Issue 33: Superhero Information Initiative
By The Dude

SNIKT!

I imagine if you are reading this, at some point in your childhood you dressed up in a red cape, or blow-up green muscles. You probably climbed on your roof in red sweats, or patrolled your neighborhood on the Batbike. Also you must identify in some way with the word “nerd.” So let me ask you, what did you do in the seventh or eighth grade when some Neanderthal freak started shoving you around? I bet your fist slowly curled up, and you had a very lucid daydream: Were three Adamantium-coated claws slowly sliding forth from your forearm? Why didn’t you dream about freezing him, running away really fast, or tying him up with the lasso of truth? Because, deep down you want to just go berserker. You want to be at the giving end of a Fastball Special. You want to be Wolverine.

It almost feels wrong to inform you about Wolverine. A list of cold facts about names, dates, enemies, teammates, and so on, takes so much away from the mystery and allure. Maybe it just doesn’t do justice for this nerd. Yellow and blue are not only my favorite costume colors, but also my favorite team colors. I remember sitting in my friend Brian’s bedroom watching football in seventh grade. We were watching the Sooners, and at a commercial break he starts flipping to other games. I saw this team with three claw like strips on their helmets, decked out in yellow and blue uniforms, and they went by the name Wolverines. Brian flipped back to the Sooners. I went home to watch my team play.

The only issue with Wolverine, a.k.a. (here we go), Weapon X, James Howlett, Death, Agent Ten, Patch, Hand of God, Emilio Garra, Mai’Keth, Logan, and most recently Dad, is his Adamantium laced skeleton. Not because it slows down his healing factor, which I imagine is quite sufficient considering he can rejuvenate from a skeletal state. No, the issue is: how do you say “Adamantium?” It always comes out admanaman, abdomen, autobahn, or some other ridiculous phonetic cluster. Here is a phonetic spelling, which I would like to dedicate to the Fantastic Four movie, to help next time you see the perplexing word add-uh-man-tea-um. I am sure even Hilary Clinton could say that. (I know, I am a Google sellout.)

You may have noticed the word dad in the last paragraph, and thought “what?” Let me give a brief explanation: while most mutants lost their powers during the House of M series, Logan regained his memories. At about the same time Civil War takes place, Wolverine goes to the closet, puts on the ol’ yellow and brown suit, and tells the X-men “I got to do this on my own. There is going to be some killing, I don’t want you to be involved.” (Or something to that effect.) Wolverine takes off to make the world pay. Along the way he discovers someone is also hunting him, and wants to make him pay, his son Daken. Read the Wolverine Origins series if you want to catch up on this. It’s only on issue #14.

Logan’s family is headed towards population level “Superman.” You got X-23, Daken, and I am sure a brother will show up soon. Makes you wonder when we will see Grandpa Wolvie light up a cigar, and tell the grandkids about his love affair with Jean Grey.