Issue 19: Tournament of Villainy
By Rascal Stallion

Wes Mantooth vs Goliath

Name: Goliath		Name: Wes Mantooth
Occupation: Philistine Warrior	vs.	Occupation: Lead Anchor for KQHS Channel Nine Evening News Team
Origin: The Bible: The Book of Samuel		Origin: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

The air was a bit cool for May, but it was still a beautiful day. Ten minutes ago, Wes Mantooth didn’t have a care in the world. Ten minutes ago he couldn’t imagine anything wrecking a day this perfect. Ten minutes ago he was on cloud nine and was just making a quick stop at his mother’s house before heading to the beach.

Now? Everything was falling apart. Like I said, all that other happy crap was Ten minutes ago. In an instant Wes’ perfect day had disappeared like a moth in an inferno.

Wes heard a strange voice as he opened the door to his mother’s house. As he stepped in he was horrified to find his mother and Goliath awkwardly trying to fit on the couch together. Goliath was well on his way to 3rd base and the whole room reeked of sex and candy.

“Whaaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!” cried Wes Mantoooth. “What are you doing to my mother?!?”

Goliath lumbered up to a standing position, his 9’6’’ inch frame only able to fit upright thanks to the lovely vaulted ceiling of Dorothy Mantooth’s tastefully decorated living room. “I took Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and then we ended up here. We recently finished a marathon 14-hour love-making session.” Goliath explained. [Translated from Hebrew.]

Wes emitted an unintelligible sound of anguish and fury. “How dare you!” he cried. “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”

“Well, I’m inclined to agree with that. She certainly spent quite a bit of time on her knees last night” reasoned Goliath.

Wes could contain his rage no longer. He reached into the pocket of his stylish gold blazer and produced a switchblade. “You want to dance? I want to polka!”

Wes lunged for Goliath and, despite aiming for such a massive target, his blade scarcely found any flesh in which to rest.

Goliath was now scratched…and angry. He withdrew his massive sword from it’s sheath and proceeded to bisect Mantooth in a single swipe.

Dorothy Mantooth would once again find herself on her knees; this time to scrape chunks of her son’s guts from her antique rug as she sobbed.

View Tournament Bracket