Issue 33: Various and Sundry
By Clancy Lass

On The Off Beet

The Office opened my eyes in recent episodes. When co-workers began to scheme for who might obtain Michael Scott’s job if he went to Corporate, the strengths of Dunder-Mifflin long-timer Dwight Schrute became more evident, and I realized how much more qualified this fictional character was to be President than the actual President. Who doesn’t want to see the Oval Office painted black to show dominance?

Really. I mean, the wood paneling and Eagles are so outdated, and I think it betrays a certain submissiveness to not just take over and decorate it your own way. Clearly by not giving the office his personal touch, Dub-ya has shown he is not confident in his longevity or his place within the White House walls. Black is always the new black.

National security has been a major issue in the years since the War on Terror, and it seems information is often leaked. Dwight Schrute wouldn’t have this problem on his watch. Each security code would be password protected by a mythical creature. Think of how slim a population, (especially those who are potential terrorists and on a time budget), would be able to figure the passwords out, decode the meaning behind why a specific creature was chosen for what specific guardian duty, and how to spell them correctly.

Laura Bush is lovely, I’m sure. But she’s a candy-ass, and I don’t like that. You might say the alternative is Hillary Clinton, but even then, she was okay, just a little too obvious with her own political aspirations.

Now Angela, Dwight’s air-tight mistress, would be an amazing First Lady. She’s a bitch. Who doesn’t want to see that? Pursed lips and lacy collars would be a very poignant addition. That kind of opinionated, non-PC gumption is just what the image of the First Lady needs. We’ve had far too many years of plastic liars and a breath of fresh, brutal reality could be nice for a change. I would be far more interested in hopping on Angela’s platform of ridding college campuses of dorm sluts than giving a crap about such things as Education and trees. Come on, people!

Dwight’s first order of business would most likely be a good house-cleaning session. You can already hear the query to his advisors. “Question: Who can I fire?” His additions would be interesting. I would imagine among many a sensei and bear tracker, there might also be a few castaways from Lost he would spend an obscene amount of taxpayers’ money to rescue from Freaky-Deaky Island in order to comprise his National Security staff. Namely Sayid Jarrah and Ben Linus. Sayid is a self-proclaimed torturer and Ben is handy with mind games, very similar to Dwight. And if you read his web log, (he does not like the term “blog”), Schrute-Space, (which I do), you would know just how important Lost really is in the world of Dwight K. Schrute.

Campaign trail theme songs and slogans have gotten a little dull in the past few years, but I imagine Dwight could add some verve with his choices. Back up his “BEET OFF WITH SCHRUTE” signs with a little White Zombie. Who wouldn’t vote for THAT guy!!

So…Forget Barack Obama, Dennis Kucinich and Hillary Clinton. Vote for Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, PA.