’t care who you are.” (However, he does mention a complication in the 60s with the NAACP, when it was decided that on the local level, specifically in Lynchburg, VA there may have been some discriminatory practices, but never at the national level.)
Outside of detailing the phenomenon of spelling bees-their history, and the nerve-wracking loneliness of going up against words in the modern Bee, Maguire takes a detour to discuss the development of the English language and its possible future, (probably causing much consternation for his editor.)
I found this section to be the most fascinating as he traced our common language from Old English and its bastardization with French, due to the Norman invasion, through Augustinian missionaries’ zeal for incorporating academic Latin roots. Along the way printing press operators, (paid by the letter), made words longer by adding letters and finally British Imperialism of the 1800’s and the propensity for adopting words wholesale from conquered countries like India, Malaysia, and Australia had a hand in creating the seemingly nonsensical system of spelling modern English. Which is not to mention Noah Webster’s drive to create an American form of English that was separate and independent from the cruel British. Only being familiar with the end result, I never realized how many influences shaped this crazy English language.
Also, philosophically, he presents two possible futures for English, both of which would be due to the internet’s connection of people who are really worlds apart, (but not necessarily words apart.). But I won’t spoil those two possible futures. You’ll have to read the book.
And “read the book,” is something I highly recommend.
The strengths: Maguire’s ability to form the kids’ experiences in competition into compelling human dramas with lots of coverage of the actual words keeping them in it and the words sending them to the Comfort Room. His obvious favorites: “rijsttafel,” a Dutch word to describe an Indonesian meal of rice and meat and “Boeotian,” a district in central Greece.
The only potential weakness of the book is his decision to include seemingly everything remotely related to the Bee, (i.e. the sections on the development of the English language.)
However, I say it’s a potential weakness, only making for a somewhat scattershot read for those who prefer a more focused read.
Issue 28:
Life in Space
By
Mr. Atoz, The Librarian
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century is the most underappreciated of all space shows. Unfortunately, the reason why it is so underappreciated is because most people associate the show with Season One, which was basically a series of Magnum P.I. in space. That isn’t to say that Season One is not very good. It’s just that it often times fails to capture the essence of a true space show. The show also fails in Season 1 to capitalize on the strong theme of a lonely, homesick man lost in the future. Too often the show tries to be a 70’s crime show in space instead of a space show that just happened to be produced in the 70’s. This fact lends itself to a high cheese factor, to the show’s misfortune. There are exceptions, however: the science fiction in “Space Vampire” and Buck’s homesickness in “A Dream of Jennifer.” Both episodes are clearly the best of the first season.
In the second season, the show takes a much different turn. It’s assumed that the second season is weaker only because it is so different from the first season. Even the music is much different. The second season differences are a result of a writer’s strike in 1980, and actor Gil Gerard’s alleged desire for the show to have more of a focus on science fiction. The result is a better show, balanced by moments that are still utter cheese. The sets are still bad, and the music is hammy. But the stories are better, even if the execution is a little questionable. Wilma returns, but more so in the role of a sidekick. Also, Twiki returns, but at least for the first few episodes, Mel Blanc’s wisecracking voice is replaced by a generic, cartoonish tenor. The new character Hawk is introduced as some sort of half- human, half-bird character. Other characters are introduced, like Admiral Asimov, Dr. Goodfellow, and perhaps most importantly of all, the starship Searcher. All of these elements give the second season of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century a very Star Trek-like feel, thus making it superior to the show we saw in Season One.
There are a few episodes with scripts that would have translated nicely into Star Trek: The Original Series episodes. The first one that comes to mind is my second favorite BRin25C episode, “The Hand of Goral.” It’s obviously an homage to the TOS episode “Mirror, Mirror”, but I daresay that the story of “Hand of Goral” is superior. I’ve always been able to appreciate the subtle revelation of the alternate universe in “Hand of Goral” over the explicitness of “Mirror, Mirror.” We don’t get any sidekicks with beards, different uniforms, or helmsmen with scars. Instead, we get small, subtle differences in the temperaments of the characters. We get paranoia, fear, and underhandedness. The explanation is a bit cloudy and confusing, but the ride is enjoyable.
