Issue 11: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Chris Finch vs. Annie Wilkes

Name: Chris Finch		Name: Annie Wilkes
Occupation: Paper Sales Rep	vs.	Occupation: Retired Nurse
Origin: The Office (BBC)		Origin: Stephen King’s Misery

Chris Finch was on his way home from a very successful sales visit. He closed a mammoth deal to sell paper to a rural school district that would surely net him a huge bonus from Wernham-Hogg. Although he had several hours of driving on desolate, snowy road ahead of him, he was already halfway through his third pint of Lager.

His healthy buzz certainly didn’t help him navigate the icy roads. When he swerved to miss a cow lazily crossing the road, he spun out of control, his crumpled car finally coming to a rest in a muddy drainage ditch.

When Finch came to, he found himself lying in a strange bed, an unbelievable pain shooting through his mangled leg. He was nude and his clothes were neatly folded next to him on the floor. Standing over him and changing the dressing on his wound was his savior, Annie Wilkes. The nurse had pulled him from the wreckage and taken him to her house to care for him.

As Annie bent over Chris he quipped, “While you’re down there why don’t you wrap your laughing gear around my old single barrel pump action yogurt rifle?”

Annie leaped with indignation. “What did you just say to me?”

Finchy replied, “C’mon luv. How about just one up the bum, no harm done?”

Annie was now livid. “You listen here, you foul-mouthed cockadoodie! I am going to teach you some manners.” Finchy watched in horror as Annie took a sledgehammer and swung it full force at his knob.

Despite his terrible pain, Finch acted with lightening quick reflexes to save his prized possession. In one move he narrowly dodged the crippling blow and grabbed a shoe from the bedside. He cocked the shoe and yelled “Stone me! I’ll teach you, you gormless plonker.”

Finch hurled the shoe at Annie with pinpoint accuracy and tremendous velocity just as she raised the sledgehammer over her head for another blow. The shoe struck Annie squarely in the nose and caused her to drop the hammer right on her head. She died instantly, but that didn’t stop Finchy from groping her as he made his way to the phone.

View Tournament Bracket