Issue 41: Various and Sundry
By Statica

1969¢

If the circus is “The Greatest Show on Earth,” then my name is JC Penney.

I recently found myself on the outside of the center ring at a county circus. It was completely by accident. You see, I was traversing the countryside by a buggy powered by two actual horses from Dublin to London…Arkansas. The trip was going as planned. The atmosphere was placid and the air was pure and extremely oxygenated by the not-so-existent Arkansas rainforest. The air was actually polluted by gaseous fowl hovering no more than fourteen meters above my travel capsule…a capsule that used to be black but is now completely white. I would not call it an off-white…more of a poop white.

Now then, where was I?

Oh yes, after he stabbed me I found myself lying alone in a ditch filled with Ozarka spring water. I had been robbed of all my possessions: my wallet, Dr. Martin dress boots, even my magical monocle. This monocle allowed me to see into the future…of rock ‘n’ roll.

It was an incredible experience. I had only looked into it once for fear that it would steal my soul and bring judgment onto my people.

But the one time I looked into the mysterious lens, I was taken to a great field once used for raising pet corn. On this day, however, it had been conquered by a great people from a place called Hip. Upon a gargantuan platform stood a man…a very dark-skinned man. (Before this I had only heard there were such a charred people.) He was strapped into a medium-sized electronic device which seemed to have taken over his body and was using him as a medium through which to speak. His voice was deep with a regal growl as if he was proclaiming his majesty and well-being.

Then, without any warning at all, he let out something that, upon deep reflection, I determined to be a battle cry.

At this point everyone lying in the field stood at attention and obeyed every command that came forth from this dark god’s fiery, electric voice. Then a giant fireball came out of the sky and consumed everything and everyone in sight. Upon further inspection I found a deep hole and in this hole was some sort of container that contained, ironically, a baby.

This is my account of how I believe the world will come to an end 32 years from now in the year of our Lord 1969.