My favorite episode is another second season installment called “The Guardians”, which also would have translated beautifully as a TOS episode. In it, Buck and Hawk are given a green box that makes the crew see visions, sometimes terrifying. The alternate reality theme is present in this episode as well. The explanation is that the box in some way is a balance for time and space, and if it is not in the hands of the property “guardian,” time and space are hurled into chaos. The story seems closer to a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode than a TOS episode, but would still work very well. “The Mark of the Saurian” is about how an enemy alien race called the Saurians are somehow able to make themselves look like members of the Earth Defense Directorate, and come aboard the Searcher. Buck is very ill, and somehow because of his illness he is the only one that can see that the Directorate members are Saurians.
Season 2 has more than its fair share of stupidity: “The Golden Man” and “The Crystals” are absolutely horrible. You might have to be in the right mood for “Time of the Hawk” and “Testimony of a Traitor.” At some point, I may give full reviews of these episodes.
Issue 28:
Sydney Brown's Sixty Seconds
By
Sydney Brown
A bit of a departure this go-around…..
In honor of Martin Scorsese FINALLY winning Best Director, and for the Academy voters FINALLY picking a Best Picture that really WAS the Best Picture, here are five other must-see Scorsese films, a few of which I know you’ve seen, and a few others well-worth seeking out.
Taxi Driver (1976) Robert DeNiro, Cybil Shepard ****
My all-time favorite film and required viewing by every person who dares call themselves a fan of the cinema. Robert DeNiro is Travis Bickle, a Vietnam Vet who becomes a taxi driver in what is essentially his attempt to reach out to humanity. Bickle is a loner, has no friends, doesn’t know how to make friends, and ends up scaring people because of it. The ultimate character study as Bickle descends further and further into madness epitomized by an assassination scene so beautifully done, it was recreated for real by a similar nut in 1981 on Reagan. If you’ve ever felt lonely, ever felt that you didn’t belong, this film will bring a whole new perspective on it. The climax is a tad flawed, and the ending has the dreaded “what is real and what isn’t” vibe, but it’s a film you’ll never forget.
The King of Comedy (1983) Robert DeNiro, Jerry Lewis ****
A film decades ahead of its time as DeNiro plays Rupert Pupkin, a no-talent loser whose only ambition is to appear on Jerry Langford’s, (Lewis), late night program. When all fails, he kidnaps him. An incredibly painful film to watch, there’s nothing worse than seeing a man get humiliated and not have the brains to even realize it, but DeNiro nails this role perfectly. This film foresaw the world of VH-1 and E! by decades in its portrayal of a nobody becoming somebody by accident. Sandra Bernhardt has an equally memorable turn, and Jerry Lewis gives the performance of his life. The two scenes Lewis and DeNiro have together rank as some of the best acting I’ve ever seen. The film was written for Johnny Carson, who passed on it.
After Hours (1985) Griffin Dunne, Rosanna Arquette ****
A man tries to get laid. And he pays the price. In a nutshell, that’s what this film is about as Dunne plays a bored computer programmer who wanders into the lives of many females on one crazy night only to find they are all equally insane. One of the darkest comedies you’ll ever see as things go from bad to worse to oh-my-god-bad. Rent the DVD if possible as the deleted scene in the bartender’s apartment completely deserved to be in the final cut, not to mention you’ll learn about the absolutely insane alternate ending. Every girl in this film represents a woman in my life. It means nothing to you, it means a lot to me. Watch for Scorsese in the mohawk scene.
