The Tale of a Film Called Southland Tales

Seven years ago, a man named Richard Kelly wrote and directed a film called Donnie Darko, which was released in theaters and seen by practically nobody. Six months later, the film was released to DVD and became the ultimate cult film: a film that grossed $700,000 yet has been seen by practically everybody.

With that power Kelly was given the funds to make his second film, the film that this column is about: Southland Tales.

My Top Five, NC Style

The movie High Fidelity starring John Cusack and Jack Black has been frequently playing on daytime television in the recent past. I have caught it a few times, jarring how much I love that movie back into my brain, the Top Five lists especially. Since the movie debuted, I often send out five questions to my friends on Fridays, asking various things, but I realized today I had not sent the query in a while asking their all-time Top Five: your list of celebrities. In reviewing my own choices, I realized just how incredibly nerdy my preferences are, and wondered why I can’t have the normal Matthew McConaughey-hay-hay and Brad Pitt on mine. It would be so much easier than having to answer the automatic response of “Who?” for almost all of them. Both Billy Crystal and Philip Seymour Hoffman have recently been removed from the list for “out of sight, out of mind reasons,” Billy especially. I will still have mad love for them, along with Kevin Spacey, who dwelled in the Number One spot for probably close to ten years. My current list is as follows…

Chapter 1 – The World (And the Way It Works)

There are cities that seem like they come right out of a noir film, with guys in them who seem perfectly-suited to be the schmuck detective to receive the unusual call from the damsels in distress that turn out to be a big tease into a case that could cost the poor guy his life. You know the cities, with the steam that rises out of every possible crack and crevice, the shadows that mask all of the dark goings-on. They’re the ones that are serenaded by cat screeches and saxophone songs from smoky, crowded jazz halls. The drunks stumble through the lonely streets, tripping on their own feet and falling against the door of an old Cadillac. Sure, there are streetwalkers, but most are classy, if you can say that about those that people call whores. This is my city, that place of the lonely dog barking and the back door to a restaurant slamming after the trash has been tossed in the alley. Sadly, I’m that schmuck who gets tangled in it all. I’m not waiting for the dame, I’m not waiting for the check. The money is regular in my profession, and dependable, for the most part, but hardly rewarding. I’m the schmuck who believes in something a little different than the way the world works, and that way collars me in white under black.

You guessed it; I’m a minister.

The Green Goblin vs Loki

Green Goblin was driving down the street when he spotted Loki enjoying a chicken salad sandwich and some ice tea at a trendy outdoor café. His heart leapt with joy as this was just the opportunity for revenge he’d been looking for since the fiasco at the after-party at last year’s Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Choice Awards.

Goblin felt like he had really been getting somewhere with Hayden Panettiere when Loki totally cock blocked him. The Norse god of mischief got him with the old “how’s your Chlamydia” trick and by the time he recovered Hayden was gone. Loki slipped away and Goblin vowed that day that if he ever saw him again he would make him pay.

The Green Goblin snuck into the kitchen and prepared a tasty hot fudge and anthrax sundae. Then he found the waiter and paid him $100 to deliver it under the guise of being a special treat for such a prestigious patron of the restaurant. Goblin hid behind some other diners and excitedly waited for Loki to become infected. Soon his revenge would be complete.