My friends, there are a multitude of things in this great wide world that I don’t know. To use Donald Rumsfeld’s famous categories of “knowns” and “unknowns,” today I want to tell you about a personal known unknown- namely: what the hell the fascination is with Nirvana.

I recently got a hold of the Rolling Stone List of 100 Greatest Albums and I have endeavored, over the next several months to utilize my local library and give a listen to the 75% of the listed albums I don’t own and have never heard as a unified musical work.

I’ve just gotten started. Joni Mitchell’s Blue was the first and most recent one before this weeks’ discovery: Nirvana’s Nevermind and Unplugged.

The Office opened my eyes in recent episodes. When co-workers began to scheme for who might obtain Michael Scott’s job if he went to Corporate, the strengths of Dunder-Mifflin long-timer Dwight Schrute became more evident, and I realized how much more qualified this fictional character was to be President than the actual President. Who doesn’t want to see the Oval Office painted black to show dominance?

Really. I mean, the wood paneling and Eagles are so outdated, and I think it betrays a certain submissiveness to not just take over and decorate it your own way. Clearly by not giving the office his personal touch, Dub-ya has shown he is not confident in his longevity or his place within the White House walls. Black is always the new black.

I imagine if you are reading this, at some point in your childhood you dressed up in a red cape, or blow-up green muscles. You probably climbed on your roof in red sweats, or patrolled your neighborhood on the Batbike. Also you must identify in some way with the word “nerd.” So let me ask you, what did you do in the seventh or eighth grade when some Neanderthal freak started shoving you around? I bet your fist slowly curled up, and you had a very lucid daydream: Were three Adamantium-coated claws slowly sliding forth from your forearm? Why didn’t you dream about freezing him, running away really fast, or tying him up with the lasso of truth? Because, deep down you want to just go berserker. You want to be at the giving end of a Fastball Special. You want to be Wolverine.

This article was going to be about my favorite technological doodads and the way that they have changed my life. This list would have included things like my iPod, DVR, Mac Mini, cell phone and Pikepass. I sat down to write it and pretty much immediately realized that, because of something I’d read recently, I honestly couldn’t say that I liked the way that I’ve let certain pieces of technology change my life.

Alien made his way through the flea market, a grim expression of frustration covering his face. He had been here for almost an hour and still hadn’t found a suitable birthday gift for the party he was attending later that evening. Sure, the churro he ate was delicious and the fortune Madame Mona gave him was positive but time was not on his side. The market would be closing soon and showing up at the party empty-handed was not an option he was willing to accept.

As Alien turned the corner onto the last aisle his eyes were drawn to an exceptionally colorfully decorated booth full of vivid trinkets and toys. The sign read “Joker’s Emporium,” and there were rows of glass vials full of liquids of various hues and a plethora of toys made of plush, plastic and rubber. The patron of the booth added to the charm; he was dressed as a clown and seemed particularly proud of his wares.