Raging Bull (1980) Robert DeNiro, Cathy Moriarty ****
Incredible character study of boxer Jake LaMotta, a killer in the ring, and an insensitive loser outside. Features some of the ballsiest boxing shots you’ll ever see as well as some of the saddest displays of “machismo.” DeNiro famously gained, (and then dropped), 40 lbs for this role, which basically means you all have no excuse. You walk into this film thinking it’s about boxing, and then you realize it’s about the sensitivity of man. Now THAT is genius. On first viewing, I didn’t get it, and you may not either, but it’s an incredible story of how pride kills, and how one can lose everything standing on their principles. I won’t say which ones, but two of the sequences rank among the greatest in film history. And most films can’t even pull one off. Major screen debut of Joe Pesci.
Goodfellas (1990) Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci ****
Arguably one of the greatest films of the 90s, easily one of the best films to be robbed at the Oscars, the docudrama of mobster Henry Hill gets better with age. The story of gangster life ranks with The Godfather in this telling of criminal behavior in the 50s and 60s. Joe Pesci gives the performance of a lifetime in a manner that is still parodied today. The film became so huge, it’s a virtual Mob 101 these days. But that withstanding, it’s a film that demands repeat viewings for many of the nuances that may be missed, from the no-cut club sequence to Pesci’s expression in his last shot. And despite the repetition, Pesci going from happy-to-demonic-to-happy-to-demonic in the “You think I’m funny” sequence is one of the all-time-classics. And there has been little I could say that about since.
Issue 28:
Superhero Information Initiative
By
The Dude
If you have not heard of, or read, Invincible, I will offer you the same advice I was given. Quit reading now. Invincible will suck you in, and consume every last dime you have. If you are stupid enough to still be reading, then let me introduce you to the next icon of the comic and movie industry, as predicted by a survey of one- me.
In the 1980’s, (by human years), a Viltrumite came to earth. He went by the name Nolan Grayson, and his real name, Nolan, would have caused entire alternate universes to quake. So imagine how a mere galaxy in ours would respond. Needless to say, but as often said, he is a living legend.
When it came time for Nolan to pick a superhero name he originally picked Supra-Man. Since his superhero costume includes a blue shirt, red cap, and a big chest symbol, someone somewhere thought Omni-man might keep him from being sued. Since his powers include extreme viltrumite strength, (think “superhuman” and then multiply it by all the consonants in this article), speed, endurance, invulnerability and flight, someone somewhere, (me), thinks someone somewhere else made a wise choice.
Not long after establishing residence on earth Nolan saved a young lady named Debbie. She was good-looking, twenty-something, and he looked a ruggedly handsome forty-something. Let me break in here while all the romantic crap happens, and explain that Nolan is a few thousand earth years old. Where were we? Oh yes, they got married.
Why don’t they call the comic book Omni-man? Well, it came to pass that Nolan and Debbie had a son, and they named him Mark. At age seven Mark’s father sat him down and explained Mark’s heritage to him. Mark now knows his father is the greatest superhero ever. He now knows Omni-Man is Guardian of Earth against a vast multi-verse of evil bad superthings. At age seven Mark Grayson now knows he might one day be Omni-Boy.
Ten years later at his burger flipping job Mark was throwing the trash out, and four or five comic book issues later we see it land somewhere in China. If you had just gained super strength, flight, etc., what would you do? Quit your burger flipping job, and save the world.
Mark excelled at superherodom. He was putting the smack down on bad guys like Michael Jordan competing against preschoolers. The stage was set for the greatest father- son superhero duo ever. So Nolan decided his son needed a costume and a catchy name, and encouraged him to make both iconic. Invincible was born
Invincible started to run part-time with Teen Team. Omni-Man continued to let Guardians of the Globe be his sidekick. (He was not willing to be tied down to membership commitments, or maybe he was too cheap to pay dues.) All was going well, and Invincible’s powers were increasing much more rapidly than Omni-Man expected. Nolan told Mark as much while they floated two miles above the earth playing catch back to back. (I would like it if someone could do the math…around the earth at two miles up, on how far that ball traveled.)
Then someone killed the Guardians of the Globe.
