Issue 20: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Magneto vs Newman

Name: Eric Lensherr, aka Magneto		Name: Newman
Occupation: Professional Antagonist	vs.	Occupation: United States Postal Worker
Origin: X-Men		Origin: Seinfeld

Newman carried a registered letter up the steps to Magneto’s house. He rang the bell and waited for the occupant to sign for the package. He sure wished this bozo would hurry up. This was his last delivery of the day and he was anxious to get back to his game of Risk. He salivated at the thought of conquering that weak Ukraine when he got home.

The massive oak door opened and Magneto stood before Newman, sizing up the filthy homo-sapien. “And just what can I do for you today?” Magneto asked.

“Hello, Eric,” snarled Newman. “I’ve got a letter here for you to sign for.” As he handed Magneto the letter he noticed a Keith Hernandez poster in the hallway behind him.

Newman cried out in rage “Keith Hernandez! I despise that mutant!”

Magneto growled, “And just what do you have against mutants, you roly-poly of a man?! I hope your affairs are in order because your pitiful life is about to end!”

At that moment Newman recognized the person before him as the powerful evil mutant, Magneto. His mind raced as he weighed the options of fighting or fleeing. Quickly concluding that his only chance to defeat the mutant would be to meticulously plan an attack, he decided to flee.

Newman raced away from the door. He spied a large tree in the front yard and contemplated scaling it. His expert tree climbing skills would make quick work of the mighty birch. But no, he would be trapped. He abruptly altered course and headed for his mail jeep.

“Are you a God-fearing man? That is such a strange phrase. I’ve always thought of God as a teacher; a bringer of light, wisdom, and understanding. You see, I think what you really fear is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants. Oh, it’s not so surprising really. Mankind has always feared what it doesn’t understand. Well, don’t fear God, Mr. Mail Man, and certainly don’t fear me. Not any more.”

Magneto’s monologue concluded just as Newman reached the Jeep and started the engine. Just as he was about to speed away and plan his attack, Magneto lifted the jeep high in the air. He held it there for several seconds, admiring his own superiority.

As the car hung in the air Magneto began to rearrange the metal, folding here, twisting there until finally the car resembled those cages the guys on Shark Week get in. When the cage was complete, Magneto flung Newman several miles away, right into the filtering tank at the city water treatment facility.

Newman, still stuck in the cage, was powerless to do anything other than sink to the bottom of the filthy sewage. He fumed as he slowly drowned amongst the condom, tampon and feces-laden water.

Magneto smiled to himself as he turned to go back in his house. His smile faded as he realized his home was now infested with fleas.

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