Issue 32: Superhero Information Initiative
By Amdnarg Toh

Bible Man

(Warning – Ranting and raving to commence below.)

Every adult survivor of a conservative religious upbringing has bemoaned the fact that they couldn’t play Dungeons and Dragons because of its satanic overtones, or that they missed out on all of the good music. (I hadn’t even HEARD of Rush until I went to college.) In fact, it could be posited that almost anything from playing cards to Smurfs were lauded as the tools of Satan. As a result of this castigation, all sorts of religious equivalent toys, music groups, and activities were introduced as safe alternatives to the Satan-inspired filth that pop culture was spewing out. I could say more, like how I miss my Beach Boys and classic rock music collection that was destroyed because somewhere I got the idea that listening to secular music was wrong and would lead me down the path to perdition, or how I went to the church sponsored prom “alternative” in lieu of my school’s prom. But this isn’t the editorial column, most esteemed readers, and you’re due some super hero related information, so I’ll let you in on a little-known character called Bibleman, and I’ll kill two birds with one stone.

Miles Peterson, a typical wealthy businessman, finds himself at an ebb in the tide of life. Depressed, he finds he has no direction, no purpose in life. After he finds a bible, via miraculous circumstances in a rainstorm, he finds that he has been transformed, and becomes Bibleman. Endowed with superhuman strength, he dons his armor, the Shoes of Peace, Waistbelt of Truth, Shield of Faith, Breastplate of Righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit, and battles the forces of evil with the Word of God. He has a sidekick named Cypher, who basically provides logistical support from the Biblecave, and several other minor support characters. We’re not given a very detailed view into his origins, or past storyline. The forces of evil are personified in the series’ villain, Luxor Spawndroth, who embodies a particular sinful trait in each episode. Bibleman, using the all powerful word of God, defeats the villain with a pithy saying, laden with cliché.

It seems that the folks churning out this stuff are probably more interested in selling merchandise than in really providing a healthy alternative to mainline superhero-dom. There are Bibleman action figures, videos, books, a Bibleman branded Bible, costumes, DVDs, and now a video game… Everything to make this guy a real-world superhero – except for a plausible story line and characters with more than one dimension. Most of the plot devices are direct rip-offs from other more popular similar characters. Cypher looks amazingly like Cyborg from the Teen Titans. Biblegirl? Come on! Amazingly enough, the most interesting character in this wacky line is Luxor Spawndroth, the series’ recurring villain. I’ll take a not-so-rare issue of Captain Carrot over any of this Bibleman crap any day of the week. At least Larry-Boy doesn’t make any pretense of being serious, and is up front about its comic use of mainline narrative devices.

So… I salute all of the closeted nerds out there who survived the wonder years by secreting away copies of Aquaman and Green Lantern comics, shrouded in the cover of Bibleman. Come into the light! Hide no more! Your day has come!