Upon the swift and brutal death of all the members of the greatest superhero team ever assembled, confusion, shock, paranoia, and lots of questions filled the void. I will skip all the page fillers, and say with a name like The Immortal you don’t stay dead. When you wake up from the dead and someone killed all your teammates you go looking for answers. When Invincible has grown up seeing you like an uncle, you’re supposed to be dead, and he sees you flying around on the news, he goes looking for you. So you might say Invincible was in a little shock when he came upon his father sticking his fist through The Immortal’s chest.
At age seventeen Mark’s father sat him down atop a snow-capped mountain and explained his Viltrumite heritage to him again. Mark learns his father is the conquering force sent to take over and rule earth. Mark learns his father has been given a hundred years to accomplish victory, and felt two things were pushing him to act. First, he would have an extremely powerful ally in his son. Second, the only real threat was the Guardians of the Globe. Mark learns his father has no true attachment to Earth or Debbie, (wife/mom), but only the Viltrumite Empire. To sum up what Mark learns about Viltrumite ways, if you kill another Viltrumite you get a medal for cleansing the blood line of weakness. At age seventeen Mark Grayson learns he has a half-Viltrumite, half-praying mantis brother, but that is another story.
Nolan asks Mark to join him. Mark sides with earth, and a bloody apocalyptic battle ensues. (I am not sure if that paints a good picture of cities and mountain ranges being razed to their foundations?) At the end our hero stands invincible. If you just smiled, or got warm fuzzes, you were probably a pansy boy that played with My Little Ponies. For the rest of you, that is not what really went down. Invincible is what really went down, and in a bloody-baseball-bat-to-a-watermelon way.
If you didn’t quit reading and you want to know what happens next, spend your own money, sucker. The Dude would like to thank Sly’s Alter Ego frontman Kyle Simmons for letting The Dude borrow his Invincible graphic novels.
Issue 28:
Tournament of Villainy
By
Rascal Stallion
| Name: Darth Vader |
|
Name: John Doe |
| Occupation: Dark Lord of the Sith |
vs. |
Occupation: Serial Killer |
| Origin: Star Wars |
|
Origin: Se7en |
John Doe had been cruising the Wal-Mart parking lot for the better part of a half hour. Sure it was the day before Christmas Eve and crowds were to be expected, but if he was going to murder his latest target in the method he had planned he desperately needed two gallons of paint thinner, a pogo stick and a bag of Cheetos puffs. Truth be told, the Cheetos weren’t a part of the plan but he had a coupon for them and they sounded really good.
Finally, John spotted a space and eureka! it was a great spot, right near the door. He angled his ‘86 Civic hatchback towards the spot but was cut off at the last moment as a blur whished past him into the space!
Darth Vader stopped his speeder bike as he marveled at his luck. Who could have guessed he could get such a great parking spot on such a busy day? The force was clearly with him. His head was in the clouds as he went over all the gifts he needed to buy and Darth paid no mind to the indignant man in the car a few feet away from him.
John Doe abruptly brought his Civic to a halt and glared at the jerk who stole his spot. Sure he was a big looking dude, but he had no idea who he had just messed with. John yelled out the window “Hey! You better move that hunk of junk or you’re going to regret it!”
Vader ignored John which was the final straw. “Oh, you didn’t hear me?” John revved his engine and blasted his car right into the speeder-bike. “Maybe you hear me now.” The car’s fender was dented in but the speeder-bike was demolished.
With that, Vader turned. “Don’t be too proud of your Honda Civic. The ability to destroy a speeder-bike is insignificant to the power of the force.”
Vader began using the force to crush the small car. John barely dove to safety before it was crumpled into a large metal ball.
John Doe used surprising quickness to pull a handgun from his jacket and emptied the clip at Vader, who deflected the bullets with a wave of his hand. The bullets peppered an unsuspecting cart boy who was making his way out to the lot.
At this, John began to realize he had perhaps underestimated his adversary. He began backing away while apologizing to Lord Vader.
Vader was no longer amused and was anxious to get to his shopping. He unsheathed his lightsaber and flung it towards Doe, using the force to guide it cleanly through his body.
Apology accepted, jackass.
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